How often do you see your parents?

[ProfMcGonigle]

I’ve NC’d recently (I do every year or so).

Under an old user name, a year and a half ago, I received some wonderful MN advice and counsel about my relationship with DM.

Things were, at that point, in crisis and, while we are no longer in that crisis situation, things haven’t really improved.

We all have very different relationships with our parents and very different circumstances, but I’d like to ask:

How often do you see your parents?
Is your relationship a positive one?

I see DM every week. Every now and again I’m brave enough to cancel that week’s visit, sometimes she cancels. In general though, it’s weekly.

To be honest, I dread it! I plaster a smile on and get through it with great relief, then spend the next 6 days filled with dread again.

I know I can make a decision to reduce contact (and I might) but I’d love to know the average.

My parents died young (my mum when I was a young child) but I see my brother about twice a year - we live 3 hrs apart) and speak on the phone every six weeks - we have a very positive relationship. I would like to see him more - and family friends who are like family to me. Must start doing that rather than just saying it...

DH sees his parents every 4-6 weeks despite living within walking distance, usually due to him helping them with something or a birthday - entirely driven by obligation. I used to facilitate a lot more contact but I dropped that rope a long time ago. He describes his dad as pompous and bigoted and his mum as completely self absorbed and highly manipulative so pretty negative!

I'm parent to adult children, my two come home for food on Wednesday evening as their younger siblings are at home and so it's chance for them all to get together and then one of them pops in Saturday and the other Sunday. I'd say we are pretty close and enjoy each others' company. The younger two have autism and I think they feel more of a responsibility to them to visit regularly rather than the need to come home to see me if I'm honest.

I haven’t seen mine for just under a year, and have no plans to do so. We don’t have a relationship now.
It’s awful, but better than living with the dread you describe. I’ve dropped the fear and obligation, I’m trying to reduce the guilt.

I’m guessing you’ve visited the Stately Homes thread? It’s always there if you need it.

I see mine at least once a week. Not a planned thing but I'll pop over with DD at the weekend if we're at a loose end. They also pick DD up once in the week from preschool so I see them when I collect her. Mum might also just pop by on the way home from work some days if I'm at home. It's not a scheduled thing. We're close and I love catching up wit parents - mum and I chat in the same uncensored way I'd speak to my closest friends.

15 years NC with DM due to her abuse.
DF walked out when I was 10, no idea where he is.

Mother weekly and similar MIL until her death. DF and DFIL long dead.

OP, as we speak I am sitting in an airport after my twice-yearly 8-day visit to DF (93) and, as usual, feeling absolutely fucked and wondering how many more times I have to do it.

If the past decade has taught me anything it's to 'play to your weaknesses': see less of them if that's what you need; mix it up by inviting one of their friends etc.

I.e. Whatever is going to help you be the person you need to be for them, rather than trying to do what they want, feeling like your head's going to explode and then guilting yourself for not being sufficiently lovely to them.

I never see my parents and haven't for almost 6 years, I don't ever want to see them again if I can help it.

My relationship with them was NEVER positive, always negative and, I now realise, very abusive. Deciding to have no more contact with my mother is the best thing I ever did for myself and my family (DH & DD's).

I don't really see my parents that much- maybe once every few months. They're just over an hour away by car, so not a huge distance, but we're not particularly close and they wouldn't see me at all unless I went to visit them. We have a family WhatsApp group and text several times a week, so I suppose that's the main way we all communicate.

My sister and brother both have children, so my parents visit them quite often. My mum has been quite open that she prefer my siblings to me, but Dad is a bit more subtle about it.

They're nice enough people, but I wouldn't go to them for support or advice, because they wouldn't give it.

Every day or at least every other day. I speak to my mum every day without fail. We live 5 minutes away from each other and she is my best friend.

OP are you me?!

I see DM every week. Every now and again I’m brave enough to cancel that week’s visit, sometimes she cancels. In general though, it’s weekly.
To be honest, I dread it! I plaster a smile on and get through it with great relief, then spend the next 6 days filled with dread again

Exactly this she expects a full day’s visit each week. When she is away it’s fine when we are I’ll or otherwise unable to see her I get guilted etc

We have an uneasy relationship which she would like to control. She doesn’t like me but wants claim over my children & to be seen as important to us.

