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Original poster

Has anybody had a commitment ceremony and how was it?

88 replies

Terrierqueen · 15/02/2020 17:57

I'm toying with the idea of a commitment ceremony. I like the idea of having a big party/reunion but because of inheritance/property reasons I have some hesitation towards marriage. I know prenups can be overturned /ignored So I'm a bit iffy about them.

Is the ceremony very similar to a wedding? Did you wear a wedding dress? How did family/friends take it? TIA

OP posts:
EuroMillionsWinner · 15/02/2020 23:37

Any wealth post marriage is for both of us regardless of who brings it in.

Except you're not married Hmm. And you are avoiding marriage in the event of hypothetical wealth - an inheritance you may not get Hmm. It doesn't sound like you trust him much at all, can't see why you want a 'commitment' party to celebrate a commitment you don't really have. I'd find that a farce.

1smallhamsterfoot · 15/02/2020 23:38

Honesty either get married or don’t bother.

Original poster
Terrierqueen · 15/02/2020 23:39

BTW my DP is on board with the idea, we've looked at marrying abroad (where there's separation of assets) but as our residence is in the UK it defaults to British regulations.

Another option bis having it as a trust for the children but I don't think we can benefit from it as it's locked up for the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Terrierqueen · 15/02/2020 23:41

Euro it's not hypothetical wealth. The properties are already mine. I receive rent from a couple of them too. Money we both make use of.

OP posts:
hunterlot · 15/02/2020 23:49

I agree with a pp in that you want a commitment party but aren't very committed so it may raise eyebrows. DH and I will likely inherit far more than the amount you're talking about but we are committed to one another so it's a gamble we're both willing to take. It's fine to want a big party but just call it something else.

Tombakersscarf · 15/02/2020 23:53

What I meant about the lottery was he could win big and actually have more assets than you - and you would not be entitled to them as you are not married. Ok I get that is not likely, but no one knows what will happen - the value of houses can decrease for example.
Why not put a whack of it in trust for the children and take a leap of faith that you are in it for the long haul - accepting that if you are wrong you will lose out on money, but have your dc provided for and still be comfortably off yourself.
(You don't have to do any of this - just live together if you want, but know that it came down to ££)

EuroMillionsWinner · 15/02/2020 23:56

But you still don't trust him, Terrier, yet you want to play dress up Bride and for people to celebrate, well, nothing.

Double3xposure · 15/02/2020 23:58

Stop messing around thinking about flowers and invitations and get legal advice. I can’t believe you didn’t think to do this before you moved in with this guy and had a baby with him.

Original poster
Terrierqueen · 15/02/2020 23:59

It's also honouring my parents. They always said this money is yours and your children's no one else's. They saw how I got screwed over before and that really distressed them (especially my mother). Even if it was £30k it would be a similar matter. I owe it to them

OP posts:
EuroMillionsWinner · 16/02/2020 00:01

Then I guess you just stay how you are without the kooky wannabe wedding party. Hmm

ZenNudist · 16/02/2020 00:02

Please don't do this.

Original poster
Terrierqueen · 16/02/2020 00:18

I've only consulted a couple of solicitors and both told me there was no clear way to ring fence it. As we both benefit from the inheritance it becomes a marital asset.

OP posts:
Double3xposure · 16/02/2020 00:57

Well don’t get married then. Simple.

But having a fake wedding with no legal commitment so you can play dress up and get presents is just stupid IMO.

What would your friends and Family be celebrating exactly? You already cohabit and have a child together. Just throw a big birthday party, if that’s what you want.

GooseberryJam · 16/02/2020 01:05

this money is yours and your children's no one else's

As I said earlier, you can't count on that because of possible care costs. Plus taxes. And if you're due to inherit so much that care costs wouldn't potentially burn through it all, e.g. several hundreds of thousands at least, then I think you're being wrong headed about this. You'll have plenty of money whatever happens then - live your life as you want and get married without all the materialistic 'what ifs'

midwestspring · 16/02/2020 01:14

You aren't committed so it makes no sense to have a engagement party or commitment ceremony.

