Dumped by guy with childhood trauma - help me understand

[quitelikedancemusic]

I met a guy I really liked and started to fall in love with. He seemed kind, caring, loving and smart.. He told me he was falling in love with me. In retrospect I can see that he wasn't in love with me at all - I was loving and supportive to him and he liked the way that made him feel- I soothed his trauma. He once told me what he liked about me and it was clear he was falling for an idealised version of me, that the real me could never live up to. Which is what happened.

He had a violent mentally ill mother. She used to beat the crap out of him from as early as he can remember. I knew he couldn't cope with angry women. But it turned out he couldn't cope with moderately irritated women either. He said something to me once I found personally offensive and I snapped at him. And that was it. It triggered his trauma. I have never seen a reaction like it. His whole body and face went tense and angry - his fists clenched - he could barely speak - he was clearly struggling to control himself. And that was it. I apologised till I was blue in the face - but he couldn't move past it. He tried to work through it for a short while though we only met once after that. All his communications after that incident though were polite but cold. It was clear that who I was had been been destroyed to him. We are now not in contact at all.

That was in December. It still hurts. I feel like he emptied me of all my humanity and and reshaped me in the image of his trauma. I just disappeared in that one incident.

I don't know what I want from this thread - maybe somewhere just to write this or someone who understands trauma to help me understand.

private, Yes people with cPTSD can have successful relationships and go on to live what appear to be normal lives from an outsiders view. Hold down jobs, smile at all the right times, be able to laugh at a joke.

But that’s not what I was objecting to. I was objecting to your illusion of complete recovery with no more flashbacks, nightmares or intrusive images. That does not ever happen. The burden of these traumatic memories is for life. The hypervigilence that triggers these things is hardwired into the brain as a survival mechanism. cPTSD shows up on MRI scans because the structure of the brain is permanently altered due to abuse through the formative years. You are wrong to assert that if a person with cPTSD just got “treatment” they can escape all this. Many cannot.

plan I suggest you go back and read what I wrote more carefully.

By the way - again - we are not talking about formally diagnosed ptsd here - we are talking about a man who was reacted very strongly to something the OP said or did, who retained self control (even though she was frightened by the experience and thought about escape) and then finished with her.

But in any event:

cPTSD shows up on MRI scans because the structure of the brain is permanently altered due to abuse through the formative years latest research shows changes in the brain structure as the person heals - children and parents.

You are wrong to assert that if a person with cPTSD just got “treatment” they can escape all this things have moved on a lot as neuro science has developed and there are now some really effective treatments for trauma.

The burden of these traumatic memories is for life. The hypervigilence that triggers these things is hardwired into the brain as a survival mechanism I am a survivor of fairly severe childhood trauma and this is not how I would describe myself for sure.

I realise that the OP didn't like what I wrote, but I didn't ask questions I simply said that she might not have it right, she is relying on her own perceptions and no knowledge of trauma (she has said as she wanted to understand it better). And given the circs she should take the post down.

"children and adults" not "children and parents".

It is also my understanding that the brain is "plastic' and can rewire itself with the right treatment / therapy. People can recover and should be given that hope.

I spend a lot of time exploring this because of the man I love. I don't think it's necessary to talk in terms of complete cures; that you have cPTSD and then with the right treatment, you don't any more. That's unrealistic. But for the majority of people, the right treatment will definitely help. It will alleviate the worst of the symptoms and allow for a more stable life. If they're prepared to engage of course...

Also fMRI scans might well tell you a lot about the brain but they're mostly of use to a neuroscientist, not the person suffering. We don't view our mental health in terms of brain functionality. It's about behaviours, symptoms, feelings. So it's kind of irrelevant whether an fMRI shows any differences (unless those differences inform treatments in the future).

You can scan anyone's brain and see weird shit, frankly.

@opticaldelusion I too have spent a lot of time exploring this because of the man I love. I wonder if your relationship experience would bear many similarities to mine. I hope you have support. It's a hard road.

