If you have remained friends with people you have dated rather than get together

[Friendsafterdating]

I dated someone for 6 weeks, at the end of which he asked if we could be friends instead. I was kind of coming to the same conclusion, but it still hurts and feels like a rejection, even though I know there are lots of reasons for his asking that, and I do know what some of them are and also understand them.

We agreed that we would be friends, but my question is how that would happen? If I message him now (not even a week later) it would seem like a continuation of our previous messages and like I hadn’t got the message. Do people wait a few months and then get in touch?

I thought we got on well, and we spent quite a lot of time together, and now I miss him . We never got physical with each other, so in that sense it was kind of a friendship all along in any case.

Yes, so those of you who have become friends with people you have dated, how did that friendship actually take place or happen? Do you wait for a period of time after the dating stops to get in touch?

It seems so sad that you could talk so much to one person, understand so much about them and them about you, to have it all come to nothing.

I am kind of grieving now .

I meant I can’t stop kicking myself for having said this or that or something else, but I know for a fact that my date felt the same thing (he told me - regarding things he had said which he wished he hadn’t), so maybe it’s common to feel this way?

It wont be anything you said. Really, honestly.

And to your main q, I dont know. Same position right now. It's horrible.

Ah yes I have been there. I was with someone for about 3 months following my marriage.
It was too soon for me but got caught up in the attention and we have a very passionate situationship which involved travelling / living in Asia together.
3 months in and he totally friendzoned me.
It really really hurt so I left him out there and came home. Deleted him etc and moved on. But it was very painful as I thought we were on the same page.
Fast fwd 18mnths and he got back in contact as a friend.
He even came to my wedding and now we are all good friends. I realised that he was right we are better as friends and I am much more compatible with my now DH so he really did do ne a favour.
He has been more loyal and a good friend than many female friendships I have experienced tbh.
But it did have to have that time apart to heal from the rejection etc and I had to get to a place where I was not hoping he would see me as something more?
He has partners and although he has not found a permanent partner I really hope he finds that and would not wish it was me?
To be honest if he had never reached out to me for friendship I would never have contacted him.
When I asked him why did he contact me after so much time he said we had been through a lot together, I got him we are compatible in so many ways but there was something missing.
I have to agree but I do care for him and my life is better with him in it.

@Whathewhatnow I am sorry you are going through the same , and yes it is horrible!

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus thanks for your message also, and I think you are right, the friendship thing kind of depends on how much you have moved on from wanting something (or thinking you want) something else, and also how much both people are invested in / open to the idea. I guess how much even those dates / short relationship, whatever it was, meant to each person?

Oops bracket in wrong place.

Sometimes the shortest connections can be really intense. Also because we are swept up in the moment, wanting that other person to feel the same it blindsides us when they friendzone.
I often think with my ex/ friend that the timing was wrong. He was my rebound that I desperately needed, but had I been truly ready it may have had a different outcome, but my own erratic behaviour scared him and he was afraid of getting hurt.
So I guess being friends now we keep the connection but it simpler, no complications just love in the platonic sense?
I think maybe consider going no contact. One it will help you heal from rejection ( which is so painful, as in why me??) But also time will tell if he can work out as a friend.
The only weird thing now is that I have to have strong boundaries as friends that I do not encourage any banter that may be construed as flirty etc as it is not what I want or need from him same from both sides.
We have an understanding and although we reminisce on our times in Asia we dont long for it now if that makes sense? Just look back on happy times which is part of our brief shared history.
I am lucky that I have an understanding DH but he too has ex/friends that he cares for too.
I feel your pain though at the time I was devasted, more so than when my awful abusive marriage ended. I think because I felt it had potential and never really got going?
In a long relationship you find out all the stuff that annoys you/ you tolerate, but with him it wasnt long enough to see all that so I think I was a bit infatuated.
You will be good! Next time try not to get over invested too soon 💐

From my experience it is better to amicably burn bridges, for everyone's sake. it's very tempting to remain friends but it will not end well. If you are bound to meet again with the other person (because of mutual friends or business), the bet you can do is to put time and distance between both of you. This way, when you meet again, you will already be used and settled to this new phase of your life. Take whatever good came out of your relationship and move on.

You will be good! Next time try not to get over invested too soon thank you. Yes it was probably a mistake to try online dating and I guess at some point it will feel like a dream - the hope and excitement (though it also made me very anxious).

