Life of trauma

[Neverending2020]

Is there anyone else who has gone through life experiencing trauma after trauma after trauma? Who has always tried to do the right thing - be a good child, study, work hard, pay your bills etc but due to circumstances beyond your control has just never had peace?

Yes, I look at my kids and think, despite my enormous efforts, they're pretty messed up. A lot of it out of my control it has to be said. I also think a lot of it is generational one way or another.

By enormous efforts I mean I was extremely mindful of the model I was presenting to them. I got some things wrong for sure (faulty thinking) but I did every course going re parenting, read every book from every possible perspective and opinion, and also had longstanding therapy. I reasoned they had a damaged mother and I was going to do everything in my power to minimise that damage passing on to them. Turns out I didn't cover it all..

But then again they are in very good jobs and lead successful lives in key ways. They're not unable to work, like their mother, too destroyed to put one foot in front of the other. So perhaps I did move a mountain in my own way as a parent.

They know they are loved. Perhaps an analogy with my relationship with God: for all the shit, inside and out, I know I am deeply loved and cherished. I can't work out the rest if I'm honest.

That's a good point @IamPickleRick

💐Rosetta❤️

I keep coming back to this thread as I reflect on it.

I think I am still a positive person as far as possible in many ways, but I am not optimistic.

There was a thread that really struck me recently because it highlighted how perhaps I think very differently to some people now. It was about if you are trying to conceive, how are you planning to tell your partner when you do fall pregnant, and posters were saying they had cards and personalised gifts etc either planned or already bought. And it just totally threw me because I couldn’t imagine having the confidence that things were going to go the way you hoped. I’m not calling it at all, I think it’s lovely. But for me from the time we started ttc I assumed we’d struggle (rightly as it turned out - although in my heart of hearts I genuinely believed I’d never get pregnant, because I wanted it and I don’t get the things I want, but I was wrong there). Then as soon as the test was positive I assumed it would be chemical, then when we got past that point I’ve basically been expecting the worst ever since. I’m 16 weeks and still not told anyone beyond immediate circle, stilldont feel like I can buy maternity clothes despite definitely needing some bigger trousers at least, feel like I’m a fraud and tempting fate going to a pregnancy fitness class, etc. Ido have a tendency to assume the things I really want and long for are not going to happen, or will be taken away even if they do. So maybe I’m not that positive after all!

Not RTFT but my god did I resonate with the OP 😭

Thank you @springydaff

AliasGrape I felt the same about my first pregnancy. I remember thinking, well things simply can’t have turned out great for me, let’s see what goes wrong next. And just waiting for bad news. It never came. I felt I was walking on air for something to finally and fully have gone right for me. I think that changed my viewpoint on a lot of things actually.

@IamPickleRick I’m so glad it went well for you and so glad it helped you see other things differently too. I really know what you mean about ‘well let’s see what goes wrong next’. I think I’m always braced for bad news, thinking I’m somehow protecting myself, but I’m coming to realise that it never actually helps when something bad does happen that I was expecting/ preparing for it and makes sod all difference to the outcome either way, so I really am trying to learn to just enjoy the good times and not constantly have that sense of impending doom.

Difficult when ‘high alert’ is your default state from childhood though.

Really sorry to hear what some people have gone through. Sometimes it really does seem like some people have constant bad luck. In some ways I am incredibly lucky, I am gifted, I have a fantastic and rewarding job, i'm talented in different areas, good at sports, i'm attractive/look much younger than my age, amazing family, parents still here, some lovely friends, financially confortable, and I think i'm a kind person who is generally well-liked.
On the other hand, i've experienced bullying in no less than 4 jobs, cheated on twice, left for someone else, zero luck with men, bullied for the entirety of school, abused, someone attempted to rape me, and i've had very poor mental health to the point of feeling suicidal.

