Is this normal

[fluffyblackcloud]

Okay so want to keep It brief

Me and do, together three years, two babies in that time. He works, I'm at home (not sure if relevant), he doesn't do much with kids/around house unless instructed. Had lots of ups and downs but no cheating or anything like that.

So Valentine's Day. I went out bought the food. Cooked it. Set up the table all nicely with heart sequins (lol), candles, etc. Made conversation, bought a "how well do you know each other" game. After dinner he goes off into the front room leaving me to clear up after doing everything else. I felt upset and just like he shows no consideration. Am I overreacting to be a bit upset at this or is that normal?

Also as not to drip feed I got a (giant) card. No special message just to and from.. I didn't want anything from him but I would have liked more than anything words in the card

Yet he refuses to admit she did anything wrong... it's completely bloody different

Fluffy No one is perfect. Not even you. My DH is spectacularly shit at buying me gifts so I tell him what I want, he’s shit at cleaning up so I give him a list but he rubs my feet and makes me a cup of tea in the evening, he would give me his last penny and always tries to make me laugh if im sad, if I’m working with him at our office he always brings me lunch - it’s swings and roundabouts.

I do not want to ever split with my dh.

You only don’t want to because you don’t want him to be with anyone else

That’s no reason to stay with some one.

I can over look dh failings because he over looks mine. I’m bad tempered, impatient and moody.

Staying with some one just because you don’t want him to be happy with some one else is going to make you resentful and bitter.

I missed your updates.

There is not a chance in hell I’d let dh sort some random woman out to come and do my hair! Why didn’t you say no?

@bagofoldbones I know what you're saying for right. I think I have issues with being abandoned due to things my parents did when I was a teenager so it makes me desperately cling and the thought of feeling abandoned again is so terrifying I just put up with anything to avoid that feeling. But I feel so sad also..

@bagofoldbones because he thought he was doing a nice thing and I stupidly thought it might go well

Oh boy I've been where you are. Reading your post was like deja vu. Only our situation had been going on many years longer (with me working and doing the lions share at home and with childcare). It's led to my recent realisation that DH has lost pretty much all respect for me as a person, he sees me as the maid and nanny instead of the woman he once held a lot of respect for as a partner. I have lost lots of friends because my life has suffered to slot around his crispness with me carrying the load and our sex life became non existent as I have been full of resentment of him. His lack of respect and lack of sex or attention from me (because why should I give him affection and attention when I feel worn out and pissed off and don't get any myself?) led to his enjoying the praise and attention at work and beginning to form emotional affairs.

I had a wake up call and realised how low I felt and why and lots of puzzle pieces then fell into place and DH shared his perspective. I have been fortunate that he has recognised he has behaved terribly for a long time and is making noticeable attempts to change it, however it remains to be seen if it can be enough. I have felt more positive towards him recently than I have for a LONG time as a result. He is extremely aware that I am prepared to walk away from our marriage if things don't change enough and this has been critical in it all, as for years I've been a pushover and now I'm showing the person he was attracted to initially and he is becoming more respectful again.

I've shared this as I wish I'd realised where the future would go back when things were starting to go wrong and been able to put my foot down sooner. Please don't let life continue like it is as believe me it will likely get worse over time and could destroy your relationship permanently.

@fluffyblackcloud I'm really sorry, he sounds inconsiderate and a bit hopeless. I'm not sure he means to be nasty, but I went out with someone like this - down to the detail about cooking a special meal and them not even bothering wash up - and also the shit cards. He might change, if you slowly trained him out if it and if he wanted to. But I was kind of broken 11 months in from trying to get my needs met and I turned into a very insecure and unhappy person. You've got the extra strain of kids so I cant imagine what thats like.

You sound like a really lovely person and you deserve love. If hes not the one for you you will find someone else. Nice people wont judge you. But do maybe be careful in the future about mentally committing to people too quickly. Sounded like things moved fast with this guy given you had 2 kids in three years and maybe you didnt get to know him well enough.

You have my sympathy xxx

This is it now after I dyed it but he is angry that I did

If you genuinely want to be free then he is not abandoning you. Your taking control of your own life back.

I did it with dd1 it was bloody hard but worth it. My ex was a bloody idiot.

Oops Crispness = crapness

@Scootingthebreeze when you had your wake up call what did you do differently in a practical sense?? I feel I've tried everything I can think of

OP, on the hair thing- he sounds like a clueless shit but like he was actually trying to be nice in his own stupid way. As another poster said it might be good to be very clear in what exactly you want on the presents front etc and maybe try and treat this as a funny quirk which is coming from a nice place. BUT only if he has enough good features to offset it. Ask yourself- does he make your life better on the whole?

