I have realised this about dh.

[new0rules]

Posting under a new name, but I’m a lurker and especially on this board over the past few months...

I don’t think my husband is very nice. He can’t hear a word of disagreement without having what I would say is a teenage tantrum. He will storm off, say “don’t touch me”, stonewall, say spiteful things, refuse to calm down or de escalate. Then when he comes down off his anger and realises I’m not being particularly affectionate (because I don’t feel it), he will get either super needy/clingy or start yet another row about how I punish him. I don’t have any sexual attraction to him left and he complains about that too. If he perceives me as “being quiet”, if he feels hard done by in any way, he will start something. He’s done it in restaurants, on holiday, on Xmas, on my daughters bday, on date nights. He acts like I should be grateful he ever talks about his feelings because it’s “so hard” for him. He acts like I should be able to take near constant sulks and moods and accusations and still fancy him, love him and want to plan a future with him.

It wasn’t always this bad, I sometimes think- but then I think maybe whenever he’s got really comfortable and complacent, it actually has been like that. Our wedding was a distraction and he magically gets nicer and more reasonable when there’s something fun going on (that I’ve invariably organised and done all the work for.) I don’t think he’s a very nice man. He seems to think that the rules of adult behaviour shouldn’t have to apply to him because of his “anxiety” and the fact that his mum suffered with poor mental health. His jokes are not funny and often at others expense while he has the thinnest skin ever himself. He has gained a few stone due to laziness and is 15 stone + and rages at me for not being up for sex any more. I’m too nice to ever tell him it’s because of his weight and his personality. I think he jsut feels entitled because I’m his wife.

We have to go somewhere together for the next 5 days that I cannot get out of and I just need somewhere to put all this.

I’m raging. What a waste of years and potential. I know I am going to leave when we are back.

At least I don’t even feel sad any more.

Sounds like a good plan. Wishing you well in your new life!

Yes, I second that idea! See a solicitor and start the ball rolling - why wouldn’t you?! Good luck...

When you know its over you just know, I came back after 2 weeks in mexico and just knew I didn't want to be with my E'D'H a second more, after 29yrs of him being a misery.

So start planning and leave for a better life

How long have you been together? Could it be post wedding blues if it was quite recent?

Good luck op, he sounds like a definite fun sponge and an arsehole to boot.

Use the time before you tell him to see a solicitor and get all important paperwork together.

I was sitting across from him in a candlelit pub on a child free evening out on Saturday while he cycled through one irrational tantrum after another all while I tried to soothe and talk him down and since then I’ve jsut been like: what the fuck? What am I doing with you? Sooo much wasted time and pain for me. The next day he sat and played on his computer game for 3 hours while I tidied and cleaned our home. It’s the last time I ever wanna do that. I think he is a controlling, entitled man and it feels weird that I ever really loved him. Which I did. For way too long.

@StormBaby 3.5 years we got married 6 months ago. He’s been behaving like this since about 8 months after we met. I kept going back and back and believing that if I changed myself, if I changed our home, if I was his therapist, if I helped him see an actual therapist, if he never had to do much at home, if I kept making all the plans for the 2 of us, he would become this happy fulfilled guy who could stop being nasty to me. But he can’t. He was always this guy. He was pulling these moods for these reasons 2 years ago. I shouldn’t have married him. But here we are.

You have the advantage of having made this decision and are well ahead of the curve. Dot every i and cross every t before telling him. Knowledge is power and he will escalate to an immense degree once you drop the D bomb! Stay strong and keep your eyes on the prize. A twat free life!

@new0rules

He sounds like a spoilt big baby. Did his mother spoil him as a child? I have come across these entitled men and avoid them when I can. I would leave him because it can only get worse imho

Yep, spoilt man child is right. His mother idolises him and his brother (however he hates her and blames her for all his issues.) He behaves like a teenage son. I’m SICK of teaching him how to behave like a mature adult/loving partner in a conversation.
He is in his 30s and a high earner, but has zero life skills to put with this.But he doesn’t like being reminded that he’s an adult with responsibilities. It seems like all his anger and frustration gets doled out on me. Then he’ll jsut buy me something I don’t need to try and placate me.
So sick of this life with him.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this position, but I’m pleased you’ve seen the light.

