Happy fucking anniversary

[VinegarTitz]

That's it really, it's just about a year since we last had sex and it's really getting me down.

Both in our late 30s, together 8 years, married 4 with a toddler and a baby. OH is currently finishing up parental leave after I returned to work.

Like most relationships, at the start the sex was great and frequent which slowed gradually over time until the wedding day when it hit a brick wall. We went from probably every other day to once a week or two just like that. Oral sex stopped that day too - well, me receiving it did anyway .

Since our first child was conceived we've averaged 3 or 4 times a year with nothing for the last year.

Normally, the closest to intimacy I get is a peck on the lips every few days although I have to cuddle in to OH at night otherwise they get a right old strop on .

Sometimes when we cuddle in bed we have a little kiss but I'm swiftly told that nothing else will happen. I'm so desperate for sex and intimacy though that the slightest thing turns me on and when I get knocked back I get that horrible turned-on-but-nothing-happened ache in my pelvis which keeps me awake.

As a result I feel unwanted and not at all sexy. I've pretty much given up looking after myself in terms of exercise and grooming because I think "What's the point?" and my general outlook is getting more and more grumpy.

Any time that I've brought this up with OH (very infrequently) they just get angry and shut me down.

One thing that is really concerning me is that previously I've not so much as looked at anyone else but lately I've found that I'll occasionally see someone and think "yeah, I would". Seeing but not looking if you see what I mean...

Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with this and break the deadlock? I've suggested we talk to someone and just get told "No!".

I'm sorry op, i just don't think most human beings are made for long term monogamy. However gorgeous and sexy your partner, sex with the same person year after year gets boring. That's not his fault, any more than it is yours. Consent means that you both have the right to say yes or no to sex and i'm afraid he's given you a very firm no. Try not to take it personally - it would have happened whoever he was with. Time to plan your exit and see if you can salvage a friendship/ coparenting relationship with him for your dcs. You deserve a man who fancies the pants off you and he deserves someone he's attracted to as well.

My interest in sex massively dropped off when I had two children under 4. I later read somewhere that this is very normal because with constant contact with small people all my oxytocin was going towards them. Also was bloody knackered. Sex life is much better now kids are a bit older.
Do not under any circumstances have an affair, unless you want to right royally fuck up the lives of all around you. Including yourself. Keep this as your mantra.
There’s a lot of online advice on how to rebuild your sex life, have a read. It’s mostly about reintroduce it intimacy, making your partner feeling desired etc. There’s no bigger turn off than feeling tired and unattractive and having someone pestering you for sex.

Why are men so constantly obsessed about sex. It seems to be the only thing they think about.
The pill crushes you're sex drive completely. Go and have a vasectomy so she doesn't have to take it.
Constant whining about sex and being sullen about it will kill her sex drive.
Being exhausted with 2 small children will kill it.
I'll tell you what killed my marriage was the oaf I was married to did absolutely fuck all. Left me to do all the child care, all the housework, all the gardening and work full time when I have a chronice health problem.
Then sulked around whining about not having any sex.
Had he brought me flowers, shared the load, got up in the night with DR or shown any interest in me as a person our sex life would have got back on track because I'd have still have loved him.
You only get out what you put in I'm afraid.

Sorry switch the sexes round. Misread.

OP, I get it. My (MALE) partner really went off sex for a few years and I (FEMALE) went through everything that you did. I totally relate, 100%. I didn't want to look anywhere else but I felt so angry and hurt and resentful about it. He kept saying I should initiate it if I wanted it, but he didn't seem to understand how painful I found the constant rejection. First I was desperate to improve myself, to 'make' him want me again, and when I realised that wasn't working I gave up too. I swung between feeling like I'd been cheated, or robbed, and that I just wasn't attractive enough to deserve sex.

He has struggled with depression in the past and additionally when faced with work stress will shut down. It always seems like his libido is the first thing to go if we have any less than optimal life stuff going on. I genuinely have no answers I'm afraid, just wondered if your partner is similar and if it's something a change of pace or medical intervention might help? does your partner notice or mind the lack of sex? Mine didn't but felt guilty that I did, and used it as another depressive stick to beat himself with.

Things changed and I don't know why except that it happened after my DP left a highly stressful job and we moved to a new city. We returned to maybe once a week, sometimes way more often, and eventually conceived our baby. We've had a fallow time since she was born nearly a year ago, due more in part to my lost libido than his I think, and he was really patient about it. Now we are back on a good patch.

I don't feel as furious as I used to about our sex life. I hope I was always supportive about his feelings but yeah it was very hard to deal with and I hope we don't return there. I think if it had gone on longer I'd have had to talk seriously about what our future was, and he knew that. Good luck, I just wanted to let you know that someone here understands and has been there too.

My post says "OH is currently finishing up parental leave after I returned to work". That's what the bit after maternity leave is called!

Parental leave could be either parent though, that was my point.

I was mainly joking about the epilator, just that you’re a braver person than I am - ouch.

