What do I do?

[whydoidothisallthetime]

So I've been in this terrible relationship for nearly 3 years now!

I'm stuck and can't get out and don't no what to do!

We don't live together or anything but it's like I'm addicted to him or the drama! I really don't know but I'm not happy!

There's no trust, he's cheated on me, lies to me all the times and then goes for lunch with girls and lies to me about it even when I have proof!

But when I try to get out he goes all possessive....like I say I can't do it anymore I can't get over everything and then he promises me it will be fine everything will be fine.

So he doesn't leave me alone so I end up having to block him and then he turns up at my house. Sending me letters as I lock the door. Promising me if I unblock him he won't message me and so I unblock him he messages me and keeps on until I feel bad and end up meeting him again....the circle then repeats itself!

I just feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place....as much as I know we have no future and I can't forgive him....a part of me likes that he fights so hard to be with me so I'm not strong enough to get rid of him for good. I want to be friends I guess but there's too many feelings!

I guess I'm asking if anyone has been in similar and what can I do?

Lots of useful advice for you, OP. But read through your posts again and list all the excuses you're making.

Ultimately it really boils down to YOU growing a back bone and actually doing what you know you need to do. No one can do this but you.

I actually sense it wouldn't be safe to tell him you've met someone else. I don't think you can predict his reaction, no matter what he says.

Your best option at this point is to involve the police.

I guess I just need some support...I know it's me that needs to do it. I just doubt my decision a lot as I feel I'll never find the connection we had with someone else!

Surely all breakups aren't this hard? Like they don't all need to involve the police? Just seems mad to me...surely just accepting the decision is the way forward!

Yea I think your right.
Once I went on a date when we broke up...well more of a drink with a mate....he went mad cane round my house to talk and then ended up getting angry and smashed a glass over his head and we ended up in a&e as he cut a blood vessel 🤦🏻‍♀️

I felt so bad I got back with him

You do need to involve the police because he bullies and guilts you into taking him back.

All break-ups are not this hard - no - of course he should just accept the decision.

But he doesn't, you know he doesn't, and round and round you go.

So you do need to take action, and you do need to involve the police

It's not easy to leave an abusive relationship OP and it takes women several times to get out.

The good thing is, you can see it for what it is. That's the most important part.

You don't seem to have much support if any, which can make things difficult. You need to get yourself some support here. What he is doing is harassing you until you get back in contact. Please don't think it's because he loves you or cares about you. If he did, he wouldn't be treating you like this.

It's a power and control thing. You asking him to leave you alone and him ignoring is because he feels entitled to do what he wants.

You need support so I suggest you contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline. It's a 24 hour number and they can give you advice on safety and your legal options: 0808 2000 247

Other alternatives are the National Stalking Helpline: 0808 802 0300

Or your local domestic abuse organisation which you can find here.

I really suggest you look into the Freedom Programme and other options such as therapy in order to work on your self esteem and provide support whilst you go through this. You can find therapists here.

Thankyou for your help.

I'm reading up on lots of stuff to try and get me the courage to block him again!

I seem to only be able to do it when everything is raw in my head! Mad I know!

I have a gut feeling he met someone Saturday too but can't be bothered to find proof!

My gut has never been wrong with him yet!

Do I explain in the message like I always do? He's blocked on everything but iMessage anyway as I'm blocking him so much these days as I really want out

The only explanation you need to give is that the relationship is over and you don't want him to contact you at all.

You don't need any 'reason' and you certainly don't need his agreement or permission to break up.

Come on, be strong.

I know it's hard, you're doing so well. Why don't you get some rest and then contact a domestic abuse organisation tomorrow and get some support?

Just sit on your hands for the time being. I find simply turning off my phone helps. Just take it day by day.

He doesn't fight to be with you, he fights to keep control. Reasonable explanations wont change anything; the only way to break contact is to break contact.

Keep reading, there are loads of free resources online;

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Fear-Obligation-and-Guilt-FOG-in-High-Conflict-Relationships-36

Advice for women in an abusive relationship;
www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

Red flags of abusive relationships;
newdirectionsshelter.org/red-flags-of-abusive-relationships/

Paladin Stalking Service
paladinservice.co.uk

Assertiveness
emmaashford.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Learning-to-be-assertive-workbook.pdf

If you contact your phone service provider (EE or O2 or whoever it is) they will change your number free of charge if you explain what's happening. Then he can't contact you via phone. Be strong, I was in something similar and reported to police - best thing I've ever done. The police can help and are very good with things like this.

The contact by phone isn't the problem as I have managed to sort that as when I block him he can't leave messages etc.
I can't change my number that easy because it's on all my business cards for work!
It's the contact via letters that I struggle with!

But I'm going to send a message tomoro. Not today as I don't want him popping in as he knows I'm home!

How does this sound?

"Sorry I can't do this anymore, it's over! You know all the reasons why so please don't contact me again"

I think it would sound far, far better if you had a risk assessment first and advice on your safety. Please contact someone for advice OP before sending any messages.

You're doing great though. Well done for not contacting him. You're going to get through this.

I wouldn’t be sorry

"I can't do this any more, it's over. Please don't contact me again"

That leaves out the 'sorry' and 'you know all the reasons why'.

Short and to the point, and there's nothing for him to argue with.

