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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have realised this about dh.

73 replies

new0rules · 17/02/2020 15:52

Posting under a new name, but I’m a lurker and especially on this board over the past few months...

I don’t think my husband is very nice. He can’t hear a word of disagreement without having what I would say is a teenage tantrum. He will storm off, say “don’t touch me”, stonewall, say spiteful things, refuse to calm down or de escalate. Then when he comes down off his anger and realises I’m not being particularly affectionate (because I don’t feel it), he will get either super needy/clingy or start yet another row about how I punish him. I don’t have any sexual attraction to him left and he complains about that too. If he perceives me as “being quiet”, if he feels hard done by in any way, he will start something. He’s done it in restaurants, on holiday, on Xmas, on my daughters bday, on date nights. He acts like I should be grateful he ever talks about his feelings because it’s “so hard” for him. He acts like I should be able to take near constant sulks and moods and accusations and still fancy him, love him and want to plan a future with him.

It wasn’t always this bad, I sometimes think- but then I think maybe whenever he’s got really comfortable and complacent, it actually has been like that. Our wedding was a distraction and he magically gets nicer and more reasonable when there’s something fun going on (that I’ve invariably organised and done all the work for.) I don’t think he’s a very nice man. He seems to think that the rules of adult behaviour shouldn’t have to apply to him because of his “anxiety” and the fact that his mum suffered with poor mental health. His jokes are not funny and often at others expense while he has the thinnest skin ever himself. He has gained a few stone due to laziness and is 15 stone + and rages at me for not being up for sex any more. I’m too nice to ever tell him it’s because of his weight and his personality. I think he jsut feels entitled because I’m his wife.

We have to go somewhere together for the next 5 days that I cannot get out of and I just need somewhere to put all this.

I’m raging. What a waste of years and potential. I know I am going to leave when we are back.

At least I don’t even feel sad any more.

OP posts:
Blahblahblah12345 · 22/02/2020 12:00

Wow he is a giant man baby! You sound resolved on leaving him though which is good. He wont be able to manipulate you into staying. Just be prepared for the guilt trip.

Mmmmdanone · 22/02/2020 12:03

I've realised similar- that DH isn't very nice, but I've now been with him 20 years. So well done for having the realisation so soon! My DH turns nasty when I criticise the tiniest thing he's done, he turns it back on me and points out all my faults, he tells me I should give him the benefit of the doubt when he's been a total dick because "I should know him better". Well yes,I do know you, you're a dick! He has his good points which is how I've struggled on for so long, but I now know it's not enough.

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2020 12:03

Let him sulk.

Next time he does, pick up you stuff and DD and go and find something else to do.

Tell him he can join you if he wants to behave like a reasonable human being (or don't. Just go)

No chance you and DD can move to another room?

Wereallsquare · 22/02/2020 12:10

Good you have recognised it and are willing to be honest with yourself. Life can throw us enough misery without our actively choosing it. It is within your power to change things The dashed hopes and dreams - beyond disappointing, but you and your kids deserve better.

Blackandgreenteas · 22/02/2020 12:20

He sounds absolutely awful and, yes, exhausting. He also sounds a lot like my exh. He couldn’t make the connection between his horrible sulks and bad behaviour and my lack of attraction either.

timeisnotaline · 22/02/2020 12:27

Oh op, when you know you know. Can you just pick up your things and head to the beach with dd the first cross word he says? Say You are ruining our holiday, dd & I are going to enjoy today. We will be back for dinner, if you want to go eat with us meet us at the room at 5:30.
And go.

sHREDDIES19 · 22/02/2020 12:27

Yeah that is the opposite of what a normal and loving relationship should be. He sounds like a nightmare and I think we are all glad you’ve found the resolve to face this head on and say “no more”. You and your daughter deserve so much better than this man child. I’d ditch him for the rest of the holiday personally and have some actual fun with your girl.

IdleLiz · 22/02/2020 12:34

So he also emotionally abuses and manipulates your DD? He is a shit stepfather and you should have took her out of this situation a long time ago.

Don't leave it a minute longer.

