Why do I struggle to be there for my partner when he most needs it?

[Monmonga]

Hello, I live in a very happy long-term relationship with love and respect, so super lucky. Our personalities are quite different but we have really found our common wavelength. My partner is the best person on Earth, but I struggle with the aspect of his people pleasing tendency (especially towards his parents) and also being a bit of a pushover. These really push my button somehow and I can't be supportive of him when he does these things, even if he needs it. Two recent examples:
He was ill recently, but instead of resting, he got up to Skype his parents and pretended all was well. Just to completely crash as soon as the call was done. I was so furious about this, that I went into silent treatment mode, even though knew he was very unwell and should have just ignored the call and supported him to get better. It took me a few hours to get this out of my system and be normal with him, felt awful about being such a terrible partner to him.
Another one: at work someone had taken credit for something he had done and this has really hurt him. But he is not saying anything to anyone, just living silently with the consequences. This makes me so mad, I went into arguments and felt awful afterwards seeing how affected he is and me arguing instead of supporting him when he needs the most.

Does anyone have tips on how to overcome my own block in these situations and be able to be on his side no matter what? He always has my back and I can always lean on him, so feel awful having this really poor behaviour towards him.
Thank you!

Why do you feel these things trigger an aggressive response?

I don't know, I guess they are just things that bother me. I am quite temperamental so have a strong emotional response to a lot of things, both in a positive and a negative way. E.g there are personality traits in other people which trigger a strong negative response from me, but those don't matter as much as this. It is a stupid gut reaction. 😞

I get annoyed with other people's passivity as well OP. Drives me mad. Does he whine a lot?

He doesn't sound very assertive. It sounds like he lets people (including you) walk all over him. When people do that we lose respect for them. Do you think that's what might be going on here?

No, he doesn't whine at all, he really is a very good person. But yes, let's people walk over him. Most of the times I don't, but these are somehow triggers. And I think he hates these traits in himself too, because can get very hurt when he realises someone had taken advantage of him. Of course, by the time he notices it has been clear to everyone else for a long time. So really, he needs me to support him in these situations, instead of aggravating them. I really would like to get over my own block with this, but how?

I'm exactly the same with my husband. I just get so frustrated for/with him.

I think it's a type of over-protectiveness. You're getting annoyed with him for not protecting himself (or sticking up for himself) and there's nothing you can do to help.

I think I'd be just like you OP. Most of us want a partner who can stick up for themselves.

We sometimes choose partners for ourselves who have certain characteristics we want or admire. It sounds as though you are assertive and he lacks a backbone. People pleasers are irritating so I'm not surprised it annoys you.

It can also be passive aggressive behaviour (no idea if that's the case here) but some passive aggressive people refuse to make decisions and them moan at the outcome.

Just swallow your irritation and give him a hug.

Looks like you're not getting any advice from us lot about changing your reactions OP.

Perhaps he's the one who needs to change.

Thank you all for the responses. I see other people are irritated by this too! The reason I am mad at myself is that he is a wonderful person and I get to enjoy so many aspects of who he is, why can't I handle in a more mature way his "shortcomings"? He definitely doesn't do this to me and I have many more bad character traits than he does.

Yes, he needs to change but so do I! And I am struggling how to do it.

@SunnySideDownBriefly Exactly what you are saying. But at the end of the day he is a grown person, I should learn to respect his choices instead of criticising them.

Persuade him to get some assertiveness training. However remember that by changing his behaviour you may find he ceases to be the same person you've grown to love.

@BigFatLiar You are so spot on, I do not want to lose my love for him. I want my love to extend to these situations when he most needs it. Someone above said to swallow my pride, it is not pride, more irritation but I really want to be able to swallow it. Or to compartmentalise it for that moment and deal with it later. What sort of training may help me with that? Basically to not react in an impulsive way?

What? Why should he have to change when the OP is taking her own frustrations out on him. Neither of them situations needed to impact you at all, it's not all about you- just choose to support his decisions whether you agree with them or not. For those who are saying he's the one with the problem, that's for HIM to decide and fix not the OP.

By kicking off at him when he doesn't do what YOU want him to/would do you're only making the situation worse and him feel worse. When you feel annoyed at these scenarios, take a deep breath and think before replying.

I might be projecting but my other half kicks off if I don't do as he would and I don't listen to his opinion I just think he's a nasty prick who's kicking me when I'm down.

