Happy fucking anniversary

[VinegarTitz]

That's it really, it's just about a year since we last had sex and it's really getting me down.

Both in our late 30s, together 8 years, married 4 with a toddler and a baby. OH is currently finishing up parental leave after I returned to work.

Like most relationships, at the start the sex was great and frequent which slowed gradually over time until the wedding day when it hit a brick wall. We went from probably every other day to once a week or two just like that. Oral sex stopped that day too - well, me receiving it did anyway .

Since our first child was conceived we've averaged 3 or 4 times a year with nothing for the last year.

Normally, the closest to intimacy I get is a peck on the lips every few days although I have to cuddle in to OH at night otherwise they get a right old strop on .

Sometimes when we cuddle in bed we have a little kiss but I'm swiftly told that nothing else will happen. I'm so desperate for sex and intimacy though that the slightest thing turns me on and when I get knocked back I get that horrible turned-on-but-nothing-happened ache in my pelvis which keeps me awake.

As a result I feel unwanted and not at all sexy. I've pretty much given up looking after myself in terms of exercise and grooming because I think "What's the point?" and my general outlook is getting more and more grumpy.

Any time that I've brought this up with OH (very infrequently) they just get angry and shut me down.

One thing that is really concerning me is that previously I've not so much as looked at anyone else but lately I've found that I'll occasionally see someone and think "yeah, I would". Seeing but not looking if you see what I mean...

Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with this and break the deadlock? I've suggested we talk to someone and just get told "No!".

I would be now planning my exit from this relationship with due care and attention. Seeking legal advice would be a good start.

He is not interested in wanting to sort out the underlying problems and you cannot carry a non relationship like this on your own. Staying for the children (I presume this is why you and he are really only together now) if not a good idea and you and he now need to be apart. He is also not a good dad to them because he treats you as their mother so very poorly.

Divorce is not failure here, living in such unhappiness is and the kids will pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here.

There is no future for you in this and it won't do your kids any favours either to grow up within such a hostile environment.

He’s altered the unspoken terms of your agreement.

He either takes notice, and adjusts, or you decide if you need to move on. It’s the way he thinks he can call these shots that’s cruel. Like it’s reasonable and you just have to accept it. You really don’t.

How is the balance in the rest of your relationship? And could he be getting it elsewhere?

I could have written this myself. Sex slow right down whilst we were engaged. Sex on wedding night, then it tailed off so much I know the excat date I got pregnant because it was the only time we had sex in months. The longest I had to wait was 17 months, then it was another 8 months and we just had sex again this week after 6 months.

I've had the exact same feelings as you and the same rejections.

We're in counselling because while sex isn't the be all and end all it is important to me. I made it clear that it didn't even have to be sex but to have some intimacy and to feel wanted, sexy and loved. He was also a "no" person but it was counselling or he leave (not just because of the sex mind you, there were lots of other things too).

I also made it clear that our marriage wouldn't last if we didn't solve this.

If you can try counselling, please do. Together and separately.

You shouldn't have to feel like this. If a person loves you they will want to make it work.

I think you need to talk to him/her about it. Are you both otherwise well? I find when I am ill I need hugs but not sex....

Is there a reason you keep saying ‘they’?

“They”?

If you’re not happy then you need to say so. Who did you want your wife to talk to? It sounds like you’re on different pages and while many marriages go through times of feast and famine in the bedroom, whatever the reason, taking a physical relationship off the table and refusing to discuss it isn’t okay. No one has a right to sex. No one has a right to impose celibacy on their spouse and not at least discuss why.

You have a small baby and it takes lots of women some time to get back to wanting sex, especially if breastfeeding, but the problems have clearly been in place far predating this and you’ve chosen to bring children into an unhappy relationship. Why was that? Babies will improve your sex life, said no one ever...

If they're not willing to get help for this and there's no obvious reason - traumatic birth etc then i think if they're not willing to engage with helping to make this better you may have to look at ending the relationship. It's either that or living like this for the rest of your life.

I assume OP is male...

So was it after marriage or kids that she stopped wanting it? Sounds like she still wants affection/cuddles from you in bed but her sex drive has died. It does she just accept oral sex?
Very difficult for you. I would start by saying she can’t just shut you down when you want to talk about it because it’s a serious issue and book a counselling appointment to talk about it there. If she doesn’t join you it could still be helpful to talk it over with someone experienced.

I suspect the OP is written that way because he think that if he says it’s his wife he’ll get slated, but it you think he’s the wife you’ll tell him he’s in the right.

What’s the reason behind the lack of sex - loss of sex drive, illness, medication, problems in the relationship?

I don’t understand why he’s let frequent sex drift?

I remember with baby and toddler, not having any time to myself and not even being able to go to the toilet on my own. I felt like someone was attached at all times.
Once DC were in bed, no way did I want someone else touching me.
This lasted a couple of years.
I did have sex, very infrequently, with DH. Would have happily gone without.
I also worked out of the home and studied.
I think you need to talk with a counsellor to help going forward.