I get this - so good to read similar story
I fell in love with man and his environment, practical skill, warmth, and found he’d been traumatised sent to school,
parents w class seemed uncaring given his reports of their responses to family issues- an only child.
All this on first face to face meeting (classic needy Narc stuff or just human). Bullied at school yet railroaded into marriage and fatherhood- a loving g dad - divorced and leaving his family to return to home area where he looked after his mother (from his own place, and quite a womaniser, but clearly wanting stability - with the right one ).
He projected stuff onto me and bullied - that’s how I discovered narcissism! (Google). But your point about not being able to raise your voice reminded me -
I regret my assertive self, and sometimes show mild irritation/anger at current issues- I’m quite passionate about beliefs- he couldn’t deal with that. Also, The slightest mishap or mistake doing something practical together and instead of us laughing g it off, he’d fly of the handle as if he was being blamed - and I’d be ordered out and away and the day ruined.
I’d done a lot of work on myself - yet he unearthed deep self doubts etc - refused to appreciate even small gifts shared eg my art - he looked at - no comment; he thought he was a bit of an artist himself tho.
My career - he reduced to the negative; things others would consider impt for progress, or any talk of achievements/passions, he’d accuse me of ‘complaining the world didn’t recognise (me) or what’
Yet several woman later (a few months after death of his mother) he is with someone (he puts on a pedestal)… who he tells has risen above her childhood trauma (SAb), I can see from her career she is a planner (he the same)
a planner and used to taking the lead. She’s straight out of second widowhood with all the home set up and ready - and within a few months of him loosing his mother!
She lives in a part of the country nearer his children.. yet wants to live together with him in his home - way away from his kids! ?
Yet, the assumption way back was that after his mother passed, he’d move near his kids and gkids - his desire always - to be back near them. Yet!…the new partner prefers his already home, and part of the country- wanting to live with him there!! His trauma is freezing him again- he’s going along with it.

I can’t work out who is the victim here. I see only that she has replaced his Mommy and he hasn’t the balls (no real insight or self awareness tools to address),to put his foot down to continue his plan to move near his kids…OR she’s in for a shock when his LB stage is over. Either way - and while looking on at this perfect set up as he reports it - like you ‘…dancer’, MY self esteem has been broken and I look on as I’ve done a year or so now, and wonder - why isn’t she getting the shit I did!… or maybe the ongoing verbal abuse he got from his mother and his low mood and his projecting (onto me), has died with her. I still feel unseen, not good enough and angry…it’s hard to shake off. It’s hard to process when someone else (with similar interests etc) fits the bill .
He’s like another person - well - maybe so, until he really looks at his feelings about agreeing to stay at such a distance from his kids and g kids.. I think he’s too cut off from his inner child to realise he’s been railroaded . She’s choosing where to live over his original plan, to go back to live near his kids. ..and that’s near her own place actually! Arch manipulator she is - no kids herself. I’m hoping the sh.. hits the fan ie she gets a dose of what the rest of us have had-..and that he wakes up.
He’s a lovable narc and had the chance to really get what he needs - his abusive mother gone, and chance to see his kids, yet his trauma is binding him to this woman..she’s played a long sneaky glueing . God knows it’s upset me for him!.. (and I realise that has to do with my own stuff).
Cant believe I actually feel concerned he’s been railroaded- Actually feel he’s not strong enough to do what he needs- his need for attachment is so strong - she’s nailed him- where SHE wants to be. I can’t feel anger towards him.. just anger towards the situation which made him messed up. And now he’s hooked up with someone perpetuating it.
Im struggling to keep my lip buttoned- from my own grievances ie how she’s manipulated his needs into feeding her own selfish choice with no regard for his happiness.

@Surplus2requirements To PP suggesting PTSD can be used as a smokescreen to control others you need to give your head a wobble.

Some people absolutely do use PTSD as an excuse to be physically abusive and controlling. Its fairly widely known as a phenomenon and a good way of getting sympathy for bad behaviour. I think that this and @Eckhart 's example are much more examples of what CPTSD really looks like when it's real. e.g. he had a very strong emotional reaction/went back to being a child but he didn't start hitting. It changed how he was able to relate to his partner though through no fault of the partner. Its when people are physically abusive but the next day are trying to win their partner back (repeat by a 100) that its bullshit.

It isn't anyone's fault for "triggering their trauma" because triggers can be literally anything but at the same time, sometimes very good, nice people can be incapable of being in healthy relationships because of this. Its sad but it isn't your fault.

Sorry just to clarify I don't mean that no-one with CPTSD is incapable of being in a healthy relationship ever. That would be bleak. But if someone isn't at that point in time then they aren't. There is no perfect partner who can magically make it OK.