I don't understand my mum's behaviour and I can't cope with it

[ChickenDippers123]

I've posted here a few times about my relationship with my mum, but I kind of just need to vent because I don't have anyone else to talk to and could really do with some words of encouragement.

If you remember, I'm the one who had to pay for a scan for my stepdad because he wouldn't come to one with my partner. I tried to cancel it and say I couldn't afford it but I was guilt-tripped and ignored and I just couldn't be bothered with the hassle so I ended up taking him and ending up in my overdraft because they wouldn't give me any money towards it.

I'm also the one who she called a 'horrible human being' and a 'silly little girl' because I suggested my MIL buy a pram as she had been struggling with money. When I told her how upset it had made me she said I was chatting 'bullshit'.

Today she's dropped over for a coffee, and it's like everything she said made it seem like it was her pregnancy.

I'm 30+1 now. Today, she told me I was ridiculous for not wanting anyone to kiss my newborn baby and that she would be doing so whether I like it or not, and if I don't like it I'll have to buy a hat for him to wear around her to stop her doing it.

She then said that whether I like it or not, she would be waiting at the hospital while I have my C-Section, even though I wanted it to be just me and my partner.

She's then said again that she doesn't care what I think, she will be the first person to hold my baby asides from me and the dad.

She's then said she thinks I'm going to turn against her when the baby is here, which I said I'm not, to which she said if I do, she won't be 'nice about it'.

Then, she went onto say how she feels left out of my pregnancy because my partner goes to all my appointments and scans with me and she doesn't get to be involved (even though she's been to two scans) and went onto say how she was upset grandparents don't have rights because she should have grandparental rights to my child.

She has also brought up that she thinks it's a good idea that I sign over some rights to her because I have mental health issues (which have been controlled for years, and I'm doing just fine) and if I was to be hospitalised she would want to look after the baby. I have said no to this and I am sticking to this. I don't want her having any rights to my child.

How the hell do I deal with all of this? I just sat there in disbelief as she went on and on and on, and as soon as she got home she tagged me in a picture of parents who overreact to being a parent (aka me with the no kissing thing).

It's hard to go no contact because of how nasty she will be and I really can't deal with it.

If I go really low contact she will accuse me of turning on her and cutting her out.

If I lie about the C-Section date she will be furious because she will no doubt find out and it will ruin the arrival of my son.

What can I realistically do here?

I dont think that there is any other solution other than to go NC. She sounds undeniably toxic.

OP ask yourself this? What is the worst that she could do?

You have a really good partner and a new baby soon, yet she has convinced you that they are not enough and you need her.

I have a toxic mother so I do understand how difficult this is. This woman will steal those precious moments away from you when your baby is here and it will affect your MH so badly.

I dont believe a letter will be the best thing. It will only infuriate her and ramp up her toxic behavior.

She is a controlling vile narcissistic excuse of a mother and low contact is not enough. No contact for your sake and that of your baby in terms of happiness and wellbeing I think is what is needed. It's hard to go no contact, it's awful needing to do it (I'm no contact with my dad and very very low contact as in not seen in three years with my MIL) but your own mental health comes first and she is systematically wrecking yours.

Don't write a letter. She will use it as ammunition against you. It will be all over Facebook. Don't give her an opportunity to create drama, the less you say to her the better. Work out some unambiguous unemotional stock phrases and use them repeatedly.

Agree with pp. It sounds very much like yu are in fear of your mother's reactions. Well, plan and manage them in advance by getting others in board.

Think she will turn others against you? Difficult people are rarely do only in isolation. They make you feel like that, but others will have noticed. It's fine to speak to others and say 'I'm finding it I creasjngly difficult to deal with mum, the way she talks to me makes me feel uncomfortable. Do you find that?' coukd open the conversation, see how the land lies. Even pave the way for a later statement 'I need some time away from her, I'm finding that she's being a bit critical/difficult/overwhelming etc.

Hate to break it to her, but the surgeon doing the CS will be the first person to hold the baby, then he will be passed to the person who is going to check him over, and maybe someone else will get their hands on him, before he even gets to you or your DP.
She sounds terrible - no wonder you have anxiety!
I think you need to go nuclear on this - no contact.
No point writing a letter - she will ignore it, or pass it around to ridicule you. She will never be the mother you want, and she will never be a good grandparent - none is better than an awful abusive one.
I hope when baby is here you will be brave for him if you can't be for you! Be that protective tiger.

Typos sorry

You sound to me as if you are fearful of her. Fearful of what she might do and afraid of what she might say. Sadly thats no relationship.
Great advice from other posters.....get your medical professionals on board, request their help re keeping her at distance. I’d be telling her your C-section date has been changed, and then before she can cause any further trouble strictly limit contact. Keep door locked so she can’t waltz in, her arrogance re your baby is mind blowing! Thank heavens your partner is supportive of you as regards your Mother. She sounds just awful, definitely what you don’t need during pregnancy. Somehow garner your courage and start as you mean to go on. Yes, it’ll be really hard, but what have you got now is hard, and this nonsense WILL continue if you let it. Old saying, if nothing changes, nothing changes’. Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy, but I really would be amending the date of yr baby’s arrival, well as far as yr Mothers concerned at any rate.

Under no circumstances write a letter, It would be weaponised instantly. You need to go totally no contact. It sounds awful but her behaviour is atrocious OP! You will never manage somelike this with low contact because she will store it all up fro when she does see you. Seriously, for your own mental health stop contact. Don't tell her you are doing it. Just do it. Move away even. I would be getting away from someone like this. She is not treating you with even the most basic common decency. She is treating you as if you have no agency at all and just a commodity.

