Why do so many of us want a couple?

[PattiPrice]

I’ve been reading posts on this board for a long time.

Repeatedly I read advice about how to meet someone. Advice to posters to LTB because they deserve someone who truly loves them. Advice that it is never too late to find that special person.

I was someone who spent my teens, twenties and thirties either wishing I had that special person or putting up with poor relationships in order to be part of a couple in society.

Weekends were spent dressing up and going out in the hope of meeting someone.

I’m older now and look back at all the time I spent feeling sad that something was missing.

The reality was nothing was missing. It was me trying to fit into a society that conditions people to believe they must be with someone.

Then they must procreate. After that they must build extensions...and so on.

I’m now part of a couple. I have a couple of kids. Life is simply different, certainly not better.

I frequently read that everyone is part of a couple and it’s hard to be single. If so many didn’t settle and conform to ‘settling down’ this wouldn’t be an issue. We see groups of retired people socialising, holidaying - without being a couple.

I honestly believe two independent women living together for practical reasons would make for happier lives.

Surely we have to stop feeding into a society that continues to promote this?

I actually sort of agree but sort of disagree. This idea doesn’t come from ‘society’ but from people’s natural urges to be with someone they love, to find a partner to go through life with and to have support and maybe a family if that’s what they want. I do think people can be happy without that but not everyone. I don’t think it’s just like... propaganda by some illusive part of society brainwashing people or something which makes people feel that they need to be in a couple. Rather I think it’s feeling lonely or seeing other people in relationships seeming happy that makes others want it for themselves.

I also think that this probably says something about your personal relationship that you don’t sound very happy or feel your life is better than when you were single? Maybe you’re not with the right person and yes I agree that it is better to be single than to be with the wrong person. But being with the right person is wonderful and always better than being single - if it’s not, they’re not the right person, if you see what I mean.

I agree. I always tell my kids "if you meet someone who loves you and who you love back and you're happy together you may want to get married and have children some day, but you don't have to. There's so much more to life".

I agree. I was married and do have a child but since divorcing I realise I'm happier single.

It's VERY frustrating that even after 6 years of being single people still refuse to believe that I am happy this way. I get constant questioning from acquaintances along the lines of "have you met anyone/been on any dates?" And even more frustratingly, people telling me that I "just haven't met the right man yet, you'll feel differently when you do."

@Poorolddaddypig that's the exact irritating attitude that I'm talking about. That somehow as a single person I must be less happy than those who are in happy relationships. Some of us don't want a relationship, so no, it's not always better than being single.

I’m now part of a couple. I have a couple of kids. Life is simply different, certainly not better

LTB, you deserve to be happier.

(Sorry, couldn't resist!)

I think the most toxic variety of the thought you need to be in a couple to be happy is the belief that an abusive/miserable/neglectful/cheating/toxic marriage is better than becoming a single mum.

Getting out of that frame of mind that is hammered into us since we are young, is more difficult than spending so much time trying to find “the one”.

I'm been single for two years now(after a 14 year relationship), I miss having someone to do all those things with that you see couples do. I miss having someone to snuggle up to on a Sunday morning, I miss having someone to share my life with. I have no problem being single and I won't just settle for anyone, they will have to be pretty special for me to let into my life but I miss being part of a couple and yes I feel lonely (I'm not I have a great social life).

*I've been

I sometimes wonder if it comes down to people’s personalities?

Some people are naturally more independent and are ‘complete’ on their own? Yet feel compelled to be part of a couple?

For example, I know a couple of people who cannot be on their own. When they go into an empty house, they ‘feel’ the emptiness, they turn on radios and TVs, they pick up the phone. They complain they are bored and at a loss what to do with themselves. I have only ever felt like this the day after coming home from holidays.

The ‘natural urges to be with someone they love’ is incomprehensible to me unless talking about a child or a dead person. I have temporarily thought it whilst being on the receiving end of a breakup in my younger days but with hindsight I cane to realise this was my mental health in need.

I have never felt a need to be with someone other than lust or wanting to fit into society.

I am very happy being single. I find that dating and relationships are too time consuming and add too much complication to life. Plus a lot of times men can be a total headfuck.
I have my dog to snuggle up with and keep me company in the evenings and have good friends and family so rarely feel lonely.

@isitreally, I am very independent and have a few circles of friends, but I felt like you. The thing I missed the most were the simple things: having a conversation about the day at night, and waking up with someone.

I have plenty of friends but they are also busy with their lives, and although the can allocate to meet a couple of times a month to meet up for a coffee, having a day out and even going in a weekend holiday together, I wanted to have someone to talk to in a more regular basis.

