Why do so many of us want a couple?

[PattiPrice]

I’ve been reading posts on this board for a long time.

Repeatedly I read advice about how to meet someone. Advice to posters to LTB because they deserve someone who truly loves them. Advice that it is never too late to find that special person.

I was someone who spent my teens, twenties and thirties either wishing I had that special person or putting up with poor relationships in order to be part of a couple in society.

Weekends were spent dressing up and going out in the hope of meeting someone.

I’m older now and look back at all the time I spent feeling sad that something was missing.

The reality was nothing was missing. It was me trying to fit into a society that conditions people to believe they must be with someone.

Then they must procreate. After that they must build extensions...and so on.

I’m now part of a couple. I have a couple of kids. Life is simply different, certainly not better.

I frequently read that everyone is part of a couple and it’s hard to be single. If so many didn’t settle and conform to ‘settling down’ this wouldn’t be an issue. We see groups of retired people socialising, holidaying - without being a couple.

I honestly believe two independent women living together for practical reasons would make for happier lives.

Surely we have to stop feeding into a society that continues to promote this?

There is a new type of apartment block springing up in Dublin for people for co-living. It is, I think, primarily aimed at first time buyers as Dublin house prices are ridiculous but it as - as described above - many apartments comprising of a bedroom and small living area with communal rooms that can be reserved to host larger groups of people to eat together etc. It’s been a while since I read about it and the details are vague by now but it struck me as quite a good idea at the time.

Another thought struck me about the ‘need’ of some people to be in a relationship. Perhaps it is easier to slide from living with parents, to house sharing to living with a partner.

I lived on my own prior to meeting DH. I was used to my own space. I didn’t rely on having a partner. I like being independent. Some people don’t.

Btw the title is a typo that can’t be edited due to this being MN.

I have mixed feelings. I.don't know what a healthy relationship is like, having been in an abusive marriage.
That relationship 'ended' 4.5 years ago, but it took a good two years for him to move out properly. I think that was worse than the marriage tbh.

I remain sad at the fact I'm too much like hard work. I'm never done working on being a better person. I'm the only one I know of still single and not partnered up after a marriage split.

I function well enough on my own. I have friends, great kids, good job.etc. BUT I'm shy, anxious and convinced I repulse men. I've tried OLD but haven't met anyone who floats my boat.

Sitting in a restaurant on my own at the minute. Huuuge wedding party.sitting nearby which isn't helping.

@BlancheDuBlah

How do you get offers? What do you think it is about you that attracts men? I'm curious to know if there's anything else I could be doing to help myself. Genuine question

Eek. Don't really know what to say au fait. Split with ex-H nearly 3 years ago, had interest from a couple of work colleagues once my split was known and some more interest from nights out etc

Marriage was quite long and began in my early twenties straight from my family home so I'm truly relishing my singledom and space. I'm so much happier now being free from my controlling ex. Maybe it shows?

From what you've written sounds like your ex did a number on you and confidence is an issue . You should tackle that first, easier said than done though I know. Have you ever tried talking to someone about it? Counselling-wise?

I'm a Relationship Anarchist. So never, ever conform .

I agree. It is only relatively recently that women have really had the choice to remain single and own property and have financial security. So this is the first time they really have had the freedom to do what they want.

I think it’s just years of genetic programming.

@aufaitaccompli I felt like you after my marriage broke down, I didn't think anyone would find me attractive, my confidence was at rock bottom and like you I was told i was too much like hardwork. I was a complete shell of a person and the opposite of what I was before I met my husband.

It has taken a while for me to rebuild my confidence. I found going to the gym has helped me rebuild it, I started just going and using the equipment but I joined a couple of classes in January and this has helped me come out of my shell. I've also found a man who I actually fancy and I have found myself flirting with him (and enjoying it) it's a shame he only ever sees me in my gym kit, dripping in sweat but you can't win em all🤷‍♀️. The more I notice my body changing the more confident I am getting. I may actually pluck up the courage to ask him out at some point this year😂

A good friend told me I need to work on myself because if I don't like myself I won't give the best me. I think they have it spot on.

Thanks! I started the gym a few months back and do feel physically stronger. Maybe more ballsy?
I know intellectually that I'm someone worth dating, but it's taking the heart a while to catch up.

I've done a fair bit of counseling over the years, CBT, person centred, and I now see a coach to help with future focus.

I was definitely co-dependent before and have worked so hard to shake off those behaviours. I'm told by all and sundry that I'm very hard on myself and that I lack confidence. Consistently, I might add.

Anyway sorry to hijack thread... I think being single is healthier than being in a toxic relationship. My preference would be a cooperative, friendly and respectful close relationship with a guy. I deserve it I think.

@aufaitaccompli it's confidence. Never underestimate confidence.

I'm never short of offers either despite not wanting a relationship. I'm not stunningly attractive, I'm carrying a few extra pounds, I'm divorced with a child. But I'm confident in myself, outgoing, chatty and happy. I get more attention now than I did when I was a slim 20 year old, because I had no self confidence then.

Some of us like living as a couple. I like cooking dinner together, snuggling on the sofa, going to the diy store together - not exciting but lovely in a different way.

I love this post! Well said @PattiPrice!