I don’t want to overstate what it was - it was a series of dates, not a relationship, but I really enjoyed them and also liked him. I wasn’t sure where it would or should go, but I would have given it longer.

From my experience it is better to amicably burn bridges there aren’t really any bridges as our lives have no crossover at all. I take your point, but in a sense, since we didn’t get it together in a relationship sense, we might at some point be able to be friends? Not now though I know. And maybe at some point it no longer matters. And not everyone wants/needs more friends I know. Or maybe I am just bargaining with some kind of grief.

At the moment it’s a dull/horrible ache I am afraid, but this is also due to what it meant to me in terms of how unusual it was, so my head was whirring with that as well. It won’t have been the same for him. And of course people are different and form attachments differently. My relative lack of experience (despite very long relationship) meant that the whole experience meant a lot to me, and I was unable to remain detached from it. I don’t think this was the same for him at all. Still, we got on and it’s sad. My head can’t wrap itself round the fact that we essentially became friends, and are now supposed to just not do anything.

I have a male friend who I met on a dating app nearly 7 years ago.

I found him hilarious but I didn't fancy him. I was (brutally) honest with him and we remained in contact. We would both share our dating diesters and give each other advice.

Now I'm getting married next week and he's engaged with two DS.

It totally worked for us as we were completely honest with expectations. He would often make sexual advances to me and I'd tell him to bugger off. But that was all based on our jokey friendship.

We kissed a couple of times in the early days but nothing more. I'm not sure I could be friends if things had gone further though.

Yeah things didn’t go anywhere with us either so maybe that bodes well friendship wise . Or maybe I am kidding myself because it’s painful and I feel bloody bereft!! Would have been much better off not joining that app to be viewed as a possibility by someone and then, just not .

The worst thing at the moment is when a message goes ping on my phone and the magical thinking part of my brain thinks it might be him. I look and it’s the bloody bank telling me I am close to using my overdraft, or Domino’s telling me about a pizza offer, or bloody ASDA telling me what time their driver will turn up. FFS.

I’m friends with someone I went on a date with. It was only one date though and I think we didn’t speak for a good year afterwards. He wanted to see me again but it was a hard no from me.

Didn’t work out as I hadn’t faced the fact that I am infact gay which probably softened the blow for him! He’s a lovely person, he just entirely reminded me of my dad! He’s now married, he’s been very supportive through a couple of turbulent relationships. So it can work out but realise this is a slightly different situation.
When I’ve said the friends line before, I’ve meant it but when people try and talk straight after (within a couple of weeks) it makes me feel claustrophobic like they didn’t get the message. There needs to be a break imo.

For me personally, I think it depends on the sort of relationship you have,

I am still good friends with one of my ex's but the friendship took a battering in the early days, he broke up with me, did the whole but we can still be friends stuff, so I left the ball in his court and didn't contact him, he contacted me and I would say after a year or so, we were really great friends, life has gotten in the way and we are not so close, but still there for each other.

My ex husband on the other hand, I didn't even want to try and be friends with. Nor he with me, we both said we would keep in touch through gritted teeth, but its been nearly 20 years and neither of us have bothered, so for me leave it in his court if he wants to talk to you, he knows where you are and then you will be able to make the decision of messaging back

Even if you didn't get it together physically then there is a friendship. A friendship only.
If you can't deal with that cut him out. Don't break your heart over unrecinded love.

Thanks for the messages.

When I’ve said the friends line before, I’ve meant it but when people try and talk straight after (within a couple of weeks) it makes me feel claustrophobic like they didn’t get the message. There needs to be a break imo.

Yes agreed re. the break @Foreverlexicon. You run the risk that you will have forgotten all about them, but I guess it’s a win win - either there’s a friendship, or you’ve forgotten. In any case this whole episode has taught me quite a lot about myself, so it’s all good 😊.

Generally when people say ‘we should just be friends’ they don’t mean it, they just don’t want to be with you. Sorry if that’s harsh, it’s just an easier way of letting someone down but rarely ever actually means ‘let’s be friends’.

I went on a few dates a few years ago with someone who I decided I just wanted to be friends with. And I mean it, but I know he wants more so it feels cruel to be too friendly as I want him to move on. So we message and meet every now and then.

