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Original poster

Why do so many of us want a couple?

62 replies

PattiPrice · 16/02/2020 13:46

I’ve been reading posts on this board for a long time.

Repeatedly I read advice about how to meet someone. Advice to posters to LTB because they deserve someone who truly loves them. Advice that it is never too late to find that special person.

I was someone who spent my teens, twenties and thirties either wishing I had that special person or putting up with poor relationships in order to be part of a couple in society.

Weekends were spent dressing up and going out in the hope of meeting someone.

I’m older now and look back at all the time I spent feeling sad that something was missing.

The reality was nothing was missing. It was me trying to fit into a society that conditions people to believe they must be with someone.

Then they must procreate. After that they must build extensions...and so on.

I’m now part of a couple. I have a couple of kids. Life is simply different, certainly not better.

I frequently read that everyone is part of a couple and it’s hard to be single. If so many didn’t settle and conform to ‘settling down’ this wouldn’t be an issue. We see groups of retired people socialising, holidaying - without being a couple.

I honestly believe two independent women living together for practical reasons would make for happier lives.

Surely we have to stop feeding into a society that continues to promote this?

OP posts:
rvby · 16/02/2020 15:14

There is enormous pain in parenting that definitely makes the joy vs. hardship equation relatively similar to being single.

Similarly with my dp, I am terrified of him dying. It doesnt consume my every thought, but I'm very aware that I will pay a bitter price for loving him, when he dies.

Being single is definitely undersold as an option for a fulfilled life.

I dont think its society though - we are social animals who have deep motivations to procreate - that's not the same as "wanting kids', I'm talking about how our bodies sometimes just decide they will engage in mating behavior and that is that. Society just sprung up around those primal urges.

We would be extinct if we didnt have and then follow our urges to mate. It's not our fault that society is set up to support that, but we also have a duty to modify our society to ensure we include everyone. Including folk for whom coupling up isnt a priority.

When my dp dies I will probably look into coliving arrangements. I am a social animal and need to be around other folk in order to be happy.

Original poster
PattiPrice · 16/02/2020 15:15

....most of my divorced friends,now older dont seem bothered being alone

This comes back to the maturity explanation. I completely agree.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 16/02/2020 15:21

I think you need to be happy single to be happy in a relationship.

My relationship doesn’t make be happier, but I’m certainly happier and generally more relaxed when in a good relationship. For me it’s about hoping to find someone who I will spend the rest of my life with in a way that I wouldn’t share it with a close friend etc.

I think being longterm single is thankfully more acceptable now, but there is still a long way to go. Being in a longterm monogamous relationship shouldn’t be default, doing whats best for you should be default.

LonginesPrime · 16/02/2020 15:26

It's never too late to take a different path.

If you feel your teens, 20s and 30s were misspent in looking for a partner, it would be a shame to spend the rest of your life misspent in living out a life that isn't even making you happy.

Once I'd realised, I'm not sure I could stay in a situation like that for the rest of my life. Not least as staying means that no good came from the realisation that you wasted years seeking to be in this situation. Once the awareness that one's not particularly happy hits., it becomes harder and harder to stay in that situation.

Straycatstrut · 16/02/2020 15:33

I'm a SP. I'm being hounded by UC to work FT which means morning/afterschool clubs for my kids and their dads every other weekend (I say "dads" it's the GPs who have them because he doesn't care). Their time with their mum cut right down. So they barely see either parent, and my work coach basically said "Studies show that is best for them" WTF. All because I'm a single parent. It sounds hell and it's really affected me mentally. I'm beginning to think shacking up with the first guy who shows an interest who I can share an income, and be there for my children whilst they are little would be better.

Cherryade8 · 16/02/2020 17:12

I agree OP. I have found a balance between having FWBs/boyfriends and living alone. I have found I like to sleep with someone once a week or so, go for dinner etc but I enjoy living as a single parent with my children and working full time, I have no desire for a 'proper' relationship or marriage.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 16/02/2020 19:02

This could be achieved by co-living with a family member or friends.

I would love to organise an old women house share, but probably we all would be too stuck on our own ways for it to work Grin

Gwenhwyfar · 16/02/2020 19:12

"it is the “companionship” that I want.

This I fully understand.

This could be achieved by co-living with a family member or friends."

No, I disagree with that. It's a different kind of companionship you can have with a special person you're very close to. I accept that some people can have a very close bond with a sister/twin, etc. but for most people it comes from a romantic/sexual relationship.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 16/02/2020 19:15

Yes that’s right. I do love to have the companionship of my friends but I wouldn’t want to snuggle with them at night or to build a future together.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/02/2020 19:16

"I'm beginning to think shacking up with the first guy who shows an interest who I can share an income, and be there for my children whilst they are little would be better."