So are you and man or a woman?

I think the original post was a bit disingenuous- the name Vinegar Titz implies female, she was a warden in female prison drama Prisoner Cell Block H. And sometimes the sex matters. It does in this case.

I think you have to give her a breather. Shes just had a baby, and if it’s about a year since you last had sex, that ties in with the pregnancy. A lot of women don’t feel like having sex understandably with a baby inside of them.

Give it time. If the love is there, the sex will come back. It’s ok to look at others but don’t be too lechy... it doesn’t come across well in married men.

I think the best thing you can do is put sex on the back burner and give her lots of help with the children - that way she will be less tired and more inclined to being physical. Just let her know you are supportive and let her take the lead when it comes to sex. It might not be for a while but I would refrain from pushing the agenda, otherwise she will feel too much pressure to want to willingly be intimate.

So you’ve got two tiny children and have been talking about divorcing. Yeah, that would definately get me in the mood.
What planet are you on?!

The big flag to me is that they insist on cuddling to sleep and angrily shut it down when you have wanted to discuss it.

I would explain, in writing if need be, that you can no longer cuddle up to them in bed when you feel so rejected and they won't discuss it with you.

Are you a same sex couple?

I think it’s fine to look at this differently depending if you are a man or a woman, particularly after pregnancy. The only equivalent I can think would be if a man didn’t want to have sex after a major operation on his penis.

What isn't ok is to refuse to talk about!

If OH is too knackered then they need to explain that, need to say the other person taking on more of the grunge work would help etc. Or they could be all touched out with no time/space to be themselves...

Why are men so constantly obsessed about sex.
Biology. Mother Nature. Though judging by the “no sex this month? better end it” brigade on MN I’d say it obsesses women just as much! In fact two married parents can be happy and content together with no or little sex. Yes, you’ll get more sexual kicks changing partner every x number of years but it won’t lead to a content lifestyle and peace of mind (not to mention any kind of financial or emotional stability for two adults to raise any children). Amazing as sex can be, those other things take precedents for most adults, be they male or female at the end of the day. Sex fits in around that. Call me old fashioned! Having said all that, yeah, a year (or even a few months)is probably due a conversation...

Maybe she should be talking about it. If I put myself in her position though, I’d be saying it should be pretty obvious why I don’t want to have sex after just having a baby and with 2 kids to look after 24/7.

Man or woman, a person is perfectly allowed to not want sex. A person is also perfectly allowed to desire sex/intimacy. There is something going on with your partner that means they do not want that level of intimacy right now. If they are not prepared to tell you what is going on/not prepared to work on it, and you know you have these desires that need fulfilling, you have two options. 1) continue staying with them FAITHFULLY (ie no cheating- no one deserves to have their health compromised by a cheating partner let alone their emotional well-being), or 2) have a calm adult conversation that you have desires that aren't being fulfilled and that you are leaving. And then you leave. Or you stay, if they are happy for you to have an "open" relationship. But you NEED to have that conversation.

@Karwomannghia

So are you and man or a woman?

Do you know what? I'm beginning to wonder now...

A lot of people seem to think I'm Male so perhaps I should get myself booked it and have a penis sewn on.

@category12 - not so much of a same sex couple as a no sex couple.

@ladycarlotta - It sounds like you've been through something similar. I'm glad things are getting back on track for you. You made me think actually, my OH (ha!) can get somewhat snappy and withdrawn when stressed so maybe I'm not as sympathetic as I could be.

@Doubleyouexwhyandzed

What planet are you on?!
It's called earth, you should visit it sometime.

Right oh.

The lack of sex isn't the biggest problem here (from an outsiders point of view), it's the fact you can't talk to each other about it.

That would signal to me the end of a relationship more than the intimacy thing. Because who wants to be intimate with somebody who they aren't comfortable enough to have frank discussions with?!

I’m glad you’re a woman then! I wouldn’t like that username to be a man’s.
I hope you can get your partner to at least talk about it. It’s the hardest time when the kids are this age.

I think the dealbreaker here is that your partner won’t discuss it and doesn’t want to work on it. There are many reasons for not wanting to have sex (all valid given that simply not wanting it is a valid enough reason of course) but if your OH wont discuss their reasons with you then that’s the end of it. I think, if I was you, I’d be planning my divorce.

Have you ever asked her why she doesn't want to have sex?

Ours was worse. We conceived baby 1 - great sex life leading up to that. After I gave birth he pretty much repulsed by the idea of having sex with me again. No sex again until we were ttc DS2 4 years later. Honestly. I felt really trapped. I'd moved to an area with him and his family and I didn't have any other support around. I had no where to go.

It was a really messed up relationship for so many reasons and I'm so glad I'm free of it.

How long do you want this to go on for? Can you honestly see it changing?

We need to know so we can decide wether its you or your partner who we call a twat....

I assumed you were a woman op because I get the same turned on but not satisfied ache and fuck it hurts (also for clarity I'm female)