Well she's not going to want to shag you if you stop grooming. You have two very small children, who are no doubt very physically demanding - she may feel like sex is another chore at the moment, or be afraid of getting pregnant again.

I'd talk to her about going to counselling again. You need to understand what's going on and whether it can be resolved.

Tidy yourself up and take a bit more effort in yourself.
She's probably knackered just now, Just remember that the woman you loved and married is there somewhere. Talk to each other about it, try and find time together without the kids. Counselling.

Do not eye up other women if you want your marriage to work

She needs to be onboard with the desire to keep the marriage alive as well.

Wow, that turned around quickly!

I don't tend to use gendered pronouns in my professional life and it's a habit now. It's nice that quite a few people therefore assume I'm a man trying to pull a fast one...

@category12 - on the grooming, until a few weeks ago I put the effort in every weekend but I got moaned at because I took too long in the shower. Seeing as a) I wanted to get moaned at less, b) I don't particularly enjoy hoiking hairs out of my crotch with an epilator, and c) no one but me even noticed, I decided I couldn't be arsed any more.

Why did we have children when we didn't have a rampageous sex life at the time? Because as already noted, relationships have ebbs and flows. I wasn't to know that it would all but dry up when the blue line appeared.

It's nice that quite a few people therefore assume I'm a man trying to pull a fast one... it happens. It’s weird and awkward to use they on here. Just be honest and people can give you better advice.

I wasn't to know that it would all but dry up when the blue line appeared. I thought it was immediately after you got married, not when you got pregnant?

Also, name change fail OP.

It doesn't matter whether the poster is a man or a woman. This started as soon as the partner thought they had the OP (engagement) and progressed rapidly at marriage.

Having seen this before, I would question whether the partner is attracted to the opposite sex or even interested in sex at all. It's possible we're dealing with another person who has effectively scammed their partner into marriage for the purpose of family, image and children - but with zero intention of intimacy and sex with the OP.

Knowing what I now know, I would leave. 💐

Sounds like they (your wife) is probs pu totally touched out from being at home all day with two toddlers and just exhausted. In time this usually resolved itself. It’s hard on both. Make sure you are pulling your weight around the house. That both of you get some me time outside the house separately and together. And don’t fuck someone else.

It’s not just that you used “they” - you used OH despite being married, “parental leave” which is gender neutral etc. It reads like you’re concealing something, and that’s the most obvious conclusion.

(Not sure I believe your follow up either - who would use an epilator on their pubic hair? )

Regardless, when sex goes away there’s a reason for it. Might be as simple as a relationship being over, might be a medical issue (my sex drive has completely gone longterm for medical reasons), medication, the person actually being asexual and no longer making themselves do it, etc. But there’ll be a reason. The important thing is being able to talk about it.

And the sex of the person does matter. If it’s a woman, is she breastfeeding, pregnant, or having other hormonal issues (on hormonal contraception / treatment, menopausal etc), had a traumatic birth, feel uncomfortable with their body after pregnancy and so on? These things can all impact sex drive or willingness to have sex.

If it’s a man, could they have low testosterone? Suffering erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation etc?

For either, are they using porn rather than having sex (more common with men but could be an issue for women too)?

The advice varies for men and women for a reason, because the causes vary.

@AnneLovesGilbert - Oops! I was messing about with the settings and obviously buggered it... I started with this one so will go back to it.

Any road, as @PicsInRed said, does gender really matter? I was not being dishonest in the OP in any way, simply people like to assume information and run away with it.

Besides, when we got married we were still having sex every week or two which, although not ideal, was enough seeing as we had a lot on our plates at the time.

I don't think there was any scamming going on. I've asked about sexuality and have been told they're straight as a die which I believe.

We have discussed divorce a couple of times this last year and resolve to "make things better" which is a bit tricky as we have no rellies closer than a couple of hours away so nights out are off the cards. Plus both of our parents are bereaved and around 70 so we have our doubts as to whether they could cope with both the kids alone.

The toddler goes to nursery during the week and the baby will be going soon (when they're 1) so there's scope for some alone time for us then if we take some time off work together.

Sex does matter, because there are physical reasons a woman might go off sex after recently having dc.

It's a tough one. My dp is 16 years my senior and has a lower libido than me. We average maybe once a month but there have been times where it's been longer. It's not ideal but the key difference is that he told me about this early on in our relationship. I decided to stay because I love him and can sacrifice more regular sex because I'm so happy in other ways.

Your partner seems to have just taken it off the table with no explanation or communication and that for me would be a deal breaker. Have you had an honest frank chat with him about how bad things have gotten for you? It might be what he needs to hear. If things don't change I would start thinking about whether or not you're compatible and able to spend the rest of your lives living together like this.

Yes sex does matter and if your partner is the one who gave birth you need to understand the impact that has on the female body and mind.

@SinkGirl

who would use an epilator on their pubic hair?

Well I tried the kitchen scissors but they left a fair bit of stubble. Oh, and I had a nasty incident with Immac a few years ago which put me off.

My post says "OH is currently finishing up parental leave after I returned to work". That's what the bit after maternity leave is called!