What do I do?

[whydoidothisallthetime]

So I've been in this terrible relationship for nearly 3 years now!

I'm stuck and can't get out and don't no what to do!

We don't live together or anything but it's like I'm addicted to him or the drama! I really don't know but I'm not happy!

There's no trust, he's cheated on me, lies to me all the times and then goes for lunch with girls and lies to me about it even when I have proof!

But when I try to get out he goes all possessive....like I say I can't do it anymore I can't get over everything and then he promises me it will be fine everything will be fine.

So he doesn't leave me alone so I end up having to block him and then he turns up at my house. Sending me letters as I lock the door. Promising me if I unblock him he won't message me and so I unblock him he messages me and keeps on until I feel bad and end up meeting him again....the circle then repeats itself!

I just feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place....as much as I know we have no future and I can't forgive him....a part of me likes that he fights so hard to be with me so I'm not strong enough to get rid of him for good. I want to be friends I guess but there's too many feelings!

I guess I'm asking if anyone has been in similar and what can I do?

Why do you want to be friends? Would you stay friends with anyone else who did that to you?
If you woke up tomorrow, and you were 75, and had spent your whole life being cheated on and lied to, how would you feel?

Definitely don't move in with him.

I don't want to be with him till I'm 75...I want out but he won't let me go.
Nothing I do works!
And I hate the fact that I still love him just can't be with him.

a part of me likes that he fights so hard to be with me so I'm not strong enough to get rid of him for good

It's all bollox, just words out of his mouth, you know that. He says all those words and then cheats and lies again and again. When he comes out with these insincere lying words to win you round, keep the image in your mind of what he's done and will do. That should help you stay strong- to remember it's all b.s.

I want to be friends I guess but there's too many feelings

He's no friend, he has zero respect for you.

Sending me letters as I lock the door. Promising me if I unblock him he won't message me

You can take charge here- block on everything, if he sends you a letter just burn it or something, if he comes to the house ignore or call the police. It sounds glib, and you might feel a range of different feelings for a while, but the him winning you back problem will be solved then.

He's having a right laugh at your expense. So he can do what he wants and you can't do anything about it? I think you need to wake up a bit here OP. At least you recognise he's no good for you but you must have very low self esteem to be allowing yourself to be treated like this. Perhaps seek some counselling to address this issue.

End it, tell him you want no more contact, block him, and if he turns up at your house don't let him in, and call the police if he makes a scene/won't go away.

OP it's just going to continue like this. He's cheated on you and is continuing to cheat on you. He just doesn't want to let you go.

Use some of that common sense I know you have. The longer you're with this man, the longer you're putting off working on your self esteem and getting yourself to a place where you can have a healthy relationship.

Block him on social media. Block his phone. Call the police if he comes to your place and tear up any letters he posts. Get some advice from the National Stalking Helpline in case he persists as that's not romance, it's a criminal offence.

Get some therapy and work on yourself. Go and travel, focus on your career and get some interesting hobbies. Make yourself into the kind of person that wouldn't look twice at this pond life and move on.
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OP, drama is for watching on TV or reading in a novel. You don't want that level of crap going on in your life. And it's not love you feel for that idiot. One day you'll look back and wonder what the hell was going on there.

I have done this so many times now....blocked him....why doesn't he just think...okay this isn't working I'll leave her alone now.

I'm exhausted from it all

I'm still seeing him but I have realised it's not Cos I want to it's because I'm scared of what he will be doing if I don't

I just want to be happy again

why doesn't he just think...okay this isn't working I'll leave her alone now.

Because you don't stick to it - if he keeps on, you take him back. Again and again and again. No wonder he doesn't take you seriously when you "end" it.

What are you afraid he'll do? Violence? Suicide?

Speak to Women's Aid and to the police if he's likely to harm you. Get yourself a proper exit plan. Consider moving. Get legal advice about non-molestation orders.

Yea but if someone kept doing it to me I would be like sod this he obviously isn't happy!

He has threatened suicide before and got angry but that's not what I'm worried about it's just the exhaustion of trying to stay strong and fight off the urge of missing him and texting him

Well, tbh, you don't seem to know what you want if you split up with him and then miss him and text him and start it up again.

