Happy fucking anniversary

[VinegarTitz]

That's it really, it's just about a year since we last had sex and it's really getting me down.

Both in our late 30s, together 8 years, married 4 with a toddler and a baby. OH is currently finishing up parental leave after I returned to work.

Like most relationships, at the start the sex was great and frequent which slowed gradually over time until the wedding day when it hit a brick wall. We went from probably every other day to once a week or two just like that. Oral sex stopped that day too - well, me receiving it did anyway .

Since our first child was conceived we've averaged 3 or 4 times a year with nothing for the last year.

Normally, the closest to intimacy I get is a peck on the lips every few days although I have to cuddle in to OH at night otherwise they get a right old strop on .

Sometimes when we cuddle in bed we have a little kiss but I'm swiftly told that nothing else will happen. I'm so desperate for sex and intimacy though that the slightest thing turns me on and when I get knocked back I get that horrible turned-on-but-nothing-happened ache in my pelvis which keeps me awake.

As a result I feel unwanted and not at all sexy. I've pretty much given up looking after myself in terms of exercise and grooming because I think "What's the point?" and my general outlook is getting more and more grumpy.

Any time that I've brought this up with OH (very infrequently) they just get angry and shut me down.

One thing that is really concerning me is that previously I've not so much as looked at anyone else but lately I've found that I'll occasionally see someone and think "yeah, I would". Seeing but not looking if you see what I mean...

Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with this and break the deadlock? I've suggested we talk to someone and just get told "No!".

I ended a long term relationship over lack of sex. It was really affecting how I saw myself. I tried talking to him many times but he just shut it down and expected me to live with it. It is totally fine if you are tired or touched out, just explain that to your partner so they understand what is going on. Shutting it down without discussion is unfair, especially when it has been a really long time.

The fact is, mismatched sex drives can kill relationships as one sided always feels pressured and the other is frustrated. Like with any issue in a relationship, if communication is shut down, the issue becomes magnified even more.

I am now happily married to someone with the same sex drive as me. If we are shattered and don't have sex for a week, it doesn't bother me at all because we just let the other one know that we need sleep. It is when the talking stops that it becomes a potential deal breaker

I still don't buy that OP is female. Males have a different way of writing and OPs posts sound like that. Plus this couple have a baby and toddler and we're supposed to believe it's the female complaining over lack of sex....coupled in with details of pubic hair removal to sound convincing....

@Qwerty543 - Now I'm a bloke because my writing style doesn't fit in with your preconceptions about how women write? Perhaps I should have put a few more swoons in the OP then.

When I say baby I mean 9 month old by the way so not exactly a babe in arms.

OH is currently finishing up parental leave after I returned to work.

This is what made me think you may be a chap. Usually its the wife returns to work after the father has but each to their own in organising maternity/paternity leave. Whatever it doesn't matter as it should all be the same advice male/female.

Usually on MN a man would be told to get a grip (pardon the pun) if his wife was coping with children and didn't want much sex. Reality is if you're not making each other happy (or even making each other miserable) you can put up with it or talk it through and make a go of it or seperate.

Interesting that you haven’t actually confirmed your sex, so it obviously does matter, otherwise you’d just be clear.
Anyway... regardless of who is male and who is female in this scenario, mismatched sex drives is tough. Especially if (as seems to be the case in this scenario) you can’t actually talk to each other about it. Doesn’t bode well.
Your partner may have a low sex drive due to exhaustion/demands of family life etc. You say your baby is 9 months so ‘not a babe in arms’... my youngest is 13 months and I’m still absolutely bloody exhausted.
Your partner may also have a low sex drive because he/she no longer fancies you, or because he/she is gay, or because he/she has had his/her head turned by someone else... but until you talk about it you’ll never know.

Nothing to do with women apparently swooning. What a load of bollocks.

You make me laugh @qwerty543, isn't that the sort of thing a man would say?

@BigFatLiar - I wanted to get back to work as I really enjoy my career and my (wait for it...) husband wanted to take the last few month of paternity leave to spend time with the baby. We did it with our first and it worked really well.

Parental leave could be either parent though, that was my point

I've never heard a female employee refer to "parental leave". The male employees called it that- female employees called it maternity leave.

OH is currently finishing up parental leave after I returned to work

This is what made me think you may be a chap. Usually its the wife returns to work after the father has but each to their own in organising maternity/paternity leave. Whatever it doesn't matter as it should all be the same advice male/female

Not in my experience. When I've had to deal with fathers taking leave it has always been the mother takes leave first , goes back to work and father then takes leave. It makes sense for early months breastfeeding to do it that way round.

@DidoLamenting - Perhaps I was just expecting people to understand the difference between maternity, paternity and parental leave as it wasn't really the key information in the OP but seeing as a lot of people are fixated on it, making assumptions and getting it arse backwards:

I went on maternity leave a few weeks before my due date. My OH the took paternity leave starting at the point I went in to labour, returning to work a few weeks later. I then carried on on taking maternity leave until the children were 9 months old respectively, at which point my OH took parental leave for the last few months while I returned to work. Hence the phrase "my OH is cureently finishing up parental leave".

I assumed op was a woman and her DH was taking shared parental leave 🤷🏽‍♀️

Have you managed to get through to your DH that he needs to discuss it with you...

What a tiresome thread. OP I'm sure you'd have got more help if you hadn't been so annoying about pronouns. It does matter. Some good advice here anyway. 'They' shouldn't be imposing celibacy on you without discussing it.

I went onmaternity leavea few weeks before my due date. My OH the tookpaternity leavestarting at the point I went in to labour, returning to work a few weeks later

Sorry to be clear-I should have said that the woman would refer to maternity leave for herself and paternal leave for the father. The mother would not call her part of it parental leave. I'm not doubting you are the mother.

Fine by me. We didn't have 'paternal leave' in my time (many years ago now) it seems to be a new nasty EU thing. DH had a couple of weeks off when I had ours was told any more came out of annual leave.

No issue with returning to work, I did (raised a few eyebrows at the time) I was retraining for a career with better prospects before I was pregnant, OH was happy to put his career on hold and be main carer for the babies so I was able to push on. Whatever works for you as a couple don't let others tell you its wrong.

As before you have issues with sex it'll eat away at you and build resentment so...
a) learn to live with it, or
b) try to resolve it, or
c) separate

It doesn’t matter if the op is a man or a woman. Lack of sex in a marriage, particularly when one person won’t even discuss it, is a deal breaker eventually, or it leads to extramarital affairs. The question is how long you tolerate lack of sex/affection before the resentment gets too much.

I understand women often go off sex for a while after giving birth. I’m a woman who has had kids. And men can go through stress or hormone issues. However, withdrawing all affection is a bad move and inevitably one party is going to become frustrated, hurt, feel rejected and resentful. You can argue the toss all you like, about whether that should or shouldn’t happen, but it’s going to. You might not realise it until it’s too late, or you might be lucky enough to have a partner who hides their feelings well, but in most cases someone is not going to be happy.

If you’ve had this issue for a year or two op and your partner, male or female is unwilling to at least discuss the problem, then it’s unlikely that they are going to change much.

Personally, I get upset if DH and I go a week without sex (I’m the one with the high sex drive). I wouldn’t be with someone if they withdrew sex for a year. That’s just me though - what is your breaking point?

You need to talk to him. If nothing changes, you need to then decide if you’re willing to live with it or not. I wouldn’t be.

Yawn with the annoying massive big pronoun reveal.

Op just talk to "him". If he won t change, stay and stay faithful or with allowance to an open relationship, or leave and have sex with whomever.