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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dumped by guy with childhood trauma - help me understand

60 replies

quitelikedancemusic · 09/02/2020 11:54

I met a guy I really liked and started to fall in love with. He seemed kind, caring, loving and smart.. He told me he was falling in love with me. In retrospect I can see that he wasn't in love with me at all - I was loving and supportive to him and he liked the way that made him feel- I soothed his trauma. He once told me what he liked about me and it was clear he was falling for an idealised version of me, that the real me could never live up to. Which is what happened.

He had a violent mentally ill mother. She used to beat the crap out of him from as early as he can remember. I knew he couldn't cope with angry women. But it turned out he couldn't cope with moderately irritated women either. He said something to me once I found personally offensive and I snapped at him. And that was it. It triggered his trauma. I have never seen a reaction like it. His whole body and face went tense and angry - his fists clenched - he could barely speak - he was clearly struggling to control himself. And that was it. I apologised till I was blue in the face - but he couldn't move past it. He tried to work through it for a short while though we only met once after that. All his communications after that incident though were polite but cold. It was clear that who I was had been been destroyed to him. We are now not in contact at all.

That was in December. It still hurts. I feel like he emptied me of all my humanity and and reshaped me in the image of his trauma. I just disappeared in that one incident.

I don't know what I want from this thread - maybe somewhere just to write this or someone who understands trauma to help me understand.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 09/02/2020 11:58

You've already hit the nail on the head. He needed you to be kind and caring and supportive and that was what he was looking for but his issues mean he's not able to have a normal relationship. You were in saviour mode and that rarely works out in relationships. You need to focus on finding someone who doesn't need saving. You can still give as much love and care but it will be reciprocated.

Ladyratterley · 09/02/2020 12:03

I dated a very similar man once. Unfortunately his experiences growing up had left him with misogynistic tendencies. I think he would have to undergo A LOT of therapy to function in a healthy relationship.
In as gentle a way as possible this isn’t about you. It’s about him. And you can’t save him, as Doyoumind states.
It’s sad, but please move on and find someone else.

LikeDuhWhatever · 09/02/2020 12:06

He sounds like too much hard work. You are not a therapist so don’t take on people who will burden you with such a baggage. Imagine living with a man like this and every time you have the slightest disagreement between you, his reaction will be like you described above, even if it was not your fault. Sounds exhausting.
I wish people like him would work through their trauma before getting into relationships and affecting their partner with it.

quitelikedancemusic · 09/02/2020 12:07

No he's not able to have a normal relationship. When I met him he told me that he finally felt that he was in a place in his life to have a relationship - but clearly not.

I guess I veer between feeling sorry for him and angry. It would have helped if he had said that his trauma was making him react like that. But he kept saying I had made him feel like that, and it could only have been worse if I had hit him, and he felt that he was repeating the pattern of picking violent women like his mother! All I did was snap at him because he was rude to me! I'm nothing like his mother!

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 09/02/2020 12:11

All I did was snap at him because he was rude to me! I'm nothing like his mother!

But he'll continue to transfer his mother on to his romantic relationships until he can deal with his childhood fully. None of this was your fault.

SimplySteveRedux · 09/02/2020 12:19

I was abused and neglected as a child, also sexually abused, to this day I cannot stand a woman being aggressive or raising their voice. Men can fuck off too.

However, I've internalised things and over time I've dotted used to the feelings the actions provoke, but they don't solve the pain.

You cannot heal him. I have never asked my DP to mother me, literally intrinsically wear kids gloves around me. She know the basics, and she'll sometimes ask questions, but she is my partner, not my mother. We are equals. I think you'll struggling with this as a relationship @quitelikedancemusic , he will never see you as an equal.

quitelikedancemusic · 09/02/2020 12:33

Thank you for posting SimplySteve. I appreciate it.

Yes, you are right, we would never have been equals. It would always have been me giving to him, and squashing my own feelings down so as not to trigger him.

He totally loved bombed me (and himself) at a time I was very lonely so I really fell for him.

Though it was all a disaster waiting to happen. Time to move on.

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 09/02/2020 13:07

Good plan, and 9/10 for liking dance music (you lost a point as you might listen to utter crap)!

My best wishes.

quitelikedancemusic · 09/02/2020 13:47

{grin}

OP posts:
quitelikedancemusic · 09/02/2020 13:47
Grin

Hope emoticon works that time!

OP posts:
SophieSong · 09/02/2020 13:54

Sounds rough but others are right, he’s not able to have a healthy relationship. The lovebombing and idealisation is another sign - he has been looking for a woman to give him the live he never got from his mother in all likelihood which is why he put you on a pedestal and then crumpled at the tiniest sign of any anger.

