Is this normal

[fluffyblackcloud]

Okay so want to keep It brief

Me and do, together three years, two babies in that time. He works, I'm at home (not sure if relevant), he doesn't do much with kids/around house unless instructed. Had lots of ups and downs but no cheating or anything like that.

So Valentine's Day. I went out bought the food. Cooked it. Set up the table all nicely with heart sequins (lol), candles, etc. Made conversation, bought a "how well do you know each other" game. After dinner he goes off into the front room leaving me to clear up after doing everything else. I felt upset and just like he shows no consideration. Am I overreacting to be a bit upset at this or is that normal?

Also as not to drip feed I got a (giant) card. No special message just to and from.. I didn't want anything from him but I would have liked more than anything words in the card

@Scootingthebreeze I'm going to use your post as a basis for what to say to him in terms of what I need. You've basically summed up exactly the things I want to communicate to him- i think once I've said it all one one big discussion I can the assess what to do. Thank you XX

Omg my typing it absolutely awful sorry. So many errors

Not making light of emotions by the way...just acknowledging that men tend to see decisions made when emotional as not as serious as emotions change whereas hard facts and logic don't...you have to try and think/present as a man would if possible

Glad to have helped as I truly mean it when I say if you don't start changing it now then it will get worse and you will stop recognising yourself. Also your bitterness and resentment will grow and affect your children.

You're exactly right. I just find that so sad as I wish I could find someone I could just be me with rather than have to tailor my thoughts to a man.

@scootingthebreeze I actually had my first session with a counsellor today because of all of this (not only this) but you have said more helpful things than her..

I've told him when I'm having time to myself and have written it on the calendar then followed through by reminding the night before too.

I've also begun pointing out issues as I find them (not every thing but again the stuff that really bugs me) and had to remind him of not following through on sharing the layins last weekend...hence me getting one this weekend! Some things will take time as so established but I just want to see enough change to show he's properly trying at this stage

Hmm, bear with the counsellor as I guess they'd be reluctant to delve too deep into suggesting change before they've got a grip on where you want to get to or what you need.

Just think carefully about what you want and what will actually happen if you don't get it as if you threaten to end your relationship and then don't it will completely undermine any requests you make (empty threat).

I am a very dominant, independent character yet I have still ended up in this down trodden role within my marriage so please don't feel your relationship difficulties are a reflection on you as a person due to the difficulties you shared earlier in this thread

I would suggest reading Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

The crying when you bring up issues which leaves you feeling bad sounds like emotional manipulation.

He won't be giving up his easy life without a fight. Be prepated for the manipulation. Rest the book. Let the scales fall from your eyes. It'll make you feel more powerful.

He's not as extreme as the examples in the book. Nevertheless, you should see glimpses of him if your posts are anything to go by.

Time to get your voice back! 😁

I've told him tomorrow he is getting up with the babies "okay." Then said "why don't see swap bed sides tonight so I can get a proper rest?" (We have a co sleeper crib on my side). "Nah I've got my charger on my side", as if that's a great reason. Yes I'm sure you're expecting an important call in the middle off he night. Oh I actually feel hatred and rage right now. He's a user

@justtryingtobehelpful I've seen this recommended repeatedly on here,thanks for reminding me; gonna get it right now x

Say bonus I can charge my phone next to me! You charge yours in the kitchen. Thanks dear.

Good luck, OP.

I hope you got a bit of a lay in. If you didn't then bear with him and give him a chance to hear how you're feeling, sink in and then try and change things

Have you got plans to go back to work? I would start thinking longer term.

He doesn't make any real effort for you.
You could take the approach of telling him how to change or you could realise you'll be happier on your own than with a man who constantly disappoints you

You do realise that there are more options in life than being with a crap man or being with an even crapper man? Not living with a man at all is also an option. Fantastic, would recommend.

Did you tell him the charger being on that side was a stupid selfish reason? If not, why not?

You need to be assertive, but I can see that it's very wearing and depressing to have to stand up for yourself for any bit of consideration.

I think personally (and I'll be flamed for this no doubt) that having 2dc with someone you've been with for 3 years is in itself not normal. You've missed the first part of the relationship and gone straight into practicalities and responsibility of dc. I don't understand why people don't properly get to know each other first.

In terms of valentines he bought you a card. He was a twat to leave you to do all the washing up 🤷🏻‍♀️.

If I'd said to him okay wash up he would have done it yes. But I was trying to make it a lovely evening with no sort of "bossing" from me, so when he went off I just did it in order to keep the peace

Don’t think of it as bossing. Just think of it as two equal partners sharing labour. Men really ‘have’ us with this whole ‘bossing’ thing. Seems to be a great way to get out of things!

You've had TWO children with a man who you've only been with for THREE years.
The time for being in the midst of romance and gestures was BEFORE you had children.

Three years in, you're only just getting to know each other properly. You're just getting past the initial lust stage and really falling deeply in proper love because you're learning all about each other.
You learn what annoys you about each other. You learn how you both operate during arguments. You learn what you love the most about each other.

You two have just skipped all of that and made babies.
You've skipped the fun, exciting bit and just gone straight in to being knackered all the time and craving some alone time.

Yes, it was a dick move regarding leaving you to clear up.
But this is why you get to know somebody before making babies.

I'm surprised no one has recommended the Freedom Program yet. Check it out.