Life of trauma

[Neverending2020]

Is there anyone else who has gone through life experiencing trauma after trauma after trauma? Who has always tried to do the right thing - be a good child, study, work hard, pay your bills etc but due to circumstances beyond your control has just never had peace?

😢 poopbear

@springydaff not really sure how I’m still standing some days. Watching your child die in your arms is trauma that no parent should ever have to go through. It’s beyond description. I think I’ve had my fair share of trauma now thanks universe but I’m always now on eggshells waiting...

@HamsterInSpecs @Luckystar777 @colouringinpro
I highly recommend watching Richard Grannon/Spartan life coach on YouTube he does lots of videos about Complex PTSD and narcissism.
Richard highly recommend buying the book by Pete Walker called CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving.

After having a breakdown 4 years ago due to ongoing trauma. Abusive childhood, abusive relationships, abusive marriage, Death, divorce being cheated on. Critically ill child.Homelessness. etc, etc. Never ending stress and trauma.

I echo schema therapy with a therapist you get on well with. It's been life-changing for me; especially if you had trauma in childhood I think it is really valuable.

Also practicing meditation, acceptance, gratitude and self-compassion. Really help me see the positives rather than the negatives, and to keep plodding on, which it can often feel like.

Sorry to all who feel compelled to write in this thread

Life can be so unfair, and often to the really good ones, so I guess this puts us in good company, at least

Yes. I went through childhood SA, along with my DSis, as well as being bullied in school. I became pregnant at 13 and my baby boy died soon after birth and then to cap it all, when my DH and I tried for a baby, I was infertile. It does make me think sometimes, 'Why does it always have to be me?'

I met my DH in April 2003, then everything went wrong so that we had very little time to enjoy being newly weds. My DSis's marriage broke down and I found out that her ex had been abusive to her. Then shortly after that, my FIL was killed in a car crash. It was left to me to look out for my DSis, while my DH was on the phone to his DM for an hour each day. Then my DSis would ring as I had to support her through an acrimonious divorce. My DH's DGPs died soon afterwards (they were my FIL's parents).

Things did come together for my DSis and me (though my DB was so damaged that he's a broken man now). We have happy marriages and lovely DC. My DDs (10 and 7) are adopted. DD1 has a head injury at 6 weeks (she came to us at 1, having been in foster care since birth). She has permanent hearing and sight loss and wears hearing aids and glasses, and serious attachment issues, hence she needs a lot of support.

I felt that things really were coming together and that I was in a better place (well as well as they can with PTSD and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). Then I discovered that my DD2 was being groomed on roblox. (I didn't even realise there was a chat room before that.)

At the moment it feels like trauma follows me around and that I'm never going to be free of it.

@lexiepuppy Thank you and sorry you have been through all that too.

I love Richard Grannon and I do have that book but have not gotten round to reading it all yet, my attention span sucks!

I'm sorry @Mittens030869, that all sounds awful . At least you are there to protect your daughter. It might not feel it right now, but I wish people had been there for me when I was being groomed, before things went too far. I think in the future your daughter will be so grateful to you for finding out and for protecting her as much as you could.

Just wanted to give you a perspective from the other side. You sound lovely.

My faith is now a huge solace to me and puts my suffering into historical, spiritual perspective

Yes SpringDaff I find this too ... in fact healing to me is simply about getting closer to God, and this has been my experience, but it has taken a long time to come to see this.

X

Thank you, TheRefuge, that means a lot. I keep telling myself that, unlike my DM, I am protecting my DDs. I'm also conflicted about my feelings for her. She didn't know, so I can't blame her for that, but I blame her for not being the mother that we could open up to. I found out because DD2 talks to me.

My DM always bursts into tears when we try to talk to her about the past. I really understand why it was upsetting for her, but I don't have the luxury of bursting into tears, because, unlike me, I can't expect my DD2 to be my therapist. (That is how it sometimes feels.)

It's strange, because I hadn't realised exactly how much trauma I'd gone through until I wrote it all in one post. It's as if my life were a soap opera except for the fact that it doesn't end with the credits and the theme tune.

@Mittens030869 Oh well the fact you found out because she told you is HUGE! I assumed you'd found out by computer activity or something (shows that I can't even fathom an alternative...!) Look at the trust you've built up with her. You should be SO proud that you've created such a safe and trusting environment for your children, especially coming from the environment you came from. Honestly, although it's a scary situation for you and DD, this will just be a little blip that - in an alternative life - could have been a huge trauma. Well done you.

I know exactly what you mean about the soap opera. If only we were getting paid for the ridiculous storylines and could walk off the set at the end of every day. But we also have to find the positives, and I think the relationship you have with your DD is one of those positives; although it's really sh*t you had to suffer so much to become that parent.... By god what a parent you have made yourself to be. Good for you.

Thank you again, you've really helped me.
This is where Mumsnet is great. I wouldn't dare to post about something like this on AIBU, there would be such a rush to judge me for allowing it to happen at all.

I think this highlights what's wrong with smacking. My DM smacked us a lot so we didn't dare to tell her. It produces obedience but through fear. With my DDs (especially DD2 who loves to share things) I've developed a bond with them so they now talk to me about things, knowing I won't yell at them.

I have my moments of course like all mums. (Particularly when they bicker and they both expect me to take their side.

You sound great. I completely agree about hitting, though I got hit a little bit as a child and it's nowhere near as traumatic as many other things that on the surface seem innocuous... But yeh, it just breeds fear and compliance and those are not good components for a healthy relationship between two people, in my opinion!