On the plus side, at least you understand it’s not about you and that as things stand it can never be anything but an unhealthy relationship. So many people try to ‘save’ someone with these sorts of issues and end up spending years being treated pretty appallingly. Hope your ex manages to find the (professional) help he needs, it’s a very sad situation, but you’ll do best to move on.

quitelikedancemusic · 09/02/2020 14:18

Thanks Sophie, you are completely right. And it is sad for him - he is in his 50's and clearly desperate for a life partner but his issues mean he can't maintain a relationship. On one hand he seems to recognise the impact of the trauma, on the other he still blames the woman for being angry, rather than recognising he is seeing violent behaviour in normal emotions that other people are able to deal with and work through. He told me about another relationship where he suddenly dumped his ex as she got angry at him. I bet it was something similar to me!.

OP posts:
LettyFisher · 09/02/2020 18:17

I have dated someone like this too OP. He acts in a similar way to your ex with anger, but also does have quite abusive/controlling/anger issues too which were getting worse over time (it was his dad who hit him and his mother who watched it happen - so I wonder if he has issues with women too). You have my full sympathies. He is getting counselling now.

I think you have probably had a lucky escape. I absolutely fell in love with mine but needed to get some distance. I don't know what will happen.

quitelikedancemusic · 09/02/2020 18:35

Thanks Letty. I think I have probably had a lucky escape too. It's hard when I had such strong feelings for someone, who was so loving and tender when he wasn't triggered, even when my rational self is able to see he was not good for me and would have seriously fucked with my head. You are right I was lucky but it still makes me sad - I guess for the loss of the hope I had for what might of been when it all seemed so good and I was happy.

Oh well, onwards and ever onwards.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 09/02/2020 18:42

It sounds like he's suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (Disclaimer - complete guess from your description)

What happens is, when he is triggered, he is having a flash back and experiencing how it felt as a child. He's not experiencing it as a grown man and is back there, powerless and terrified. That's what you saw on his face. He is unable to react as a grown adult to that kind of trigger.

He wasn't struggling to control himself, he was re-experiencing the trauma.

What may have happened (again, no idea, just a guess) is when his mother snapped at him, he knew what was coming - a beating. So his body is tensed waiting for that to happen, full of adrenaline.

quitelikedancemusic · 09/02/2020 18:56

Thanks for that 12345bm, that's a helpful insight. His emotions clearly were still very raw whenever he spoke about past. He has a lot of raw anger at social services, and the school and the health service for not protecting him. And a lot of anger about how the effects of his childhood are damaging his adulthood. He did say he has some sort of hyper vigilance where he is constantly alert to potential danger and has difficulty relaxing and sleeping. So I think that you may be right that he was right back there, experiencing the trauma and full of adrenaline.
He also said that he feels that he is a shit person so I think when I snapped it caused him to believe that I thought he was an awful person - in fact that is what he pretty much said. It really hurt that he wiped out all the good things I thought about him and had told him I thought about him, but what you said about him reliving the trauma makes sense.

OP posts:
UYScuti · 09/02/2020 18:57

It's not your fault OP

Craftycorvid · 09/02/2020 19:06

I’m sorry this has happened, OP, it sounds confusing and hurtful. Your guy is clearly damaged and needs to invest in some good therapy. That said, Complex ptsd doesn’t excuse abusive behaviour. I’m afraid the cynic in me says this man’s ‘traumatic childhood’ (all too real though it may be) is a smokescreen for being a controlling arse with women. You would have been treading on eggshells all the time. You’d have begun to fear his temper and he’d have told you it was a flashback and out of his control. Consider yourself well out of this one. You were great until you showed a normal and proportionate amount of irritation - just keep that in mind.

Hepsibar · 09/02/2020 19:14

I think you dodged the bullet here.

Eckhart · 09/02/2020 19:21

I've no helpful suggestions but I can empathise. I was left by someone who had been telling me right up to the previous day how much she loved me, how amazing I was, specifically, how gentle I was. Then I told her in the afternoon that I was feeling a bit distant (I was tired), and apparently I pushed her away in my sleep that night 'unkindly'. She told me by text that it was over. That she could never be with somebody so mean and passive aggressive as me. I was flabbergasted.

There's no rational explanation. It's so hard to deal with. Her childhood was filled with such abuse. I think it's impossible to trust, after being raised like that. I feel for you, OP.

quitelikedancemusic · 09/02/2020 19:37

Thanks everyone. Crafty - I see where you are coming from, and I think I would have had to suppress myself and normal emotions to be in a relationship with him. But I don't think he was controlling. I think he tried hard to be a good person but was just seriously fucked up and couldn't overcome it. I think he tried to be giving but ultimately couldn't, as he had to centre himself to protect himself. (I do veer between feeling sorry for him and feeling hurt and upset with him!)

