Life of trauma

[Neverending2020]

Is there anyone else who has gone through life experiencing trauma after trauma after trauma? Who has always tried to do the right thing - be a good child, study, work hard, pay your bills etc but due to circumstances beyond your control has just never had peace?

Yes, I don't normally bother trying to talk about it because its clear people don't believe me. The first incident on my medical record is at 18 months, I'm NC with my family and I've never had a normal, non abusive relationship.

Not many people know the ins and outs. Do you get the 1. Ignored 2. Pitied and 3. Assume I am mad/brought in on myself /there's another side to the story. I generally think not many people can cope with so much going wrong, it threatens their security somehow..

The one I dread is the pitied. Like I'm a weak thing who doesn't know how to run my life (and they're going to help me 🙄).

I often get the impression that people just dont believe me. That this amount of shit cannot have actually happened to one person in this period of time, or that Im exagerating. Horrible.

God, this is so weird. I was literally thinking the same thing today and feeling really alone. And angry I'd had so much bad luck. Its easy to blame yourself. And yes the feeling of being pitied when you do open up is awful- like people know you're damaged. It makes it hard fo trust people and open up.

SA as a child; abusive relationships (one w a terrible alcoholic man when I was 15); groomed by a peodophile policeman who I had sex with at 14; horrible and abusive mother; cheated on by first guy I really loved with a prostitute and found a cabinet full of disturbing things like secret videos he'd made of sex with people without their permissions; numerous relationships w ppl that have been decent that I didnt want to continue; bells palsy; meningitis; fell in love again early 30s and bloke got cancer and I ended up being his carer for 1.5 years; then dad diagnosed with terminal cancer and ended up caring for him till be died whilst being horribly abused by my mum throughout (as was he); then a month after he died got dumped by boyfriend who'd had cancer for a 22 year old because I wasnt fun anymore; just come out of a relationship w a guy who turned out to be essentially stalking or at least inappropriately interested in his female coworker. I'm 35 and bloody exhausted! On the outside, I'm attractive, have a great job and career and managed to go to oxford uni despite growing up on a council estate. But scratch beneath the surface and I'm an anxious mess who just keeps thinking 'why me'and also blaming myself

Really Identify with this. I have had good things in my life but also so much trauma. I do at times think 'why me?' though I know the answer is 'why not you?'

I have to be really careful to have patience with others in everyday life, and remember that not knowing what it is like to face adversity is generally considered a good thing.

This is very much a thing for me. I have become able to cope with an insane amount or level of things, out of necessity, but to the point where I then find myself thinking 'why can't you just get on with it?' when I see others struggling with relatively minor things.

I had a friend who practically had a breakdown when her kitchen was being fitted and things were going wrong.

I made all the right noise but I found it very very hard to have any sympathy. I reasoned she may have underlying anxiety. But I generally think this, the kitchen fitting, was the extent of her stress. I was aghast.

Both my parents had incredibly traumatic up bringings in different ways which followed them into adulthood. Life isn't perfect but now they have cut ties with the people who caused alot of the grief they are in a quiet period now. However they have largely managed to bring me up in a way that I have become resilient and have not experienced any trauma in my life. As I found out more about the adversities they have faced I am in awe of the way they have just kept plodding on and bounced back.

Its lovely to hear of people who've made it through well and even become great parents.

That kitchen story I can really relate to. A good friend was moaning about how the £2m house which she lives in rent free in a very salubrious is just that bit too far away from the train station (10 minutes). Her husband is a vicar so they never have had to pay rent.

When he retires they'll have nothing btw, nowhere to live - unless they've invested in property somewhere along the line. I doubt they'll be able to afford a £2m house, however

@StartingAgain33

Bless you , you have still done so well ! I have nothing . I was bullied at school daily for my looks , then bullied at my part time job by another staff member . I had relentless poor health and had a year off uni, was emotionally abused by an ex partner for two years.Then got into another relationship with an alcoholic with a brain injury ,during which I had a suspected neurological condition and had a breakdown . After this I was attacked at work and had 6 months off. Following this I was relentlessly bullied at my work place by senior members of staff and management.

Finally , I was emotionally abused by a guy I met online who insulted my looks / whole being triggering me from my school days .

