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Original poster

Mean with money?

97 replies

Festivalgirl83 · 20/02/2020 22:19

Been with BF for two years, we dont live together as both have young children so waiting a while to decide which area to live in.
We have a great relationship but every now and then I get a little niggle about how tight he is with money. We both earn about the same each month so equal in terms of earning but little things such as last week we went to the chippy he was ordering fish and chips for himself, me and a chip butty for his daughter...he parked right outside the cash point to pointedly tell me there's the cash point I'll see you in the chippy?! I mean it's a fiver so hardly breaking the bank.
Another example he took me away for my birthday weekend (I had paid for half the hotel) and he still told me what I owed him for petrol money.
In two years he has never just treated me to a meal out we always halve it (I have treated him occasionally to meals)
Is it just me or is being tight with money a turn off and unromantic?

OP posts:
Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 21/02/2020 10:01

I did get a present- he bought me a massage voucher for the spa where we were staying, some Gin and flowers.
I was spoilt at xmas too he got me a bracelet and perfume, it's just these bits in between. He does have to be relatively careful with money I guess he isnt on a massive wage.
Regarding his DD i didnt mean he shouldn't pay for her I just meant his ex earns more than him yet he pays more than he should and all the extras too so to me that is generous. Maybe my judgment is clouded though my ex pays fiddly squat for my DD and DS as he is self employed so can fiddle what it looks like he earns 😔

OP posts:
Fallsballs · 21/02/2020 10:45

I think you need to raise the bar OP. You use words like ‘spoilt me’ ‘treated me’ ‘brought me away’ all out of context. What you are having are perfectly normal gifts and sharing most of the ‘treats’.

If you don’t mind being with a tight git then crack on, but you asked for advice and the consensus is he is tight.
You will be writing in relationships in a year a two after you move in with him and he’s billing you for the milk and making you freeze as you aren’t allowed the heat on. You have been warned !

AgentJohnson · 21/02/2020 11:06

Have you ever discussed this with him. He is not wrong for behaving like he does but if you can’t accept it, it does make you incompatible and you always have the option to leave.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 21/02/2020 11:10

He's extremely generous in other ways with his money, for example he pays above and beyond what he should in maintenance to his ex even when he does overtime or extra shifts he pays her part of that and pays for all extra curricular activities for his daughter.

God the bar is low for fathers isn't it? This isn't generous it's parenting - contributing what you can comfortably afford to give your child a nice quality of life. Imagine a woman being so celebrated for doing this. Even when he earns extra money he uses some of it to support his children and not just buy shit for himself - that's basically what you're applauding him for!

I get your judgement is clouded by your ex being so irresponsible and not stepping up financially or otherwise for your kids.

But you having been with a 10/10 wanker previously doesn't mean you should accept an 8/10 wanker now!

He sounds exhaustingly right. The ballet show ticket?! Jog on mate.

Whynosnowyet · 21/02/2020 11:12

Bet the massage and flowers were included in the booking price...
Ltb op. Or you will be continuously on here....

annamie · 21/02/2020 11:43

I would walk away from this before I get further enmeshed. Ime he will get worse.

What happens if you have a child with him?

MurrayTheMonk · 21/02/2020 11:43

My DP was similarly tight when we first started going out. It did make me consider splitting up with Him (when he once spent two hours on the phone trying to claim £4.30 back on an electricity bill they had overcharged him for-making us miss what we had planned to do that day).

However I stuck with it as he is great in other ways and over the years I have cured him of it by 1) having a long discussion about how unattractive it is 2) going through our finances and pointing out to him how much expendable cash he has each month so that he can be sure he has nothing to worry about (some of it with him is grounded in growing up quite poor and even though he now earns well he can't get out of the habit of watching every penny). 3) not letting him get away with it-so if he says for example on my birthday treat weekend away 'well I paid for the hotel so you can pay for the dinner' I just say 'no-because then it's not a present for me is it?' And stick to it, even though I feel like a brat stamping her foot a bit! Thing is-on his birthday I would never even think of asking him to pay, so I bear that in mind and stand my ground.

