Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

FWB and condom

52 replies

Nursehorsefly · 14/02/2020 13:19

I have a FWB who I’ve known for about 20 years. In the past he has had a varied and colourful sex life. We’ve always used condoms. He is saying now that I’m his only partner and there is no need for condoms. I don’t know if I trust him or why he is asking to do this? He has always been very ...err ....responsive. I thought, if anything, the condom helped slow him down a bit? The nature of our relationship is that he has been open about his other activities - and I’ve been ok with this as he has been careful/we’ve always used protection.

OP posts:

EmmaC78 · 14/02/2020 13:20

I would insist on condoms. STD checks don't cover everything so for a FWB I wouldn't take the risk.

Original poster

Nursehorsefly · 14/02/2020 13:25

They do not cover everything. HPV is on my mind, but if he had that I’m likely to have caught it anyway from him? He has had recent STI check and is clean. I’d like to not use condoms, but I’m not sure why I want this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Nursehorsefly · 14/02/2020 13:27

I can’t have children so no PG risk.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nursehorsefly · 14/02/2020 13:41

And for context, I would say I love him. He’s had various failed relationships over the years. I’ve been there when he’s been between relationships. I’ve never pursued a relationship with him as I wanted him to have children - and I knew he wanted this too. I’m happy being single and don’t want a partner - other than sex.

OP posts:

3rdchristmaslucky · 14/02/2020 13:45

If you're having unprotected oral sex and he has HPV, chances are you have it too.
If his test is clean and you're the only person he's having sex with and you're not at risk of pregnancy then not using condoms is perfectly reasonable.
As long as you both want that.

Original poster

Nursehorsefly · 14/02/2020 13:53

HPV is my biggest concern. But oral would only affect my throat? He doesn’t give me oral. Other concern is that he doesn’t want to use condoms, but is still seeing other people. I don’t ‘get’ why we are now considering this. Not just him, but me too.

OP posts:

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 14/02/2020 13:56

Just a side note and apologies if this is hurtful or insensitive, but when you say you can't have children, how sure are you about that? I know two women who were repeatedly told by doctors that they couldn't have children and they're both mothers now! Just a thought.

Original poster

Nursehorsefly · 14/02/2020 13:59

No that’s fine Flossie! I definitely can’t. Although many years ago I was distraught - I’ve accepted this and have amazing friends nieces/nephews and a very meaningful career. I am very happy!!

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 14/02/2020 15:13

I would still use condoms. Also both get STI checks.

Interestedwoman · 14/02/2020 15:17

He is saying now that I’m his only partner

Other concern is that he doesn’t want to use condoms, but is still seeing other people.

@Nursehorsefly Which is it? Or do you mean he's saying he's not seeing anyone else, but you know that's not the case?

EmmaC78 · 14/02/2020 15:24

I would still use condoms too. STI checks don't cover everything.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 14/02/2020 15:24

Ah that's good Nurse! Glad you're happy 😊

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/02/2020 15:27

If he’s had a recent clear STI test and has told you he isn’t sleeping with anyone else then you just have to work out whether you trust him to be telling the truth. Personally, since you’ve known each other 20 years, he’s always been open with you about who he’s seeing, and you are clearly actually established proper friends as well as benefits then I’d be inclined to believe him. I have a similar FWB I’ve known about 15 years. We genuinely like, respect and care for each other as friends as much as anything else and I therefore trust him when he says he’d never put my health or wellbeing at risk.

In terms of why you’re considering it now, that’s an emotional thing you need to unpick yourself but personally, I hate everything about condoms and it really could be as simple as that.

nearlynermal · 14/02/2020 15:37

OP, if you're worried about HPV you can actually go get vaccinated at Boots, against the riskiest strains. It's not just for teenagers.

Lazydaisydaydream · 14/02/2020 15:39

It sounds to me like maybe you are hoping this is an indication he's now wanting something more than just FWB? Maybe you need to have a discussion with him about that.

EL8888 · 14/02/2020 15:43

I think he’s being unreasonable personally. I would say no. Who knows when you will stop being his only partner

Cheeseandwin5 · 14/02/2020 15:48

Whilst I agree about the trust issue and that he maybe clean, it seems to me that you prefer him to wear a condom.
If that is the case, his needs do not trump yours.
You don't need to give him a reason, purely from safety reasons it is the correct thing to do.
Also I read it as you prefer him to wear a condom as it 'slows him down'

Crystal87 · 14/02/2020 15:58

Most people who have sex get HPV at some point. I've had it in the past and no longer have it. Never had any problems. My concern would be other STIs. I personally would not take the risk for something where you're not committed to each other.

DesperateElf · 14/02/2020 16:00

Do you mean he's dating other people but not having sex with them atm? I would stick to condoms if that's the case because this situation can change very quickly and I'd worry that he'd forget to inform you.

Peignoir · 14/02/2020 16:02

Condoms all the way.

happymummy12345 · 14/02/2020 16:21

This will be an unpopular opinion I'm sure but I've never ever had sex with a condom, with one night stands or people I've ended up in relationships with, or my husband, wouldn't ever want to either. I've always been on the pill and chanced everything else.

happymummy12345 · 14/02/2020 16:21

I just hate the idea of them.

Nowayorhighway · 14/02/2020 16:23

Jesus, I hope that is an unpopular opinion @happymummy12345. It’s only sheer luck you haven’t had a nasty STI. How irresponsible.

Definitely insist on condoms in this sort of scenario OP. You don’t know what he could potentially be harbouring and can’t trust that you’re actually exclusive since you’re not in a relationship.

Interestedwoman · 14/02/2020 16:39

You're daft, then.

I actually prefer sex with a condom on an emotional level, as it seems more respectful and thoughtful. A bloke putting one on is a little ritual, 'now we're going to have sex,' which makes it seem like the bloke is putting more thought into what we're doing. I imagine that's just me, tho.

Whathewhatnow · 14/02/2020 17:43

I hate condoms. I'd say no condom implies a higher level of trust and potentially something a bit more like a ... relationship. Maybe he is sounding you out.

You could just ask him why he wants to do this.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread