If you have remained friends with people you have dated rather than get together

[Friendsafterdating]

I dated someone for 6 weeks, at the end of which he asked if we could be friends instead. I was kind of coming to the same conclusion, but it still hurts and feels like a rejection, even though I know there are lots of reasons for his asking that, and I do know what some of them are and also understand them.

We agreed that we would be friends, but my question is how that would happen? If I message him now (not even a week later) it would seem like a continuation of our previous messages and like I hadn’t got the message. Do people wait a few months and then get in touch?

I thought we got on well, and we spent quite a lot of time together, and now I miss him . We never got physical with each other, so in that sense it was kind of a friendship all along in any case.

Yes, so those of you who have become friends with people you have dated, how did that friendship actually take place or happen? Do you wait for a period of time after the dating stops to get in touch?

It seems so sad that you could talk so much to one person, understand so much about them and them about you, to have it all come to nothing.

I am kind of grieving now .

I think what he is saying is he would like to be friends with you but not a close friend. If I said that to a guy and he kept on texting me I’d kind of think maybe he hasn’t got the message and was trying to win me round?

I’d just cut it dead and just say hi if you see him in person and leave it at that.

No, don’t agree to remain friends. As you say yourself, you wanted it to become a relationship and you’re still upset that it won’t. You don’t want to be his friend. “Staying friends” is what you do when you mutually agree it won’t work as a relationship but would like to remain in touch or after a long relationship where you have a lot of shared connections and memories worth keeping.

Just message to say you’ve been giving it some thought and are sad that the two of you won’t be dating anymore and that you think it’s for the best you just both part ways and move on.

I am definitely not going to text him now. But would it be okay to do it in two or three months? Kind of hi how are you type thing?

There is nowhere we would bump into each other so it would have to be by message.

I have read about people who have become good friends having started off dating each other...

Also it would have to be me who messaged him eventually I think as I am the “dumped” person (not really as we weren’t together but for want of a better term).

Sorry, missed your message @ComtesseDeSpair.

Not sure if I did want it to become more - I was thinking yes in one way but there were also things which made me think no, or not now. He was just lovely to talk to however.

I don’t think it’s realistic personally. It’s often suggested as a kind way out.

Yes I realise that too - it’s a kind way of saying this isn’t going to work. Why isn’t it realistic however - do you think @TreatMyself? I am interested in people’s opinions.

You have to ask yourself honestly - if you were to text him in two or three months to ask “hi, how are you”, what do you want from that? You’ve only known him six weeks, he’s barely more than a stranger, you don’t have much more in common than with the average guy on the street. Why do you so badly want to be his friend? Why not join some groups and make new friends that way if you’d like new friends?

Because I think if you’re honest with yourself you’d like him to respond that he’s been thinking and would like the two of you to date again. And you’d not feel the sort of happiness you’d usually feel for a friend if he responded “yeah, things are good, I’ve been seeing someone for a bit and she’s wonderful.”

I have been friends with two guys I dated. One I dated for about 2 months. The other, we just sort of dated but were never physical (until a few years down the road which was- not a bad or big mistake- but not a great thing). Anyway, I've remained friends with one of them for 25 years and the other (our friendship fell apart last year- he just needed more from me as a friend and I wasn't willing or able to give it) lasted 20 years. So yes, it can happen. It can be bumpy the first couple of years, but if you really like him deeply as a person and just really love being in his orbit, then you can be a friend. The truth with both of these guys I remained friends with, particularly the one of 25 years, is that I really loved them in the real sense. When you really love someone, you really wish them the deepest happiness. I had to learn to get to that place where I was genuinely happy for them to fall in love with other women and not make it about me/what I was never going to have.
My friend whom I've known for 25 years is genuinely one the loveliest people I have ever had the great fortune of meeting. I have sometimes wished we'd worked out, but we really wanted and needed different things in order to be happy. And we both got that, just not with each other. That said, his presence in my life certainly brings me so much happiness. It can happen. But you do have to throw it down and mold it into what you hope it can be, friendship-wise. It takes work to turn it into a true friendship, one with no expectation of 'maybe one day, he'll want me.' You can't go down that route. Though you never know, maybe one day he will want to be with you, but you can't base a friendship on that way of thinking. So, you sort of have to see where it takes you.
I didn't set out at all to have friendships with either of them. They just sort of happened. Though I recognised the worth in nurturing these friendships. Do you think it's worth it, OP? I guess that's the main question you need to ask yourself.

I believe it's code for "I'm dumping you, but nicely". It's a nice sentiment but not realistic.

Sorry it didn't work but put your focus elsewhere now.

