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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont know what he's doing with me

64 replies

Mum002 · 12/02/2020 11:17

So ive been with my partner for 2 years. At the beginning we had the usual talks about what we want from life. He knew then i wanted more kids and marriage and to, at some point save for a mortgage.

I already have a ds to a previous relationship. But i want a couple more. My now partner and i got pregnant a few months into our relationship (unplanned but wanted) baby is now born. But our relationship doesn't seem to be making any progress. I have mentioned that i would like another baby nexr year. I dont want there to be a massive gap between this baby and the next. He has now told me he wants to wait a while for another baby, but i dont want to wait.

He has no intention of marrying me and a mortgage is totally off the cards too. He hasnt said it but his excuse is always about money. But these are things people save for. I feel like theres more to it than he is letting on.

I feel like i am putting my life on hold for a man that will never go half way with me to make life complete. I have tried talking to him but he doesn't talk about anything. I feel so lost and frustrated.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 13/02/2020 10:55

You became pregnant two months into the relationship. He doesn’t want more children, marriage or a mortgage.

I wouldn’t push for more children with someone who doesn’t want to commit/may feel trapped.

puds11 · 13/02/2020 11:01

Hmmm I’d think if he really wanted these things it would be happening. I was married within 4 months of engagement because that is what we both wanted.

To be honest though, if I were supporting 3 children, wanted a mortgage and marriage, a fourth baby would be very far from my mind!

Emijen · 13/02/2020 11:01

Why do you want another child if you have 3 between you already? You’ve only been together for 2 years

Bagofoldbones · 13/02/2020 11:05

You’ve given him everything already.

Baby
Home together

I bet you do all the chores and cooking too,

Your already playing wife so what incentive has he got to make it official? He can keep it this way and it not cost him a penny.

My friend is in the same situation. She is gorgeous and lovely and a real catch. She had a dd to her partner. They’ve been with each other eight years and still no engagement ring. Dh asked him last year if he was gonna get married ‘nah not for me was his response. Hmm

Original poster
Mum002 · 13/02/2020 11:13

It isnt all about what i want. All i have done is talk and let him know what i want from life. I have also asked him the same. So that if we arent on the same level he has every opportunity to walk away so we can each be with people who are right for us. I have never demanded anything from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum002 · 13/02/2020 11:17

It isnt all about what i want. Yes i hace voiced what i want but i have also asked him what he wants. Its only a conversation every couple should have. So that if we arent on the same level he has every opportunity to walk away and we can each be with people who are right for us. I have never demanded anything from him. I moved out of my home house years ago he made the choice to move in with me he was never forced into anything.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 13/02/2020 11:18

He's saying he wants to wait. If you don't want to, you walk.

I think you are asking for a lot. You've a small baby, you want another and a mortgage.

Your relationship moved so fast, do you think he feels trapped and that's why he is holding out? Pregnant within months, you didn't even know each other and now you are tied together forever.

Original poster
Mum002 · 13/02/2020 11:27

I didnt make the baby by myself he also had a role to play in that. I didnt trap him. Hes has been given more opportunities than enough to walk away. I have raised one before and i can raise another with or without a man i have no doubts about that, so no he has no need to ever feel trapped.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2020 11:58

If you don’t like the relationship and where it’s heading, as you don’t think you’ll get what you want, then why don’t you end it? You’re being very passive. That’s why nothing is changing. He’s fine as things are. Why would he leave or make any changes?

PickAChew · 13/02/2020 12:07

Do you really love him or just your idealised version of him?

Cheeseandwin5 · 13/02/2020 12:19

I think Posters are forgetting that there are children involved and just walking away is not as easy, when you have no money or savings.
To be honest I can see his side, look at all the responsibilities you have, three children between and no savings.
You have been together two years and have had your lives turn upside down and round and round in that time.
You need to put having another child on the back burner, first build up your relationship with your partner and also your savings. Dont talk about babies or mortgages and other future costs, but focus on having money in the bank.
Once you are all in a more secure position, you can then talk about the next step of adding to your family.

Original poster
Mum002 · 13/02/2020 12:41

This is my point. Talk then save. But thats not even an option and its not because he cant, its because he wont.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 13/02/2020 12:56

He's responsible for a DP and three children including a baby.

Maybe he just wants to catch his breath, gather his thoughts and give the family time to settle before thinking further into the future.

A lot has happened in 2 years, perhaps he's simply telling to you he's not ready to think about the future yet, the present is quite enough of a challenge?

After 2 years, most couples are still getting to know each other. I'd stop talking about the future if i were you, and concentrate on enjoying the right now.

Original poster
Mum002 · 13/02/2020 13:07

In other words continue doing the duites of a wife on a girlfriend contract and dont say another word about it.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 13/02/2020 13:28

In other words continue doing the duites of a wife on a girlfriend contract and dont say another word about it.

Well no. You don’t have to do this. It’s your choice. You have the option to tell him that you want some demonstrable commitment or you're off. You don’t have to wait around passively, hoping for him to decide your future.

RantyAnty · 13/02/2020 13:49

I think deep down you know the answer.

He doesn't want to. He likes things as they are now.

You said it is your home he moved into. You've tried to talk to him about these things. He refuses to. I take it you both aren't early 20s. You always hear men say, when they know, they know and they don't faff around for years in limbo.

Just tell him to move out. Simple as that. You don't have to wait for him to decide anything. He already has but he just isn't coming right out and saying it. I'm sure he likes the benefits you give to him. Cooking, cleaning, chores, sex on tap. He isn't going to give that up unless he meets someone else or some other reason.

Just tell him to move out. If he's serious. He can move back in after the wedding.

Original poster
Mum002 · 13/02/2020 14:30

Hes in his 30s im late 20s. I was always under the impression when a man knows he knows. I guess thats why my sibblings are married and have houses each and already planned to have kids/more kids.

Well he says hes setting up his savings account tomorrow. My sibblings had this already done soon after they met their dh because they knew they were with the ones they wanted to be with for life.

Deep down i reckon he doesnt see anything with me, hes happy where hes at for now til someone else comes along that ticks all his boxes. I personally dont think its fair that hes holding me in this relationship if that is what hes doing. I have asked him to leave before and he said he doesnt want to go so he never does leave.

OP posts:
Hepsibar · 13/02/2020 14:30

Sounds like it's babies or mortgage ... how many have you got altogether? Can you support them timewise through their education and teen years or do you just love babies and more babies?

vixfromthestix · 13/02/2020 14:36

Rather than asking him to leave perhaps you should tell him to? Stop giving him a choice over this; either he gives you what you want or he leaves/you leave, but either way the relationship is terminated and you find what you want from someone else. If he doesn't want to give you what you want that doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes him not right for you. Stop putting this all at his feet.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/02/2020 14:37

He's setting up his savings account - great. Is yours set up?

Newnamewhodis1 · 13/02/2020 14:42

Three kids and you're not even 30 yet. Isn't that enough?

Original poster
Mum002 · 13/02/2020 14:43

Mine has been set up for some time, because with or without a man i was going to buy a house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum002 · 13/02/2020 14:45

@Newnamewhodis1 one of those isnt mine.

OP posts:
Newnamewhodis1 · 13/02/2020 14:50

Still your family though isn't it. Or don't you count his kids??

You sound about 16.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/02/2020 14:55

Good on you @Mum002!
Don't let him buy a house with you until he contributes his half!