He is far far better now and it doesn't come up very often anymore.

datasgingercatspot · 21/02/2020 11:57

Why is your bar so low? FFS, you need to stop dating until you work on your self-esteem. He's a miserable bastard. Who the fuck charges you petrol money to go on your birthday? And your language, he spoilt me and blah blah blah, over a bracelet and a bottle of perfume after two years?! My teenager's boyfriend does more than that and he works part-time at Spar on top of school. Fucking hell. She dumps tight gits at the first sign.

Good grief. I treat friends better.

How pathetic that you think this is all you are worth and are even considering moving in with this skinflint twat.

Sabee · 21/02/2020 13:06

OP

Do you think it would be worth having a conversation with him about it?

Even though you say he doesn’t always be so tight, the few times he has done it has bothered you, and I don’t think it will stop bothering you.

You can’t really know until you know his motivations really?

Was he short of money those occasions?

Making you pay for to stuff on your birthday is weird and not really on. Obsessively sharing costs of meals with a partner is also weird.

In my mind, if he has money to spare, this is the behaviour of someone who doesn’t value you enough.

Or perhaps, if he has money, maybe he wants to save.

Raise it and see what he says?

But realise that it might be he is tight and consider whether it is an issue you would be able to live with? I can’t imagine money issues getting easier if you moved in together and you have children from other partners in the mix too.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/02/2020 13:08

OP this guy is tight

restingbitchface30 · 21/02/2020 14:28

Nope, get rid

Standrewsschool · 21/02/2020 14:43

can’t believe he Expected you to contribute to the wedding gift! You went as dp’s guest, not the wedding couple.

fedup21 · 21/02/2020 14:46

think you need to raise the bar OP. You use words like ‘spoilt me’ ‘treated me’ ‘brought me away’ all out of context. What you are having are perfectly normal gifts and sharing most of the ‘treats’

Absolutely. He is tight-accept it. You need to decide if that’s how you want to live or not. Personally, that wouldn’t be for me, but it’s up to you.

Don’t moan about though if that’s what you’ve chosen to do. It won’t get any better!

beanaseireann · 21/02/2020 15:01

OP have you seen evidence of all the money he gives to his ex or dies he just tell you about it ?

Bananalanacake · 21/02/2020 17:05

Don't move in with him.

thickwoollytights · 21/02/2020 17:31

Another example he took me away for my birthday weekend (I had paid for half the hotel) and he still told me what I owed him for petrol money.

I don't need to read anything else. End it now

Whynosnowyet · 21/02/2020 17:51

He didn't take you away then did he?? Or does he think because he drove the car?
Oh my days!!

MissGuernsey · 21/02/2020 18:37

Bet the massage and flowers were included in the booking price

Somebody beat me to it.

Roussette · 21/02/2020 18:43

Why would you want to be with a tight-wad? He sounds awful despite your comments otherwise.

I could never ever be with someone who was tight. I've been with my DH for decades and he is so generous, it's lovely. It's what attracted me to him, it's not like he wants to splash the cash and show off, but he is just generous in all sorts of ways.

squaky · 21/02/2020 21:14

We had been together about 9 months and went to a wedding, it was a work colleague of his (I'd never met) and he still asked me to put half the amount of the money he was giving for the wedding gift in the card.

And you gave it to him?!

Jesus Christ my vagina has shrivelled up and died just reading about this guy. I don't know how you've lasted two years.

AngelsSins · 21/02/2020 23:31

He's extremely generous in other ways with his money, for example he pays above and beyond what he should in maintenance to his ex even when he does overtime or extra shifts he pays her part of that and pays for all extra curricular activities for his daughter

How do you know this is true?

RamblinRosie · 22/02/2020 01:36

So, essentially he’s expecting you to fund his generosity to other people?

He’s milking you!

Womenwotlunch · 22/02/2020 01:45

One of the most useful pieces of advice my mother gave me was not to marry a stingy man.
The strange thing is that wealthy men or those with well paid jobs can be the stingiest
Op, get rid of him now while you have the chance . He’s showing you who he is , take note and leave

Shoxfordian · 22/02/2020 09:44

Why would you contribute to the wedding gift and not just take it as a sign and dump him?

LadyEloise · 09/05/2020 08:41

FestivalRose83
I hope you dumped him.
I abhor mean/tight people

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