If you remember, I'm the one who had to pay for a scan for my stepdad because he wouldn't come to one with my partner. I tried to cancel it and say I couldn't afford it but I was guilt-tripped and ignored and I just couldn't be bothered with the hassle so I ended up taking him and ending up in my overdraft because they wouldn't give me any money towards it.

I cannot believe you are still entertaining this weirdo Step Father and cruel Mother... despite your Partners protestations....

Nothing anyone says on her will stop you pandering to these people, so why bother asking all this advice... You are not going to listen to any of it...

Are the rest of the family any help or do they enable her?

I would write a letter or email. If it goes all over Facebook, good, everyone sees the evidence that you politely asked her to leave you alone.

Wow this is shocking. It’s an abusive and controlling relationship. Do you see that. She sounds absolutely toxic. If it helps I stopped contact with my mother after years of her being cold, critical and just generally a nightmare. It’s the best thing I did. It was over ten years ago and I honestly haven’t missed her. I hope you have the strength to deal with her and protect your baby. 💐

No, don't write a letter, she will forensically examine it for anything she can use against you and she will reply to it phrase by phrase, twisting whatever you said in it.

I know it's much easier said than done but I think you need to speak to your midwife as soon as you can, explain that your mother has a pattern of emotionally abusive behaviour towards you, and that she is not to be allowed in while you're having your section.

I would be telling the family members all about her behaviour..
The only letter she needs is from a solicitor telling her to stay away..
I say this as being nc with my dm and threatening her with one if she didn't stop contacting me and dc..

Let her know this is not a discussion. This is your baby, these are your decisions.

Tell her the consequences of continuing to push, then follow through.

For example:
Her: I will kiss your baby
You: no
Her: yes
You: this is not a discussion, if you cannot agree to follow my lead you will not see my baby

Her: continues to argue
You: hang up, walk away, whatever, end the encounter.

Her: pesters
You: block her, shut the door, call the police if it comes to that.

She either plays by your rules or not at all. Yes, you may lose her, but it's that or let her be in charge forever. She may send in the flying monkeys, you may have to go NC with them too.

For what it's worth I had this with my mum. Over my (now) husband rather than my baby. I didn't speak to her for 6 months

She's rewritten history and now loves him, she realised I wasn't giving in.

She was a bit silly with stuff like this before DD was born - 'I will buy a cot so she can stay with me', etc. Much easier to shut down the second time around. Just told her she could do what she liked but it would be a waste of money since that was never happening.

She didn't visit until DD was 5 days and I made her stay in a hotel! Some think I'm harsh but I knew I couldn't deal with her immediately post partum.

She's almost normal now, but it's been a long road.

I have no idea why you continue to choose to have anything to do with her.

Tell the hospital that she is absolutely not to be allowed access to the ward.

Don't bother writing her a letter, you know she'll just kick off.

You know there's no middle road on this. You either choose to allow her behaviour to continue by doing things like take your SD to scans against your will etc

Or

You go NC.

There's no third option, it's obvious.

Wait, do you tell her about your appointments? Why?

I didn’t understand the references to step dad and scans as we’ve not met before - so to speak.

I know someone who went NC with her mother after having the baby. Something about the baby arriving made her think “hang on, it’s not just me who needs protecting here”.

My partner is not happy with her behaviour at all but barely sees her as she usuallly comes over when he's not there

She's a coward as well as abusive then, isn't she?

Do you own or rent your home, if you rent try and move and don't let her know where to.
Don't let her know the date of your C-section. Ask the staff to stop her coming to visit.
Please for the love for your child and partner go no contact, as she will take over your life with your baby. She has already
caused upset for you.

With regards to the c section date id say a few days later and then say you went in as you were worried re something (lack of movement maybe) they decided to do it there and then.

@ChickenDippers123 you were told on the last thread this would never get better.
Well.....it's not for better, has it?

So you've two choices.
Crack on as it is now and post on here every month about how she's ruined you and your baby's bonding in the first year, how it's brought in PND and hundreds of other shit scenarios.

Or go NC.
And enjoy your child with your husband.
So what if your family turn against you? If they do, they weren't worth fighting for anyway.

You are going to be a mother. Your CHILD is your priority now. You need to protect them.
Not be writing letters and letting your mum do whatever she likes because it's 'easier'.

I understand why you carry on, you’re thinking and hoping that your mum will one day treat you like a daughter should be treated. You’re desperately afraid of her and longing for her love.

I cannot tell you in a gentle way, I’m sorry. She only cares about herself.

Please look at the Out of The Fog website and come to the Stately Homes thread. You deserve a life free of this control and abuse.

It sounds terrifying but you’re frightened of her anyway, time to find your boundaries.

OP you're stuck in a child mindset with your mother. When she speaks to you, you hear it as a powerless child who can't do anything but nod and go along with things.

You're an adult now. You're having a baby. You're a mother now. You need to start behaving like a grown up here. This woman does not dictate to you how your pregnancy goes or who is with your or whatever the hell else she is demanding.

You are in control of your pregnancy, you are in control of your birth and your husband is behind you. This is your family now. You, your husband and your baby. You are no longer a small child terrified of doing something 'wrong'.

Set some boundaries and tell her the consequences. 'I've decided that it's just myself and Partner at the birth mum. It's really kind of you to offer, but we're going to be ok.'

'But....'

'I understand you're concerned and that's really kind of you but we've decided that it's going to be just us. Thanks though, it's great to have your support.'

Assertive and polite is all you need. Rinse and repeat.