Either he doesn't care that you're not happy in the relationship, and just cares that he is. Or, he thinks you are happy in the relationship, you just want him to chase you.

It's no bloody good putting it on him to "do the right thing" and acting like you have no control or say in this. It's entirely in your hands.

If you want out, get out and stay out.

He's stalking you. That's a job for the police.

If he threatens suicide you call 999 and leave it to them, not your problem.

Tell him once, clearly with no mitigation, no affection "We have broken up. I do not want to see or hear from you. Do not ever contact me again." Keep his follow up communications and show them to the police as evidence of continued harassment.

I would move house and do it in such a way that he couldn't figure out where I'd gone.

It's not stalking if she keeps getting back in contact with him.

Don't unblock him.

If you ignore him he won't be able to say anything.

You're allowing this to happen.

This is an addiction.

You need to be stronger

You don’t have to open the door or answer the phone

You can threaten the police

I'm still seeing him but I have realised it's not Cos I want to it's because I'm scared of what he will be doing if I don't

What does this mean? Does it mean seeing other women? He's already doing that when you're with him.

OP you're acting as though you have no agency over your life. He's the main act and you're a walk on part in this soap opera.

You'll be happy once you gain some self respect and realise that you're better than this and that it's better to be single than with someone who treats you with disdain.

Do you have any support?

Google trauma bonding. I've been where you are - and it was 3 years also. It's like an addiction and it's hard to let go.

It's not stalking if she keeps getting back in contact with him.

From OP:
So he doesn't leave me alone so I end up having to block him and then he turns up at my house. Sending me letters as I lock the door. Promising me if I unblock him he won't message me and so I unblock him he messages me and keeps on until I feel bad and end up meeting him again.

Category, he bombards her with contact until she gives in. That's not her contacting him, that's him stalking her and her eventually acquiescing. Plenty of (post-relationship) stalking victims have feelings for their stalker - along with the fear. In the same way that raped and beaten wives still often love their husbands. Domestic related abuse is highly complex and the complex feelings of the victim doesn't make it any less harassment, any less of a crime.

Nevertheless, the above is pretty clear cut stalking. Giving in is never consent.

PicsinRed - in OP's last post she says trying to stay strong and fight off the urge of missing him and texting him. So she restarts contact at times. If she does that, it's not as clear-cut as him stalking her. She has to take control of her own responses.

Sorry I mean texting him as in texting him back!

If he never messaged me or wrote me letters and guilt tripped me I wouldn't start contact!

I'm going to grow a back bone and send him a message and block him again! Any letters I will give to my friend for evidence but not read them....as the reading them pulls at my heart strings

I can only suggest you take more drastic steps to get out of the 'cycle' of him cheating, you finishing things, and his relentless pursuit until you give in AGAIN.

Don't block him, throw out your bloody sim card and buy a new one with a new number.
Phone the police whenever he comes to your door (or even move house and don't tell him).
Phone police when he turns up at your workplace. (or change jobs but don't tell him).

I know you're still in this cycle right now, but if you make changes to your life which mean you have different routines etc, then he won't be able to find you to hassle you constantly. Maybe then you will find the strength to finish things for good.

Also, please don't think he's constantly messaging you and trying to contact you because he cares about you, HE DOESN'T !
He just wants you to be available to him 24/7 in case he doesn't have anyone better to f* around with ! If he cared, even a little bit, he wouldn't be out dating other girls would he ?

I have googled trauma bonding at it all relates....just doesn't help me stay away even tho I know what's going on!

If I could move house I would. But it's not a possibility.
I own my house on my own and can't afford to move.

I have no family I can stay with or anything.

I have been making steps to change things so he doesn't no what I'm doing but he really is relentless

He says the only way he will leave me a line is if I have met someone else. Do part of me thinks I should just say I have but I don't want him telling everyone the only reason we split up is because I met someone else and I don't want to be classed as a liar like him as that's not the reason we split up. It's because he is a pig!

Ok, sorry for getting it wrong about you restarting contact.

As before, tell him it's over and you want no further contact. Change your phone number, change your email and remove and block him from any social media. If he turns up at your house, don't let him in, throw away anything he writes to you without reading, and call the police.