OP, I think you need to learn to assert yourself more. I look forward to getting pampered at a hair salon. I go to a trendy one and enjoy the whole experience. There is no way any man would suggest to me that he's sending someone to do my hair at home. I'm not housebound or 85 years old.
You can be assertive without being bossy or controlling. You can learn this stuff through books, podcasts, therapy.
I don't think you want to leave him and that's fine. You need to go out on your own more and leave him with the kids sometimes. Go to a gym or see friends. Don't let your world become small and all about him.

@StartingAgain33 yes you're absolutely right. But I feel I don't have any sort of boundaries in place and if he was gone I'd end up in horrific situations with even worse people. So I cling desperately to him even thought he is awful because I know I am very up and down and I would end up with someone even worse, I literally have the lowest view of myself, think I'm hideous so settle for awful men

If I go out and leave him with the kids he calls or texts me every half an hour with some sort of issue

I just wish once in a while he would get up on a weekend and take the boys (I have three boys) to softplay or the park but he has literally never done it. I feel so so drained. Yet yday for Valentine's Day I made a huge effort with everything, done the meal, sorted the horrific hair, fake tanned, ensured boys where in bed, bought a nice thing to wear to seduce him(pathetic) and I got absolutely 0 back.

*were in bed - just felt the need to correct that as I'm not like a netmums crossover

Omg wear

I told him I was angry with him for treating me so badly and it was fine if he didn't want to change as I respect he makes his own choices but that I need him to be clear that I would no longer tolerate being treated that way. If it continued then he did so in the knowledge I would end our relationship.

I told him I expect him to choose one day at the weekend where he lies in and I will lie in the other day. His time and sleep is no more important than mine.

I said I would be arranging to see friends more and he will be caring for our children when I did (he always said he would but grumbled and had hostility when the time came so I stopped arranging things)

I told him I expected thank yous when I've cooked a meal and for him to clear up. I expect him to help with the children's bedtimes or to alternative if he doesn't want to do it every night

I told him I expect him to start trying to notice I exist as a person (he stopped noticing if I had new clothes on and so on).

I told him to sort his leave from work properly to cover roughly half the dates of his choice from the school hol dates then I would cover the others as he'd got in the habit of leaving it all to me and barely covering any himself.

I also told him we were setting a deadline by which time both of us had to agree whether things were on track enough to be salvageable or not and if not either of us could call it a day.

I also made it clear he was to tell me if he found anything unfair or had requests of me as it's no good me preaching about wanting a better relationship if it goes too much the other way.

At each point I was calm and firm about my stance and he is clear that I mean what I say as a result. If he didn't know I was prepared to end our marriage I'm not sure he'd have been so ready to engage in discussions and try so hard. I had my first lay in this morning for years!!

You're making the same mistakes that I've spent my life making OP. You want him to do the right thing without being told, because he cares. You want him to think like you, he doesn't.

I also did this with my DC, it actually worked with DD

Even your post about him ringing every half hour reflects what I have experienced. A lot is that DH is so lacking in confidence with our children and some is because he's simply just got used to me doing and knowing everything for him.

Next time delay answering a call from him and see if he manages to solve whatever it was without you then praise him on it as it will build his confidence and feel good factor to cope alone.

@Scootingthebreeze thanks so much for the reply as that has really helped me. I've told him before but I think I've done it in dribs and drabs and it hasn't really sunk in. Did you say all of those points in one conversation? From your post I think you did and it makes me think I need to sit down and spell it all out for him rather than give random tidbits of advice here and there

Definitely need to have a formal talk in one go. Have your points written down and say they are examples of main issues but not the only things - you just hope that in time if the big stuff is fixed then the little stuff follows.

Ours was over several talks and I sent very clear points on WhatsApp (split out to make them clear as I have above instead of one big paragraph).

You could have a talk then reiterate in written form?

@nacher thank you, I think men do see things differently. It upsets me because deep down I want that all consuming can't live without Eachother type of love, so I do anything to get that, but maybe that doesn't exist. I'm going to have to spell it out properly and if he doesn't listen I myself need to listen and accept that and then decide whether i am willing to carry on or not. I'm only 31 and don't feel I can live the rest of life feeling like I'm battling for love/consideration

I have also been very careful to be accepting of him as he is. I have told him I understand he might be as he is and can't change and that's fine, or maybe he doesn't want to change and that's fine too it just means we're incompatible.
Because I have been reasonable and firm at the same time he's aware I mean business as I'm not presenting as being led by emotions and therefore likely to change my mind in a whim