I’m impressed you’ve decided to leave and aren’t being a victim of the ‘sunken cost fallacy’

Spend as much of the next 5 days as you can with people who make you happy and when you can’t, lose yourself in mental lust writing (ducks & dots) and future planning/dreaming 🌷

Ooops lIst writing! But, you know, lust writing is no bad thing either 😊🤣

He sounds pretty awful, and you sound lovely. You shouldn't have to spend your life placating him and treading on eggshells, you should be able to just be yourself.

It also sounds like he kept up a facade for the wedding and now he doesn't have to bother. It must be very wearing for you. You could be perfect and from what you've said, he'd still whinge

He’s emotionally abusive isn’t he. Nothing will ever be enough for him.
These men like to ruin special occasions too.
Keep to your plan.

That's a massive turn off.

My DC overtook their father's emotional level of maturity at about 15. Not kidding. My teens take responsibility. They can say sorry. They can feel sorry more to the point. They can overlook others' mistakes and cheerfully give second chances. I can see them growing emotionally all 5he time and my xh, their father trails behind them.

He is not speaking to one of them at the moment.

So my point is, it never resolves itself with a man like this because it is all always your fault!

Oh god, he sounds like an absolutely exhausting nightmare. You do right to leave him before you waste any more of your life on this man-child. Be prepared for the guilt trips when you tell him. He won't let you go easily!! He will know that no-one else will put up with his shit.

@new0rules I was in this exact same position 5 And 1/2 years ago I didn’t have kids though. I didn’t tell anyone what the guy was doing to me ( physical, financial and mental abuse ) until recently I’ve started talking about it with my family. I got the courage to walk away after just 5 months of us being married and at the time I had all of the “ you need to work on a marriage, you can’t walk away after this little amount of time “ it was the best thing I have ever done. You need to do what you need to do for you and your kids. Good luck and like a pp said, keep your eye on the prize.

He sounds absolutely hideous.
You have really brought his hideous ness alive though!

Thank god you have seen the light.

Can you siphon money away quickly?
Can you get all the paperwork you need quickly?

Pretend to be unwell while away...think headaches or something similar.

Spend time planning on being away from this twat.

Be thrilled you have made the decision.

sounds like you’re done taking his shit OP. Is there no way you can get out of the few days away with him? Illness, broken leg, spontaneous combustion 😉?

Well done for realising this and making plans to leave. Its a great warning to all those "fixer women" who think if I just do this or that he will change. His behaviour was there at the beginning and nothing anyone can do to change that. You've learnt a good lesson and able to get out before you stick around for another 20 or 30 years...good luck...

What a liberating feeling for you OP! You have a clear idea of what you want to do and a timeframe of when to do it. Good luck!

Sounds like the end of the road OP, I think we know when enough's enough. Prepare yourself though, you're handing him his best ever opportunity to play the victim and paint you as the bad guy and he will use it to it's fullest potential. Best advice I can give you is don't get dragged in to endlessly defending your reasons, they will never be good enough in his eyes because they're not his reasons. Stick with 'I just don't love you anymore', it's harder for him to argue with that although he will probably still try. I hope you can be free and happy soon

I'm glad you've decided to end this marriage. Your husband sounds impossible and very immature, I doubt anyone would put up with him.

Make a new life for yourself and your child. Good luck.