Wishing better things for everyone here. Life is often difficult and unfair. I'm lucky to be in a new job where I am not bullied, i'm happily single and my confidence is back, i'm free of toxic situations and better at recognising them.
If anyone hasn't tried the Freedom programme, it is really good. 💐

Yes and lived with cPTSD for decades. At one point the multiple and sustained childhood traumas seemed to propel me through education and career but the emotional deficit and injury is like a drag anchor on my life. It has also meant that I have zero boundaries and unable to state my needs so have allowed emotionally unhealthy people to drain and abuse me until a total MH collapse. Have done a lot of emotional work recently but looking back on the mess with insight is excruciating. I feel that I am left now with permanent emotional damage and injury so fully functioning in life is v hard. I am enduring yet another sudden shocking trauma accompanied by severe emotional abuse which has totally floored and consumed me. Not sure I have any resilience left or any capacity to bounce back from this one.

Gutterton
But you're not useless. I've seen you on here, MN, encouraging people. You're valuable, see? Not patronising. People 'out there' have no interest in staying in the dark side but when they dip in, there we are. It's not a small thing.

All the trauma and horror have finally caught up with me, too. I said upthread it's an invisible disability. It's not surprising is it. We've been amazing to keep going, achieving stuff even though we're half dead. Respect eh?

Sorry, that sounded a bit patronising ^^

Thank you springydaff for your kindness - it means a lot. I have learnt so much from MN over the years and the advice has really helped me see EA when it was right under my nose. I thought I had climbed the mountain to clear out the clutter in my life and was feeling strong and positive but this recent situation, which has totally decimated my identity and with no end in sight I just can’t see me digging myself out of. I am in total shock (again) and feel I don’t have the physical or emotional capacity to pick myself up from this beating. I think the point I am trying to make is that in the past I saw my traumas as making me who I was - different, scared, compassionate and strong. I believed that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” - but I didn’t consider that repeated traumas take their toll - and this recent one has so blindsided me that I feel demolished, decimated - half dead as you say. I struggle to see myself picking myself up again and limping along for the rest of my life.

I'm so sorry Gutterton

Because of repeated traumas I feel I am much diminished from what I could have been if I hadn't been repeatedly blown up! You end up with a new normal. It's taken me an age a while to accept it. But there it is. I can honestly say I'm happy and contented.

I do hope you find peace at this very difficult time Gutterton ❤️

@Gutterton
Lovely, listen to me. When you crush your thumb in a door it hurts, right? Then there are months waiting for the nail to fall, more months waiting for it to grow back. And then it’s all healed.
I don’t know if you have children, but again, your body goes through an awful lot for 9 months and then it takes a long time to recover.

It’s the same with all traumas. It takes time. The body and the mind are amazing at healing. Give it time and love and nurture. All this is temporary. Everything is.
Sending you all a big hug, this too shall pass.

Erm it hasn't been temporary for me ie it has left lasting effects. The acute stage is over but the scars remain.

Thank you BuddhaAtSea for your encouragement. I know in time it will pass - but having been through so many traumas already and being in the thick of it right now I know it takes years to recover and I am finding that really daunting.

Gutterton

daff

Because of repeated traumas I feel I am much diminished from what I could have been if I hadn't been repeatedly blown up

This is exactly how I feel. Like the last 8 years have wrecked me.

Saw this today

How unprocessed trauma is stored in the body.

Its a hopeful article!

@springydaff exactly!
The book they talk in the article you linked, The body keeps the score, was a pivotal moment in my recovery. Because if it’s all in the head, it can be boxed, etc, but when you start seeing clear links between past traumas and how your body responded to that...for me it was a game changer. For the first time in my life it wasn’t just in my head.
So I started outwards, I began to look after my body to heal the mind.
Of course the scars last for years. There is some seriously heavy stuff we went through. There isn’t a switch or a pill to make it all better one of a sudden. Takes time. But we’ll get there :)

Yes. And it feels like it’s getting worse.

I've just started to read The Body Keeps the Score. Very interesting and makes a lot of sense.

Can you give us a brief resume of The Body Keeps the Score, Buddha?

I tried reading it once. Bit scientific for me at the time..couldn't be bothered to wade through

Lazy I know !

sometimes the world likes to kick us when we are down...and people...sometimes dogs...inanimate objects on occasion