Well, being single is certainly more expensive. Plenty of people can't buy a house as a single person, for example.

Onlyherefortheconspiracies · 16/02/2020 19:17

I've never wanted to be in a couple and have to say that I don't get the 'companionship' thing. I have lots of folk I can talk about my day with and that's enough for me. I'm 41 and have only ever had one boyfriend. It's just not for me. I'm happy with friends, family and the occasional lover. People seem to find that hard to understand though.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/02/2020 19:17

"I would love to organise an old women house share, but probably we all would be too stuck on our own ways for it to work "

I couldn't do a houseshare at my age. Once you've had your own space, it's very hard to go back to a kind of teenage life where only your bedroom is your own space. There might be in-between arrangements though e.g. everyone having their own bedsit with small kitchen, but a bigger kitchen and common room also available for socialising.

JellyBabyzz · 16/02/2020 19:28

With the divorce rate being around 40%, and relationship forums full of unhappy people, I don't believe that we're supposed to be living life as a couple the way society has made it. I don't know if we're supposed to live with a bunch of females and make relationships secondary, or if we're supposed to live our lives as part of a tribe, or perhaps follow the eastern culture where you don't branch off from your family of origin? I just truly think that this whole idea of meeting someone and having children with them and this nuclear family living on their own in a house works more for the minority than the majority.

I also think society doesn't really cater for singles in many ways, leaving you feeling often that you have no choice but to go along with the status quo and couple up.

Isitsixoclockalready · 16/02/2020 19:30

I agree with those who point to it being down to personality. Some people are more naturally suited to being on their own and some like having an intimacy with another. There are no wrongs or rights.

user1471453601 · 16/02/2020 19:30

I have a very good and kind friend who recently told me she had spent the first five years of knowing me wishing I could "find" a long term partner. And the last 15 years glad that I hadnt.

I'm just not cut out for marriage. I've tried it (it's the cultural norm, isn't it?). But it's just not for me. I have a lovely life good friends, close family etc.

But I do love my own company.

In my 40s and 50s I did feel I "should" conform to the cultural norm of being part of a couple.

Now in my 70s I don't give a fuck. My life, my decisions

LonginesPrime · 16/02/2020 19:31

I sometimes wonder if it's worth living with someone to share the rent, but yes, in reality I like my own space too much to want to share living quarters.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 16/02/2020 19:34

There might be in-between arrangements though e.g. everyone having their own bedsit with small kitchen, but a bigger kitchen and common room also available for socialising.

My aunt lived in old people’s community that was just like that, everyone had a small flat or studio and they spent quite a bit of time in the common areas. She had a great time organising balls and activities there. But still managed to get engaged and have her heart broken at 80 after a life time of well lived singledom.

PorschanotPorsche · 16/02/2020 19:38

I honestly give up finding the one, I'll just take the many. Maybe Monogamy isn't for everybody. I now understand why some of my younger friends are having more open relationships.

ElektraPlektra · 16/02/2020 19:47

To me, nothing is better than being in a happy relationship: the love, both given and received, the cuddles, the sex, and being with someone who totally gets me, who I can be myself with, chatting to someone I am truly interested in and who thinks I'm the bee's knees - you just can't beat it.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/02/2020 19:47

"With the divorce rate being around 40%, and relationship forums full of unhappy people, I don't believe that we're supposed to be living life as a couple the way society has made it."

Divorced people are often the most desperate to re-couple again in my experience, much more so than long-term singles. People keep trying in general. In free love communes where forming relationships was not allowed, it still happened pretty regularly, it's in our nature as humans I think.

shamalidacdak · 16/02/2020 19:52

I don't get it either. I would never get into a relationship as life is so much better and happier on my own. What I don't get is why single mothers seek out partners knowing the risk of abuse and all the problems trying to blend a family. It never works yet they continue to look for 'the one'🙄

TheSandman · 16/02/2020 19:55

Why do so many of us want a couple?

Well my first thought was "because threesomes are fun!" but I suspect I was taking the question a bit too literally.Grin

cosytoaster · 16/02/2020 19:56

I agree. I hate the way that being coupled up is seen as the ultimate and being single is inferior. They are both equally valid choices.
Some people prefer to be part of a couple and will do whatever it takes to be so and others are happier single. There's no right or wrong, but unfortunately there is a bias in society against singledom.

AlwaysInTroubleAgain · 16/02/2020 19:56

My own, personal, read on the threads is that there are plenty of bitter women out there who take great pleasure in breaking up other people's relationships. Harsh but true.

BlancheDuBlah · 16/02/2020 20:02

*Divorced people are often the most desperate to re-couple again in my experience
*
Certainly not ime. And I haven't been short of offers.