I don't understand my mum's behaviour and I can't cope with it

[ChickenDippers123]

I've posted here a few times about my relationship with my mum, but I kind of just need to vent because I don't have anyone else to talk to and could really do with some words of encouragement.

If you remember, I'm the one who had to pay for a scan for my stepdad because he wouldn't come to one with my partner. I tried to cancel it and say I couldn't afford it but I was guilt-tripped and ignored and I just couldn't be bothered with the hassle so I ended up taking him and ending up in my overdraft because they wouldn't give me any money towards it.

I'm also the one who she called a 'horrible human being' and a 'silly little girl' because I suggested my MIL buy a pram as she had been struggling with money. When I told her how upset it had made me she said I was chatting 'bullshit'.

Today she's dropped over for a coffee, and it's like everything she said made it seem like it was her pregnancy.

I'm 30+1 now. Today, she told me I was ridiculous for not wanting anyone to kiss my newborn baby and that she would be doing so whether I like it or not, and if I don't like it I'll have to buy a hat for him to wear around her to stop her doing it.

She then said that whether I like it or not, she would be waiting at the hospital while I have my C-Section, even though I wanted it to be just me and my partner.

She's then said again that she doesn't care what I think, she will be the first person to hold my baby asides from me and the dad.

She's then said she thinks I'm going to turn against her when the baby is here, which I said I'm not, to which she said if I do, she won't be 'nice about it'.

Then, she went onto say how she feels left out of my pregnancy because my partner goes to all my appointments and scans with me and she doesn't get to be involved (even though she's been to two scans) and went onto say how she was upset grandparents don't have rights because she should have grandparental rights to my child.

She has also brought up that she thinks it's a good idea that I sign over some rights to her because I have mental health issues (which have been controlled for years, and I'm doing just fine) and if I was to be hospitalised she would want to look after the baby. I have said no to this and I am sticking to this. I don't want her having any rights to my child.

How the hell do I deal with all of this? I just sat there in disbelief as she went on and on and on, and as soon as she got home she tagged me in a picture of parents who overreact to being a parent (aka me with the no kissing thing).

It's hard to go no contact because of how nasty she will be and I really can't deal with it.

If I go really low contact she will accuse me of turning on her and cutting her out.

If I lie about the C-Section date she will be furious because she will no doubt find out and it will ruin the arrival of my son.

What can I realistically do here?

What I'm hearing you say is, she is behaving horrifically, but it is still not bad enough for you to visit any consequences on her. You've listed out all the things you won't do, and basically covered off all practical consequences.

In practice, that means you're ok with her behaviour and will allow her to carry on with it.

What's it going to take op? How much further will you let her go?

I guess if you're not going to go NC or LC, and you're not going to take any other action, then you're just going to have to (a) learn to meditate and ignore your feelings completely, and (b) start a therapy fund for your DC

I would love to go low contact with her but I just don't know how to do that without making the rest of my pregnancy even more stressful than it already has been? I have bad anxiety and gestational diabetes and I'm trying to keep stress levels to a minimum but I don't know what I can do that's not going to be a really stressful situation. @rvby

Use the professionals around you. Tell them
under no circumstances is she to be allowed to wait for you on the ward. Ask a midwife to be present while she visits (so she can’t snatch the baby out of your hands) and to be very strict on visiting times.

The stuff about having rights id just ignore. If you had difficulties with your health the baby would be looked after by their father, she wouldn’t even come into it. You can’t ‘sign some rights over’ your baby isn’t a time share . You and the father have parental responsibility, that’s it.

I think you need to Decide on some set phrases and use them on repeat:
It is not your decision
This child is ours alone, you are incorrect in thinking you have any say.
I will decide who does what with the baby.

Shrug and smile, show that she can’t intimidate you.

I’m sorry this is happening but tbh actual NC means she doesn’t get a chance to be nasty to you.

Are you really willing to have the birth of your child fucked up because if her? Hasn’t she done enough already to ruin this pregnancy for you?

You’re about to become a parent and one of the most important jobs you have is to keep your child safe - not just physically but emotionally. How is your mother going to be a safe person for your child to be around, given her unhinged behaviour?