I don't know if it will help but - to anyone else out there on this thread too - if your trauma comes from childhood and negative parental relationships, the Stately Homes thread here on Relationships is a godsend, full of compassionate people who have all been on their own journeys with questionable/abusive/neglectful/traumatic parenting, and coming to terms with the outcomes. It's a very safe space and has been a godsend for me at really low points.

it amazes me how many people find faith such a help when they've had to overcome numerous unimaginable obstacles/pain.

i don't mean this to belittle your faith - i just think in the same position it would do the opposite to me! i don't know how i could believe in a just god that would let such horrific things happen so often to such innocent beings.

that you still have such strong faith, and that it is helpful to you is amazing.

i hope you all find some peace and respite soon
xx

Thank you Discontinued. Its a very personal thing I would say, its not easy to communicate .... It is not everyone's experience and I would not suggest it should be. I was more concurring and sympathising with SpringDaff as its often hard (and isolating) to mention faith on MN.

May peace be with you X

I’ve recently lost my faith, but it wasn’t because of the suffering I’ve experienced it was because of the way people in church responded.

Well, I'm not the greatest fan of the church. I have some very troublesome children and I wonder if God knows exactly what that feels like...

After one particular horror I turned my back on God - s/he could fuck right off as far as I was concerned. I kept that up for a long time.

Then more horrors and more trauma years and years later and I needed, craved, comfort. I went to a cathedral, sat at the very back, and the ancient texts, and the music, were such a solace though if anyone tried to approach me with a Christian face they got the death stare at 50 paces . I heard about suffering, people's suffering, and I could identify with that - unlike the culture I lived in, where happy/successful was what everyone aspired to (so did I I suppose! But it was beyond my reach no matter what I tried) and I was left behind in the stampede, dropped like a stone. It meant a lot to me to be immersed in a culture, during those services, that talked a lot about suffering, and agony, and comfort. I recognised all that. It gave me a bit of peace. Gradually, gradually I had an awareness of a comfort that was available to me if I wanted it. Which I did, big time.

A lot of Christians are dicks, mind (me included at times) - as well as some lovely Christians of course. Good job God and the church are not the same thing by a country mile, otherwise we'd all be sunk.

So that's what, or who, I can identify with. "behold and see if there be any sorrow like unto his sorrow" (thank you Handel). Yes, I get that, I can identify with that.

Plus, where else is there to go to be absolutely frank lol.

Yes - and it's affected everything and every relationship I've ever had.
I've just started therapy, it's time I dealt with it

I think that’s he thing springy, I’m not angry with God at all. I have been in the past but now I just don’t believe he’s real. I’d love to, I think it’s a beautiful story and wish I still believed it.

But he’s not there, no one to be mad at. I’ve never felt like that before and I can’t see a way out.

Me!!! It's so draining... I feel like I'm owed a massive lottery win to balance out the horrific things I've been through and still go through to this day.

I echo a lot of other posters,
SA in childhood, pregnancy at 13, a string of awful men, moved around a lot as I've had do relationships. Got into drugs for a while which led to removal of my children by social services. A mother who can't help but try and make my life miserable and numerous other issues.
I've recently been diagnosed with cPTSD and I start a course on the 20th to find coping mechanisms.
I literally wait for the next bad thing to happen, because I know it will happen. I just don't know when

The church has a lot to answer for. I remain a committed Christian, because I don't blame God for what happened, on the contrary he's given my DSis and me me the strength to survive and as a result both of us have happy family lives.

I do absolutely blame the conservative evangelical church we went to when growing up. There were people who knew the truth about my F, but covered it up so as not to bring shame on the Christian gospel.

I thought that attitude was in the past, in the days of DBS checks. Then I was horrified to discover that the attitude persists. One of my friends discovered that her DH had been sexually abusing her teenage DD from her first marriage, to the extent that she took an overdose. The church pastor told her not to report it to the police because it would shame the church. He also told her that it was her fault for not being a good enough wife.

I was fuming, as you can imagine, especially as he's a confidant for my DB, and I strongly suspect him of telling him to keep silent too. Because, with the one perpetrator who could have been prosecuted, the CPS decided that there was insufficient evidence. Later he told my DSis that he did remember the assault.

This friend also revealed to me that a highly respected Christian man, who founded a project for vulnerable adults, was an abuser and had abused her in the past. (I wish she hadn't told me really because there isn't a damned thing I can do with the information, she would have to report it, and she's very vulnerable herself with MH issues.) What makes it even worse for me is that my DB used to be a client there.

This needs to be exposed but I can't do that right now, because it would seriously further damage my DB's MH and I can't risk it.

I still go to church, a Pentecostal church now. I think a church that's part of a proper denomination is less of a law unto itself.

I don't want to derail the thread or say too much more on the faith issue, as its something everyone has to find out for themselves if that is the path they are on.

As far as the Church is concerned, I have met people with a shared spiritual sense which is wonderful and also everyday-normal (I'm Catholic by the way).

But the Church is full of people, and people are flawed, the darkness is part of our society's nature and shadow. IME sometimes atheists and agnostics can be more caring and loving people of course, so I don't "judge" people on their declared faith necessarily, and I used to be an atheist in my younger adult years.

I sympathise with those who have been let down as I have sometimes felt disappointed and crushed, by some of people in the Church, but I've experienced this with non-religious people too. Even in my years amongst the Buddhist fraternity I experienced a couple of crushing disappointments with teachers who proved to be less than I'd hoped.

There are many spiritual people in the Church, and one can find solace and inspiration and love there, in my experience. But one can be sorely disappointed too. Its just the way it is. Jesus was let down by the apostles time and time again. So you could say its nothing new.

Love and light