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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He wants to get back together but I don’t think I can

66 replies

SCFLEAD · 13/02/2020 14:45

I’ll try to keep this brief.

Ex and I split up when DS was 5 weeks old. Now 6 months down the line he has contacted me asking if we can try again. He has told me that he was seeing someone else for a while so I asked him when this was and he said he began seeing her not long after we had split. He also told me that he’s had a couple of one night stands.

I know this stuff happened when we were apart but I feel really hurt by it. I didn’t doubt he had been with other people (he was very much a ‘lad’ when he was younger) but I think I’m more hurt by the fact he started seeing someone else so soon after we had broken up, especially when DS was so young. I’d understand drunken one night stands but to actually start full on seeing someone, under those circumstances, I can’t get my head around.

I really don’t think I can get back with him for that reason as I think it would just eat me up and probably feel worse than I do just now if I was actually in a relationship.

He thinks I’m being an idiot and I should just forget whatever happened when we weren’t together but I think it’s time to forget about him, move on and keep communication between us purely for DS and nothing else.

OP posts:

Itsallgonewoowoo · 13/02/2020 14:51

You know what you want, it's not the relationship he's offering you. In 6 months he's managed 2 one nights and a relationship, that's quite a lot! Keep on, keeping on.

DPotter · 13/02/2020 14:53

If you're not 100% sure - then don't. Especially as he's then gone on to call you 'an idiot' - that not even polite, let alone respectful or indeed romantic.
Keep away - and don't full for the 'It will be better for the baby' line. It's a lie

DonnaDarko · 13/02/2020 14:56

I wouldn't want to get back together with him either.

Other women don't want him so now he's crawling back... I don't think so!

Original poster

SCFLEAD · 13/02/2020 15:01

He also called me a hypocrite - said I’m out all the time when he has DS so I just have slept with people as well. He takes DS one night a week (occasionally) I’ve had 2 nights out since we split and one was dinner and a few cocktails with my friend and I was home by 11pm so I don’t know where he’s getting that from!

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 13/02/2020 15:03

Forget about the past 6 months while you were apart for just a moment. Focus on the reasons you split in the first place. What were they? Have those reasons been resolved? If not then there is little point taking him back until you discuss them and are happy that things will now be better.

Has he been involved in baby's life since you split up? Has he paid maintenance and spent time looking after baby? If not then I'd be reluctant to let him waltz back in, but I'd encourage him to show that he's serious about his child by paying maintenance and making a huge effort to form a bond with your baby. If he can manage that then maybe you could look at a relationship with him, but only if you want it, not just because he does.

Emijen · 13/02/2020 15:03

Don’t get back with him, especially with the way he’s treating you now. Clearly other women don’t want him and he wants you back now

CremeEggThief · 13/02/2020 15:06

Definitely not. He sounds potentially abusive to me.

rvby · 13/02/2020 15:06

Why would you entertain resuming a relationship with someone who calls you an idiot and tries to gaslight you about your own behaviour during the split? He sounds like he thinks very highly of himself tbh, with no evidence that he should.

Just ignore him and move on. He will only fuck you around more and more if you stay in contact with him. Ignore all contact not pertaining to your dc

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2020 15:08

He thinks I’m being an idiot and I should just forget whatever happened when we weren’t together

He sounds horrible. Dismissive of your feelings and unpleasant. And that's without his assuming you've been doing the same. And 'very soon after' often means 'started while we were still together'.

user1481840227 · 13/02/2020 15:15

Do not get back with him!
A couple of one night stands and a relationship in the few months that you've been apart? He's been busy!!
Also it shows zero respect or consideration towards you the mother of his child, to move on so quickly when that's quite a vulnerable time mentally for new mothers.
New mothers don't need the stress and upset of that while trying to look after a newborn.

On top of that he thinks you're an idiot for not forgetting about......another show of complete lack of empathy, if he was genuine and cared about your best interests he would understand that it would take a lot of time and effort to get past that!

Also trying to accuse you of sleeping with people as a way of shutting your argument down. You say you don't know where he's getting it from...They literally just make this stuff up out of thin air so that you'll shut up, if you bring up the people you've slept with you know he'll do the same to you so that means you'll stop bringing it up!!

