I don't understand my mum's behaviour and I can't cope with it

[ChickenDippers123]

I've posted here a few times about my relationship with my mum, but I kind of just need to vent because I don't have anyone else to talk to and could really do with some words of encouragement.

If you remember, I'm the one who had to pay for a scan for my stepdad because he wouldn't come to one with my partner. I tried to cancel it and say I couldn't afford it but I was guilt-tripped and ignored and I just couldn't be bothered with the hassle so I ended up taking him and ending up in my overdraft because they wouldn't give me any money towards it.

I'm also the one who she called a 'horrible human being' and a 'silly little girl' because I suggested my MIL buy a pram as she had been struggling with money. When I told her how upset it had made me she said I was chatting 'bullshit'.

Today she's dropped over for a coffee, and it's like everything she said made it seem like it was her pregnancy.

I'm 30+1 now. Today, she told me I was ridiculous for not wanting anyone to kiss my newborn baby and that she would be doing so whether I like it or not, and if I don't like it I'll have to buy a hat for him to wear around her to stop her doing it.

She then said that whether I like it or not, she would be waiting at the hospital while I have my C-Section, even though I wanted it to be just me and my partner.

She's then said again that she doesn't care what I think, she will be the first person to hold my baby asides from me and the dad.

She's then said she thinks I'm going to turn against her when the baby is here, which I said I'm not, to which she said if I do, she won't be 'nice about it'.

Then, she went onto say how she feels left out of my pregnancy because my partner goes to all my appointments and scans with me and she doesn't get to be involved (even though she's been to two scans) and went onto say how she was upset grandparents don't have rights because she should have grandparental rights to my child.

She has also brought up that she thinks it's a good idea that I sign over some rights to her because I have mental health issues (which have been controlled for years, and I'm doing just fine) and if I was to be hospitalised she would want to look after the baby. I have said no to this and I am sticking to this. I don't want her having any rights to my child.

How the hell do I deal with all of this? I just sat there in disbelief as she went on and on and on, and as soon as she got home she tagged me in a picture of parents who overreact to being a parent (aka me with the no kissing thing).

It's hard to go no contact because of how nasty she will be and I really can't deal with it.

If I go really low contact she will accuse me of turning on her and cutting her out.

If I lie about the C-Section date she will be furious because she will no doubt find out and it will ruin the arrival of my son.

What can I realistically do here?

She is already injuring your baby in your womb right now. She is increasing your stress which raises your cortisol levels, blood pressure and heart rate and that of your baby. This will have developmental impact on your baby - you might well have an anxious, fretful baby. Don’t let her do this to you and your baby.

My MiL gave it the impression coming to the hospital whether you like
It or not'
I had it in my birth plan that no one was allowed to visit other than husband and I again mentioned it when I went in to be induced.
The wards for maternity are heavily protected. Visitors have to press an intercom button and wait to be spoken too...they have to say who they are there to see. They will only be buzzed in if you have agreed to the visit.
Put it in your birth plan and tell them as you arrive to ensure you have no unexpected visitors.

Your midwife should be aware of MH issues and they are really good (mine was) and asking how you are/worried etc. tell them and be honest about your mum and her threats of taking baby off of you, being overbearing and pushy. Trust me, the midwifes won't take any shit and will look after you if they know what is happening.

Don't let her bully her way into appointments etc. she has no right to be apart of any of them. I would never of paid for a scan for my step father to see. They would be given the pics to look at after, but that's as far as I would go. It's not their baby.

She is taking advantage of your vulnerabilities whilst pregnant. When yo I have baby, you're more vulnerable and hormonal, let alone in pain and sleep deprived. You need to put her in her place before babe arrived. She will ruin this time for you otherwise, compromise your MH and make you put her above your baby. He is your priority now. Not some batshit crazy narc.

Good luck OP

Tell her to fuck off and stay well away from her

As @12345kbm said, I think you're struggling with the 'child' mindset, and I know how that feels as I have done the same in the past with both my mother and my stbxh - that overwhelming helpless feeling that other people are calling the shots and your only option is to follow. When people are entitled bulldozers, it's really hard sometimes to remember that you are an adult in charge of your own life. If it feels too hard to find your own voice with your mother (which I get completely and struggle with to this day) then, as pp suggested, line up an army of advocates who can help you e.g. medical staff, husband. Good for you for seeing clearly that your mental health is absolutely not a valid reason for your mother's behaviour. At any rate, I'm guessing, as in my case, that your mental health would have been much less of an issue in your life if you were not raised by a rampant narcissist

Omg. She sounds insane and actually abusive!
If it was me I'd find my spine and stand up to her. If she can't listen she needs to live without you.
I would love as far away as possible and not speak to her again. I'd probably go no contact because what she says is actually abusive and there's obviously no talking to her. At the very least low low low contact.
You say you're trying to avoid stress but she is the one massive stress factor. You'd be much more relaxed without her in your life.
But then you don't want to do that so there's really nor much you can do other than tell her no. But she has told you she's going to do whatever she wants to YOUR child. She knows it's wrong because she says you'll probably turn against her after the baby is born thereby covering her tracks and making you feel like the bad person. When in reality any person would turn their back on someone trying to take their baby essentially! She knows this.
She's got a good grip on you. I'd urge you to go to therapy to work through this toxic relationship. Xx

I agree with a PP, put it in your birth plan that you don’t want her at the hospital. If I were you I’d start standing up to her though, I know it’s hard (been there myself) but I can imagine it will only get worse

You've had some excellent advice on here.

But the main thing to remember it's not about you and your mum anymore, you have a baby to protect now.

So get your strength from that whenever you say no to her.

Long term you need to go NC.

She's toxic.

I remember your previous thread and I’m so sorry your narc mother is stressing you out.
I agree with others who say you need to be assesrtibe and go low/no contact. At least until she gets the message. Xx

I have noticed on MN that people quite often reveal exactly how they are feeling in the TITLE of their opening post and then they go on to explain and sometimes there's a fair bit of rowing back. In your case you said you cannot cop with her. You can't. Most normal people wouldn't be able to. She is escalating because you are about to become even more vulnerable. In labour/with a young baby. Please be your own best friend and cut contact. She sounds diagnosable. Think what her escalating right now says about her! She should be supporting you not goading you. Horrific.

That’s an insightful comment @HairyString.

Thanks Herocomplex I just feel so sorry for this OP. You can tell she is not used to narcs and the whole toxicity thing. It's a tough old road. My sister is a grade 9. I went NC fifteen years ago. We only see each other at funerals now and she will always come up to me and the first thing out of her mouth will be something she has clearly stored up for the last however long and always a targetted nasty put down. She doesn't give a damn who else is nearby. She just lets rip. her daughter has learned well from her mother too. They can't help it and they can't see how they are themselves either. Neither of them have any friends and her husband always looks pained and embarrassed. Leaving them in the rear view mirror is the only way. I can spot one a mile off now!

I’m sorry to hear that, I have a similar experience. Not an easy road but a lot more peaceful and healthy than continuing with the nonsense that narcs bring into your life.