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Original poster

Am I financially abusive

75 replies

puguin86 · 09/02/2020 20:35

Not bothering to name change

Just a bit pissed off

DH and I have been married 10 years. There's a 20 year age gap between us.

DH always been on a standard £24k for his whole life.

I started on £14k now earn £40k over 6 years. This is set to rise.

I've been putting aside savings in an account- roughly £20k approx now. DP family have gone mad. As I'm hiding money apparently

I'm not just still living like I am skint and been putting g the extra in a savings account

DH knew if it's existing But had no access to it. Mainly because he built up a £12k gambling debt which I eventually paid off

DH Family party this week. DH got pissed and told them I had this money saved up but wouldn't spend it on buying a new family car

So now I'm financially abusing him...

OP posts:
Atalune · 09/02/2020 21:04

Tell me why you are with him?

He doesn’t sound very good.

AdultHumanFemale · 09/02/2020 21:06

Slightly beside the point, but I am impressed by your rapid pay progression. May I ask what you do?
Oh, and I think you're absolutely fine to limit your partner's access to the money. But then I don't agree with the whole 'joint' money thing anyway. As long as you both contribute fairly to cover basics and perhaps some joint savings, it should absolutely be OK for partners to keep individual savings accounts. So shoot me.

MitziK · 09/02/2020 21:07

I'd actually start hiding money now, tbh. He's laying claim to it and trying to blackmail you into spending it on him. which would obviously then free off his current salary for a 'few little flutters'.

I'd also tell his family 'I can see why you'd be worried about this, but until he repays the twelve thousand pounds of debt he accrued on the horses/online casinos/slot machines that he begged me to pay off for him before they came for our house, that money is going nowhere'.

Atalune · 09/02/2020 21:07

WhTs his take home? £1800?

So he has around £1000 each month AFTER bills and rent/mortgage? And he can’t get a car in finance....? What kind of car does he want? Or is it due to bd credit?

Him bleating to his mum is a major turn off.

Original poster
puguin86 · 09/02/2020 21:11

@AdultHumanFemale I work in a Solicitors so with qualifying and building up a client base I progressed pretty quickly

OP posts:
Original poster
puguin86 · 09/02/2020 21:14

It's mainly the bad credit stopping him and also he wants me to contribute. I don't want to because I bought the old car when we were skint and it's doing fine till now ! Lol

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 09/02/2020 21:16

Honestly I would get divorced ASAP. He will have a claim on the savings as they are joint assets. What on earth is he for?

Original poster
puguin86 · 09/02/2020 21:16

Yeah @Atalune I don't get it because after tax he says £400 a month. Makes no sense

OP posts:
Limbicsystem · 09/02/2020 21:16

no, I think that's fair.
my ex earns A LOT and im a student, I was a student part time when we met and I worked in a bar and I never expected him to ive me access to his money. we even talked about getting married and he said id love the joint bank account and I fel really weird about it.

if roles were reverse I don't think id want to just open my savings up to him just because he earned less.

if your husnamd wants more money he should be loking to improve that situation himself, not rly on you. its also none of his families business.

4Bops · 09/02/2020 21:19

If he hadn't have had 12k of debt he could have had a new car worth 12k!!

Original poster
puguin86 · 09/02/2020 21:20

Yep

MIL thinks I am bleeding him dryHmm

OP posts:
Limbicsystem · 09/02/2020 21:26

@puguin86
not MIL but my exes sister decided I was definitely a golddigger for the forst year of our relationship but shed only be snarky to me when we were alone. I paid for our first holiday together and she said something snarky about it accidentally in front of him and he put her straight straight awy. she was soooooooo embarrassed

MintyMabel · 09/02/2020 21:26

Tell his family why he has no access to it.

Then leave him.

JaneDarcy · 09/02/2020 21:26

I'd be concerned for you on two fronts OP

  1. he divorces you, takes half your money and you end up paying "alimony" . Legal eagles might know if that's actually a possibility.
  2. He knows you have money saved, knows you bailed him out before and so gets massively into gambling debt again.

How old are you both out of interest?

JaneDarcy · 09/02/2020 21:28

From your username I'm guessing you're 35ish so he's 55ish?

You're never too old to start over but you could definitely start over OP

Atalune · 09/02/2020 21:29

I don’t think he’s being honest with you. Alarm bells are ringing as the sums don’t seem to be adding up.

stanski · 09/02/2020 21:29

If he wants a new car he should save up for one himself. If he wants money to spent / gamble away he should better himself rather than relying on you. Going to his mum that's just childish. that's your savings, not his.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2020 22:16

Don't you think you can do far better than him? He's doing nothing but weighing you down.

JKScot4 · 09/02/2020 22:21

You paid off £12k debt for him, he’s a gambler, he’s making you the bad guy to his family?
He sounds horrible, if this is him in his 50s he won’t change.

Heartburn888 · 09/02/2020 22:31

Oh wow your post has really infuriated me! How dare his family say that to you! I bet she wouldn’t be so snooty if she knew about the gambling debt and would agree that he should not have access to it! I’d be telling her about the gambling.

Good on you for building up the savings though, some people would just splurge it on extravagant gifts but you sound like your head in firmly screwed on and stick to your guns about the family car! Good on you!

Barkley34 · 09/02/2020 22:31

Tough one. I'd say it's sensible to keep his access away from him as he has a gambling problem. However, I'd also say it should be for both of you to use on family things - car, holiday etc
You're married. I've never got the keeping finances so separate when married.

Plexie · 09/02/2020 22:35

£20k is a decent financial safety net, don't let anyone talk you in to spending the money just for the sake of it. As well as the usual emergency things (new boiler, redundancy, etc) there's also funeral costs, which people seldom seem to consider despite them being inevitable.

Redlocks28 · 09/02/2020 22:38

My DP earns 40k I earn 20k we are a team. If he saved 20k and told me we couldnt use any if we needed a new car or holiday. I would kick him out

Even if you you had £12k worth of debts?!

Nobody actually ‘needs’ a holiday or a new car.

FridgeOffal · 09/02/2020 22:41

What's the savings for? Do you disagree with him over if a new car is needed? It's not unreasonable to buy a new joint car with the higher earner's money or savings.

I dont know why you're saying that he/you both can't have one on finance and can't use your savings. Do you need a new car or not? How are you expecting it to be paid for?

Double3xposure · 09/02/2020 22:41

Why are you with him ?

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