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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I struggle to be there for my partner when he most needs it?

58 replies

Monmonga · 11/02/2020 10:17

Hello, I live in a very happy long-term relationship with love and respect, so super lucky. Our personalities are quite different but we have really found our common wavelength. My partner is the best person on Earth, but I struggle with the aspect of his people pleasing tendency (especially towards his parents) and also being a bit of a pushover. These really push my button somehow and I can't be supportive of him when he does these things, even if he needs it. Two recent examples:
He was ill recently, but instead of resting, he got up to Skype his parents and pretended all was well. Just to completely crash as soon as the call was done. I was so furious about this, that I went into silent treatment mode, even though knew he was very unwell and should have just ignored the call and supported him to get better. It took me a few hours to get this out of my system and be normal with him, felt awful about being such a terrible partner to him.
Another one: at work someone had taken credit for something he had done and this has really hurt him. But he is not saying anything to anyone, just living silently with the consequences. This makes me so mad, I went into arguments and felt awful afterwards seeing how affected he is and me arguing instead of supporting him when he needs the most.

Does anyone have tips on how to overcome my own block in these situations and be able to be on his side no matter what? He always has my back and I can always lean on him, so feel awful having this really poor behaviour towards him.
Thank you!

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 11/02/2020 15:59

He is who he is. You need to accept that and get help with your control issues.

How he handles things is up to him, the same way you deal with things. He isn’t forcing you to be someone you’re not.

Original poster
Monmonga · 11/02/2020 16:01

@restingbitchface30 Yes, he is similar, says a lot of these things don't bother him. So maybe we just have to let go of those things. But yes, the work thing really did bother him and I have no idea how to be supportive with those.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/02/2020 16:04

Maybe this sort of thing makes him look weak and pathetic, and you feel uncomfortable about having a weak and pathetic partner? Could it be irritation and lack of respect that you are feeling?

restingbitchface30 · 11/02/2020 16:05

As I say just talk to him and tell him it’s ok to be a bit tougher in this world! Because you need to be! I’ve realised I’m the one person my fella can talk to and vent and if I keep getting frustrated with him he won’t even talk to me anymore and I don’t want that for him. I do think it’s world quite well in some aspects though. I’m a bit feisty and he’s really chilled out so in some ways we balance each other out!

restingbitchface30 · 11/02/2020 16:05

It’s worked quite well

Original poster
Monmonga · 11/02/2020 16:06

@MashedSpud How do I get help with control issues?

Also, don't want the accepting thing to go the other way where we go into 'do whatever you want' state. E.g. if someone was mistreating or undermining me and I didn't notice I really would want him to tell me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Monmonga · 11/02/2020 16:08

@ravenmum Irritation yes, lack of respect not at all. It is not about 'weak and pathetic' more being taken advantage of in my eyes anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Monmonga · 11/02/2020 16:10

@restingbitchface30 Thank you for sharing, sounds like we are in a similar relationship setup! 😊

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 11/02/2020 16:53

This sounds like the op is emotionally abusing her partner and for people to excuse it is shocking.

Original poster
Monmonga · 11/02/2020 17:00

@Northernparent68 I get what you mean, I was also surprised by some of the responses. Maybe this is a more common frustration than we think?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/02/2020 17:03

I wasn't saying that it's OK to see your partner as weak and pathetic, and treat them with disrespect as a result, far from it.

But if OP is trying to change this situation, she's going to have to work out what's going on in her head.

Craftycorvid · 11/02/2020 17:47

Sometimes when we get a really strong reaction to someone’s behaviour, it’s because it evokes another, often earlier, relationship or situation. When your DP does this, is there anything about either his reaction or how you feel about it that reminds you of something else? Often it lies with how you saw the interactions between your parents and the impact those had on you.

Northernparent68 · 11/02/2020 18:41

The op chose to be with a passive man, there’s no point in trying to change him. If she wanted an assertive man she should have gone out with one.