Updating this because I really need to write it down.
We are on day 3 of an amazing holiday that I planned and organised for the past 4 months. For about 5 minutes at the start of the holiday I thought dh was going to behave normally, like a loving partner/stepdad, and enjoy the holiday. I think I was even a bit worried my resolve would weaken to leave. Well I didn’t need to worry.
Day 1- I had cricked my neck (I think related to exercise) and was in pain during the airport/flight. I have severe health anxiety and diagnosed OCD and after a few hours on the plane I started having symptoms of a panic attack. Tried to tell him so he could help with dd when I went to the loo to sort myself out. He was angry that i “ruined the start of the holiday”, made out that I was making it up (he’s well aware of and has witnessed my panic symptoms before), had a go at me and wouldn’t speak to me for the rest of the flight or trip to the hotel. I did manage to calm down a little but his anger made me panic even more. It was just unkind.
Day 2- we are sitting by this idyllic pool. Dh asks me what do I want to do today? I said I’d like to wander somewhere to get lunch as dd (6) would need some shade and we could do more pool/beach after. Dh said he wanted to spend the whole day by the pool- I said that was fine but just need to break up to day for dd (who sure enough was bored of swimming the next time she came over.) Dh got pissed off and said “why don’t you just tell me what we are doing then, you obviously don’t care what I want to do”. I was like— you just asked me what I wanted to do, if there was only one right answer why did you ask? He then fumed at me and refused to calm down for the next 2 hours. Didn’t care that dd knew. The thing is, I knew that us spending the whole day by the pool would also mean I had to spend the whole time entertaining dd in the pool while he lay in the sun scrolling on his phone as he likes to do. I didn’t mind if he sat by the pool, I’m often off doing stuff with dd, but to me that sounded like only relaxing for him. All I said was I wanted to break up the day by going for lunch in a while. Jesus, ONLY he could ruin an idyllic setting/lovely day like that on a pretext.
Day 3- we are sitting right by the water on the beautiful beach. I’m making sandcastles with dd, then we go and have a long swim in the sea, again he is chilling with his phone. When we come back dd asks him to swim in the sea with her, he seems up for it. I have a read and within about 10 mins she is running back to me. I think, maybe she’s bored and we make more sandcastles. He emerges from the sea in such a bad mood. “WHY did you get me to come in the sea if you didn’t want to? You jsut got straight out!” He’s having a go at dd and making this huge deal of the fact that a 6 year old changed her mind about swimming in the sea. Since he was the one who had wanted to go to the beach I jsut assumed that he wanted to swim in the sea. I just was like “it’s ok dh, don’t worry about it” but he wouldn’t stop going at dd. Then turned on me saying I “NEVER” listen to him, he feels unheard, bla bla. Thing is he is not unheard. If anything I’ve spent way too much time listening to and counselling him. He just uses fucking therapy speak like “unheard” as a weapon to take his shitty moods out on me. I timed him: he sulked for the next 2 hours. With a towel over his head. He looked so ridiculous I almost took a photo to remind me of this situation. The couples either side of us were just staring at him incredulously, it was embarrassing. I was even asking him something when we were packing to leave and he literally ignored me. I had to almost shout “DH??” so he would answer me. It’s a new height of teenage tantrum.

What does he do after these sulks? Generally decides to just stop abruptly and ask me and dd for “cuddles”. Generally the last thing we wanna give him. If we do not (without apology from him) just breeze over his furies and moods, it only kicks him back into them. Did I hear sorry once yesterday? Nope. When dd was having a nap he was telling me he was just feeling so “anxious” hence his moods. Nope. Not anxiety. I have severe anxiety and I go to big lengths to control it and shield others from it. I tried to follow the conversation thoguh as I was curious as to whether he’d say sorry. He didn’t. To be honest the rest of the day was ruined because I wasn’t excited to do anything with him anymore. I felt drained, as usual, and frustrated that every day he had found a way to start a go at me followed by a sulk. When we got back to hotel and dd was in bed he was trying to grope me and I felt actually sick. He’s not going to get any intimacy if the days go on like this because I physically jsut can’t, I feel repulsed by him, but he doesn’t make the connection at all. Doesnt get that my affection and attraction is to be honest dead because of the way he treats me.

I don’t want dd to try and placate him to get him back in a good mood which is what I used to try and do (I just don’t care anymore.) I had a firm talk to her about it today and told her that he’s behaving badly and grownups should not act like that. No way is this gonna be her normal.

It’s 6am here and I know it’s just going to be another day, another tantrum. I’m so gutted he is setting out to destroy this holiday with his moods. I’m sick of being his therapist so don’t want to turn the other cheek any more. I have been reading about my options and because we have been married less than 1 year, we have to either separate for 2 years first or he needs to agree to his unreasonable behaviour as grounds which i seriously doubt he will because all this is my fault. He has been talking about a role based overseas for a while with his boss and hopefully he will take that and go, and dd and I can get on with it. I’m sorted with childcare, money and everything else so to be honest aside from switching direct debits to my account from the joint, it won’t be logistically very hard. This all feels incredibly scary but no scarier than trying to make this work. Im done. I find him absurd and I am furious at him for trying to ruin our holiday every single day over nothing.

Aw hun! This life sounds awful!! Ide leave and spend the rest of your life with your child because he is going to mentally damage that child take it from someone that has severe anxiety anger issues and depression from my upbringing with a father who constantly shouted and argued with my mum .. I treat my kids how I wanted to be brought up now xx