How often do you see your parents?

[ProfMcGonigle]

I’ve NC’d recently (I do every year or so).

Under an old user name, a year and a half ago, I received some wonderful MN advice and counsel about my relationship with DM.

Things were, at that point, in crisis and, while we are no longer in that crisis situation, things haven’t really improved.

We all have very different relationships with our parents and very different circumstances, but I’d like to ask:

How often do you see your parents?
Is your relationship a positive one?

I see DM every week. Every now and again I’m brave enough to cancel that week’s visit, sometimes she cancels. In general though, it’s weekly.

To be honest, I dread it! I plaster a smile on and get through it with great relief, then spend the next 6 days filled with dread again.

I know I can make a decision to reduce contact (and I might) but I’d love to know the average.

Speak to parents every day, see them at least once a week.
Speak to ILs sporadically.

Depending on where we live! When ds1 was little we saw my parents every 6-8 weeks for about 5 days. MIL roughly around the same , sometimes longer. I would speak to my parents 1-2 times a week, MIL once a week.
We then moved about an hour away from my parents and would see my parents weekly for a couple of hours. My mil every 6-8 weeks for a few days.
We now live overseas. We Skype my mil once a week and saw her for 6 days in the last 10 and a half years.
I will send her emails ( mainly photos of the boys!!) as and when but she never replies to my emails.
My parents have been over 7 times . They stay for around 4 weeks . They drive us insane and make the thought of going back to the uk an unpleasant, expensive thought , hence why we have only been back once. I Skype them once a week and send emails. She will email me back.
However I really like my mil and the boys love her to bits . They hide when I Skype my parents

Only about once a year. I wish I had a closer relationship with them, but I find them very difficult. I live in a different country so low contact is easy, but as they are elderly I have a lot of mixed feelings including a lot of guilt. I will need to see more of them before too long as they get frailer & feel awful that I don't really want to. I am so envious of people who are close to their families, I don't know what that's like. Thankfully I am close to my adult children & see them often.

I love my parents deeply. I see them once or twice a year as we live so far apart and they can't fly. It's heart breaking. Isn't it weird how life makes you see your mum all the time and I miss mine every day?

Mother visited just last week, the last time was December 2018...

I doubt she will be viviting again if I can summon the courage to put her off. For the third time she got drunk and was offensive

Not as often as I'd like, they live abroad

Non contact with my actual mother 18 years. Have a wonderful mum of a friend who kind of took me on as her own when I was a teenager. I consider her as close to a mum as I get, I see her once a month or so, text regularly. She lives over an hour away.
My dad 3 or 4 times a year. I've recently moved nearer to him, circumstantial not intentionally. We get on ok but it's not a great father daughter relationship. I tend to lean on his step sister who lives up the road more.
Blood isn't thicker than water at all and it upsets me thinking about people who feel they have to tolerate toxic people just because they're related.

After I left home, about once a quarter.

She had five children so that meant 20 weekends a year. Leaving her 30 weekends for gardening. It worked for us all

Myume no I don't. I am neither abusive, narcissistic nor controlling. Thanks for your enquiry.

You'd be surprised what kids hate their parents for in adulthood. Sometimes very little.

In Laws about 4 times a year (but they are 6 hours drive away). My parents every couple of months but talk weekly. I would say I have a very positive relationship with my parents, not so much the in-laws!

Not in my case I assure you. If you have nothing constructive to add, I'd prefer you kept your goady comments to yourself. Perhaps you don't realise how unkind and rude you actually being.

You'd be surprised what kids hate their parents for in adulthood. Sometimes very little.

bollocks. Even if it seems like "very little" the presenting thing is usually the last straw

I dont hate my mother but shes a person who makes it difficult for me to be close to her. I tried for years to get it right, but she would respond with multiple betrayals and abandonment. Very hard.

She lives o/s and I see her about once every 18 months. I speak to her about once every 6 months tbh. After years of being let down and made to feel vsad, I simply wait for her to contact me - which isnt very often.