A man who admitted to getting frustrated with a passive woman, and giving her the silent treatment, would be given hell.

DearGod1 · 11/02/2020 18:46

He took a Skype call from his parents when he was ill and crashed back out afterwards and you went into silent treatment mode for that.

Seriously what the hell is wrong with you?!

I think he should look for another partner as I would tell someone to fuck right off if they were angry with me for talking to my parents because I was ill and in fact decided for me that I was too ill to talk to them.

Original poster
Monmonga · 11/02/2020 19:03

@DearGod1 I get it why you would say this, but honestly, things are not that bad between us, we are a very happy family. The Skype thing was the other way around, I offered him to call his parents so that they can talk to our DC while he stays in bed because he was unwell. However, he put on the pretence for his parents and called them himself and then crashed out again. I don't think I would have had the same reaction had they called him and he just took the call. But either way, I know this was very poor behaviour from me, hence looking for advice how to change it.

OP posts:
Scott72 · 11/02/2020 19:05

"A man who admitted to getting frustrated with a passive woman, and giving her the silent treatment, would be given hell"

He'd be accused of "sulking" which mn regards as a serious offense. But OP knows she's being unreasonable. I think she could apologize to him, if she hasn't already, explain its her not him, and that's she's working on it.

Original poster
Monmonga · 11/02/2020 19:07

@Craftycorvid It may actually be my father who the behaviour reminds me to, who was constantly taken advantage of which led to his mental breakdown and then untimely death when I was still young. Breaks my heart forever thinking of his life. Never thought of this, but maybe this is what the trigger is and not my own personality? Don't see how I can change this very sad memory though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Monmonga · 11/02/2020 19:09

@Scott72 I have apologised as soon as I calmed down and we spoke about it (not just now but beforehand as well). He is a very good person and very understanding.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 11/02/2020 19:12

This sounds like the op is emotionally abusing her partner and for people to excuse it is shocking

Indeed! Would you lot excuse a man with the same posts? Hmm

OP it's pretty evident you've lost respect for your bloke. It's time to split IMO. He's not suddenly going to 'toughen up' and your treatment of him will get worse until you massively dislike yourself.

DearGod1 · 11/02/2020 19:13

You sound deranged saying that you wouldn't mind if he did the call your way.

You aren't his mummy. Deciding he isnt well enough to even get out of bed.

Listen to yourself.

Craftycorvid · 11/02/2020 19:15

Monmonga being aware it’s possible some of your reactions are not about the ‘here and now’ is a great place to start. What happened to your dad sounds traumatic for you to have witnessed as a child, and it’s not surprising you react strongly to anything that evokes that ‘being put upon’ feeling. Some therapy might be helpful for you both to process the past and change things in the here and now.

Aquarius1619 · 11/02/2020 19:23

Sounds far fetched but were either of your parents or one of your important role models as a child a push over or did they display weakness? Often things that trigger these intense reactions to seemingly small things are deep rooted from other relationships especially in childhood. If you can understand why you act that way it’s much easier to talk yourself round. My best friend is a very experienced councillor and this is often the case for many people! Hope you manage to figure it out!

Aquarius1619 · 11/02/2020 19:26

Oh!! Just seen @Craftycorvid wrote a very similar response Smile

corythatwas · 11/02/2020 19:33

Could it be that with the phone call he made a calculation that getting it over and done with and keeping his parents slightly out of the loop would actually tire him less than having them worry about him? Because that is totally the decision I would have made if I were him.

It does sound a bit like you feel you are the one who should be deciding what is best for him. How about letting him decide?

Because tbh letting you decide how he deals with situations involving other people doesn't sound any less people-pleasing to me than anything you've mentioned.

baubled · 11/02/2020 19:44

I'm really watching this post with interest and I've been thinking about it since I posted earlier. Its obviously not great but you're trying to change it and understand why you're like this, you're half way just from that.

Just be careful that finding a possible reason why you're like this doesn't become an excuse.