I have realised this about dh.

[new0rules]

Posting under a new name, but I’m a lurker and especially on this board over the past few months...

I don’t think my husband is very nice. He can’t hear a word of disagreement without having what I would say is a teenage tantrum. He will storm off, say “don’t touch me”, stonewall, say spiteful things, refuse to calm down or de escalate. Then when he comes down off his anger and realises I’m not being particularly affectionate (because I don’t feel it), he will get either super needy/clingy or start yet another row about how I punish him. I don’t have any sexual attraction to him left and he complains about that too. If he perceives me as “being quiet”, if he feels hard done by in any way, he will start something. He’s done it in restaurants, on holiday, on Xmas, on my daughters bday, on date nights. He acts like I should be grateful he ever talks about his feelings because it’s “so hard” for him. He acts like I should be able to take near constant sulks and moods and accusations and still fancy him, love him and want to plan a future with him.

It wasn’t always this bad, I sometimes think- but then I think maybe whenever he’s got really comfortable and complacent, it actually has been like that. Our wedding was a distraction and he magically gets nicer and more reasonable when there’s something fun going on (that I’ve invariably organised and done all the work for.) I don’t think he’s a very nice man. He seems to think that the rules of adult behaviour shouldn’t have to apply to him because of his “anxiety” and the fact that his mum suffered with poor mental health. His jokes are not funny and often at others expense while he has the thinnest skin ever himself. He has gained a few stone due to laziness and is 15 stone + and rages at me for not being up for sex any more. I’m too nice to ever tell him it’s because of his weight and his personality. I think he jsut feels entitled because I’m his wife.

We have to go somewhere together for the next 5 days that I cannot get out of and I just need somewhere to put all this.

I’m raging. What a waste of years and potential. I know I am going to leave when we are back.

At least I don’t even feel sad any more.

ChewChew is right. Put all passports and cash in a safe place. When you get home, rent a safe deposit box in your name and keep all documents -- birth certificates, marriage license, passports, insurance documents, etc. as well as as much cash as you can accumulate before leaving.

So glad you're leaving. Use the delay until you do to plan everything so that it's as smooth a process as possible.

Id be going to reception to see if there is another room available, ideally on the opposite side of the hotel

Id be going to reception to see if there is another room available, ideally on the opposite side of the hotel

This with bells on it

Thanks for the update op! He sounds bloody awful, you are absolutely making the right decision. A partner should enhanse your life, not drag yours down. The towel over his head had me cringe laughing so hard! Hope the last few days of your hol, you and dd can enjoy together. And as you say, once home begin making steps to bin the manipulative man.

@TheReef are the bells an early warning system of some kind? 😂

@SkaLaLand maybe not this early on a Sunday whilst in holiday, might piss the other holiday makers off

This man is just a whole new level of defence mechanisms at play.

Regression when he doesn’t get his own way.
Displacement when he is sulking and blaming you.
Entitlement when he expects intimacy.

It would be interesting to know if he behave s like this in his employment.

Look up the drama triangle op.

Well done though for looking for a way out. We are all behind you xx

You don't need any advice off here your eyes are wide open and you have a plan .
Leave and don't look back as you said not been all bad but it's run it's course and getting to a point where it will be damaging for you best of luck for the future.

Good luck, he sounds like a complete bell end.
Enjoy the rest of your holiday with your daughter 🙂

In case anyone wanted an update..
We are now back and despite a bit of best behaviour at end of our holiday, things have not improved, in fact last night was the scene of another pretext on which he got so angry he had a go at me and then flounced to sleep on the sofa over something ridiculously minor. Today I am not even sad but just in planning mode and feel very controlled.
I work in an industry where we luckily get yearly bonuses and I jsut found out mine is more than anticipated and that I will have a really good cushion as of the end of this month. With some calculations this means when dd breaks up for summer in July we will have the money for our own house deposit (have always rented) and frankly I am really excited. Not to mention the fact that H has been offered a role abroad to start in a couple of months which tbh will be the perfect way to send him off.
I guess I just need a handhold/any ducks in a row advice. I’ve got a solicitor appointment next week. I have no clue about divorce really. Most of my financial assets predate our marriage, dh has far more savings than me and I feel pretty sure he would like to ringfence these and not seek my savings during a divorce, I would be happy to agree to this to protect my savings, I don’t want any of his money. I know me and dd are going to be ok. I know that this year I can afford to get her the house with a garden and dog she wants, with no need for a man child sitting around bringing us down.
I feel really light today, like dumbo when he realises he never needed a magic feather! (Sorry for the crap analogy)

Congratulations on your bonus. Glad you're feeling optimistic for the future.. xxx

You sound really positive and you've got a plan!

Will you wait until he's leaving for the new job to tell him about the divorce, or wait until he's actually abroad?

I'm sure your solicitor will give some good advice re the finances. Much easier that you currently rent and you've no children together, that should make it fairly simple.

I guess I need to tell him that it’s over because otherwise he will assume I want to partake in the relocation with him. It’s to a country I always wanted to live in but there’s no way I can do it with him, there’s a pang about it but I know that I have to stay and move on with my life.
He is not going to take this well and will protest that he has just started therapy etc but I don’t think abusive men benefit from therapy and the fact is he is not a nice man, as I said in my op.
I think I need to sit tight on it til I see the solicitor next week but honestly doing all the sums financially has made me feel so much stronger. It is going to be ok. I am so so excited.

It is going to be ok. I am so so excited

That's brilliant, you have a whole new life about to start, the world's your oyster!

OP, so delighted to read this.
Is there anyway you can defer your bonus until you have settled things with him.

Do you think your employer would be amenable considering you are in an abusive relationship.

Get a recommendation for your legal advice.

All paperwork relating to financials, will be of use to you.

Please keep us updated.

You have this

You sound lighter and determined, OP. Thrilled for you. I am sure your solicitor will give you good advice. Stay vigilant and safe. Best of luck to you.

So glad you feel confident about doing this op you and your little girl deserve a happy life filled with laughter and love and it’s a far cry from what you are experiencing now.

Please keep us posted

You have a very short marriage and the law in these circumstances seeks to put you both back in the position you were pre-marriage. So you each keep your own assets and walk away. Any wedding gifts are kept by the person whose friend/family gave them. Simple.
You can't issue a divorce petition until you have been married for a year.

It’s brilliant that you have seen the light, emotionally detached, scheduled a solicitor and have a plan in place.

These are massive achievements. Him moving abroad could be a nice, neat separation. Does that tally with when you plan to rent with your DD?

I would think carefully now about the emotional injury that your DD has suffered by being exposed to this tyrant directly and indirectly watching her own mother being verbally and emotionally abused.

Even if she didn’t see or hear anything (unlikely) she will have sensed and absorbed a lot of v negative stress.

Prioritise her emotional recovery and healing.

Could you consider moving as soon as you for damage limitation? Could you get your rental set up ASAP (short term loan until your bonus comes through) - without him knowing and then just leave.

These types erupt with vile abusive rage when separating - your DD doesn’t need to experience that, even if you can shoulder it.

My daughters behaviour !😭

Your husband has borderline personality disorder with narcissistic traits. There is help out there. He needs therapy, possibly medication and a cbt course. What you've described could have been written about me a few years ago. I'm much better now.

@Poppy54 that could be true but there’s no way anyone can actually make that diagnosis based on what’s been written

OP how are you? Wishing you well!