Am I financially abusive

[puguin86]

Not bothering to name change

Just a bit pissed off

DH and I have been married 10 years. There's a 20 year age gap between us.

DH always been on a standard £24k for his whole life.

I started on £14k now earn £40k over 6 years. This is set to rise.

I've been putting aside savings in an account- roughly £20k approx now. DP family have gone mad. As I'm hiding money apparently

I'm not just still living like I am skint and been putting g the extra in a savings account

DH knew if it's existing But had no access to it. Mainly because he built up a £12k gambling debt which I eventually paid off

DH Family party this week. DH got pissed and told them I had this money saved up but wouldn't spend it on buying a new family car

So now I'm financially abusing him...

Nobody actually ‘needs’ a holiday or a new car.

Plenty of people need a new car - assuming new means replacing one that's getting old.

Nope not abusive.

Sensible for putting it aside out of his reach when he has a gambling history, yes

I’m a massive advocate for keeping finances separate unless it’s a joint account for bills/agreed big purchases

Set up a savings that you put equal amount into for a car. If you need one now, get a cheap banger till said savings have enough.
Long term have a joint account that you put the same into each month. After this your money is yours and his is his.
He can't argue about fairness then

Just make sure the bills come out first if he still gambles.

Either your in life together or your not so get out.

This is an incredibly blinkered view. Combining finances isn't mandatory in relationships or marriage.

OP this has nothing to do with his family and no you're not being financially abusive. I think it's sensible to keep finances as separate as possible in light of the gambling.

Can you not just leave him? Sounds like a dreadful life. You cannot trust your partner because he is nit trust worthy.

If he only has £400 left after paying £700 on a salary of £24k, that means he's gambling again.

That and I don't believe for a second that he's being paid the exact same salary he was 20 years ago. So is probably gambling even more than that away.

Actually, have you checked your own credit report recently? Just in case he's taken more debt out in your name?

Couples don't have to share their money. Have a joint account for joint things and then you can keep savings/wages separate.

OP, never trust a gambler.

Harsh but if you have any sense you'll move on and give yourself the chance of a better life.

Gambling is a truly dreadful addiction that is a silent killer for those around the addict.

Move on.

Yes even with the debts financial decisions in a partnership should be jointly taken and if one party isnt allowed to do that as they dont earn enough I think that is unfair. If you have made the choice to remain together after the gambling and he pays half of the bills with a lower wage. Its really unfair he doesnt get a say. He doesnt have to have access to the savings but to simply say no to a holiday or car as its your money you have saved is unequal. It doesnt sound like you have forgiven the gambling and are using the money as control.

I think you need to tell his mother that he racked up 12k of gambling debts and that you control savings from your earnings because DH has proven to be untrustworthy

Long term though I'd be re-evaluating your compatibility. There seems to be a lot of resentment between you...

I don't know of anyone who has been on the same salary their entire working lives - that can't be right.

I suspect he is gambling far more than you suspect. Agree that you should check your credit report/

I'd tell his family that your finances are absolutely none of their business but they are welcome to get involved in paying off their son/brother/cousin's gambling debt if they'd like, because you've been on your own with that one so far.

Apart from the financial/gambling red flags with this man, who the fuck at his age goes whining to his mum about his wife not buying him a car?

God I hope he has something going for him. because this sounds grim.

Hmm. I think you definitely need to be in control of the finances - as pp said, with a gambler the rules are different - but what are the savings for? Aren’t you a tiny bit guilty of denying your spouse access to joint income/spending decisions? Why not spend some of it on a family holiday? Aren’t you making saving look a bit pointless to him rather than sensible and beneficial?

If this was a husband saving money that his wife had no say over the use of would I suspect there would be a howl of outrage.

If he's OK to tell people about your finances, you are Ok to tell people about his. Explain to his Mother about his gambling debt woman to woman. It does look bad from the outside but once you've explained that bit it makes sense.

So long as the household bills are covered, and he's not left with nothing while you're living a much better standard of life, you're fine.

I am the higher earner in my household too, and I have 18k saved. It is in my account, as it is my money - but if we need to spend it on something urgent, my partner is more than welcome to what he needs. But it's not everyday spend - for me any more than it is him!

I have no idea what the savings are for to be honest

It’s your running away fund. Very sensible for having one.

I'd be wary that he's gambling again, 24k isn't that bad a salary to be on when you have someone to split all the expenses with.
On a side note, if there was no gambling involved and previous debts etc, I would say it was slightly unfair not to use the savings to better the family. But in this case I don't think wanting a new car which he should bf able to afford is a good enough reason to dip into the savings.

Save your money for when you're older and keep saving while you can. You don't know how much money you will need for the future. Don't let anyone bully you into spending it,he seems to like wasting money. X

You've already paid off his debts, you've been generous. Yet he now wants you to take this money you've saved and instead of using it responsibility, he wants to spend it frivolously. This certainly doesn't say to me that's he turned over a new leaf. If you earn more than him I'd say you could up your contribution to household expenses to maybe 60%. Other than that, you have no obligation to share your savings with him.

I, too, wonder how someone has managed to make exactly the same salary for that long. Something is very fishy. You're not hearing the full story.

Just gonna put my feet up and wait for the good Mumsnet folk to come and explain to you that his money is family money, as indeed is your own, and anything else would be financial abuse of the tallest order. You brute.

Puguin86 I put money away each month from my wage! I make sure everything is payed 1st . Don't feel pressured into paying for a new car, if your DH wants to contribute then great! U and your DH are a team! Me and my partner share bills then what's left we use to do things with our 3 children.

How's it all going Puguin?
I question what version your in-laws got told about the $12k debt (ie if it was phrased by your DH like "that was $12k debt I racked up when Puguin was just starting out" leaving it open to interpretation that it was credit card debt from supporting you (which is far from the case!) rather than admit it was gambling - so they now think you are selfish not sharing with him. As a solicitor myself I've seen how selective truth telling can skew a person's opinion.
That said, some mummy's just think their darling son is never in the wrong
I agree with PP that you are just being financially smart & sensible.
Hope it's all worked out in any event x