I think she has a sob story about me being distant etc but really there wasn't much choice. My mother needs to be pursued constantly in order for her to feel loved, and as her child, I simply can't keep the effort up with no reward to show for it.

Df passed a few years ago, but had not spoken to me for a good 10 years. I'd pulled him up, very sincerely, for the dreadful things he did when I was a child - he never spoke to me again.

About 3 times a year. We talk on the phone maybe once a month. Honestly, that’s exhausting enough.

Do you ever consider your kids will be writing this about you in a few years

I dislike my mother because she is controlling, self centred and lost interest in me after the age of 10. Oh, and because she throws a temper tantrum pretty much every time I see her.

As I haven't yet adopted any of those behaviours my children will not be writing this about me in adult life. Of course, they may have found other things to dislike about me, but on the basis that I have a much better relationship with them than I did with my own mother when I was the same age, I'm hoping this will not be insurmountable.

I see my parents every 2-3 months. My partner spends every weekend with his parents. Sat morning till Sunday afternoon. They are 92 and 94 though. He's far more devoted than I am although if I suggest doing something different he will do...but usually needs me to initiate it. I spend the weekend with him at his parents...they are lovely but I do need time out occasionally which he does understand.

Talk to my mum most days, see her and Dad 3/4 days a week. If Dad hasn’t seen us for a couple of days he just turns up for a cup of tea. They’d both do anything for their children.

My parents are both deceased but when they lived near me I saw them once mid week and they came for Sunday lunch every week. I was very close to them and miss them deeply.
A friend, who gets on fine with her mother, was having a bit of a moan about her mother who was being a bit more demanding at the time (her health goes up and down, generally due to her being borderline anorexic). I said the one thing I wish I did was spend more time just talking to my parents, and how much I wish I still could.
As I said I was very close to them, we had no major issues, and I know, especially now as a mother, how much they must have sacrificed and struggled with me and my siblings when we were growing up. I truly wish I had recognised this while they were still alive, and taken more time to be with them.

They live an hour away and have many many holidays 😂. Maybe a full weekend day once every few weeks and we go away for a few long weekends as well. They also have dd 2-3 days most school hols. I’ll ring them 3-4 times a week for an hour as well. If they lived closer that would prob be tea a few times a week

Thank you so much to those who answered my questions.

It's quite a mixed bag really. It's lovely to hear of those who are genuinely good friends with their parents. I wish I had that.

I could be best friends with my mother (in fact I was in my younger adulthood) if I do exactly as she says, if I don't have an independent thought that differs to hers and if I don't behave in any way that she wouldn't. It was exhausting and made me miserable, however I was so manipulated and controlled by her it took me a long time to recognise much of it.

I still struggle with potential conflict with her and absolutely dread the "poor me" crying and fighting I'll get if I choose to reduce contact.

Also, I'm not as strong as some of you who have gone nc and not regretted it or felt horrendous guilt.

DM dead but I used to see her about every 2 or 3 weeks as she lived locally, relationship was OK. DF left about 20 years ago and was not in contact but I saw him about 4 years ago when DM died.

My parents moved to Devon (4 hours away) 5 years ago.

See them 3/4 times a year since they moved. Used to see them every week. We now speak on the phone every week.

Miss them dearly though. They are my friends and confidant's, but can still have there moments and be a pain in the butt at times too. :-D

My beloved father died over 10 years ago.

Last saw my controlling, bullying mother 3 years ago. Life is do much better not seeing her.

I used to see my DM and step-D very often as we lived near each other and have a very good relationship. As my DM had an awful childhood with her narc of a M. Sadly my DP's have moved a few hundred miles away now.
With my DF the relationship was a lot harder as he was an alcoholic and I chose to go NC for a few years. Thankfully we got back on speaking terms before I had my DCs. We had a few good years of visiting as he lived about 90 minutes drive away from me. Sadly he passed away over 12 years ago though. I miss him every day.