I do think once we pass the 20 year mark we would get married just for inheritance reasons (so it could be seen as a VERY long engagement).

Honestly if my supposed DP said this I would tell them to jog on.
I understand you are protecting your money but the last thing it shows is commitment, it shows fear and a lack of belief in your relationship.

curiousierandcouriser · 16/02/2020 03:33

@Terrierqueen you said that your DP is on board with the division of assets and would sign a prenup giving up a claim on the inheritance. I'm pretty sure that prenups are only overturned if one spouse objects to them. So what you are saying is that you don't trust him not to change his mind (sorry for the double negative) and challenge the prenup if you divorce.

I'm not saying you are wrong to want to protect your assets or that you shouldn't be wary after your first divorce. If you can't bring yourself to trust him, then you can't. Simple. However, marriage is about tying two lives together and, yes it is a gamble. I believe that's the reason people celebrate it - two people loving each other so much that they will take the chance of potentially getting hurt to be with each other.

For what its worth, my DW and I having a similar discussion - we were marriage in the court so no guests or wedding. We both wanted a fancy wedding party, but now feel awkward as we are already married. Could you two do a blessing of the union maybe? TBH, though I think you should either marry or stay as you are.

mindutopia · 16/02/2020 07:12

I know someone who has had three to the same person, each one more elaborate because she gets sad that the previous one wasn’t ‘wedding like’ enough. Hmm

Original poster
Terrierqueen · 16/02/2020 08:21

It's not that I don't trust him
I don't trust the legal system. As far as I know when you fill in the form E youu put everything and if the judge decided the proposed dovisy is unfair, then he'll overturn prenups, regardless if both parties are ok with it.

For what it's worth, if we were to separate he'd keep the house as long as needed and I wouldn't ask for CM. I know I love him enuough to never want him to end up.on a bedsit. I'd also like our son to always have a home with him.

OP posts:
ArriettyJones · 16/02/2020 08:30

I do think once we pass the 20 year mark we would get married just for inheritance reasons (so it could be seen as a VERY long engagement).

Have you considered what will happen if you don’t live that long?

Have you got a will? Had very good legal advice? (Some bereaved partners end up having to sue their own children to keep them all housed.)

If not, start there and think about excuses for parties afterwards.

ArriettyJones · 16/02/2020 08:35

Also, what PP said about a pagan handfasting. Unless that is too bohemian for you and you want something more glittery.

allthedamnvampires · 16/02/2020 08:51

Some great advice here @Terrierqueen. Sorry but you make no sense when you say you trust him but not the legal system. You're not thinking about this in the right way.

It seems to me that there's a lot of pressure to do right by your parents but, respectfully, what they think doesn't matter. You're an adult and they'll be dead and inheritance is a lottery. Yes you want to be careful but you've been told by solicitors there's no bulletproof way to ringfence the money. That shouldn't deprive you of the pleasure and editors of marriage. Are your parents putting pressure on you? Also is your partner putting pressure on you? Do you honestly trust and love her?

Step back and assess the situation clearly before making any more decisions.

allthedamnvampires · 16/02/2020 09:03

Editors - comfort
Her - him

Hmm
Original poster
Terrierqueen · 16/02/2020 09:04

Yes, I've got a will. Our family home goes to him, one rental property goes to my son and one to my daughter. All money is to be dividef between the three of them. The idea is that all three would be protected if the worst were to happen.

OP posts:
ArriettyJones · 16/02/2020 09:25

Well then have a handfasting ceremony, which at least has a long history, and therefore seems more meaningful than a madey-uppy “commitment ceremony” or an engagement party with no real intention to marry in the foreseeable future.

lilyheather1 · 16/02/2020 09:33

If you want to have a party and get dressed up, do. But you don't need a big white dress and you don't need to make up some name for it to have a party! Just book a nice venue, choose your menus, go for your tastings, get your hair done, and have a bloody good time with your other half because you want to. I'd much rather come to that party than a non wedding, wedding.

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