Is something up???help

[hitlur]

Me and DH are together for 11yrs now. Our relationship is not bestfriend kind of but we do celebrate valentines for the past years atleast eat dinner elsewhere.

This valentines day he suddenly decided to bring the car for maintenance that he had dropped it off at 8am went straight to work then picked it up at 6pm then he came home by 9pm. I was expectin atleast to initiate us having dinner like we normally do. I asked him why not do the maintenance on a weekend he said " I want to do it today", I called him around 8pm and asked where the heck is he and he said that he was at a mall.

I dont know if it is just me tho, I feel like he is telling me he wants nothing from me anymore. I am just surprised at his behaviour today.

When he arrived. He didnt hear a word from me. And he just went straight to sleep. Tomorrow my plan is to go to a friends bday party and stay as long as I want as what he did to me.

Should I feel hurt?am I in the position to be? i hate this part of relationship where you wonder where you are to a person. Its killing me to the point that I just want to end it all up and live life as a single person should be. :(

Typically to have dinner out on a Valentine’s Day - it’d need to be pre-planned. Did you not ask him what the plan was for the evening?
Or at least agree when he will be home for dinner - if you were planing to cook.

If there were no discussions of plans - could he possibly have thought that you aren’t into celebrating this year? It’s hard to judge for outside the relationship without knowing more about it.

If this the only incident of strange behaviour - your reaction of ‘wanting to end it all’ seems disproportionate.
Is there more to the story?

Agree with the pp, this needs context.

I mean if he is the type to do the whole romantic gesture, surprise gifts and dinner at a romantic bistro, then this is significant and meaningful.

If you just give each cards and otherwise don’t bother with the day, then not so much.

Most people are somewhere in between. After years together there will be a conversation about expectations. For Valentine’s Day I don’t expect DP and me to act the way we did when we had just met. We definitely don’t go out but he knows I like a thoughtful card. And, that’s a very specific thing to me that has a very meaningful context. The rest of the day is normal and he can go about his business as he sees fit.

Is the concern here that he was with someone else? At least between 6 and 9pm?

Hi @MMmomDD we dont normally plan but when we both get home from work(on a valentines day)then we would normally go out for dinner plan where to go and all. We have a 10yr old daughter who is always excited for celebrating occasions. (We dined out lastniht btw as I feel my husband will not be on time for dinner,she asked me where is dad I just told her he was busy).

For the past 10years that is how we celebrated our valentines just dine out and for me to not cook dinner.

Last year he didnt buy me a christmas gift which we'd normally do to eachother, I bought him a coffee machine because he was always ranting at being sick of the taste of instant coffe. I got nothing.

There is something wrong with our relationship and I can feel it I just couldnt figure it out.

I feel that there are a lot of things that I find quite strange in us. You see we are still renting our house, 3 weeks ago he opened up about renting 2 houses 1 in the center(we both work in the center) and 1 near my daughter's school so we will be more flexible? I dont understand the flexibility in that.

I am taking all this as "I dont want you anymore I just could not find a decent way of telling you."

Btw, he is the I know it all type of person, kind of manipulative that can turn all my reasoning to nothing. During our first year he was still in touch with his ex girlfriend who wants him back (who btw, cheated on hin with his bestfriend), when I found out about it and got jealous he told me that I am crazy, I mean, dont I have the rights to be jealous? Dont I have the right to be mad? Its an accident waiting to happen and I have read all their messages, and it felt like he still cares for her. I am sure that he is more vigilant in communicating with her after that incident. During my daughter's birthday 3yrs ago I was behind him and he was sending mu daughter's picture to that ex girl friend. He didnt hear anything I just kept quite as I believe I will be in the wrong again. :(

Sorry for the long post. I think this is where our relationship has got to end. I cant take it anymore, I know there are no perfect relationships but ours is just going no where.

It sounds like he is seeing someone else and slowly removing himself from your relationship.

Why haven't you asked him about not buying you a Christmas present and why he has suddenly changed the usual plan for Valentine's day?

In your situation I would be preparing to leave him!

There’s a good chance he is cheating on you and planning to leave.

You need to discuss it with him. Stick to your guns and what you believe and know is true. Do not be derailed by accusations of jealousy and a lack of trust. You do not have to trust him. Nobody has to trust anybody and nobody can. All we do is trust in our judgement of them.

You know he has been up to no good in the past and he is capable of this. He has avoided you on Valentine’s Day. People don’t do this, unless they need to be somewhere else. He is being squirrely and has been unfaithful to you. You are totally within reason to call him out.