Thank you @baubled! You get it!!!!
Basically that is what I want, to learn not to make it about me! Any tips on how to aquire this skill?
Basically, the 'deep breath' worked a little bit after the Skype thing, but only to the extent that I didn't argue, just went silent until I diffused my frustration and then apologised. I probably can't help getting frustrated but would like to learn to better deal with it.

It’s like I wrote this myself! My partner is the nicest sweetest man I’ve ever met. Not a bad word to say about anyone. His mum is horrid. He buys her lovely gifts always runs errands for her treats her like a queen. Yet she doesn’t acknowledge his birthday never buys him anything for it. Always nags and is miserable to him. It gets me mad. Really mad. I’ve put it down to the protectiveness in me. I think because I care about him and he’s so sweet I can’t stand to see him taken for granted. And in turn I end up stupidly taking it out on him. That may be what’s happening with u.

I only get it because I'm on the other side so apart from just stop I don't have much advice!

I don't know how to manage it but you need to learn to reign yourself in and not fly off the handle, you can still express your point but before you go think of how you can be constructive and kind instead.

I will say that the fact your acknowledging it and actively trying to work out how not to react like that is positive, have you spoken to him about it?

Also, getting the silent treatment when you're already feeling down is awful, if he knows he's being walked all over it will just make him feel even worse about himself.

@restingbitchface30 Sounds awfully familiar... I think my feelings stem from exactly what you say, not wanting to see him taken for granted.
What happens when you take it out on him? Is he hurt? Do you shut each other off?

Try a technique called "active listening". It takes practise to go to this rational mode rather than just snapping into your default emotional response, but it's worth putting in the effort because right now you're both hurting and that doesn't help anyone.

Here are some examples.
Him: Tony took the credit for all the work I did on Project Flatulence.
You: Oh what now? What happened?
Him: {explains, without you interrupting}
You: I'm so sorry love, that sounds really unfair. How are you feeling? {NOT "you must be feeling xyz" - that would be you projecting your own feelings onto him}
Him: I feel really let down/ angry/ sad/ unsure of my future/ resigned
You: I bet you do, I would too! {even if you wouldn't - you need to reflect and validate his feelings}
Him: Yeah and also {reveals more feelings}
You: That sounds really hard. What do you think you'd like to do about it?

Then you can talk through some possibilities with him, but without telling him "this is what I'd do" or "you should do this."

I really hope this helps. I used these techniques with my DS who was then 19. (He had serious people pleasing instincts thanks to emotional abuse from his birth mum.) It helped us both. I felt much less frustrated and he felt much more supported and understood.

@baubled I know, the silent treatment was awful, although probably the less bad choice as it allowed him to sleep...

Yes, I spoke to him about it and he knows I do not mean to hurt him but in those moments I do. And there are other occasions when we argue or sort of verbally hurt each other in a disagreement but can work them out between us. And I think we don't mind those occasions, however, the ones I want to stop are these, when he is vulnearable and needs me on his side. When he was ill I really knew it and recognised the situation, just couldn't get my frustration out of the way quickly enough.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Thank you! I am familiar with active listening, used to work on a youth helpline. Have to say, this problem does not extend to our whole life, we are very much there for each other and I do listen to him and support him. It is just these triggers that somehow put me in an emotional state, because I feel he is being exploited. I will think about active listening next time and will try to switch into that mode!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation A follow up on your example with DS, thank you for sharing that. What a lucky person to have such a mum! After chats like this with him, did you have to deal with your emotions separately or did you manage not to get emotional at all?

I don't see why you feel you need to punish him for behaving in a way that doesn't harm you but potentially harms him. He's being too passive but your response is to attack and dominate, kick him while he's down. So you're making him feel twice as bad.

If you could understand why you feel the need to do that then that might be the key to changing your behaviour.

I don’t necessarily take it out on him I guess I just get really frustrated when I’m trying to make him see sense. It’s led to me starting to resent him a little though and that’s a problem you don’t want to get to. I get he loves his mum but he has her on a pedestal when she is awful yet I kinda get the dregs of what’s left and I treat him really well! But I can’t treat him how she does I really can’t. He’s just so laid back his response to me is ‘well I don’t mind’ or ‘it’s no biggie’ so im getting a bit better with just letting him get on with it. However the work situation u mentioned was bothering your DP so that’s different. Maybe just big him up next time. Be his cheerleader and cheer him on to be a bit tougher!

@bitheby You see, I don't see either. It is not an active choice, you can probably see from this thread that I do not want to do this. It is not a rational choice but a stupid knee-jerk reaction to an emotional trigger. But yes, I agree, I need to get to the bottom of why it triggers me so much. Any advise on how one figures things like this out?