If you have remained friends with people you have dated rather than get together

[Friendsafterdating]

I dated someone for 6 weeks, at the end of which he asked if we could be friends instead. I was kind of coming to the same conclusion, but it still hurts and feels like a rejection, even though I know there are lots of reasons for his asking that, and I do know what some of them are and also understand them.

We agreed that we would be friends, but my question is how that would happen? If I message him now (not even a week later) it would seem like a continuation of our previous messages and like I hadn’t got the message. Do people wait a few months and then get in touch?

I thought we got on well, and we spent quite a lot of time together, and now I miss him . We never got physical with each other, so in that sense it was kind of a friendship all along in any case.

Yes, so those of you who have become friends with people you have dated, how did that friendship actually take place or happen? Do you wait for a period of time after the dating stops to get in touch?

It seems so sad that you could talk so much to one person, understand so much about them and them about you, to have it all come to nothing.

I am kind of grieving now .

He seems happy with it and I'm going at a pace that I think is good for both of us. Also helps that I don't want to live with someone again so it really is just enjoying it as long as it lasts and if something develops then great. But I've spent my whole life in serious relationships and in hindsight, some of them shouldn't have become serious relationships. Also, my last relationship I was kind of love bombed and pushed into something that I felt was too fast but I went with it. I'm not doing that again. Enjoying having fun with the person I'm dating and that's it. If I feel I'm getting too invested and it isnt reciprocated then I'll stop. Or if I feel he feels more than I feel towards him then I'll feel it back. If it develops then great too. But I'm not making it into anything more than it is in my mind, like I've done before.

Thanks @Musti for taking the time to explain - it’s helpful, and also your position is the one I would ideally like to be in emotionally - able to not be too attached and to cope with whatever happens. I just need to get a little stronger.

@Friendsafterdating sounds like you are looking for guarantees about relationships and there are none. You are prolonging your pain with this man . Move on . He has made it clear he doesn't want involved with you .At some point you have to have the guts to have faith in someone but that doesn't happen as early as 6 weeks. When the time is right you will know.

OP you sound just like me! I get attached easily and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I over invest and imagine a future, and I know it's premature but I can't help it. I agree online dating is intense, and Im the sort who likes to put a label on things, I hate the uncertainty of it all. Good advice from a poster above about not changing our plans or life around the men, I've been guilty of that, even swopping shifts to fit his day off

This is a brilliant thread and some really good points made.

As to the original question - can you be friends - I think as with life there is no black and white answer - it just depends! I'm similar to you @Friendsafterdating, just recently starting OLD after long marriage breakdown. Like you I'm finding I over invest too soon. One guy I dated just twice - he ended things with the "lets be friends" line and I didn't expect to hear from him ever again - about 5 weeks later he randomly messaged me asking to get together for no strings sex - I politely declined and haven't heard from him since. Then a bit later dated a guy for 8 weeks, we were very physical very early on and (I thought) got on like a house on fire - he was sooo lovely! Needless to say I was falling heavily! He ended things extremely kindly and said lets be friends. He messaged several times over the next week or so just checking I was OK - we became friends on social media. For the first month or so it was pretty tough I have to be honest - seeing his happy posts and gorgeous face!! However we've both been out dating since and we don't really message directly - just "like" or comment on our SM posts. How things will go form here I really dont know - I still think about him - but I know there's no going back to him romantically. I'm hopeful though that we will stay in touch as friends or acquaintances at least as I know he will be a good support to have. Only time will tell.

This is a brilliant thread and some really good points made. thanks that makes me really happy that I started it and people can share experiences / thoughts. The beauty of Mumsnet really .

Wishing you all the best @iamthrough and @Mermaidwaves. Yes and I guess there are no black and white answers.

The thing about wearing your heart on your sleeve is that at some point people are going to find out what you are like anyway so maybe better sooner?

I dunno, I will be giving online dating a miss as it seems too much of a minefield really.

I've found the same as the poster above that guys I've briefly dated and have ended it with me seem to pop up on the scene after a few weeks to ask for no strings sex. I can't imagine this was ok back in previous years but online dating seems to have encouraged this massively. Of course there are folks who are happy with that, but most of the ladies I know including myself want more than that.

@Friendsafterdating you really will get through this.

Warning: I agreed to meet my would-be friend after dating. We ended up doing decidedly non-friend things. And now I have no bloody idea where I stand.

Practical tip from me, give your problematic bloke (!) his own unique message and ring tone. Stops you getting your hopes up over dominos... bitter experience

I’m friendly with most of my exes but not with people I’ve dated for 6 weeks and felt rejected by.

I think it would be hard to repurpose this relationship unless you work in the same industry or share a friendship group and bump into one another fairly regularly.