Regarding online dating. It can be very intense and force you to make decisions too quickly. Take it easy, get to know them without investing yourself unless it feels right and it is mutual.

I had a very intense relationship with someone I met online for 5 months hours talking a day etc but his words didn't match his actions. It took me nearly a year to get over him. Now I'm seeing someone but in a casual way for the moment and I've got my heart firmly protected until I see how I really feel about him and him me too (or otherwise) and just enjoying it for what it is.

I am. DS2’s godfather is an ex. When we split I was very upset and his friends decided that they would pick up my pieces (6 week relationship for context). He’s complained tongue in cheek since (20 years or so since then) that I cheerfully stole his entire friendship group. But we were at uni, all doing the same club activity, and whilst it had a few rocky moments we just got over them. I suspect it would have been completely different if we hadn’t had a large circle of mutual friends which meant we had to keep in contact at first.

Can you take it slowly as friends, just as you would with a new woman you meet or a colleague? Treat him like a dear acquaintance and not your BFF.
e.g. like some posts on FB, wish him a happy birthday, send a text if you ever find yourself in his town and want a cuppa or you're short of a person for a pub quiz? Text him when you have a question (e.g. "About to book holidays, what was that resort again you mentioned?") or something to tell (e.g. Went mountainbiking for the first time...you were right that i'd love it)
Don't expect anything in return...that's what makes someone a friend.

Regarding online dating. It can be very intense and force you to make decisions too quickly. yeah @Musti, I was surprised by this (naive!!), and IMO it does get in the way, that expectation. I don't lead the kind of life in which I can easily meet new people, but still, I might have to stick to real life as getting to know someone as a friend in the first instance would be a lot easier I think.

Now I'm seeing someone but in a casual way for the moment and I've got my heart firmly protected until I see how I really feel about him and him me too (or otherwise) and just enjoying it for what it is. I totally get this as well, and will try to do it in future. The only thing which I can't get my head round is how you are supposed to get close to someone and protect yourself at the same time? If you don't make yourself at all vulnerable, then how does the relationship progress? But yes, detachment will be the order of my day from now on !!

I am sorry about your five month relationship - that must have been hard.

Thanks also for your messages Stilllearning and Delurking.

**Now I'm seeing someone but in a casual way for the moment and I've got my heart firmly protected until I see how I really feel about him and him me too (or otherwise) and just enjoying it for what it is.I totally get this as well, and will try to do it in future. The only thing which I can't get my head round is how you are supposed to get close to someone and protect yourself at the same time? If you don't make yourself at all vulnerable, then how does the relationship progress? But yes, detachment will be the order of my day from now on!!

It is not as hard as you think. Enjoy spending time with them and getting to know them like you would anyone else. If it develops, it develops and if it doesn't it doesn't. Don't force it and always remind yourself that they are just ordinary men, no more special than you. Don't make them more than they are and neither of you have to decide quickly what it is.

Thanks @Musti. I just think I am an anxious person who takes things too seriously so probably not suited to dating at all! Definitely not online dating which kind of doesn't allow people to take things slowly, without the artificial need to define how they feel within seconds it seems. I hope things go well with your current person.

@friendsafterdating what also helps is talking to a few people at a time. It doesn't feel right or natural but it definitely helps to stop you getting over invested or worried about communication levels. Also, keep busy with your life and don't change your life to fit the guy you're dating. I have every other weekend child free but I keep going out with friends, my hobbies etc so I only see him a fraction of my free time. Again, that wasn't something I did with the guy I was seeing for 5 months - any chance I got, I would offer to see him. Now, I tell the guy I'm seeing when I'm available and it is very much on my terms. Some weeks I see him a few times a week and other times we'll go a few weeks not seeing each other because I'm busy.

I believe it's code for "I'm dumping you, but nicely". It's a nice sentiment but not realistic

I agree plus it puts you on the back burner in case he finds himself at a loose end.

@Musti - do you find yourself worrying that he might think you are not that into him, or that he’ll drift off and find someone else (not saying that’s the case at all, but I guess that’s what I would worry about)?

I guess in the end it’s about the level of contact (almost wrote conflict - Freudian slip!) which two people are happy with?

I totally get what you are saying about purposefully slowing down as it were and not putting all your eggs in one basket.