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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He wants to get back together but I don’t think I can

66 replies

SCFLEAD · 13/02/2020 14:45

I’ll try to keep this brief.

Ex and I split up when DS was 5 weeks old. Now 6 months down the line he has contacted me asking if we can try again. He has told me that he was seeing someone else for a while so I asked him when this was and he said he began seeing her not long after we had split. He also told me that he’s had a couple of one night stands.

I know this stuff happened when we were apart but I feel really hurt by it. I didn’t doubt he had been with other people (he was very much a ‘lad’ when he was younger) but I think I’m more hurt by the fact he started seeing someone else so soon after we had broken up, especially when DS was so young. I’d understand drunken one night stands but to actually start full on seeing someone, under those circumstances, I can’t get my head around.

I really don’t think I can get back with him for that reason as I think it would just eat me up and probably feel worse than I do just now if I was actually in a relationship.

He thinks I’m being an idiot and I should just forget whatever happened when we weren’t together but I think it’s time to forget about him, move on and keep communication between us purely for DS and nothing else.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2020 15:42

Well I hope you expect him to pay his way now and, when the baby is older, do his share of parenting.

I wouldn't touch him again with someone else's.

BaolFan · 13/02/2020 15:51

I don't want a relationship with you. Let's keep things civil for our son as it's for his benefit that everyone gets along.

Rinse and repeat.

If he pushes for why you aren't interested tell him it doesn't matter, and that you don't need to justify why you don't want to go out with him anymore.

thelaststraw123 · 13/02/2020 15:55

Red flags 🚩

Run

damnthatanxiety · 13/02/2020 15:57

He's called you an idiot and a hypocrite and made shit about about what he believes you have been up to so he can minimise his behaviour. He is telling you what you should and shouldn't think.
Yeah...nah... nothing about this man sounds appealing in any way. You've done the 6 months of heartbreak. Why would you possibly consider going back for more?

Original poster

SCFLEAD · 13/02/2020 16:24

Thanks so much for your replies everyone. I know getting back with him would be the wrong thing to do, guess I just needed a bit of clarification.

OP posts:

Dozer · 13/02/2020 16:45

You will be doing yourself and your DC a big favour by staying away. If your ex wants to be a good parent, he can do that without being in a relationship with you. Sadly it doesn’t sound hopeful that he will be

Original poster

SCFLEAD · 16/02/2020 12:17

Update - he has taken a major huff because I’ve told him I don’t want to get back with him.

I did ask him a few questions about the relationship (when did he start seeing her, who ended it) he told me he’s not discussing anything with me as it’s none of my business - it happened while we were apart and not to mention it to him again.

He was supposed to take DS tonight and has just text me saying he won’t be coming for him as he’s too busy with work.

OP posts:

fedup21 · 16/02/2020 12:21

I did ask him a few questions about the relationship (when did he start seeing her, who ended it)

Just don’t go there-don’t talk to him about her-it shows him you are still interested in what he does.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 16/02/2020 12:24

What a strange, unpleasant, entitled man he sounds!

It reads as though he's assuming he has an automatic god given right to get back together with you and is shocked and offended that you're a fully functional separate human being with your own separate feelings, emotions, thoughts and wishes.

Stay well out of a relationship with someone who assumes you're obliged to do and feel and think as he wants! Well done for saying no

Original poster

SCFLEAD · 16/02/2020 12:26

@fedup21 yea I suppose. I’m just trying to figure out if he’s trying to crawl back to me because he’s been dumped really. Also trying to get my head around how he can still declare his undying love for me, even though he’s been seeing someone else.

OP posts:

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/02/2020 12:30

He sounds like an utter waste of space.

And if this is how he behaves when he’s supposedly trying to get back with you, and declaring undying love...? What a git. You’re better off without him. It’s all about him, not you or your child.

UYScuti · 16/02/2020 12:33

Of course he thinks you to do just what he wants so that he can have everything his own way.
He's having a laugh I mean what's in it for you, just tell him no thanks that doesn't work for me.