I try every avenue to improve , prevent etc but I still suffer .
I’m exhausted .

its so tough as an adult survivor of childhood trauma. I have close friends who are a social worker and a GP and I have spoken to both of them on occasion of my childhood, they both say how well i've overcome it and what a great parent I am to my children but I find it very hard to talk about how it still affects me now in many ways as I feel I should be 'over' it all and then coupled with the 'shame' I feel for being NC with my adoptive mother as everyone else seems to have loving parents in thier life.
I have severe abandonment issues that affect me know. I take it very very hard when someone leaves my life as it brings back all the feelings of abandonment by the various parental figures in my life over the years.
I also find it very very hard when my children get to the same age as I was when pivotal things happened in my childhood and find it very hard to comprehend how someone could do those things/behave like that to an innocent child and sometimes i actually feel jealous that my children have such a charmed and loving life even though that is what I strive for eveyday. I want them to never have to go through what I went though but I sometimes feel jealous that they have this life and why didnt I? I didnt do anythign to deserve it - but its such a shameful thing to admit to in real life!

to all. Yes it is totally exhausting, more than anyone outside this history can imagine.

@BrieAndChilli I don't have kids but can totally understand that feeling of jealousy. I sometimes feel it re friends, and I have imagined feeling it about my own children. I think it's a natural, if very difficult emotion to handle, and as long as you're not taking it out on them it's harmless. And very sad you went through so much that it is still having such an effect. I have huge trust and abandonment issues, which definitely interfere with relationships and daily functioning, often becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.

@Noluck11 I'm so sorry to hear all of that. You've not had any respite from a terrible, terrible time and lots of character assassination. Of course you're exhausted. Do you have anything you can do that will 'anchor' you in life and make you feel better, like exercise, seeing friends etc? Is there any way to just protect yourself for a bit - maybe not have any relationships until you've had time to recover and get yourself together a bit? That's what I'm going to do now. Realised I was inviting drama into my life with relationships and think I need a period of a couple of years of just..peace. Figure if I just live quietly maybe I'll get it?

@StartingAgain33 I definitely have abandonment issues, but I also find that once someone is 'out' of my life eg moves away I kind of cut them out, not conciously but its like i say to myself, they've gone forget them and i find it hard to keep in touch with people because when I was a child people would leave and never look back.
No I dont take my jealousy out on the kids, if anything i'm a little too soft on them!

@brieandchill I can understand that and do it a bit too! It's kind of like an 'in or out' mentality - can't handle the greys in between.

Lol, I'd probably be like that too re kids! We don't want to in any way harm them when we know what it feels like

@springydaff I think they're looking at buying a property now! She's also thinking of giving up her job and writing a novel. Luxury eh

You have to laugh 😅

@Mittens030869 I turned my back on the church as a child when every one in our congregation knew I was being abused and did nowt. Not one adult- instead I was the village pariah, too dirty from the abuse play with their kids.
Thirty years later (last year), I went to a church fundraiser with DH for his work. Hadn’t been around the church for years, was even considering sending dc to a church high school. Sat next to a newly retired teacher who proudly informed me that when one of his pupils confided in him that she had been raped, him and his pious wife took it upon themselves to decide she had asked for it as she didn’t fight back, and bought the church school and congregation along with them. Nothing has changed, nothing! So thankful to be out.

Grannon is a narc. Not recommended. Most people who lecture on NPD are narcs. Lundy is an idiot. Freedom program is utter bollocks.

These are people, making real money on the back of very serious domestic abuse.

I've got Lundys book. He mentions NPD twice. Twice! That book should be LITTERED with references. People who harm cannot have affective empathy.

All DA is committed by people who have NPD. This is societies greatest secret. It's running at nearly 17%. Its killing directly or indirectly 1 woman in the UK every day

Yes, I had a lot of trauma. I’ve said lots of times on here what has happened to me. People are often disbelieving of me in RL because it continually sounds like sob stories and not a realistic amount of trauma for someone of my age. Especially when I was a teen as I was gaslit a lot by people who were supposed to protect us.

My take away from it all is health anxiety, fear of dying young like my dad, and I hoard (clothes) because I am so afraid that if I get rid of something and need it again in a years time, I won’t be able to afford it again. We lived in such terrible conditions. And I never let anyone else look after my
children. I am quite lucky to just have these issues really, I’m grateful for that. I spent a lot of time working it all out for myself in my 20’s and I don’t really get very upset about it all unless I’m out of the blue triggered by something or see stuff in the paper and think - I wish people thought like that then! On the positive side, I do a lot of fun and active things with the kids and people ask me why I don’t sit still but I think fear of dying makes me want to fill every minute with something amazing.

I don’t go near the church.

I have become able to cope with an insane amount or level of things, out of necessity, but to the point where I then find myself thinking 'why can't you just get on with it?' when I see others struggling with relatively minor things.

And this 100%

@Honsandrebels I'm so sorry that you went through what you did, it really does make me sad that the church has let so many of us down. And they claim to be so devout when what they're doing is so contrary to the teachings of the Bible. Jesus had a real heart for children.

What's worse is that so many of them have children of their own, would they turn a blind eye if one of their own was being abused!?

I think the problem is that so many Christians hold on to the belief that children should 'respect their elders'.

As for this retired teacher, he needs to be named and shamed. Retired teachers sometimes become private tutors, or do supply teaching. He might be a Sunday School teacher. Quite apart from the fact that what he did was despicable, he went against school protocols, teachers have a duty of care towards their pupils. He should have reported it to the safeguarding lead, and the police and SS should have been involved. I just hope that poor girl reported it to someone who took action to report it.

Sadly, in the case of my friend's DD, her family took her then DH's side as well, as he comes across very plausibly. (I liked him myself and never had any suspicions of him.)

She and her DD reported it to the police but then but then backed out, as she was too fragile.

Ahh tis Sunday. Church day.

I think what people need to grasp is that ANY spiritual organisation has actually been designed to abuse others. Catholic, CofE, Judaism, Islam. Its not been consciously designed btw.The main reason we have organised religion is for others to have power over US. It's about Narc supply, fuel and of course, power.

I can so relate to these stories. My M and D are narcs. They would drag me to church every week. I know the CofE creed of my heart. In the creed you hear two things, love your God and love your neighbour as yourself. There are no other commandments Greater than these.

My parents abused me from the day I was born. D has had multiple affairs. My M attempted to control me sexually. They are incapable of seeing what they did as abuse. Because they are unaware. I am aware.

Society struggles to recognise how abusers function because if it did then society itself would collapse. Its THAT prevalent.

People with NPD are running at nearly 17%

My advice is tell no one you have been abused. They will not understand, or are too feeble to help you or in the worst case, will use it against you.

And ignore counsellors who do not even understand the first principles of their profession but will gladly take your money.

I'm so sorry to hear of the appalling experiences at the church I'm not surprised.. . I wish some of you could experience some truly good things in the church, because it is there. Tonight, at church (!), we heard about some of the things passed at the Synod this week : full reparations (financial and otherwise) to those who have been sexually abused in the church, fully getting behind the Windrush generation, carbon neutral by 2030 (that's a tall order but they're aiming for it). I don't know when you experienced those appalling things at the church honsandrebels but it's never too late to report to the Bishop in your area. I urge you to do so. These people are accountable. I'm so very sorry you experienced that.

Re the 17%: tbh, having battled a probable narc for decades (exh), I prefer to focus on the 83% - a significant majority, no? It can drag you down so horribly to focus on the sickest among us. I've had enough of a hard life, my focus has to be on the good. There really is plenty of it.

I'm glad you asked this question OP because I was going to post something on a similar theme, so I'll post it in there as well - do people find that if you DID tell them something about what you had been through/are going through you get a lot of "hmm oh dear" responses? Or that some people insinuate/assume you brought it all on yourself, or are in some way a lesser person to them?

I've had friends dump me because I've talked about some of my issues only wanting me to be "positive", yet if anything happened to them like a delay with their builder it would be the end of the world. I've recently had people say to me "gosh your life is like a soap!" or "you always have something going wrong don't you Dishing?!" with the old head tilt/tinkly laugh. Saddest thing is a lot of it affects my DCs but I find people seems to spend a lot of time trying to minimise or trivialise.

Oh and don't get me started by people looking on the bright side etc - usually people whose most traumatic incident was a second cousin who died of natural causes when they were 103. Its easy to look on the bright side when your life is so ... bright!!