Thanks for sharing Eckhart. That does really ring bells with how he was. God, how fucked up for everyone!

OP posts:
12345kbm · 09/02/2020 19:39

Hypervigilance is part of C-PTSD; he'll be easily startled when he's feeling vulnerable or triggered.

I'm not surprised he's angry OP. He was a defenceless child and wasn't helped by any of the agencies meant to help him. Left to suffer neglect and beatings.

People who have suffered such abuse, often don't realise until middle age how much it has affected them, especially when they realise what life could have been like for them. It's also common after having children yourself, for that to sink in. How can anyone do that to innocent children and why didn't anyone intervene?

He'll feel an awful amount of shame. That feeling of shame and helplessness is also triggered and floods him when he's suffering a flashback.

opticaldelusion · 09/02/2020 19:45

I'm in love with someone with complex PTSD. It's a shit place to be. Not much help I know but I really empathise. Probably best to cut your losses, lick your wounds and move on. You can't fix him.

user18463585026 · 09/02/2020 19:55

It's right for you that this is over as he's clearly sadly too traumatised. It's not your job to fix him.

Trauma means the memory hasn't been processed and filed into your memories clearly labelled as "in the past" but is stuck and continually re-activated as if it were still happening. The brain can't tell that the trauma isn't happening again right now in the present. Traumatic experiences basically get stuck in a different part of the brain to your other memories.

There are techniques people with trauma can learn to help them cope with the experience of trauma intruding into the present, flashbacks, etc, but they don't stop them happening. If you realise you're having a flashback you can tell yourself it will pass or that it's not happening now. But sometimes flashbacks are so intense people completely disconnect from the present and have no awareness it isn't really happening right now. They may not even hear or see you.

Flashbacks aren't just visual, they can be auditory, physical, solely emotional (so you suddenly relive the fear you had in that moment in response to a trigger but without any other element of the memory) which can be harder to separate past from present (compared to visual) - what markers do you use to navigate that if you suddenly experience overwhelming terror and you don't know where it came from?

Hyper vigilance is also part of trauma. The brain is in overdrive monitoring the environment for threats. At a simple level as far as the brain is concerned the trauma is still active and therefore so is the threat, so it's trying to be protective.

he still blames the woman for being angry, rather than recognising he is seeing violent behaviour in normal emotions that other people are able to deal with and work through.

Untraumatised people get upset at being snapped at and tend to be appreciative of an apology. Nobody should have to just deal with someone snapping at them. That aside...

Obviously I can't know for sure but I think it's more likely that his brain genuinely interprets being snapped at as an active threat, and at the same time his trauma is being re-activated and replaying in his body in the present. Somebody that traumatised may never be able tolerate being snapped at without feeling unsafe and reliving their trauma.

Just like some veterans with PTSD are never able to cope with sudden/loud noises. Or an abused rescue animal who even years later when she trusts you and feels safe with you will still panic if you move your body suddenly.

Lots of people aren't that tuned in to their own tone and volume and body language, and may not even notice they are speaking or behaving differently or in a way that signals aggression, whereas traumatised people in a state of hyper vigilance will pick up on tiny changes in the people around them that might indicate a threat. Especially if someone lived with chronic abuse where it is likely that as part of their survival they had to learn to try and predict their abuser and respond to tiny changes. Some abusers develop subtle behavioural cues they can use in front of others to warn their victim they will be harmed later.

Living with trauma is a different world.

His trauma is not your fault. Trauma is a serious injury and can be utterly debilitating to try and live with.

It's also possible as pp have suggested he was just an abusive man using trauma as his excuse. Since you were drawn in by what you describe as lovebombing might not hurt for you to do the Freedom Programme to decide and to protect yourself before you date again.

Since you're out of the relationship and asking about trauma I figured I would respond from that POV.

Surplus2requirements · 09/02/2020 19:59

It's not your fault and being fair it's not his either, that doesn't change the fact it's not going to work.

It does very much sound like complex PTSD, it's completely irrational literally triggers placing you back into traumatic events both mentally and physically. The emotions he will have experienced in relation to you as he recovers from the episode will not be much more rational and you really don't need to take on board any blame though to him they are completely real and authentic.

It's desperately sad that some have been handed a lifetime work and that some will never get there no matter how much they wish to be whole.

To PP suggesting PTSD can be used as a smokescreen to control others you need to give your head a wobble.

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