You act like you have no choice but to keep your mother in your life. But you do. And soon it’s not just your mental health on the line, but your child’s.

There is clearly no way to manage her other than to capitulate to her and allow you, your partner and your baby to experience her toxicity.

Or you can remove her from your life. It’s that simple. Not easy, but those are your choices.

At the moment there aren't any consequences for her actions - she will keep pushing and pushing you until you put up some boundaries. I'm pretty mild mannered but if someone spoke to me like that I'd kick them out my house.
I'd write all this down and show my DH. Agree together that it's totally unacceptable. Agree what the consequences are of her behaviour. If your DH doesn't stick up for you then you need to pack your bags and go to your mums/sister etc - show him what the consequences are for his actions.
Adults (and children as you'll find out!) learn through rewards and consequences. You need to start dishing them out! Good luck OP and congrats on your pregnancy

Do any of you think it would be a good idea to just write a letter? I've been thinking about it, and explain that this is my child and he is my responsibility and it is up to me what happens, or would I be wasting my time?

What do you realistically think she will do after reading such a letter?

I’m really sorry, OP but your Mum is an emotionally abusive, controlling arsehole. It’s not okay for her to treat you like this. But now it’s your child you need to protect from her as well as yourself. I’m sure your mental health would improve if she wasn’t in your life.
What does your partner make of her?

Honestly, the only thing that will help in the long run is going NC. It will be hard but she won’t take any form of boundaries sitting down, so may as well cut her off completely.

I am reading my situation, please please PLEASE do anything you can to have very little minimal contact, no contact would be best but I'm unsure of your complete situation. She is toxic, she will completely try and take over when your baby is here, overstepping boundaries, implementing her own parenting ideas, being critical towards you/your partner. I have just cut my mum off for doing the exact same thing, she was exactly the same throughout my pregnancy as yours. Please take some time to think about this situation and how you're going to approach it because it will be a non stop battle, set boundaries now, be firm it's your family YOUR pregnancy, dont ever feel an inch if guilt for having your own mind. Draw a line, make it clear to her if she wants to undermine your parenting choices and disrespect your wishes then she doesn't deserve a place in yours or your daughters life. Take good care, and congratulations x

I'd go no contact. Get her out of your and your babies life. Don't let her poison your child.

What does your partner think ?

Read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.
Join the Stately Homes thread.
If you can, get counselling (or get on the waiting list at least).
And then put some rock solid boundaries in place.

it sounds easy to go NC / VLC but it's not.

She's then said she thinks I'm going to turn against her when the baby is here In honesty from all you've said your mum kinda knows she's being appalling and at some level is doing all she can to make it impossible for you to step away.

You're going to have to do it though. She's going to be hell on earth when the baby arrives and you have the choice of stress now, or hellish stress later.

How to do it? Plan.

Predict how she's going to behave and plan how to handle it all. Abusive texts/calls? Tell her that if it continues, you're going to block her. then do it.

If she turns up on the doorstep tell her to leave, or you'll call the police - and then do it.

You do need to get the professionals to help you here including your health visitor!

Can your partner step up and plan with you? You need protecting now, lovey. You aren't meant to handle this alone.

If I go really low contact she will accuse me of turning on her and cutting her out.

You're going to have to face that you're going to lose your mum. Both the love that you hope you'll get from her, and the dominating harridan she is behaving like. That's -really- hard to do, to face losing a parent, and it will hurt for a long time. But now you need to put your health and the bond with your baby first.

If you are able to step away from her, and it is very hard - it will remain a painful thing. But you will also find a freedom and a deep, deep relief in not being harrassed, insulted and threatened like this. Honestly, it's like coming out into the fresh air after being shut in a cupboard for years.

Plan this out carefully sweet heart, and it -will- be manageable. You'll need to plan both the practical aspects of how to handle her, and the emotional aspects of how hurtful and hard all this is, plus the guilt and the sense of 'are you depriving your child of a grandmother". Technically yeah, you will be, but some influences are just plain baleful. Blood alone does not a good parent/grandparent make.