PersephoneandHades · 13/02/2020 15:15

It doesn't sound like he is offering what you are looking for.

FinallyHere · 13/02/2020 15:21

He thinks I’m being an idiot and I should just forget whatever happened

Is that how you want to live? He messes up and you are just prepared to forget all about it and go on as if nothing happened?

Don't be that person.

Enjoy your lovely DS, enjoy your life.

BlueJava · 13/02/2020 15:21

It sounds like you'd be better off not getting back with him. Just stay as you are and say no - concentrate on your baby and tell him no.

StormTreader · 13/02/2020 15:28

Sounds to me like he saw 6 months of hard work supporting you and the baby through night feeds, crying and no sex and just noped straight out of all of that to go have fun and leave you coping on your own.

Now 6 months have passed, he thinks the hardest bit is over, plus you might be up for having sex again, and hes trying to walk back in the door like nothing happened.

CamVegOut · 13/02/2020 15:30

Does he want to get back with you so he won't have to have the kid on his own, you won't be able to go out but he can do whatever he wants

Idonttrackpeas · 13/02/2020 15:33

DON'T DO IT

It's your life. Your choice. Don't let him bully you (that's what he's doing!)

Dozer · 13/02/2020 15:33

Why did you break up in the first place?

Sounds like it was the right decision to break up.

You’re right, it doesn’t reflect well on him that instead of parenting his tiny DS he was out dating. Also unpleasant of him to make assumptions about your sex life and to dismiss your understandable feelings about his choices.

Maduixa · 13/02/2020 15:33

If you split up despite having a five week old, I'm guessing there were some very good reasons. Sounds like those things have not changed, AND other issues have come up since the split that have made the relationship even less desirable/workable for you.

He also called me a hypocrite - said I’m out all the time when he has DS so I just have slept with people as well.

His "logic" doesn't even make any sense. I'd stop trying to explain to him WHY you don't want to get back together, and just tell him it's not happening and that's final. You put it really clearly in your original post: ... it’s time to forget about him, move on and keep communication between us purely for DS and nothing else.

PepePig · 13/02/2020 15:34

I agree with Storm.

He's bailed out of the hard, tedious bit of parenting and to be blunt, while you were up at 4am winding and feeding your baby, he was up fucking someone else.

Don't let this loser back into your life. If he wants you badly enough he'll show you he's changed over the next year. But my guess is you'll say no, he'll take the huff and 3 months later be dating someone else. Don't fall for it.

BaolFan · 13/02/2020 15:34

He thinks I’m being an idiot and I should just forget whatever happened when we weren’t together

He's not in charge of your feelings, so what he thinks is irrelevant.

He also called me a hypocrite - said I’m out all the time when he has DS so I just have slept with people as well.

Wow, doesn't he sound like a prince amongst men? He's accusing you of seeing other people because he can't understand how someone can go for a night out and not have it end with a random shag. Again, even if you had done it's still none of his business.

Bin him off completely.

user1471449295 · 13/02/2020 15:34

If it’s eating you up it won’t work with him. That ship has sailed by the sounds of it.

Original poster

SCFLEAD · 13/02/2020 15:35

@ StormTreader

I think you have hit the nail on the head there! The reason we split up was because I was “nagging” him too much about helping out with night feeds and helping with housework. In the 5 weeks from DS was born till we split he didn’t do a single night feed, cook a single meal or wash a single stitch of clothing. I asked him to help out with night feeds and he refused, said it was my job as I was on maternity leave.

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 13/02/2020 15:36

I also bet that there's a hell of a lot more massive reasons why you shouldn't get back with him! It is so obvious from the small amount that you've said!

dustibooks · 13/02/2020 15:41

Tell him to fuck off.

If he wants you both to get back together, he should be grovelling on bended knee and begging for forgiveness for abandoning you when you had a newborn baby. Not shagging everything in sight the minute you broke up. Not telling you that you're an idiot and should just forget all about it. Not accusing you of sleeping around. Not calling you a hypocrite.

He's a bastard. Don't take him back.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/02/2020 15:42

You're not even together and he calling you a liar and trying to control your behaviour. It's not worth it. You know that, though.

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