I’d go with ‘we aren’t comparable. It’s over. Please do not attempt to contact me again. I will not be replying to emails texts or letters’

And leave it there

It just seems so harsh!
Like if someone broke up with me like that I'd be gutted and would want to know why

'You are a cheating, lying cunt. I will not be in contact with you again. Do not contact me'.

This should help him understand why.

Seriously, pick that self esteem off that floor and give it some love.

He knows why, you don't need to explain it. He is playing a game with you. You need to walk away from the game instead of playing along.

Have you ever spoken with Women's Aid, OP? Please give them a call, it might help.

I know this is very hard.

Have you got friends and family you can talk to about it? As if you were quitting smoking and need help breaking the addiction?

You might feel you'll never have this connection with someone else. You can have a BETTER connection with someone who is emotionally healthy enough to treat you with respect and kindness. You deserve so much better than what this man can ever give you.

No I havent spoke to women's aid. I don't really like to bother people and it all seems so dramatic.
Like my friends husband is breaking up with her at the moment so I don't feel I can talk to her about it as all seems nothing compared to what she is going through and no one really understands!

I keep taking him back as I have no one else and he knows it.

But first thing tomoro I will send the message! He will be expecting it as I literally do it every week....I just need to not cave this time!

OP it's not 'dramatic' to contact a DV organisation to get support. The reason they exist is to support women getting out of abusive relationships.

His behaviour indicates that he will escalate once he thinks he can't get you back. I know that because he turns up uninvited to your place and harasses you until you contact him again or continue the relationship.

Stalking renders you at high risk of being seriously injured or killed. The majority of women murdered by their intimate partner are first stalked. That's why I'm urging you to get in contact with a DV organisation and have a risk assessment before doing anything.

What if he pours petrol through your letterbox when you're asleep and throws in burning paper? Or starts following you home from work?

Just because there isn't a previous history of violence, doesn't mean he won't do something if he thinks he's lost control. A DV organisation will also be able to offer counselling and help you with your legal options if he starts to threaten you.

If you don't want to 'bother people' with your safety, then send him an email saying: 'Our relationship is over. Please don't contact me or come to my place again. Any further contact from you will be treated as harassment and I will contact the police'.

The reason it's on email is so there's a paper trail. Then block him and don't contact him again. If he turns up at your place then dial 999. By continuing to contact him when he harasses you, you are teaching him that that's what it takes to get you back under the thumb.

A DV organisation would support you through this. There is no such thing as low risk domestic abuse. Two women a week are killed in the UK by a current or former partner. Many more are stalked, maimed, crippled or commit suicide because it can destroy your mental health.

Please take the advice you are being given and look after yourself.

I keep taking him back as I have no one else and he knows it
What can you do about that? You need to work on improving your social network and building up your self-esteem.

There's no reason why you and your friend couldn't support each other - yes, her marriage breaking up is perhaps "bigger" than you breaking up with a boyfriend, but it doesn't mean you can't receive support as well as give it. There could be a camaraderie in becoming single together.

Have you any hobbies or interests you've perhaps put to one side but could start to pursue? Have you old friends you've lost touch with a bit that you could call up? Are there work opportunities or socials you could get involved with? Fill your life with positive things that make you happy, things you're good at, that you enjoy. Get guinea pigs.

Consider therapy to address why you've been stuck in this pattern so long.

This is your one and only shot at life, OP, quit wasting it on some ridiculous bloke and being unhappy.

You have written several threads and received much insightful and informative advice and many links. During your 12 page thread in August, posters supported you during that break-up and aftermath. You actually notified the police. What happened with that?

You have repeated this toxic pattern with this manipulative, abusive cheat at least 10 times. When you break up, you get a thrill from his stalking, incessant voicemails and letters, and always call it “fighting for me.” When he slacks up, you feel hurt. You say that you always reunite because you are terrified he will get another girlfriend.

You desperately need counseling to change your thinking and break the pattern. In your January thread, you indicated that you were going to be assessed for counseling. What happened with that?

I truly hope that you will strengthen your boundaries and use all legal resources available to block this man and this chaos from your world. You can do it. You deserve better and so do your children.

OP I know it’s hard but honestly you’ll be so much better when you’re free. Take the power!

He’s taking the piss. He has zero respect for you - you are worth more. I know someone who has been in a relationship like this for nearly 10 years. He’s treated her the worst I’ve ever seen- cheating (blatantly), violence, lies, ghosting. No sooner is he back, than he’s looking for someone else.. He comes back and she thinks it’s because he loves her and can’t resist her: some dr Zhivago love story: it’s crap. He hates her:She’s the fallback

I know trauma bonding is hard. I’ve been there.,but you do have power to leave.

Yep, I agree with others that you need counseling to help you gain the tools to break this pattern. You've tried to do it many times by yourself, and it hasn't worked. Time to up your game and reach out for help from others.

Again, if you were trying to quit smoking and had tried several times to "just quit" totally on your own, no patches or gum or e-cigs or mindfulness or counselling or a friend nagging you about it or whatever to help you stay on the wagon, and it had failed ... that doesn't make you a bad person. But it means that you need to go ahead and get some help to quit smoking and stick with it rather than doing the same thing over and over again.

It's not "dramatic" to talk to Women's Aid or similar programmes about it. Don't worry that you're wasting their time. They understand that often the biggest barriers to leaving a problematic relationship are our own psychological barriers, and can help point you to resources that can help you deal with that. It's what they're there for.