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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sahm is ‘easy’ apparently. Unsupportive partner

52 replies

Mamato2ruandbrad · 11/02/2020 22:51

I’m feeling pretty sad tonight to be honest.

It popped up in conversation about working full time or being at home with the children. HE ALWAYS has the impression that it’s easier than a days work. Now as I always say to him, I appreciate it’s hard going to work 5 days a week, BUT a parents job (or mother’s job in my case) is NEVER finished. His shift starts & it ends, he gets to go to the gym before work or after work, he doesn’t ask he just goes.

Me on the other hand, If I want to meet a friend without the kids I ask. I’m at home with my children, to physically look after them is fine - you know a nappy change or a feed, or preparing my toddlers lunch, that’s all fine. It’s everything else that comes with it, the endless list of housework, the isolation, the sense of loss of yourself.

To top it off, he won’t have the children for even an hour yet (our second child is 6 weeks old) why you ask? Because in his words ‘I don’t think I will cope with the 2 of them by myself’. But he has the audacity to me that ‘being at home is easy’.

In fact even when I used to work part time before going on maternity leave all I used to hear was ‘you ONLY work 2 days a week’. So so fed up. I just want to cry, being a mum is so hard sometimes, especially when you feel your own partner won’t back you.

OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 11/02/2020 22:59

He sounds like an arse OP

Immaback · 11/02/2020 23:02
Shock Some men are just clueless. I agree it’s much much MUCH harder being at home all day. I’m back working full time and although it’s stressful juggling the two “jobs” it’s still easier than being home all day for sure. I did take almost a full year mat leave for both so know how you’re feeling...it does get easier as time goes by. Don’t let him get away with not doing time solo with the two of them though that’s such a cop out!!
frazzledasarock · 11/02/2020 23:02

What are the good things about having him in your life?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/02/2020 23:04

He cant have it both ways - it's easy for you to spend all day at home, but too difficult for him for an hour? Is he saying he is a shit parent or you're a superhuman one? I'd say next time if it's so easy, he can take a week of annual leave while you temp for a week to help family finances. And you wont be rushing home because you've been working, or doing any housework either. See how long he lasts

AgentCooper · 11/02/2020 23:05

Jesus OP, I could hug you. That’s horrible. I work 3 days and maternity leave was so much harder. So much. There is no let up, no annual leave, no trotting down to Pret for lunch, no sneaking in a spin class.

My DH and I argue about this too. He has had 2 year old DS on his own for the day twice in his whole life. He doesn’t have a clue. No advice but real solidarity Flowers

TreeClimbingCat · 11/02/2020 23:06

I don’t think I will cope with the 2 of them by myself

That is because he has a choice, why aren't you leaving him to cope with 2 children by himself? After all he leaves you every day to do it. Go out for a few hours or tuck yourself away somewhere, bedroom, in the bath, and be off duty for a bit.

And yes I am a SAHM but I have a totally supportive Dh who wanted to be left with the children so he could do it himself as he loved spending time with them, even when it was difficult.

Mamato2ruandbrad · 11/02/2020 23:08

Oh I’m just sat here in tears to be honest, I just feel like nothing I do is good enough :( I just don’t understand why he feels the need to say that.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 11/02/2020 23:10

I would just tell him this weekend that he is looking after both of them for a few hours , no argument no discussion. Remind him they are his children too and you need to recharge your batteries and have a little break. Hopefully after he has had a tiny insight into your day he won't be so judgemental , dismissive and rude.

VodselForDinner · 11/02/2020 23:10

Is there any reason you won’t be going back to work full time?

You don’t mention that you’re married and your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a dick so I won’t be putting myself into a vulnerable, wageless, pensionless position to provide him with free childcare.

Mamato2ruandbrad · 11/02/2020 23:17

(Sorry I’m new to this I don’t know how to reply to comments)
VodselForDinner ; I’m only 6 weeks into my maternity leave, so not looking to go back into full time work right now. I will be at some point in the future when my children are older. Don’t worry I’m never fully relying on no man

OP posts:
poopbear · 11/02/2020 23:19

Well he’s just contradicting himself isn’t he and being a total arsehole, you should be explaining firmly to him that he’d best get used to having both because if he doesn’t change his tone he’ll be doing it all weekend, every other weekend while you take yourself off to a spa and chill out and start online dating to find somebody who does appreciate you. Fucking wanker. Don’t put up with this shit OP. So many deluded entitled wankers around. Shame for them we’ve got mumsnet. Let me tell you right now, every friend of mine who has been through this shit and the dad is now an ex, is much happier and gets time to themselves and they ALL have new fellas who fucking appreciate them.

Mamato2ruandbrad · 11/02/2020 23:20

@TreeClimbingCat I guess I don’t leave him with them because I worry the kids won’t be looked after in the same way, he won’t even change our daughters nappy. He’s done 2 in 6 & a half weeks. I just feel like I’m doing a hell of a lot of work just for him to keep knocking me

OP posts:
poopbear · 11/02/2020 23:22

Somebody who won’t change their kids nappy is quite frankly disgusting. He doesn’t get to do that and talk to you the way he does. Stand up to him.

