Am I financially abusive

[puguin86]

Not bothering to name change

Just a bit pissed off

DH and I have been married 10 years. There's a 20 year age gap between us.

DH always been on a standard £24k for his whole life.

I started on £14k now earn £40k over 6 years. This is set to rise.

I've been putting aside savings in an account- roughly £20k approx now. DP family have gone mad. As I'm hiding money apparently

I'm not just still living like I am skint and been putting g the extra in a savings account

DH knew if it's existing But had no access to it. Mainly because he built up a £12k gambling debt which I eventually paid off

DH Family party this week. DH got pissed and told them I had this money saved up but wouldn't spend it on buying a new family car

So now I'm financially abusing him...

Keeping money away from a problem gambler seems very wise to me. It sounds like you have bigger issues than just your savings and his idiotic family, tbh.

Do his family know about his gambling debts?

Gambling? Car? Didn't you already split up with this bloke? Or is this just a depressingly frequent scenario?

He still gambling?

What’s the savings for?

Sounds like you’ve been cautious. Has the gambling stopped?

No you are not. You're very wise to keep control of it. If you split he would be likely be entitled to half and he is aware of its existence so hardly abusive.

No, it's not financial abuse. Financial abuse would be for example, all household money going into your account. You then give your partner an 'allowance' that say, covers household expenses but there's nothing for him.

Your partner has a gambling problem so I'm not surprised he doesn't have access to your savings.

However, regarding the car issue what is the problem here? If a family car is needed and the one you have is a wreck and you won't buy a new one though you have the money, it's not abusive as such but, it isn't right. However, if he wants a new BMW because you've got the money to buy one, that's a different matter.

Also, tell him that your money is none of his family's business. It comes across as a bullying tactic.

The rules have to be entirely different with addicts. There is not really enough info in your post to tell if there is financial abuse, but protecting assets from a gambler is on its face reasonable.

I have no idea what the savings are for to be honest

I have always been so skint that I am so freaked out by it I'm not sure.
Family don't know the gambling but knew
I paid a large credit card debt off for him

How do you view the £20k? Joint savings or yours? I don’t think you’re abusive and I understand the caution given the history.

Why are you putting up with this man and paying off his debts? I would be using that money for a solicitor.

We have a family car. It's old though. So he wants a new one on finance. I don't because I would be paying it.

I haven't hidden the savings from him but made it clear they are not there for him to touch. Eg
He suggested a holiday with it

• I said no

Tell him if he wants a car, he can pay for it. Don't be foolish enough to waste your money on him because something tells me you'll need it.

He should apologise to you for making you look bad .I would warn him if he ever tries to badmouth you again you will tell them about his gambling debts .We can all make mistakes but he should be grateful for what you have done for him.Sounds like he might be a bit jealous of your career advancement

I think you’ve just been sensible, don’t they advise we all have savings to survive for a few months out of work?

My DH earns significantly more than me & has done similar, put some of his earnings aside. For him it’s about having the security that should he or I ever lose our jobs, we would have enough to last until we could hopefully find other work. I don’t consider this financial abuse, as the higher earner he feels more of a responsibility for our household financial situation.

I feel that to. We have a family car. It's just not "good" enough. But his mum said to me our money is joint money and got a bit snooty with me about "hiding " it. Said I wasn't. He just couldn't touch it.

His family sound awful! Its your money, you're saving it for yourself, nothing wrong with that.

A bit strange these replies. My DP earns 40k I earn 20k we are a team. If he saved 20k and told me we couldnt use any if we needed a new car or holiday. I would kick him out the gambling would make me wary but it sounds pretty unfair to shut someone down and say they have no choice. Either your in life together or your not so get out.

@Aquamarine1029 I told him that.
He went down to the finance place and he can't afford the one he wanted. I think that is what started him telling
His mum Ffks

I don't think your savings make you financially abusive but how do you split bills? Are you both paying a proportionate amount which leaves him with some spare to spend or save?

Your financial situation is nothing to do with his family, if he persists then say you will tell his family about the gambling debts.

We split bills 50/50 but this is because it is his way of "paying me back" for the £12k debt I paid off. So we both pay £700 a month x

No you are not financially abusive, your saving money that you worked for. I do the same. Its your money, why should you not save up and spend it on a known gambler? Tell your DH family to F off and mind their own business.

You're not abusive, you're wise.

You have a perfectly adequate car. I'm sure if it broke down, you'd buy a new one.

I genuinely do not understand why people buy cars on finance. If you can't afford a new car outright, don't buy an expensive one.

As for the bills again I see no issue with it being 50/50. You've clearly done well for yourself, why should you prop up a gambler?

£700pm is nothing for someone earning £24k so he's still got plenty of money to also save.

I hope you have your money in an ISA. You might as well get the most tax efficient savings plus they can only be held in singe name so that's you're excuse for it not being a joint account.

He’s a twat. Tell his mum about the gambling debt you paid off.