Sahm is ‘easy’ apparently. Unsupportive partner

[Mamato2ruandbrad]

I’m feeling pretty sad tonight to be honest.

It popped up in conversation about working full time or being at home with the children. HE ALWAYS has the impression that it’s easier than a days work. Now as I always say to him, I appreciate it’s hard going to work 5 days a week, BUT a parents job (or mother’s job in my case) is NEVER finished. His shift starts & it ends, he gets to go to the gym before work or after work, he doesn’t ask he just goes.

Me on the other hand, If I want to meet a friend without the kids I ask. I’m at home with my children, to physically look after them is fine - you know a nappy change or a feed, or preparing my toddlers lunch, that’s all fine. It’s everything else that comes with it, the endless list of housework, the isolation, the sense of loss of yourself.

To top it off, he won’t have the children for even an hour yet (our second child is 6 weeks old) why you ask? Because in his words ‘I don’t think I will cope with the 2 of them by myself’. But he has the audacity to me that ‘being at home is easy’.

In fact even when I used to work part time before going on maternity leave all I used to hear was ‘you ONLY work 2 days a week’. So so fed up. I just want to cry, being a mum is so hard sometimes, especially when you feel your own partner won’t back you.

"Oh honestly I’ve tried a few times to leave, but I just feel like I can’t I worry what’ll happen if I leave him, I worry no one will want to be with me or that I won’t cope, and I worry he will be an awkward ex partner & it’ll be shit for the children"

He likes having you around because you to him are his skivvy, cook and childminder. He has it made with you really so won't be the one to leave. You are ultimately going to have to leave him because he is an arse.

Where are your family/friends here?. You are now 23; make your 24th year onwards now a lot bloody happier for you and these children (I presume they have his surname so yet more power was handed over by you to him) by leaving this millstone who hangs around your neck.

He has likely made you believe further that you cannot manage on your own; he is wrong. Someone else will want to be with you and you will manage admirably without him in your day to day life. Honestly this man is neither of use nor ornament. He is a selfish and entitled manchild who is quite happy to see you push yourself to the edge. He is dragging you and his children (who he really does not care much for either because he treats you as their mother with contempt) down with him. He won't make it easy for you to leave and he will continue to act as an arse in terms of the kids too. Leaving him will be far better than actively choosing to remain within such misery because its somehow "easier".

You have a choice re this man; they do not. Make better choices for you going forwards. Look too at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and unlearn the crap through counselling. You seem very vulnerable still here and I think he took advantage of this along with your not that ideal upbringing either.

This is who he really is; when someone shows you who they are it pays to listen. He is an awkward (and that is an understatement) partner to you now, he will remain bloody minded and awkward going forward as well.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. What will they learn from you in the event you and this man stay together?. You and he need to be apart.

Being a mum is 24/7 in a way that no other job ever is.

My XH worked away. We had five children under the age of seven. He'd happily wave goodbye, go and live in his B&B during the week and come home alternate weekends to drop me his washing and go and play Disney Dad, then fall asleep on the sofa watching TV for the rest of the weekend.

And he had the cheek to be surprised when I divorced him. He also thought being a SAHM was easy, that all I did was doss around all day (the house was never as clean and tidy as he thought it should be). I brought those five up as a single mum (youngest was two when we split), and it was easier being on my own than it was being criticised all the time!

@AttilaTheMeerkat

The children have his surname but they also have mine, they are double barrelled. The ironic thing in this all, is that I would be saying exactly what you’re saying if this was a friend or family member. I know it’s not right, I actually woke him up last night & told him I can’t do this anymore. His usual response was nothing, and he said we’d ‘talk’ today. I don’t want to talk to be honest, it won’t make a damn difference & I am done putting myself through this crap for him. If he doesn’t leave I’ll go to my mums until he does. Thanks

My DH is another man who believes being a sahm is easy, requires little effort and I sit and drink coffee all day. This despite me having a debilitating chronic illness and 2 of our kids having SEN. He simultaneously finds the kids hard work and can't cope with them for a full day on his own.

What a knob. Are you renting OP? Is the place in your name?

I was wondering what the situation is with the property.

He will not leave easily if at all; he likes having you around to act as his cook, cleaner, bottlewasher and emotional punchbag.

I would head to your mother's and from there start the whole process of rebuilding your life from the ground up. I would also submit a maintenance claim for his children asap and formalise all contact arrangements re these children too. He is not going to change or somehow become a better person and your kids and you deserve better frankly.