I guess it is not so much “romance” that I need, it is the “companionship” that I want.

... having said that, being a closet introvert I also NEED regular time on my own. I love travelling on my own, enjoy it when I’m alone at home, I like my silence and solitude, but as some one said once, solicitud is a good place to visit but not a good one to live in.

I definitely think it is down to personality. I am not very affectionate - I don't like hugs, being touched in general and I like doing things my own way, whether it is deciding where to go on holiday or deciding what colour to paint the living room.

Funnily enough though I'm very social and love spending time with friends - I just don't like having someone constantly around in the house!

I liked being with ex, I like being with DH but I also liked being single inbetween. I was actively refusing to date when I met DH and happened to fall in love. I was really happy on my own at that point in my life. I do think that many people see finding a mate as an accomplishment in life that needs to be done. Too much of the media is about it as well (movies, love songs, tv shows) but I disagree. It can be a nice life to be single, no one holding you back. Equally I don't think everyone is suitable for a relationship. If people would be more open to the idea of being single then a lot of people would actually be happier if you ask me.

I think some of it is couples actually forgetting what it’s like to be single. I’m an introvert and love my own space, and have no problem doing things in my own, but some things are better when done with mates. My couples friends are very happy to do stuff during the day - lunch, a coffee, whatever, it’s the evenings that they want to do everything with a partner. I’ve lost count of the number of climbing partners who have disappeared once they’ve found a romantic partner (you need a belay partner to climb), and nobody wants to come to see a play or concert with me so I go on my own. And don’t even get me started on the number of dinner parties I’ve missed out on because I make it an odd number. And I know there’s always Meet Up but that generally goes the same way - people partner up and drop out.

I guess it is not so much “romance” that I need, it is the “companionship” that I want.

This I fully understand.

This could be achieved by co-living with a family member or friends.

I’m now part of a couple. I have a couple of kids. Life is simply different, certainly not better.

Really? Your DH and children have brought no extra joy into your life?

I am in a happy relationship but I agree with what you are saying. I look back at my youth and think how much time I wasted either looking for someone or tolerating shitty behaviour. However if I had my time again I'd probably make the same mistakes. I think a lot of people in their twenties look at their peers settling down and having a family and think they are missing out.
If I found myself single again I really wouldn't bother trying to date again. I have built myself a nice life with so many interests that I know I could be happy on my own. I think its maturity thats brought this on though.

I am quite pathetic probably and get very lonely when not in a couple.

Everybody finds their own purpose for living and I would say mine was about spending time with the people I love, even if we'r not doing anything 'fun'.

Some people like extreme sports or travelling more and are happy to do so on their own, so I think it depends who you ask.

When im at home with husband, feel like we shut the world out and just chill and be ourselves.

I frequently read that everyone is part of a couple and it’s hard to be single. If so many didn’t settle and conform to ‘settling down’ this wouldn’t be an issue

But OP, isn't this exactly what you've done?

Many of the people who click on your thread title are going to be single people. So I'm not sure what you're trying to say. I get that your thoughts on this might not be fully formed yet, but it kind of sounds like you're suggesting that people shouldn't couple up despite the fact you have.

Really? Your DH and children have brought no extra joy into your life?

No. Life is different. I enjoy seeing them happy. I dislike seeing them sad and worrying about them. It balances out.

I think its maturity thats brought this on though.

Yes. That is it in a nutshell.

Im retired and single,never married,or lived with anyone.And this was in the days when girls tended to get married young,Everyone i knew did,however they didnt all stay married to same person.I always felt odd one out and went through hell im my 30s getting in states because i hadnt met anyone went out with married close friend,she met someone,got divorced remarried,still is to same person.Went on dating sites,never met anyone.But it never happened,now much older and living in the city i moved to for work,im fine being on my own,i have a decent social life,belonging to social groups full of divorced or widowed people,some married who go out singly to.I think now ive realised im probably asexual,i was never that interested in it with men or woman so knew i wasnt gay,

You are right there is far too much pressure to find "the one" most of my divorced friends,now older dont seem bothered being alone.Surely better being happy alone is better than being in wrong relationship.

Is what you are trying to say maybe that you wished you hadn't worried so much about it in your younger days? I wish I'd just got on with life and enjoyed it for what it was and not put so much energy into looking for someone.

So I'm not sure what you're trying to say

I’m saying I felt this need to be a couple to fit in and I have realised in hindsight that had I been more aware of why I was doing it, I might have been more receptive to different paths.