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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh wants it changed now

100 replies

Bubblegumpink · 14/02/2020 11:32

Through the pregnancy I asked for us to go through names. Dh was not interested. I made sure that any name I suggested was appropriate with his culture and religion. I am not that religious but I knew it was important to him (his religion kicked up a few notches after pregnancy. Was not religious like this to me prior. He was not interested in having any name ideas. I said some names I liked and what was his opinion but I didn't get much response. I thought that's ok we will just leave the names. I just thought in that time I could be making a start at the zillion names out there but it was no biggy we can wait. The birth came and he was the first to phone my family and friends to say the news and he referred to baby with a name.
It was a name that he knew I had said and loved. I thought baby would be going home without a name.
"It is a ....... and the name is.........". He said over phone.
He came over kissed me and said that was babys name. I was so grateful as it was a name that I had mentioned and loved. Memories were created with videos etc referring to baby by that name. Congratulation cards and new baby cards from family and friends came in and i put up in house. A week had gone by and dh says out the blue looking at the cards "you will have to tell all these people that is not the baby's name anymore". I couldn't understand why and what was wrong with it to make him change his mind. He said nothing but that he wanted name changed now but had no names to give me. He said. He will think about it and he will let me know. He then held baby and refered to her as baby, not like what he had done previously in our little home videos so it was final that that was not the child's name. He said he will give me a choice of 5 names and I can pick from them.

Do I just go along with it to keep the peace?

OP posts:
SlippersAndThePaper · 14/02/2020 16:36

No you do not go along with it to keep the peace. Absolutely not. That’s the first thing in a very slippery slope OP. What will it be next?

He sounds controlling and unpleasant. The becoming more religious whilst you were pregnant is worrying. Your baby has a name. Use it.

Yas01 · 14/02/2020 16:38

Hello,
I would like to say he sounds horrible. However, his religion has nothing to do with his behaviour towards you. Misogyny is a universal culture. This is a repeated pattern from abusers, as soon as they feel secure, they show their real colours. How many threads have been on her about men controlling their partners/girlfriends and wives, no religion involved, not Islam, Christianity, Judaism, etc. All abusers come from damaged homes or have been badly parented with no morals. Don't change the baby's name. You have more rights as you gave birth to her, carried her for 9 months etc.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 14/02/2020 16:39

This will get deleted soon. Mark my words. Threads on this topic always do, these days.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 14/02/2020 16:44

What will the next thing be you’ll have to do to keep the peace?

Twisique · 14/02/2020 17:03

This:

I suggest you register the baby without even telling him, using your surname too, as I suspect you'll end up divorced.

I would use your surname last and pop a middle name in you like too!

poopbear · 14/02/2020 17:05

WTF? I’ve never heard anything quite so bizarre. Are you in a cult or is this a troll? This doesn’t sound like reality to me. Reported. Nobody would agree to this and “be grateful” that the man gave the baby a name. Friday crazy strikes again

2stepsonthewater · 14/02/2020 17:07

He's acting like he's in charge and you're his subordinate. Are you happy to go along with that for the rest of your life? Teach your DCs that women are inferior to men?

Bubblegumpink · 14/02/2020 19:21

From this one incident PP have seen red flag.
Poopbear it is bizzare and the fact that you think it is ridiculous and can't be true shows how ridiculous his behaviour is. Grateful may be the wrong word to use, just happy that it's a name we both liked , well that's what I thought since he said it.

Glad name is stuck and I was not being unreasonable when I told him how I truly felt. I have already done enough compromising that the name fits with him and his beliefs. Some PP have commented that this is not an isolated incident and you are right. I just wanted your opinion to check If I was being unreasonable as I know people can change their mind about names etc but in this incident PP say that this was deliberate behaviour.

thread has been answered. Thanks for those that posted and I wish i had your radar on red flags as from just this incident alone you said that this is controlling behaviour.

Name not going anywhere.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 14/02/2020 19:51

Good for you @Bubblegumpink .

Please think about all the incidences of controlling and/or abusive behaviour etc. He doesn't sound like a good guy.

Feel free to mention some other examples if you want support and
feel able to. xxx

PixieDustt · 14/02/2020 20:01

He said he will give me a choice of 5 names and I can pick from them.

That's so kind of him! Hmm
Tell him to fuckoff and you're keeping your baby's name as it is.
He sounds so controlling.

PixieDustt · 14/02/2020 20:02

Just read your update.
Well done OP Thanks

Redwinestillfine · 14/02/2020 20:07

So what was his reaction when you said no? That will tell you a lot.

WombOfOnesOwn · 14/02/2020 20:13

His religiosity is probably to do with having an "outside reason" to control you so that it doesn't seem like it's his whim.

It's his whim.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 14/02/2020 20:14

Your whole relationship sounds wrong to me OP even from your initial discussions.

He wasnt bothered about names. In most relationships I know, you would have said 'right we're having this discussion now or I'm choosing the name'. Instead you just sit back and accept he doeant give a shit. Then he decides the name. You don't discuss it again, you don't say 'well you havent said so I'm deciding', you sit back and accept he has taken the decision by yourself.

It may be cultural, it may be because he is a controlling arse, it is probably both, but none of this sounds like you are are joint decisions in the relationship

Twillow · 14/02/2020 20:16

Very very strange and worrying. Parents should be able to come to a name decision together. Good for you for standing your ground and keep working on making decisions together by discussion.

PerkyPomPoms · 14/02/2020 20:17

What I as his reaction to your decision ? He sounds very controlling

GreenTulips · 14/02/2020 20:20

Don’t some cultures allow grandparents to name the children? Has he been influenced by family?

I would say absolutely not. We spend weeks discussing names and vetoing each other’s before we decided together.

BendyLikeBeckham · 14/02/2020 20:27

What else does he do that is controlling and unnerving, OP?

What are you going to do to protect yourself and your baby daughter from him?

oldfashionedtastingtea · 14/02/2020 20:42

thread has been answered. Thanks for those that posted and I wish i had your radar on red flags as from just this incident alone you said that this is controlling behaviour.

It's never too late to dissolve a relationship that doesn't work for you.

FabbyChix · 14/02/2020 20:47

Tell him to Fuk off the nut job

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2020 21:49

Some PP have commented that this is not an isolated incident and you are right

I imagine that surprises none of us, but hopefully having seen the truth you'll be able to do some deep thinking about your relationship

I just wanted your opinion to check If I was being unreasonable

Nothing wrong with this, but think what it means when absolutely every poster can already see it's unacceptable. That's what his behaviour has done to you, so again please think carefully about your future

Lucked · 14/02/2020 22:20

Yes people have name regret but they raise it with there partners in a conversation and then discuss it. It is not clear how you responded when he said he was going to change the babies name? are you walking on eggshells and scared of him?

I just wonder if a chat to your midwife/health visitor might be a good idea. Postpartum is an incredibly vulnerable time for women in abusive relationships. Abuse often ramps up or starts around that time.

nicky7654 · 15/02/2020 07:28

@vandree

Unfortunately this goes on a lot but you can't mention it without being called a bloody Racist. People need to wise up about different Cultures as it's not always plain sailing.

Poorolddaddypig · 15/02/2020 09:06

He sounds awful - controlling and horrific. Massive red flags.

TheStuffedPenguin · 15/02/2020 09:08

I was so grateful as it was a name that I had mentioned and loved

and you are going to rear a child with this man ?

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