Page 4 | Husband says he wants to leave

Babe2807 · 2020-02-16T17:31:06+00:00

We've been married for 16 years. We have 2 kids - 5 year old daughter and 1 year old son. My husband is adamant he wants to leave. Says the road we've traveled on has ended. There's no spark. Doesn't love me like before. We've had our ups and downs but never did I think we weren't forever. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. I just cry. Any advice?

Comtesse · 23/06/2020 20:09

Glad you have a solicitor. Sorry you are having such a difficult time

Wallywobbles · 23/06/2020 20:10

However hard it is you need to find your self respect. Sorry it's horrible but begging will get you the worst of all possible results.

missrks · 23/06/2020 20:13

What a filthy son of a bitch! That's really cruel.

missrks · 23/06/2020 20:13

Take him for absolutely everything you can. Make his life hell

Tigersneeze · 23/06/2020 20:22

What would happen with his traveling plans if you told him you want him to have the kids 3-4 days a week?

Tigersneeze · 23/06/2020 20:27

Oh only seen your update after I posted.

Hope you get yourself a SHL and take STBEX to the cleaners.

BertandErnie1 · 23/06/2020 20:35

I’m so sorry @Babe2807 that you are going through this.
I’m going through similar , although my ex hasn’t admitted to an affair. Just a new girlfriend within weeks of us splitting. He thinks I’m stupid. I know but I have no proof otherwise.
The lockdown has made everything 10x harder but now I’m able to see and talk to people it’s abit easier - do you have friends who can support you?
Other things I have founds helpful are - having music on a lot to block out my thoughts, mindfulness app, writing things down when angry, sometimes I do tell him what I’m thinking but less so now as he doesn’t really care. Also doing things for yourself when the kids are away, not just cleaning / tidying etc.

My ex is like a stranger now , a person I barely recognise. We’ve spent 20 years together and I genuinely would have never believed he’d have done this to me and the kids. I’m extremely sad and angry about it all but he’s shown me how he treats people and I don’t deserve that. I deserve better and you do too.

Hold your head high and show him how well you are doing without him. He might well come crawling back one day and you can delight in telling him where to go!

Morgan12 · 23/06/2020 20:39

Absolute filthy bastard.

Please stop begging, he isn't coming back.

Take him for everything. Stop being so accommodating.

Things will get better. You deserve much more.

icansmellburningleaves · 23/06/2020 20:42

Men rarely leave a relationship just because they are unhappy. In my experience and that of other women I know, they already have another woman lined up. Get yourself a decent solicitor. 💐

Apileofballyhoo · 23/06/2020 21:13

OP you need to concentrate on finances. He's moved on from you, he's not your friend, he doesn't have your back. He's only going to be thinking about your much money you're going to cost him and how to minimise it. You have to think of how you're going to maximise it.

Do you have equal pensions?
Equal salaries?
Can you afford to buy him out of the house?
School fees?
Maintenance?
Joint savings?
Other joint debts?

NoHardSell · 23/06/2020 21:17

I'm glad for you that you have the truth. It really will set you free. You can see that this was him ..and there was nothing you could do to change his mind ...his narrative was false

It does get better and you will feel stronger

Villanemme · 23/06/2020 21:26

Interesting that men say 'I still want to be part of the children's lives'. They assume the mother is going to stay with them and they are going to live the free, single life. I'd love to see the look on their faces if their partners said, 'oh ok I'm off, have fun with the kids'.

PicsInRed · 23/06/2020 21:29

OP, you are not an idiot. Your response is totally normal.

Go and read the "Chump Lady" website. All will be explained to you. Google "The unified theory of cake".

Now. Pick yourself up, get an excellent solicitor and go and get yourself the best possible financial settlement you can with ZERO consideration for his feelings. You and the kids, OP. That's your team now. Make sure it's a solvent one.

Fuck that guy. 💐

Tigersneeze · 23/06/2020 21:31

Interesting that men say 'I still want to be part of the children's lives'. They assume the mother is going to stay with them and they are going to live the free, single life. I'd love to see the look on their faces if their partners said, 'oh ok I'm off, have fun with the kids'.

^
THIS!!

NeedToKnow101 · 23/06/2020 22:08

Interesting that men say 'I still want to be part of the children's lives'. They assume the mother is going to stay with them and they are going to live the free, single life. I'd love to see the look on their faces if their partners said, 'oh ok I'm off, have fun with the kids'.

^
THIS!!^
^^
Yes this! That would wipe the smile off his face if you left him with the kids and went off travelling yourself. (Obviously not nice for the kids, you know that; how comes these men don't?)

Whatabambam · 23/06/2020 23:11

Oh gosh, how awful for you, I can actually feel your pain coming out of your post. Please don't listen to that nonsense about you causing yourself the pain you are in as a result of finding the proof. He created this.

You need to turn your back on him and view him as the lying, cheating wanktard that he has revealed himself to be and use your energy to create your new life away from him. Get some space for you. Get some legal advice. Start controlling the situation. Make sure he doesn't opt out of the children's lives both financially and practically.