She will go batshit after reading that letter and trample all over your wishes anyway. I think you’d be wasting your time and cause more stress for yourself.

My partner is not happy with her behaviour at all but barely sees her as she usually comes over when he's not there.

You need to prioritise protecting your baby now - surely going no contact will be less stressful than trying to manage her abuse around your baby?

Great post SeaEagleFeather 👍

Plan what to say to her when she starts in on you. Even practise it with your partner. Get him to pretend to be her. It sounds weird but it can help.

Work out how to stay calm; some people find imagining a shield around themselves helps, others imagining a solid rock they can stand on and let the other person rage against. Pre-arrange to ring your partner if it gets too much (he is helpful I hope?)

When your baby is here, you’re going to be vulnerable, hormonal, tired and possibly sore. You’ll be in no fit state to cope with her. I would suggest dealing with this NOW - because this kind of stress could be the difference between good and poor postnatal mental health.

No contact and move house without a forwarding address. I'm not kidding.

Op this is the first I’ve heard of your situation but please go NC.

Is she likely to turn up on the doorstep screaming?

If that’s the case, then maybe wait till you feel stronger. Is she nearby?

Thank you @SeaEagleFeather that was a really lovely and helpful post.

To answer other questions:

Yes, she lives 10 minutes away from me. I don't think she will turn up on my doorstep screaming but I do think she will convince the rest of my family to isolate me.

My partner is really supportive and helpful, and he too doesn't want my mum at the hospital, we both want it to be just us. But she is currently using the 'If there are complications you'll need me there because your partner won't know how to deal with that'.

Neither will she - she's not the midwife or doctor, is she? You're an adult and so is your husband, fgs.

She's then said again that she doesn't care what I think

There is nothing more to consider after she said this to you.

NO CONTACT.

Protect yourself and your baby from her negative , destructive energy.

Keep telling yourself:

I am a good person.

And when you feel guilty tell yourself:

this will pass

Do things you love.
Be with people who up lift up
Or be on your own.
But stay away from her.

You can do this OP !

It depends what you want the letter to do.

If you want it to clarify your thoughts, go for it.

If you want it to use as a way of getting your views across, expressing yourself, do it.

If you want to ask her to do something, take an action, don't bother. You cannot control her reaction. We are only responsible for own behaviour, not others.

Odds are, she will react badly. Having a new baby changes the dynamic for everyone. Change brings good and bad emotions out, makes us behave in unpredictable ways. She has reverted to her worst behaviour of trying to control you like a child.

Has it occurred to you that your mental health issues have been caused by your mother? Her harsh warnings about how you will cope will have a double meaning for you both. She will fear herself 'she's passed them on' or her behaviour has caused them. I suspect you fear you will fail because you think you will pass them on, rather than you will find motherhood harsh. Don't worry. Often the best parents amongst us survive and thrive precisely because we are determined not to give our children the childhoods we had. If we have any mental health issues, or our children do, we are better equipped, as experts by lived experience, to help.

Your son needs the best parent he can have, focused on his survival. He needs you to parent him. You absolutely can do this, with support and professionals who only want that for you. Anyone who doesn't is irrelevant - be harsh and ruthless and cut them out. And believe me, the instinct to protect kicks in!

After a few months, think about parenting yourself, repairing the damage from the defective parenting you've had. Maybe look at some of the toxic families threads. When you feel stronger, you can reintroduce your mum then, and decide what, if any, contact you want. But for right now, your one priority is being the best parent to your son. No one should get in the way of that. If your mum doesn't get that, it tells you all you need to know about how she views her selfish needs above the important bond between a mother and child

Your partner doesn't need to deal with complications, that's what the trained professionals in the hospital are there for.

The real beauty of no contact, is that she can have all her drama and you don't need to know anything about it.

My mum had tendencies like this. I'll never forget when ds1 was a few days old, she was holding him and talking about how much more important their bond was than anything else.

I very calmly said that if that behaviour and her controlling tendencies didn't stop there and then it would be the last time she saw any of us, she could tell I meant it too.

I would give your mum one chance to pack it in, and if she doesn't listen I'd just cut her off. She sounds a bloody nightmare.