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/02/2020 12:37

You are making the right decision leaving the emotionally abusive twat! Not just for you but for your DD. If you stay, all your DD will learn is that it's ok to put up with abusive men, placating them and giving them what they want.
I agree with PP--go off, do you own thing and have fun with your DD. He will sulk regardless of what you do so I wouldn't let that stop you.

damnthatanxiety · 22/02/2020 12:46

Out of interest, OP what would he do or say if you held him to account? If you just gathered your stuff when he had a tantrum and told him he could join you when he had decided to act like an adult? Because he is acting ridiculously anyway - so what else would he say or do that would be worse?

Techway · 22/02/2020 13:01

OP, I would congratulate you for acting so quickly. It was after a holiday that I decided I needed to end it because if they can't be happy when life is stress free you know that this will always be your life.

It doesn't surprise me that you always have to put his needs first and even be a mind reader at times. Saying No to Ex would trigger an outburst and he would sulk and stonewall me but be over the top nice to the children. Thankfully your daughter is his step child as they often get the children to line up against the other parent.

I would however warn you that these men often become very vindictive when you try to divorce them. They are out to win at all costs and punish you for not being the perfect partner that they thought you were. I hope it isn't the case for you but I wish I had been warned. What is the housing situation? Do you jointly own a place?

Do you know the cycle of idealise, devalue & discard? Dr Elinor Greenberg has excellent articles on this subject if you want to understand the type of person you are dealing with.

billy1966 · 22/02/2020 14:05

He sounds so hideous.
So glad you are done.
Your poor DD deserves better.

For the next two days, why don't you collect your stuff the minute he kicks off and leave him.

You are pandering to him by physically staying with him as he ignores you.

Just head off and do something with your dd.

LannieDuck · 22/02/2020 14:37

It sounds as if you've moved on in your head already. There's not much of a relationship left to salvage. It'll probably be a relief when you say it out loud to him.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 22/02/2020 14:47

Two years separated would be a small price to pay really OP. It will whizz by and you will have the added advantage of no longer having the anxiety.

I had a relationship similar to this and I was anxious all the time. he hated the personality I had become (an anxious mess) but he was responsible for it!

Be your own best friend here and get him served papers. Be done with it before your DD is any older and more aware of his twattery.

Bluebell121 · 22/02/2020 22:20

Any update ? How you feeling hun? X

Catchuptv · 22/02/2020 22:29

Be careful - he sounds so childish but if he finds out you're definitely going to leave he may try and stop you and he might even get physical.

partofthepeanutgallery · 22/02/2020 23:01

Sorry. What a shit way to spend a holiday. Hang in there ... you'll never have to do this again as you're going to find a way out of this marriage.

You deserve better. So does your DD. Flowers

Weenurse · 22/02/2020 23:17

Good luck 💐

Babooshkar · 22/02/2020 23:35

He sounds like a complete narcSad

SortingItOut · 23/02/2020 07:23

With regard to your divorce, I just divorced my husband and went under unreasonable behaviour.
When he got the online form through he had 3 options, agree to my reasons, disagree but agree to proceed and disagree and not proceed.

I had an emotionally abusive marriage similar to yours where the mental health card was always played and I was so worried he wouldnt agree. He ticked the disagree but agree to proceed box so I guess that was his tiny bit of control he had.

You might be surprised and he might do the same.

Good luck with everything, hope the test of your holiday is better.

HelloDulling · 23/02/2020 07:31

Oh, God, OP. He sounds hideous, and v like my mum’s partner. Get away from him and don’t look back.

ememem84 · 23/02/2020 07:35

Any chance you can go home early if you need to?

Lentilbug · 23/02/2020 07:35

Get out. Don't waste any more time with him. Be free and be happy.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 23/02/2020 07:42

He's emotionally abusive. And he's abusing your dd too. Grab all your stuff and go out for the day with dd. Leave him to do what he wants. Fuck him. I would take your passports and money with you in case he tries to punish you by hiding them. Spend the bare minimum of time with him. If you have any joint accounts and you can safely do this, i would move half the money out to keep it safe from him.

willowmelangell · 23/02/2020 07:59

Well done op. No more compromising your life and your dd life. I wish I had had that clarity a decade ago. I kept trying to please. I did leave but wasted 18 years of my life.
I hope others will recognise their 'd'p behaviour and be inspired by you.