Mamato2ruandbrad · 11/02/2020 23:22

@poopbear

Oh honestly I’ve tried a few times to leave, but I just feel like I can’t :( I worry what’ll happen if I leave him, I worry no one will want to be with me or that I won’t cope, and I worry he will be an awkward ex partner & it’ll be shit for the children :(

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 11/02/2020 23:24

What do you get out of this relationship, really? Just leave

Mamato2ruandbrad · 11/02/2020 23:27

@GrumpyHoonMain

Well it’s easier said than done isn’t it :( We do have good times together. Nothings ever 100% bad. & I’d like to think things could be different, but I can’t act on his behalf can I :( So perhaps I need to be brave & deal with this by walking away

OP posts:
Mamato2ruandbrad · 11/02/2020 23:32

@frazzledasarock Honestly, when you put it like that; not a lot. But when we do have good times, they’re really good. This is why it’s so so hard to walk away. He’s my first ever proper boyfriend, the first person I truly thought cared about me. I got with him when I was 17, will be turning 23 this year - so it’s a long time. My heart aches for my children too, I never wanted them to grow up in a broken home like I did

OP posts:
Mamato2ruandbrad · 11/02/2020 23:35

@AgentCooper

Thank you, an air hug will do 🥺 It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one who has struggled❤️

OP posts:
Commonwasher · 11/02/2020 23:38

Full time motherhood is relentless. Absolutely, it’s incredibly hard work. xxx no wonder you are emotional, you must be knackered. I went back to work for a rest! He gets a weekend, lunch hour, an evening, sick pay and paid holiday....

If he worries he cannot cope alone with 2 children he has no right to say you have the ‘easy’ option.

I think the best thing to do right now is say that you are beginning a new gym regime, and that, like him, you will go everyday for an hour. Don’t ask, he is not doing you a favour, he is coparenting his own children. This is the bare minimum.

So when he gets home from work, at whatever time, you hand over the kids with a note of their routine if he needs it and leave the house for 1 hour plus whatever travelling time you need.

Whether you go to the gym or sit in a cafe or visit a friend or mooch round a shop is no matter. A week of doing and hour or so solo will enlighten him as to what 8-9hrs solo parenting might feel like. And also in an hour there is not much which can go wrong, if he doesn’t change the nappy it is not like bsby will have a smelly bottom all night. He will learn — and you will get some space.

Just make sure you don’t do everything for him in advance of leaving.

Andsbk · 11/02/2020 23:46

One of my friends she got sick and tired of her husband saying all the time that she stay at home and is very easy and she "got very sick" she didn't take her medication (I know she was suffering from something but I forgot the name) and she stay in hospital 2 days and 2 nights.
Husband he deal by himself with 2 under 2 for the first time...
After she come back from hospital he never said anything to her 💞❤️🌸

Andsbk · 11/02/2020 23:49

P. S
Her husband he never spent more than 30 min by himself with the kids so was a huge deal that she was not there... 🙄

Flamingnora123 · 11/02/2020 23:58

Ah yes, another one who believes in the mystery magical mum powers! We birth them and at that exact point we are bestowed with powers that enable us to manage multiple children and everyday life with serenity and finesse. WHY DO THEY THINK THIS?? It's every bit as hard for us as it is for them but we just suck it up and work it out. Don't ask him, just leave the kids with him and tell him that's how you learned to deal with them. Suck it up buttercup. Then stay out for days, just because he's an arse.

AgentJohnson · 12/02/2020 06:21

I just don’t understand why he feels the need to say that.

Because he’s an arse. However, his attitude isn’t your greatest problem. Your greatest problem is that you are choosing to hide in a relationship that is damaging your self worth. Not only are you hiding, but your making it harder for yourself to leave by having another child.

There isn’t a more supportive version of him waiting around the corner and given his lack of interest in looking after his children when you are on hand 24/7, what are the odds he will want to do it if you ltb?

There’s nothing wrong with being a SAHP but having children with this man was a mistake, don’t compound it by trapping yourself further.

Fairylea · 12/02/2020 06:31

He sounds just like my dds dad - I left him when she was 6 months old, she’s 17 now. Never regretted it. I had her when I was 22 and looking back i was so young and wanted the whole fairytale thing 2 parent family but he was just an unsupportive arsehole (we were together since we were 17/18 too, I never thought he’d behave the way he did!)

I am now nearly 40 and happily remarried and have another child, now 7. I realise how awful things were when dd was a baby - please don’t put up with this. It isn’t a loving partnership. No respect, no love or support. You deserve better.

TreeClimbingCat · 12/02/2020 07:13

He is making you feel crap so that you won't leave. I get the feeling that you think if I just do this or that he will praise me and I will feel loved. If you were completely worthless he would have left. He hasn't because you are his emotional punching bag.

You are young enough to be my daughter and I feel for you, 2 children by 23. How old is he?

Do you have any family or friends to support you?

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