It’s exhausting & draining. I have been making moves to switch to fortnightly but the drama was unbearable- averaging 3 times a week atm & relieved every time I have a good excuse

Yes yes to the having a good excuse to get out of visiting. We normally go and see my parents at Easter, but I've already told them we can't go because DS needs to revise for GCSEs. I've had that excuse in the planning since last Easter :)

Those others who are duty visitors - dDo your parents enjoy/appreciate/welcome you visiting? My parents are constantly asking when we are next coming to see them, but I'm not actually convinced that they are that bothered when we do come, they are just bothered that we don't iyswim.

See DM twice a week at least. She lives 5 mins up the road. DF maybe quarterly?

Gibbons re your point - We have an uneasy relationship which she would like to control. She doesn’t like me but wants claim over my children & to be seen as important to us.

THIS! This exactly!

About once a month. Average relationship. I dont call inbetween but maybe text a couple of times. It's been less it's been more but I've settled on this as a good amount of time for us x

I see and speak to mine every day. We have a very good relationship.
But not everyone’s is the same.
We are actually in the process of seeing if we can find somewhere big enough for us to all live together.

I have an abusive, narcissistic mother. She was lovely to me until I got to about 8, when I started having my own thoughts and opinions. My mother is not satisfied if she can't find something to criticise me about, and she WILL find something even if I do everything exactly as she says, so there's no point in tying myself in knots trying to please her. My father is nice but very weak.

They live pretty close but I see them at most once every 4 months. Visits are strained and unpleasant and I am a nervous wretch before they come, and it's a total relief when they leave. No phone calls but I text my dad a few times a week. I'm pretty sure sometimes it's my mother that responds.

My FIL lives abroad and I FaceTime him at least twice a week and text him nearly every day. We take him on holiday with us at least once a year. I love him. He and my MIL were the parents I always wanted but my lovely MIL has passed away.

Every single day. Couple of times a day I love my mum and dad to pieces. I also see my grandparents every week and most other family members weekly. Love my family.

As little as possible - just an old biological mother left now but haven’t seen her for over five years and have no plans to. Both biological parents were abusive and neglectful, my childhood was hell.

My adult kids and their spouses on the other hand I speak to daily (including one working overseas).

I am grateful to my biological parents for teaching me how not to do parenting.

I went no contact with mine about 3 years before they died, and I wish I’d done it sooner. DH and I had previously suffered one visit per year from them and “suffered” was definitely the operative word. DM was a narcissist and DF was violent, plus an enabler of DM.

3 or 4 times a year (we live a short flight /or long drive/ferry away), all trips instigated by me. If they come to us they will stay max 3 nights and go out (without me or grandchildren for at least 1 full day). They don’t like being around anyone for too long. I ring them once a week. I get their grandchildren to post them letters and cards occasionally, they sometimes reply/acknowledge. They only ring me if someone has died.
They would drop everything for me if I asked or if I needed. They have really put themselves out for me in the past. I love them. I’m also very grateful for their hard work and care in my childhood. I think they don’t really like me/want to be with me much but I’m kind of ok with that now, it upsets me occasionally.

Never.

One is dead and I'm NC with the other (coming up 10 years now and will never change).

It's amazing how much better my life is and how much happier I am now.

DM and I have a tricky relationship. Visits take place 3 or 4 times a year, for no more than 48 hours at a time. Weekly phone calls, and the occasional day meet-up in a neutral location halfway. I wish we were closer, but from (bitter) experience this is the optimum level of contact. Any more and she's off with the sulks/tantrums/tears/guilt trips. I envy people who are close to their DPs.

I try to see them every other year at least. Normally we manage once a year.

Dh’s parents live locally. Probably an average of every 6 weeks we see them.

I see my mum twice a week most weeks or 3 times a week. I find short bursts best. I am about to up it to help her with a bit of housework and unpack her shopping but normally it's because she comes to me for lunch or we go out for a snack.