You deserve so much better than this. The new partner has landed herself an untrustworthy adulterer. Let's hope she receives the same treatment from him in good time.

Sending hugs

Whatabambam · 23/06/2020 23:16

Oh, and figure out how you can minimize your time together during visitation. Ask him to stand on the doorstep and ensure that the children stay with him and away from your home. Remain emotionally detached. Show him nothing but a bland exterior and do not reciprocate any conversations he may start. Communication should be limited to text or email and should be directed towards only practical matters such as childcare

bigvig · 24/06/2020 07:11

Why is he visiting the children at your house? Make him take them out - for walks etc or to his - OW can make sure she is absent. If he can't do this then he needs to sort out his living arrangements. You are making it far too easy for him as you are providing a nice environment for him to 'look after' the children in. I bet you do all the feeding and looking after.

Original poster

Babe2807 · 24/06/2020 07:34

I do do everything for the kids. Feeding, bathing, dressing, schooling and still do my own job! He doesn't take the kids as I don't want them near OW at all! Plus I don't want them to be more confused - they need routine and stability. The visitation rota the lawyer and I have drafted is going to make him mad! Does anyone have any experience in what happens when you have such small children and the family home. I could continue to pay the mortgage on my own but won't be able to pay him out of his share he has already paid.

OP posts:

BurtsBeesKnees · 24/06/2020 07:48

There is something you can draw up legally to say you will sell up at a certain time (usually when the dc are at a specific age) and he will get his share of the equity. If he continues to pay an amount towards the mortgage it will be the equity at time of sale. But if you pay all the mortgage then you agree an amount now and that's ring fenced, you get the rest at point of sale. It means he stays in the mortgage tho and that may be an issue if he wants to buy elsewhere. I think it's called a deed of trust, your solicitor will be able to give you options.

But if you've got dc he can't force you to sell.

Apileofballyhoo · 24/06/2020 12:11

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

madcatladyforever · 24/06/2020 12:30

What an utter bastard. I hate him and I've never even met him.
My husband did this to me three years ago. I thought he was the love of my life, I thought we'd be together forever, the day before we were holding hands down the road. He just fucked off after 20 years together, without even having the decency to have a conversation about it.
I didn't think there was an OW either but it turns out he found some trollop not worth half of me on a fetish BDSM site and has decided this is his life now going about in a rubber gimp mask and looking like a tit.
Don't beg him to come back, he is loved up with the OW right now and couldn't care less. Be distant and remote.
He is being nasty to you because he feels guilt.
Make sure to ask him how he can do this to his children everytime you see him and tell him how unhappy they are.
Mine got nothing in court, the house and money was all mine, three years later he is £50k in debt and begging to come back. I just laughed in his face, I don't want 2nd hand goods thank you. You chose the OW despite the fact she is a common piece without any intelligence, live with it.
He's been telling everyone he was stupid and reckless blah blah but the truth is I don't want him back now. I have no respect for someone like him who did what he did, and I have a pretty comfortable life. I don't need his accumulated debt.
I guarantee when the first flush wears off he will be regretting everything he did and it's highly unlikely OW is that amazing.
Time to get as much cash as you can while he's still loved up, arrange to be out when he visits the kids, be clever with the divorce.
You don't need a shitty piece of crap like this who abandons his own children for another woman. He is worthless.
Be strong, you can do better. Even if he came back you'd never trust him again.
The grief will wear off and you will see him for what he really is.

Original poster

Babe2807 · 24/06/2020 12:57

@madcatladyforever - thank you. You've given me some hope I'll get over this. I'm a complete wreck and cry everyday. How long did it take for you to feel better and think like this?
Also how did you manage to get it all in court?

OP posts:

LJenn · 24/06/2020 13:13

Interesting that men say 'I still want to be part of the children's lives'. They assume the mother is going to stay with them and they are going to live the free, single life. I'd love to see the look on their faces if their partners said, 'oh ok I'm off, have fun with the kids'.

YES!!!!! I've been saying this for YEARS🔥🔥. Exactly. HE made the decision to break up the MARRIAGE but not the FAMILY. I'd have called his bluff and gone... ok fine. I'll sort our my place and we can arrange the days for me to have them👌🏻👌🏻. Men would SHIT themselves.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/06/2020 13:51

This is horrendous OP.
I'm glad you have the truth now.
In all honesty.... it was a good year before I felt like myself again.
I cried so much for months and months.
When he sees the kids can you go somewhere else?
Literally wave on the way out and tell him when you will be back.

He's following the script nicely.
Have a read of THIS THREAD it's amazing how they all do exactly the same thing.

You must stop begging him to come back.
You need to detach. It's bloody hard but you can do it.
You need to be very indifferent when he comes to see the kids.
Appear like the strong woman you actually are.
He won't realise what he's missing until he sees you as a strong individual. Fake it until you make it OP!!!

I hope you have a lot of love and support around you.
My friends and family got me through all of this. Could not have done it without them!