UYScuti · 16/02/2020 12:34

And when he doesn't get his own way he takes it out on his own child, is that someone that you want in your life?
what a piece of shit☹️

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 16/02/2020 12:34

Sounds like you would be better off being single than being with someone who you can’t trust or in a relationship where you will more than likely be miserable.

TooOldForThis67 · 16/02/2020 12:35

He's an immature, selfish, entitled pig. You are well rid of him.

FinallyHere · 16/02/2020 12:37

I’m just trying to figure out if he’s trying to crawl back to me because he’s been dumped really. Also trying to get my head around how he can still declare his undying love for me, even though he’s been seeing someone else.

While I do absolutely understand that you want the answers to all these questions (and maybe to a good few more,too), with all the very best wishes in the world, there is no chance you will ever get to the 'real' answer.

At best, he will just say whatever he thinks best suits his purpose at the time.

The best, most painless way for you to move forward is to pretty much disregard what he says and concentrate on living a good life for you and your lovely DS.

Evaluate him only on what he does.

How much interest does he show in your beautiful baby, how much support does he provide for you, the mother of that baby and the so called 'love of his life'? Does he show interest only when it suits his purpose, when everything is going his way ?

All the very best 💐

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 16/02/2020 12:42

I was in the same position as you, he left when ds was 4 months old. We got back together when he was 9months and I left him weeks after. 12 years later he’s no different, still a useless dad and unreliable.

Keep your distance whilst encouraging a relationship with your dc, but don’t talk to him about anything other the dc. You don’t need to know and you’re just stroking his ego that you still want him. He’s a dick and you deserve better

tribpot · 16/02/2020 12:44

I’m just trying to figure out if he’s trying to crawl back to me because he’s been dumped
It doesn't really matter, though, does it? (a) You've told him you don't wish to resume a relationship and (b) even if you did, he clearly doesn't like you very much and is a prize twat.

The circumstances surrounding his declaration of undying love (exactly how much time passed between this and him calling you an idiot?) don't really matter. And actually even if he had not been out shagging other people whilst you had broken up, that wouldn't matter either. He is not a good partner. He doesn't like you. He is not going to pick up his share of the work at home. He isn't that fussed about the child he has with you, given he's dumped him in order to punish you.

You were quite right in your first post: I think it’s time to forget about him, move on and keep communication between us purely for DS and nothing else

Wouldithelp · 16/02/2020 12:45

He's an arsehole OP. All the reasons you split up, not pulling his weight at all etc were bad enough. And how you feel about his behaviour when you were split up is how you feel, you can't really help that, nor do you need to try to, plus those exploits are on top of everything else.

SinkGirl · 16/02/2020 12:52

OP, I mean this kindly - who he’s been sleeping with is the least of your problems!

You asked him to simply share the load of his own child, after you’d grown and delivered a human being and were doing everything yourself, and this “nagging” was such a hardship that he actually left you with a five week old baby and started moving on. While you were at home caring for your child alone.

How can you possibly think about getting back with him or care who he’s been seeing? He moved on quickly because he’s selfish - you already knew that!

PicsInRed · 16/02/2020 12:53

I would suspect she was around before you broke up, it hasn't worked out, now he wants his feet back under your table.

NO. Leave him there -->>> 🗑

UYScuti · 16/02/2020 13:00

He's not a partner he's a parasite

averythinline · 16/02/2020 13:06

I'm not sure why you're bothering about who he's been shagging when...

you broke up because he was a waste of space a shit partner and shit parent....

nothing he has done has altered any of that..... make sure you are claiming maintenance for your son..... and tell him to get lost ...

if he wants to be parent he can commit to regular times looking after dc .. and he is the parent - DC are people not some toy to be picked up as and when people fancy .....

RantyAnty · 16/02/2020 13:23

Tell him to fuck right off.

I can't think of anything more unattractive than weak irresponsible man child. The permanent ick factor.

Hold out for a legit man.

Dozer · 16/02/2020 13:35

How predictable that he’s punishing you for non compliance by reneging on his parenting responsibilities.

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