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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh wants it changed now

100 replies

Bubblegumpink · 14/02/2020 11:32

Through the pregnancy I asked for us to go through names. Dh was not interested. I made sure that any name I suggested was appropriate with his culture and religion. I am not that religious but I knew it was important to him (his religion kicked up a few notches after pregnancy. Was not religious like this to me prior. He was not interested in having any name ideas. I said some names I liked and what was his opinion but I didn't get much response. I thought that's ok we will just leave the names. I just thought in that time I could be making a start at the zillion names out there but it was no biggy we can wait. The birth came and he was the first to phone my family and friends to say the news and he referred to baby with a name.
It was a name that he knew I had said and loved. I thought baby would be going home without a name.
"It is a ....... and the name is.........". He said over phone.
He came over kissed me and said that was babys name. I was so grateful as it was a name that I had mentioned and loved. Memories were created with videos etc referring to baby by that name. Congratulation cards and new baby cards from family and friends came in and i put up in house. A week had gone by and dh says out the blue looking at the cards "you will have to tell all these people that is not the baby's name anymore". I couldn't understand why and what was wrong with it to make him change his mind. He said nothing but that he wanted name changed now but had no names to give me. He said. He will think about it and he will let me know. He then held baby and refered to her as baby, not like what he had done previously in our little home videos so it was final that that was not the child's name. He said he will give me a choice of 5 names and I can pick from them.

Do I just go along with it to keep the peace?

OP posts:
YasssKween · 14/02/2020 12:11

This is really unnerving to read.

The religion ramping up is a massive red flag as is him telling you (not asking you) as a fact that the name as changed and you will have to go along with it.

He doesn't sound like a kind man who views you as an equal partner OP.

Can you see how it looks like that from the outside? Does it feel like that on the inside?

BuffaloCauliflower · 14/02/2020 12:12

This is alarming and very controlling. The fact he’s got more religious since you got pregnant is a big red flag. Put your foot down, baby’s name is not changing, and be prepared for other controlling behaviour

SoloMummy · 14/02/2020 12:13

Has his family kicked off about the name?

frazzledasarock · 14/02/2020 12:14

Are you married?

Go to your family and start divorce proceedings. He sounds like he’s ramping up abuse whilst you’re at your most vulnerable.

Name the baby whatever you want. Make sure you do it yourself without him.

Run from this man as fast as you can and keep you and your baby safe.

honesttogod · 14/02/2020 12:15

Have you married a Muslim man OP?

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 14/02/2020 12:17

His behaviour sounds really odd and controlling. He does not get to unilaterally decide the name of your child. That is a decision for both of you. He sounds horrible op.

Marmunia1975 · 14/02/2020 12:18

Show him the door, kick him out and close it behind you. What a doobie.

lauryloo · 14/02/2020 12:24

How odd. So he informed people of a name without discussing it first and now wants to change it?

Ilovepinot · 14/02/2020 12:30

This is not acceptable behaviour, I think you know that OP.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/02/2020 12:37

No, why the fuck would you go along with this?

He's a nutjob.

I suggest you register the baby without even telling him, using your surname too, as I suspect you'll end up divorced.

namechange1041 · 14/02/2020 12:38

Are you wearing rose tinted glasses OP?
He sounds like an abusive controlling prick!
Leave the bastard and don't look back.
I'd be very careful he doesn't try to kidnap your DC if you leave him. And that is no over exaggeration. You'll see.
Be careful OP

DesperateElf · 14/02/2020 12:48

Very, very alarming.
Your reaction should be - it's too late, we've already made this decision.

If you are afraid to say this, then it's a massive red flag that your DH is abusive. Remember it's not up to him to decide what is and isn't abusive, it's you feeling unsafe/afraid that defines it.

You are in such a vulnerable position right now, you need help not hassle! Call Women's Aid to flag up that you feel intimidated and stressed, ask for advice, say that you feel his behaviour is abusive. If this happened once, it will keep happening again and again unless you stand up to this bullshit.

Stay strong and make sure you have a good support network on your side in real life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2020 12:54

What the other respondents have written here. This man has more red flags about him than are present at a communist party committee meeting.

Are you married according to English civil law?.

I would seriously consider now commencing divorce proceedings; pregnancy and birth are often when abuse like you describe (and he is certainly abusive here) ramps up even further. I would register the name already chosen without him. This is who he really is, what you likely saw before was an act.

Womens Aid are certainly worth contacting here as is the Rights of Women organisation.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 14/02/2020 13:02

he referred to baby with a name.
It was a name that he knew I had said and loved. I thought baby would be going home without a name.

"It is a ....... and the name is.........". He said over phone.
A week had gone by and dh says out the blue looking at the cards "you will have to tell all these people that is not the baby's name anymore". I couldn't understand why and what was wrong with it to make him change his mind. He said nothing but that he wanted name changed now but had no names to give me. He said. He will think about it and he will let me know.*

Does he always make what should be joint decisions unilaterally and tell you what is happening in your life rather than asking to discuss things together?

I hope this isn't setting a pattern for the rest of your marriage but I have a horrible feeling it might be.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 14/02/2020 13:04

He'll be demanding that you convert next.

GameSetMatch · 14/02/2020 13:21

Go and register the birth, you both decided on a name and now he has changed the goal posts, it’s ridiculous he thinks he’s can give you five names to choose from!

VeganCow · 14/02/2020 13:21

He sounds, and obviously is, an absolute dick head. I would laugh in his face and say tough shit. You're the mum why is it all about him?

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 14/02/2020 13:25

his religion kicked up a few notches after pregnancy.

What does that actually mean? How did it manifest itself, and in particular did it directly affect you?

Herpesfreesince03 · 14/02/2020 13:27

Why did you have a baby with this man??

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/02/2020 13:27

Go and register the birth with the names of your choosing.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate and then

RUN

fedupdotcomlo · 14/02/2020 13:30

What the hell. This is not normal at all.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 14/02/2020 13:30

Can you put a father on the BC later, after registration?

If so, register her yourself, then tell him you will not comply with this ridiculous demand and she's now officially called X.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about whether you did the right thing by leaving him off the BC for the time being.

Janus · 14/02/2020 13:33

Honestly this sounds very worrying. No way, ever, would I choose a name from 5 that my husband gave me to choose from, what if you hate the lot?? I’d be saying I now think of her as x (whatever you’ve been calling her) and can we not stick with this? If he gets angry and says no I’d seriously consider going to stay with parents if that’s an option?

atomicblonde30 · 14/02/2020 13:33

Honestly and I’ll probably get flamed for this I’d make sure to back up all the evidence of the videos and phone calls in my iCloud or something similar along with all the pictures of the cards with the name on for just in case and then just go and register the baby with the name you’ve been using.

I wouldn’t tell him I’d just go and do it.

Andtwomakesix · 14/02/2020 13:53

Wow, that's not his decision to make like that. My ex refused to come up with names for our second child 9we werent together by then) and in the end I had to say, you have until tomorrow to give me your ideas to discuss or his name is this xxx. He had nothing to add surprise surprise, was being difficult for the sake of it.

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