FWB and condom

[Nursehorsefly]

I have a FWB who I’ve known for about 20 years. In the past he has had a varied and colourful sex life. We’ve always used condoms. He is saying now that I’m his only partner and there is no need for condoms. I don’t know if I trust him or why he is asking to do this? He has always been very ...err ....responsive. I thought, if anything, the condom helped slow him down a bit? The nature of our relationship is that he has been open about his other activities - and I’ve been ok with this as he has been careful/we’ve always used protection.

Is he trying to say that he wants the two of you to be exclusive? You know, like a relationship, rather than FWBs?

A few thoughts here. First of all I’ll put my own cards on the table: Female, 40s and can’t remember when l last had sex with a man without a condom. For me, they are part of the package.

OP, he is claiming that he is now monogamous, but what do YOU want? Do YOU want to be monogamous? Sorry if I’ve missed something here.

How do you know he is going to stay monogamous?

I’m also concerned that you say he does not give you oral? Are you happy with this? That in itself would be a dealbreaker for me.

That’s a v good point about HPV - I may get one done at Boots. Thank you. I know I’m the past he has met people from Craigslist. I don’t see why he’d suddenly stop? Or why, ask me now not to use one. I can’t remember the last time I had unprotected sex. He’s the only person I want to sleep with - and I think I trust him.

Urgh - no! I DON’T want oral. I can’t bear being kissed or touched.

I guess I’m monogamous, but just because I’d otherwise choose to be celibate!

Yep - just asking him WHY is a great idea!

I’d like to not use condoms, but I’m not sure why I want this?

I’d guess it’s because women are socialised to see sex as something for men, and that the man’s pleasure is the most important part. You therefore want to please him and let him have a more pleasurable experience.

Just a guess of course but I see it happen a lot.

That’s interesting. I get off on pleasing him, and letting him take charge. He is very well spoken and has a deep voice - I love hearing it, and want to obey. I get turned off if he attempts to touch me. This comes across as completely unfeminist - but I do have boundaries, he’s not pushing the condom thing...

Given what you have just said (about not liking being touched) think he is probably angling for more intimacy. And it sounds a little bit like you might want it too. It's not all about male socialisation...

I think you interpret him not wanting to use condoms and his statement of exclusivity, as some sort of commitment which is what you want. Going along with his request in your mind equals being in a committed relationship with him.

Condoms are a personal choice.

I think the bigger issue here is that “you can’t bear being kissed or touched”.

He is trying to convince me that he is only having sex with me. It’s whether I believe him. I’ve told him that with condoms - he can do what he likes - and I’m not that bothered.

Really don’t think being kissed or touched is an issue. I can stand anything touching my neck or wrists - it’s like nails on a blackboard.

You don’t like being kissed and touched, then you don’t like it. Personal preference. It’s the same with condoms. I’d think most men and women prefer without, just as most people prefer skin on skin contact when having sex.

I’m not saying you should, there are benefits to using a condom, but your wise enough to make the right decision for yourself.

You can get vaccinated for HPV, but it’s very likely that you already have it anyway, the majority of adults do.

You need to talk and come to a decision you’re both happy with, if you thought he had an STI you shouldn’t be having sex with or without a condom.

I don’t personally use them, I never have, when I had an fwb we didn’t use condoms, but he did with other people and certain things were off the menu with other people. It worked well for both of us, not just one of us.

I wouldn't fluid-bond with him. I don't see any benefits to you - you're happy using them and not deeply desiring the sticky stuff - and not using them puts you at increased risk, so why on earth agree to it?

If you are both single and you say you love him, don't you want a committed relationship?

In which case, a bit further down the line, you won't need to use them.

I don’t want a committed relationship as I want my own space. I’d rather he did what’s best for him. The condom seems like such a big issue! Whenever he sexts, it’s always involves this. I don’t know - it’s something I would enjoy as I get off on pleasing him.

Fluid bond! I’ve not heard that phrase before. In fact I’ll start my discussion with him like that...

Oh, you might find this article helpful in articulating some stuff then www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/fluid-bonding

That’s really helpful category - I’ve just read it! Thank you!

I prefer sex with a condom - non latex ones are great. I get far fewer attacks of cystitis, thrush and BV, and the cleanup after sex is much easier.

I used to think I "didn't like condoms" but then I realised a) I had a mild latex sensitivity, so standard condoms were making me sore and b) I'd internalised the idea that sex was better without condoms because it felt better to the man. And if condoms felt less good for him, then it must be less good for me, right?

Then I realised that was bollocks :)

80% of adults have come into contact with HPV. It's probably futile to worry about it.

HPV can cause some cancers - so I've just read, so I'm going to get screened myself. I have a couple of FWB and I think it would be really wise to chat to him about how he sees the relationship now before you decide.

Hey Crystal87,
I once had HPV genital warts in the past and caught it from one of my exGFs who was asymptomatic. It wasn't a problem either as they eventually went away on their own in a few months and haven't had it since either.

You're right ✅️ in that we'll all eventually get it at some point since we're sexually active.