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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh wants it changed now

100 replies

Bubblegumpink · 14/02/2020 11:32

Through the pregnancy I asked for us to go through names. Dh was not interested. I made sure that any name I suggested was appropriate with his culture and religion. I am not that religious but I knew it was important to him (his religion kicked up a few notches after pregnancy. Was not religious like this to me prior. He was not interested in having any name ideas. I said some names I liked and what was his opinion but I didn't get much response. I thought that's ok we will just leave the names. I just thought in that time I could be making a start at the zillion names out there but it was no biggy we can wait. The birth came and he was the first to phone my family and friends to say the news and he referred to baby with a name.
It was a name that he knew I had said and loved. I thought baby would be going home without a name.
"It is a ....... and the name is.........". He said over phone.
He came over kissed me and said that was babys name. I was so grateful as it was a name that I had mentioned and loved. Memories were created with videos etc referring to baby by that name. Congratulation cards and new baby cards from family and friends came in and i put up in house. A week had gone by and dh says out the blue looking at the cards "you will have to tell all these people that is not the baby's name anymore". I couldn't understand why and what was wrong with it to make him change his mind. He said nothing but that he wanted name changed now but had no names to give me. He said. He will think about it and he will let me know. He then held baby and refered to her as baby, not like what he had done previously in our little home videos so it was final that that was not the child's name. He said he will give me a choice of 5 names and I can pick from them.

Do I just go along with it to keep the peace?

OP posts:
Wakaranaihito · 14/02/2020 13:59

Red flags all over this. I'd call the National Domestic Violence Helpline and just get them to do a risk assessment with you. Just so you are clear about what is normal and what is not.

1/3 of Domestic Abuse starts in pregnancy - so merely him becoming more religious should get the hairs on the back of your neck standing up.

Lifeisabeach09 · 14/02/2020 13:59

Don't back down-stick with the name you chose. Husband or not, I would think hard about putting him on the birth certificate. Agree with PPs that said this man is controlling.

BrokenMumTeenDD · 14/02/2020 13:59

Tell him to feck off & feck,off again, he's a controlling, game playing arse

KatherineJaneway · 14/02/2020 14:15

He said. He will think about it and he will let me know.

You've got far bigger problems than a name.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 14/02/2020 14:16

So I wonder if the OP is coming back?

Mummyzzz044 · 14/02/2020 14:23

This is the oddest thing I've ever read.

Wow.

Sorry but I can't believe you let him dictate like this.

Mummyzzz044 · 14/02/2020 14:27

Do not put him on the birth certificate!!!! You need to get away, he is going to make every decision for the rest of that child future, and not for the best interest of the child. For his own interest.

RantyAnty · 14/02/2020 14:28

Tell him it's a baby not a fucking goldfish to change the name willy nilly. After it was announced and people came to visit and sent cards etc.

What's this naming the baby for his culture and religion even though the entire pregnancy he gave zero fucks about the name?

What about your culture and names that you actually like?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2020 14:40

You've got far bigger problems than a name

This ^^
Whatever the religion involved he's clearly an appalling misogynist, and I dread to think of the damage he'll do to his little girl if his attitude to you is anything to go by

As a PP suggested, it might be wise to think very carefully before putting him on the birth certificate

Autumn2019 · 14/02/2020 14:43

No..you dont " just go along to keep the peace". He is controlling you and this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. He has already decided and told you and relatives what the child's name is ....so i would go and register the child's name as it is. The cheek he has to say that "you" will have tell relatives that her name has been changed just because he has changed his mind. You say "keep the peace" what do you think he will do or say if you refuse to change DD's name? Don't put up with abuse - it only gets worse.

Idonttrackpeas · 14/02/2020 14:46

I wouldn't be standing for that. You have a say as well. He can't unilaterally change his mind. Have you registered the birth with the original name? If you're in the UK, consent of both parents is needed to change it.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2020 14:51

...(his religion kicked up a few notches after pregnancy. Was not religious like this to me prior.

This made my blood run cold. Take your baby and get the fuck out of there. I fear you are just starting to discover who he really is.

WooMaWang · 14/02/2020 14:56

I agree with everyone who has said that his new found attachment to religion is very unlikely to be anything to do with faith and a great deal about controlling you. It's a depressingly common thing to happen (and religion makes a very useful tool for an abuser - especially if you are not religious).

Your post screams your serious lack of agency in this relationship. It would be a good idea to give women's aid a call - just for some advice right now. And go on your own to register your baby with her name (which she's already known by).

morrisseysquif · 14/02/2020 15:01

Did he do all the phoning around with the news with your permission or did he just take over?

Go along with this to keep the peace....and you will never have any peace.

Lordfrontpaw · 14/02/2020 15:01

No just no. And don’t let him register the birth either. Two on our family have the ‘wrong’ names because dad registered the birth (although I suspect one was drunk at the time). These are funny family stories (my family is batshit) but this sounds controlling - I suspect he is filling orders from his mummy?

AlternativePerspective · 14/02/2020 15:08

For all those saying not to put him on the birth certificate, as he and OP are married he will automatically have PR.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2020 15:25

as he and OP are married he will automatically have PR

I don't want to make assumptions, but it might not be as simple as this; a lot could depend on how and where they were married, which is yet another thing OP would do well to get advice about

BrieAndChilli · 14/02/2020 15:26

its very very common for some men from other cultures to be fine with western culture - drinking, equal women etc but as soon as they marry and have children they become very traditional and controlling in thier views.
I would be very worried as its only going to get worse, does he control what you where? who you see? soon he will probably try cutting you off from your family by manipualating situations to create arguments and make you totally dependant on him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2020 15:34

Do I just go along with it to keep the peace?

No you don't.

Think very carefully about the life you want for you and your baby.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 14/02/2020 15:45

Alternative depends whether they are legally married in British law or just ‘married’ in the eyes of Islam (or whatever other religion it might be but probably isn’t.)

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 14/02/2020 15:46

OP are you still reading? 🧐

MissingMySleep · 14/02/2020 16:00

He sounds deranged.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 14/02/2020 16:19

Op it really jumped out at me what you said about the original birth announcement. If my dp had unilaterally chosen and announced a name without discussing it with me - even if it was a name he new I loved - I'd have gone fucking ballistic. And I'm pretty sure that would have been a normal reaction. But you say that you were grateful! Just take a second to think about it. You are actually grateful to him that although he completely erased you from the decision making process, he chose a name you also liked. Choosing a name together that you both like is normal. It is not something to be grateful for. Choosing a name your partner likes without telling her is not normal and it definitely not something to be grateful for. As for everything that came afterwards... Like others have said, there are some very very big red flags here that suggest you are already being abused, and that the abuse is now about to ramp up (as it so often does after pregnancy).

Vandree · 14/02/2020 16:23

The religion bit is alarming on its own until he decided to rename the baby! OP I am generally not one for stirring but I would be careful how you handle this. A close friend of mine married a "lovely" man from a Muslim country and lived very happily with him and her child from a previous relationship until she got pregnant. She was such a bubbly girl, knew everyone and would be talking a mile a minute with the strongest dublin accent. Very quickly she was covered from head to toe, her husband no longer works and next time I talked to her and asked how the baby was I was told the baby now lives with her MIL who lives in her husbands country to be raised Muslim and sees her once a year. Her baby doesn't speak English and doesn't know who her mother is. I wish I was making this up.

If there is more going on here you need help. Are you legally married ?

hm246 · 14/02/2020 16:29

Is he always this controlling ? His behaviour is definitely setting off red flags. Please don’t let him change the name that you love.