You have to ask yourself honestly - if you were to text him in two or three months to ask “hi, how are you”, what do you want from that?

Yes I don’t know. I guess I would only do it if I felt I had moved on from the “romance” side of things. And if I had I might of course no longer feel the need to get in touch. But on the other hand, though we did hardly know each other it’s true, on the other hand we spent quite a lot of concentrated time together and it would be nice to think we could be friends... We definitely got on.

Basically I feel pretty shit now and if I knew I would feel this bad, I would not have tried online dating.

@TheVanguardSix thanks for your message and your interesting perspective. I guess in my case I don’t know what the context for a friendship would be. Were your two friends in your life in some capacity already?

Well if you feel pretty shit, all the more reason to not see him again.

OP im in the same boat as you, the guy I've been seeing has just finished with me. We had been dating a month and had not got physical, his choice rather than mine. He said the same and I'm confused. I'm also missing him badly today, knowing he doesn't think of me romantically. Ive always seen staying as friends as a polite way of ending things. I don't see how we can stay friends if I have romantic feelings towards him, I think it would hurt more that way.

So sorry @Mermaidwaves

Thanks OP. Online dating is hard isn't it? I'm really finding it hard to get back out there as they all seem to pull this act! Have you decided what you're going to do?

Yes, I have been friends with an ex boyfriend or two. There was a gap in time of course so that things could settle down. It's too soon IMHO to get in touch. Maybe just suggest to do something you both like, keep it cool. Meanwhile you can start dating or searching for another bf.

I know just what you mean about missing the friendship and all the effort you have put into it.

I can’t go back to online dating for now as I would just be messaging other people but thinking about “my” six week guy. I liked so much about him that anyone else would seem not good enough and not him basically . The other thing about OLD that I don’t like is the anxiety around messaging, waiting for messages, the fear of being ghosted etc...

I guess I am going to wait until I feel better and then decide. Would much rather meet someone in real life and be friends first I think, as I think OLD rushes things kind of artificially.

When you say “they all pull this act” - has this happened to you before? Why do you think so many people do it (pull the act)?

Also @Mermaidwaves, how long do you think it will take you to get over your 4 week guy and what do you do to distract yourself?

Thanks for your message @Wauden.

I know just what you mean about missing the friendship and all the effort you have put into it. - thanks.

It's too soon IMHO to get in touch. Maybe just suggest to do something you both like, keep it cool. Meanwhile you can start dating or searching for another bf. - yes I agree it is too soon, and yes re the rest of what you said.

Give yourself some time . Chances are you won’t be friends, I’m not being nasty by saying that . You will forget him OP and find someone who is more compatible .

Any tips on how to move on from this?

I was in a very long relationship which was toxic for many years and then ended badly. This was my first attempt at dating since, and I kind of knew that I wasn’t strong enough, and now here we are .

@friendsafterdating

The only tip I can give you is that time is a healer. Remind yourself you will get over it. If at all possible don’t look at social media and delete his number ?

This advice comes from someone who is struggling to forget someone I had one date with ( I had a big crush on him before ).

I am sorry you are also struggling @Justwondered12. I guess you (as in people) give of yourself emotionally and kind of get attached and then bam, door closed.

Luckily I never followed him on social media - and though I looked (he invited me to) I stopped doing that a long time ago out of self protection. Don’t want to delete his number in case I do manage to move past feeling like this (I hope so!!!) and we do actually manage to be friends you never know.

I wasn’t even sure if I could see us getting together or not (for various reasons), I just know that I really liked/like him.

OP I feel the same as you, I hate all the messaging and anxiety surrounding it and basically waiting to be ghosted. My guy was very respectful and considerate to me and I find that hard to find. I've back online tonight and feeling totally despondent about the whole thing.

I'm seeing friends tommorow and I'm trying to fill the week with plans as I'm on leave this week. I keep resisting the urge to contact him.

for you OP

asked if we could be friends

I thought this normally means "I'd rather not see or talk to you again, but I'm trying to be nice." So its probably best to just let them go. Unless they message you themselves.

Thank you @Mermaidwaves, same to you . I hope you feel better soon.

One of the worst things about this is that I am going over things I said and wondering how they might have affected his decision. I kind of know this is irrational as people can come to the decision that something wouldn’t work as a romantic partnership for all kinds of reasons, but I can’t stop kicking myself for saying this or that or something else.

The other bad thing about it is just the attachment. How do you spend that kind of one on one time without becoming attached?? Well I think my date found it a lot easier, and he had had a lot more dating experience than me which was probably part of it. But on the other hand, if something has a chance of working you have to kind if invest in it a little? But that then increases the chance of being hurt.

I dunno, it’s a risky business!!!

kind of