@Poohpooh @AttilaTheMeerkat

We rent privately & it’s a joint tenancy agreement, so he will have to agree for me to remove him - which I also worry about. I knew last year when I found out I was pregnant that this wouldn’t end well, but after suffering 2 miscarriages there was no way I could have got rid of her. It’s not a very good situation at all, but I can’t turn back time :( Can only move forward

I had a similar issue with dh but it only came to light when I was pregnant with dc2 while caring for toddler dc1 and not able to do as much as I had before. He had no idea what a struggle it was for me who also had a really awful pregnancy and he wasnt supportive. I ended up in hospital for over a week and he suddenly had to take time off work to look after toddler dc1 on his own and let me tell you it was a complete shock to the system for him. He struggled and dod half the job I had done pregnant so had no idea how I did it. He has a new found respect and was so happy to have me and new baby home. It def did him the world of good so I would recommend these men get dumped on the deep end as they need a reality check.

in^

Could you go to your Mum's for a weekend op and leave your bf with the dc? It will do him good. Could you say you have a migraine and fake an illness.

Wow... My partner openly admits that even though his job is knackering and demanding, at least he gets a lunch break where he doesn't have to think or do anything! He says he doesn't know how I do it every day and praises me for it. He's very hands on and when he's home everything is 50/50 because he's the parent too.. I honestly don't understand some peoples attitudes to parenting. I grew up with a very hands on father too so it is very strange to me.

OP you are very young and you can easily rebuild your life and start over. I am doing all that about 20 years older than you. And I can tell you that there is no harder job than looking after your kids full time. I went back to work after a few years of being SAHM and now I work full time. My job does not compare to what I did as a SAHM. Plus I get paid for that! And yes, my ex husband thought that I was doing nothing at home, that I had it easy compared to him who had to go to work and read on the train, have a lunch break at a restaurant, various coffee and shopping breaks at the nearby shopping centre, then banter with colleagues, avoiding work as much as possible and bragging about it to me, alternating pub and gym after work... all that and still earning over 100k per year while being financially abusive, infinitely lazy and constantly creating mess. And of course failing to understand why I was not happy and cheerful to see him in the evening and have sex on tap...

‘I don’t think I will cope with the 2 of them by myself’.

‘being at home is easy’

Oh is it then? So leave him home with the 2 and also say that you expect all the usual chores are also done, just so he can show how easy it all is.

Arse.

So it's easy but there's no way he can cope for an hour on his own? Tell him to cut the crap and make his bloody mind up, OP

He's an arse.

As everyone else has pointed out, if having the kids is so easy then why can't he do it?

I know the whole "spa day" thing is a massive mumsnet cliche but honestly he really needs to understand what you do on a day to day basis. Can you go to your mum's for a weekend and see how he copes? (Or will he just get his mum to help/let the kids run riot and trash the house?)

He can't cope or won't cope? No. You leave him with kids for a few hours and look after yourself. Let's see how he manages then. Sit him down and tell him he needs to start being a parent. Big deal of he's working ... he's just one of many. He's using fatherhood as an excuse not to get involved? Please.

i'd say just swan off one saturday for the day - announce it as you waltz out of the door.

don't even give him the opportunity to tell you he won't be able to cope.

of course he'll cope. presumably he's able to feed, clothe and clean himself?

He sounds like a proper twat.

I was a SAHM to 2 kids, it is easy to be fair. Boring though.

'I was a SAHM to 2 kids, it is easy to be fair.'

Well thats a sweeping statement if ever I've heard one! Good for your Jiggles. You found it easy certainly doesn't mean it is for all and not everyone has the same circumstances. Its comments like that which gives SAHMs problems like op is having.

Being home is easier than working when you have a partner that shares the load when they are home and when the children are in nursery and school it gets easier again.

However if you are looking after the children 24/7 then no it most definitely is not easier it's so much worse.

You have a partner problem and he sounds awful. He's not only not helping he's causing a bigger issue by running you down and causing to be physically and mentally exhausted.

I’d have loved to be a SAHM to 2 kids Jiggles but I always had to work.

OP - you need a break either fake a migraine this weekend requiring complete silence and bedrest or if he’ll disturb you - go out for the day. Do not prepare anything for him otherwise he’ll only be half doing it and he WILL think easy. Leave lots of kids washing and jobs as well. Its the only way. Kids will be fine for a day. Get home and have a long bath (because you’ve had a busy day). Then say you’ll grab an early night. Good luck!

Ha, they say that but soon shut up if they ever had to do it themselves.

You poor thing.

I know it isn't possible but I think it would be a brilliant thing if all fathers had to cut down to 4 days and spend that day at home with the kids while the mother went out, with no support for at least the first year so they have a taste of what it's like.

Oh I had to work too, after a year at home on mat leave which is what I meant by being a SAHM.

I much prefer working full time, but it is not easier than being a SAHM. Not for me anyway.