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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dont know what he's doing with me

64 replies

Mum002 · 12/02/2020 11:17

So ive been with my partner for 2 years. At the beginning we had the usual talks about what we want from life. He knew then i wanted more kids and marriage and to, at some point save for a mortgage.

I already have a ds to a previous relationship. But i want a couple more. My now partner and i got pregnant a few months into our relationship (unplanned but wanted) baby is now born. But our relationship doesn't seem to be making any progress. I have mentioned that i would like another baby nexr year. I dont want there to be a massive gap between this baby and the next. He has now told me he wants to wait a while for another baby, but i dont want to wait.

He has no intention of marrying me and a mortgage is totally off the cards too. He hasnt said it but his excuse is always about money. But these are things people save for. I feel like theres more to it than he is letting on.

I feel like i am putting my life on hold for a man that will never go half way with me to make life complete. I have tried talking to him but he doesn't talk about anything. I feel so lost and frustrated.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

YouNeedToCalmDown · 13/02/2020 09:18

Do you live together?

I think you need to decide what your dealbreakers are. Otherwise you could end up with three children and an unsupportive partner.

Original poster

Mum002 · 13/02/2020 09:23

Yes we live together. So i had a conversation with him last night about it and he has a new excuse.. Time! I understand things take time but i dont think it does any harm to have goals, something to work towards.

OP posts:

Darkpinkblue · 13/02/2020 09:27

This sounds so similar to a friend's situation. Her bf won't actual committ, she gave up on him proposing a d is now trying for a baby
I'm now sure why you'd have, let alone another baby with this man?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/02/2020 09:39

You said yourself the first baby happened quickly and wasn't planned.

It's only been two years. Most people aren't even trying for their first after two years together. Slow down a bit.

Do you both work? If so, a mortgage is the logical first step, before another baby.

Original poster

Mum002 · 13/02/2020 09:41

I love him. I asked him at what point of a relationship does he think these things should be talked about and he said not 2 years in. I guess hes not sure about me. Because when you know you want these things with someone you go for it and work towards it. I can only assume im not good enoigh for him and im not what he wants for his future. Somethings holding him back.

OP posts:

Bluerussian · 13/02/2020 09:44

Your youngest child, the one you have together, can't be very old as you and partner have only been together two years, therefore it isn't unreasonable that he wants to wait longer. You have an older child too, a brother or sister to your baby, why the rush?

JKScot4 · 13/02/2020 09:46

Please don’t have another baby with him, if he won’t even consider saving for a house/wedding you’re wasting your time. Don’t put yourself down.

Original poster

Mum002 · 13/02/2020 09:50

Im not rushing. I didnt mean i wanted another baby right now. I just meant i wanted another before too much time passes. I also dont think im being unreasonable wanting to know if he is ever going to commit. As it is at the minute hes happy enough having it all done for him and not actually make any plans for the future.

OP posts:

Troels · 13/02/2020 09:56

I love him. I asked him at what point of a relationship does he think these things should be talked about and he said not 2 years in.

Well that ship sailed when you had a baby together and moved in together so ealry on didn't it.
This does need talking about and planning now not in a few years when he's go even more comfy and you are parenting even more children.
Sounds like he isn't interested in marriage and house buying with you.
Chances are he would have not planned a baby so soon either but that was taken out of his hands.

Peignoir · 13/02/2020 10:04

You're moving way too fast. I think you need to slow down. I can actually see why he's blowing cold. You had a child from a previous relationship, fell pregnant a few months into a relationship and now you're mentioning mortgages and more children. Where's the previous father and does he contribute? Are you both financially able to have more kinds on top of a mortgage ....?

Original poster

Mum002 · 13/02/2020 10:08

I had my first 11 years ago and he also has one at 12. And yes he does contribute.
We both work full time.

OP posts:

Buggedandconfused · 13/02/2020 10:09

I think you are looking for signs of his ‘commitment’ by asking for another baby and regarding mortgage & marriage. I agree, I would want these things too - but I think you need to slow down a bit... save your own money by all means for a mortgage and tell hi you are doing so. Give yourself a mental deadline, say of this time next year. Stop pressuring him. If he’s not meeting your needs in a partnership this time next year then reassess.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/02/2020 10:09

It's ok for him not to want any more kids at the moment. It's not ok to refuse to discuss your future sensibly.

Buggedandconfused · 13/02/2020 10:10

And gawd, no wonder he doesn’t want another child, you have 3 between you! It’s expensive having kids, no wonder he’s worried about money.

Original poster

Mum002 · 13/02/2020 10:14

I am not saying i want these things right now. As i said before i dont think im being unreasonable wanting to know if there is a future.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mum002 · 13/02/2020 10:20

So tell me then how this all happens for other couples. Do all women sit and wait for a man to decide when they should get married or buy a house. Do all women sit and wait for a mans body to get over the previous labour they went through.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/02/2020 10:22

@Mum002 women choose to have families with men who respect them as equals.

Billben · 13/02/2020 10:27

And gawd, no wonder he doesn’t want another child, you have 3 between you! It’s expensive having kids, no wonder he’s worried about money.

Fully agree with this. I’m guessing the mortgage is off the cards because the poor sod knows that it will be difficult to save for with 4 kids in tow.

Your priorities shouldn’t be about having as many kids as you want with a person you haven’t even known for that long when you don’t even own the roof over your head.

And yes, I don’t know what he’s doing with you either to be honest. 🙄

Walnutwhipster · 13/02/2020 10:37

If you've any sense you don't wait for a man to decide but make mutually beneficial decisions together. You wait for that show of commitment, for me it was a house and marriage.

Original poster

Mum002 · 13/02/2020 10:39

So im in the wrong for wanting to plan a future

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/02/2020 10:43

Nobody has said you're in the wrong for wanting to plan a future. The most sensible thing to do is plan your future.
He can decide if he wants to be a part of that.

SwishSwishSheesh · 13/02/2020 10:47

No, I imagine women don't sit and wait, they talk to their partners and make a mutual decision. You can't force someone to have a child, never mind a third child.

I don't understand him either tbh. He doesn't want to be married and get a mortgage but had a child with you already? Doesn't seem to be a reliable type so why would you want to bring another kid into the equation? It's all a bit selfish from both sides.

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/02/2020 10:49

Like many men he’s demonstrating quite clearly that he doesn’t want a future with you. He didn’t make a conscious decision to have a child with you, although to be fair, he should have taken steps to prevent that happening. Stop wasting any more time or hope on him. It isn’t going to happen.

FlowerArranger · 13/02/2020 10:49

It seems to be all about what YOU want. Almost like any man would do if he gave you a baby.

Time to get real: this man does not want another child with you, he doesn't want (or cannot afford?) a mortgage, and he doesnt want to marry you. From what you wrote I get no sense of a close relationship or a real partnership.

In your shoes I would not make any life-defining decisions on the assumption that he'll stay with you till in the long term. I would focus on being self-sufficient and being able to provide for the children you already have.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2020 10:51

Do all women sit and wait for a man to decide when they should get married or buy a house

Well not to stick the boot in, but a lot of women expect an equal say in marriage and mortgages and double on contraception till they know their partner is on the same page before getting pregnant, especially in a blended situation with one or more existing children. As is often said, marriage is a commitment to each other. Having a child is a commitment to the child. But sadly a lot of men don’t even do that and can leave their babies/children without a backward glance if they’re not committed to the mother.

What options do you think you have now?

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