Is this normal

[fluffyblackcloud]

Okay so want to keep It brief

Me and do, together three years, two babies in that time. He works, I'm at home (not sure if relevant), he doesn't do much with kids/around house unless instructed. Had lots of ups and downs but no cheating or anything like that.

So Valentine's Day. I went out bought the food. Cooked it. Set up the table all nicely with heart sequins (lol), candles, etc. Made conversation, bought a "how well do you know each other" game. After dinner he goes off into the front room leaving me to clear up after doing everything else. I felt upset and just like he shows no consideration. Am I overreacting to be a bit upset at this or is that normal?

Also as not to drip feed I got a (giant) card. No special message just to and from.. I didn't want anything from him but I would have liked more than anything words in the card

Reading that back sounds petty but I just think he never does anything to show consideration and the one day I thought he might, he didn't

It didn’t sounds pretty to me. He’s taking you for granted.

Some blokes are big on thoughtful romantic gestures. I guess you got one of the ones who isn't.

I think as you cooked, he should've washed up, or at least helped/offered.

If he were thoughtful and considerate the rest of the time you wouldn’t even be giving it a second thought. This really isn’t about Valentine’s Day, it’s about all of it.

What if you'd said, "would you be happy to clear this up while I sit down with a cuppa?"

You would've been perfectly entitled to do so, after cooking the meal yourself.

Do you not like speaking up for yourself, or have you tried it in the past and he's reacted badly?

I did bring this up today and he said "it wasn't something I didn't to hurt you. Just didn't think" but I feel the fact he didn't think is just as hurtful. Why did he not think? It means (in my view) he doesn't see me worth making an effort for or thinking about doing things for. Just not nice and quite hurtful

If I'd said to him okay wash up he would have done it yes. But I was trying to make it a lovely evening with no sort of "bossing" from me, so when he went off I just did it in order to keep the peace.

Also I feel If I have to tell him to do it, it's pointless. Because I want him to do things because he knows he should. Or he WANTS to, because he knows it would help me. Not under duress

Ok. I agree with you. His "I didn't think" is a convenient get out - he doesn't bother and you have no right to get upset, in his mind.

At work, the people who have to do the thinking, and the bossing, do less of the actual labour because they need time for being directors. Do you think if you explained it like that: that you can do the thinking for him, but that means he needs to do most of the housework, that might help focus his thinking skills?

I'm suggesting this because it's a relatively new relationship still - the arrival of the babies has probably shaken up the relationship dynamics a bit, so there's maybe a chance of improving things. Of course, if he's happy taking advantage of you, there'll be nothing you can do.

You’re both in the habit of treating him like an invalid/child/king in the house. Your not his mother or some one employed by him. You should be his equal.

It’s actually not uncommon for men and women to behave like this. My grandmother behaved like this with her dh and her three sons. Your putting yourself out for your dp.

You can change this situation by saying fuck this shit and telling him your not his slave or his mother. If you don’t value yourself why should he?

He put zero effort in yesterday then fibbed you off with - I didn’t mean it.

He probably didn’t, just expected you to keep quiet and get on with it.

So don’t anymore.

Also I’ve been with dh ten years, two kids. I’ve give up expecting him to magically appear with hoover or take the bins out. I have no problem what so ever with giving him a list of shit I want him to do on his day off

He was his mummies little prince ...

When i call him out on things he goes into overdrive showing his effort (or so he thinks). Today he has bought and cooked dinner. And even did the washing up (wow.. big woop).again he doesn't understand the fact that I don't really appreciate it because 1- I do that every single day without thanks and 2 - he does it with praise in mind.

I've told him so so so many times what I expect/ want from him. It doesn't seem to sink in. I'm not sure what more to do.

We have three kids, 10 year old (mine) and the 1 year old and newborn. I do literally everything. On weekends he lies in because he works all week. But when he gets up he saunters downstairs and sits on his phone. Typing this I actually question what the hell im doing even entertaining this.

If they think they can get away with it, they’ll try. Wouldn’t you?
Simply tell him he needs to help out and stop acting like it’s the 50s.

He sounds like a normal man, in that he probably believes that women are there to do the shitwork while the men are the ones who get to have lives.

He may not "mean it", its often subconscious. But that doesn't make the effect any less real.

You've a few choices:

• do everything and learn not to moan
• become a nag, do a rota, ask him for help all the time, etc.
• leave

Personally I'd do the last one, but that's informed by my experience of leaving my exh and taking up with dp whose childhood household was completely egalitarian and who is very confused when I thank him for cleaning the kitchen every evening without me asking him to...

See I don't think I would. I love him and I want to look after him so I keep doing everything. Because I want him to realise actuallly I'm amazing and he is lucky (I'm
Not saying I'm some sort of prize, more he is really lucky to have someone who loves him
And really cares for him)

You said it all when you did the washing up to keep the peace.
Your take for granted,this relationship is all on his terms.

Is there any point in trying to explain what I need from him anymore or am I flogging a dead horse? I don't want someone who complies when given a list, more someone who does things because they are an adult male and knows how to be one. I think I know the answer but I'm also terrified by the fact I have three kids by two dads and I think I'd never meet anyone who would accept me.

Also whenever I pull him up on this he cries so I always feel I'm in the wrong and being too demanding

Fluffy leave him then. Go it alone.

But the thought of him with someone else really distresses me. Him leading a simple happy life while I struggle alone with the children. It just seems to unfair and I feel so desperate

I've sat here sobbing tonight to him and he's just gone on the pc to game, his no 1 hobby. I feel so pointless and irrelevant

I said recently I wanted to get my hair done and he said he would get someone to come and do it, I was so happy and thought wow he actually cares. He got some amateur woman from his work (office, not hairdressing) to do it, paid a budget amount and she literally ruined my hair. He refuses to see any issue (or he won't admit it). So I now feel even worse than normal

If I dare mention it he sulks and says I'm ungrateful.

What I asked for and what I got.. please ignore my weird pose I was literally sobbing at that point as I felt so bloody vile