Husband says he wants to leave

[Babe2807]

We've been married for 16 years. We have 2 kids - 5 year old daughter and 1 year old son. My husband is adamant he wants to leave. Says the road we've traveled on has ended. There's no spark. Doesn't love me like before. We've had our ups and downs but never did I think we weren't forever. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. I just cry. Any advice?

He doesn't deserve what he's got. Let him go. He will come to his senses by which time you choose whether or not to have him.
You deserve so much more OP. Everybody does.
I'm very sorry for you.
As for his advisor wtf does she know about anything?

Bastard. Let him go and live this fancy life he so desires - get yourself and the kids protected and sorted and then when he finally wakes up and begs to come back because he's made an awful mistake tell him to fuck off.

The utter selfishness of some ppl makes my blood boil.

You and the kids will be ok in time and will have happiness again.

Agree the reason for him leaving doesn’t matter in the sense that you need to focus on moving forward and getting the best situation for you and kids, but also understand it is hard for you to settle without knowing the real reason this is happening. My guess if he’s flat out refusing counselling or trying it etc is that he has found someone else (even if nothing has happened at this point) or he has been feeling like this for a long time and feels there is no return. Time will help and you will get through this with your beautiful children.

Wonder if his ex-colleague will feel like helping him find his happiness if he arrives on her doorstep with his belongings in bin bags - or if she will shit herself at the lost no-hoper on the door step. Kick him out. Tell him he's got till Friday to "travel" and to find suitable accommodation to have his kids for the weekend. What a twat.

I'm glad you've found your anger OP, hold onto that and use it.

He doesn't get to opt out of being a parent (well he shouldn't get to anyway) so how's he going to fit in looking after the dc in his new exciting life?

Okay, sit him down and discuss him moving out, tell him how much maintenance is required and sort out when he will have the kids. Take control OP. I know it's shite and it will be for a while but having some control will help you.

Sorry OP

It’s very immature of him. Trying to stylize his itchy feet as a problem with your relationship rather than ploughing his energy into his family.

I despair at the number of men I read about on mumsnet who seem to expect marriage to be like one long honeymoon of exotic beaches and wall-to-wall sex. Then get all hard done by when it isn’t.

All strength to you as you work things out from here.
xxx

You must be absolutely devastated OP. To find out he is far from the man you trusted, married and brought precious children into the world with.

It sounds like classic, weak-willed mid life crisis. Right now, everything is going to feel really really shit but there is one priceless thing you haven't given to this cretin that you can't regain. Your life and future. If he can do this to you and his children, he doesn't deserve a loving wife and family. He deserves to be a lonely, regretful old man which is what he'll eventually become.

Get yourself a good solicitor, ask him for the date he is moving out or tell him to move out. Get copies of all bank statements, payslips, make sure you have birth & marriage certificates & passports. Do you have a friend or relation who could look after anything that you don't want him to take? Make sure that you secure enough money, open a new current account in your sole name, get cashback whenever you go shopping & squirrel it away, make sure he can't clear your joint account. Don't ask him when he will be having the children, tell him when he will have them. He lost the privilege of choice when he announced your marriage was over.

He's still not moved out. Keeps saying the same thing - that we've reached end. But still wants to be part of kids life.
I haven't had heart to seek solicitors advice yet as I was truly hoping he'd change.
In the meantime I've been so kind and nice. Doing nice things. Saying nice things. He's totally non-receptive.
Is this truly the end? I feel he is being selfish but why can't I just stop him hurting me?

@Babe2807, I’m sorry you are in this position. Join us on the ‘Some Friendly Words - Support Group’ thread. We are a group of empowered, lovely women in your situation, after long marriages/ relationships. There’s lots of supportive, kind advice and we’ve got each other’s backs.

Oh lovey don’t do the pick me dance :(

He needs to own his shit! He doesn’t get to say you’re over and then hang around. You simply cannot live like that. Did he honestly think he could say that and things would just carry on as before?

You need to find your anger!! How fucking dare he think he can treat you and your DV like this

DC

Don't do the Pick Me Dance. You will despise yourself for it and you won't magically make him respect you any more, quite the opposite in fact.

Yes - the pick me dance has the opposite effect. He'll just think your desperate and reinforce his view that he can do what he likes

Tell him he can move out whenever he wants but you want maintenance for the children & he can have them every friday & saturday night & any other night you may choose. He will soon realise that when he is working all week & coping on his own all weekend with two small children, he won't have the energy for socializing & starting a new relationship. He decided he wanted to end your marriage, you decide on what terms. Get all your information, payslips, bank statements etc, keep your eye on any joint account for him clearing it out, get yourself an account in your sole name & get cashback every time you go shopping, make sure you have birth & marriage certificates & passports for you & the children, get the best solicitor you can to get you the best deal, he can move out & find a grotty flat, you need to stay in the house with the children if possible, they will have enough upheaval with their dad leaving.

In my opinion people just don't blow up their lives (esp with children involved) unless there is someone new and shiny in the wings.

I'm so upset. I do I prove this other woman exists?

So he nails when you’ve got 2 very young dcs?

Sounds like he had you to himself for so long he’s jealous of sharing your attention with little children.

Please don't do the pick me dance. Desperation never looks good and you are only hurting yourself.

This is not the time to fall apart. Your future self will thank you if you can be focused enough to prevent him taking you to the cleaners.

Collect all financial documentation
Check out Wikivorce
Read Divorce for Dummies or similar
See a competent family solicitor
File for divorce.

Babe2807 - do you have access to his phone to look for any activity on there with OW? If he has a passcode, you should demand to have a look. If he has nothing to hide then he won’t mind will he? (and in case he has deleted stuff remember to go into his sent items folder on email too as that’s one they are likely to forget to delete)

I need to somehow prove there is another woman.

In the meantime I've been so kind and nice. Doing nice things. Saying nice things. He's totally non-receptive.

Then stop.

Stop all this now.

It's over and he has no respect for you because you aren't accepting that and you're humiliating yourself.

It's awful he's allowing you to do that and enabling it. But you need to take control of your own life now.

He doesn't want to be with you. It hurts and you will grieve for the relationship, it will be awful.

But it won't be awful forever and then you can be happy, being single for a while and building up your confidence then meeting people you can be happy with - never again staying with someone who treats you this way.

Do you see that it's over?

I would ask him to leave and seek legal advice. Don’t beat yourself up trying to find out if he has another woman. Be strong and show him you can be an independent woman. He will realise what he has lost and regret it, by then it will probably be too late.

Thought I'd update everyone in case you were interested
Indeed there was OW! I found emails (love letters), photos and even an email of them viewing an apartment together!
I have been traumatised and broken. He moved out early May but still comes to see the kids. Each time being cruel, aggressive and threatening. "Those emails were not meant for you, so you caused your own pain!"
I've got lawyers now and looking at strict visitation rights.
And OW is now definitely in the picture. After denying it - 'she's just a friend" to now saying "I'm in a relationship with her!"
Believe it or not, yes I'm an idiot, I have begged him to come back a million times!
Everyday I cry and sob.