Dumped by guy with childhood trauma - help me understand

[quitelikedancemusic]

I met a guy I really liked and started to fall in love with. He seemed kind, caring, loving and smart.. He told me he was falling in love with me. In retrospect I can see that he wasn't in love with me at all - I was loving and supportive to him and he liked the way that made him feel- I soothed his trauma. He once told me what he liked about me and it was clear he was falling for an idealised version of me, that the real me could never live up to. Which is what happened.

He had a violent mentally ill mother. She used to beat the crap out of him from as early as he can remember. I knew he couldn't cope with angry women. But it turned out he couldn't cope with moderately irritated women either. He said something to me once I found personally offensive and I snapped at him. And that was it. It triggered his trauma. I have never seen a reaction like it. His whole body and face went tense and angry - his fists clenched - he could barely speak - he was clearly struggling to control himself. And that was it. I apologised till I was blue in the face - but he couldn't move past it. He tried to work through it for a short while though we only met once after that. All his communications after that incident though were polite but cold. It was clear that who I was had been been destroyed to him. We are now not in contact at all.

That was in December. It still hurts. I feel like he emptied me of all my humanity and and reshaped me in the image of his trauma. I just disappeared in that one incident.

I don't know what I want from this thread - maybe somewhere just to write this or someone who understands trauma to help me understand.

Thanks everyone for all of the information about trauma and how it affects people. It's really helping me to understand him.

User 184, thanks for your detailed post. I would say that I did apologise over and over. I told him I knew I handled it badly and should have responded differently.
It is normal, as well I think, for people to be hurt by personally offensive and belittling comments. I didn't apologise for being upset by what he said, just for how I handled it.

I really don't think he is an abusive man. I really do think he tries hard to be a good person, and I really respected how he was trying to live his life in a caring way to others, given his background. He just can't do relationships because of all the things pp have so well described. I think you are all right that all those emotions and experiences of his childhood are still real and present for him.

Thanks so much everyone - i am glad I posted. It has really helped me to understand and feel more compassionately towards him. I can see better now that he really couldn't help how he is. That helps to depersonalise it all for me.

And helps me to see that I really could not cope with a relationship like that.

Optical

Surplus. I’ve a lot of compassion for ptsd and Cptsd. I work in this field. A person may both be very damaged and perpetuating the damage, unfortunately.

I think it depends a bit on the specifics of what was said in that exchange, and whether things had happened before then, in fact, which he had just let go and you snapping on that day was the last straw. Things you might not even have been aware of doing.

Also, the two things you list might well be not related. He fell for someone who didn't exist - and when he realised he wanted to finish with you. His past was a fact, but not related to how he behaved that day.

I am saying that because what you have described in the whole does not jump out at me as definitely unresolved trauma. He wasn't abusive at all if he simply tensed up and then finished with you, so I think the pp upthread has that wrong. The "lovebombing" sounds mutual if you were both falling for each other and as you say he was falling for a version of you which was not real. It is curious how people read that as him being the game player.

You have said he was rude and you snapped and that could indicate other problems not related to his trauma. If really it wasn't truly out of the blue, if he had in fact started to see you differently, him being "rude" might be an indication of that.

On the other hand, if he saw your your snapping as a pattern of who you really were, it explains why he might have eventually lost patience and finished with you.

In summary, he may have shared with you deep pain from his past, but he may have moved on and it may not be unresolved trauma. It may be that he wanted out of the relationship for other reasons.

Your snapping - if you also had a traumatic past, then you may have unresolved trauma. He may have realised that you weren't in a good place for a relationship, to play devil's advocate.

It just depends on when it happened, the specifics, and whether in fact it had happened before and he had simply not reacted and let it go on previous occasions.

It is normal, as well I think, for people to be hurt by personally offensive and belittling comments

Yes, I agree. I didn't mean to suggest you should have to take that. I readily admit I was in a more conceptual mindset by the time I wrote that part and added that in (about people not liking being snapped at) to try and show, I suppose, that it's not as simple as trauma response vs "normal" response and that different people have different experiences. I should have been less clumsy about it.

I'm glad, though, that this thread in the round has been helpful to you and helped you process and make sense of some things. Information can be quite powerful.

I have CPTSD, though not to quite the extent that this poor chap has.

It's my problem, nobody else's. I take responsibility for dealing with it (and hiding from people to not lay it on them, although I am open with close friends about it).

Imagine the worst thing that has ever happened to you. The death of someone close, a fleeting moment of fear when you thought a car was going to crash into you, things like that. Then combine them and add in that your body is a dangerous place to be and going to sleep at night is even more dangerous. And multiply that over most days for the rest of your life. Unless you get good therapy, in which case it will hopefully reduce to only being moments, or days rather than every day. There is no total escape. There is no "getting over it".

This man had some of the worst physical and emotional pain you can imagine, with adults who could have helped not doing so (which adds to the emotional pain immeasurably). He is living with a life limiting sickness that more than one person gave him.

If you feel anything towards him, empathy would be a good start.

And you absolutely shouldn't be in a relationship with him, because what it would ask from you would be completely unfair on you. But that doesn't make him a bad person. If he had a physical injury to represent his emotional wounds it would likely be very hard to look at. Total body disfigurement,, oozing puss etc. And you'd be horrified that the person he looked to for love - his mother - did that to him. Trouble with CPTSD is, like other things, it's invisible. Unlike other conditions though, it's caused by someone close to you and as a child, that is usually a caregiver/parent.

There are a lot of similarities between your experience and mine @quitelikedancemusic, except I was with my partner for 10 years before I knew he experienced trauma. I had sensed something was wrong for a long time and almost took on a protective, supportive caring role and took it upon myself to make sure he was ok, happy, not stressed etc. It had a massive impact on the dynamics of our relationship. After 10 years he let me know about the trauma, went to counselling and subsequently left me. By all accounts he is in a new relationship having the time of his life, meanwhile I am still picking up the pieces and feel massively used. So as much as it is a shame this continues to affect this mans life, it is probably for the best that you are not with him anymore.

@privacyprivacy, with all respect your analysis is completely wrong, and the fact that you describe his reaction as 'simply tensed up' shows you really haven't understood his reaction at all.

Before that incident he was telling me that he had finally found a woman who was perfect for him, telling me I was soothing the frightened child within him, that being with me was being in heaven, that I soothed him.

And that incident, it really wasn't just him tensing up. I have honestly never seen anything like it. It was alarming and frightening. I was mentally working through whether i could run to the door and out on to the street, if I needed to, before he got to me (I wouldn't have been able to). Every muscle in his body and face was tensed and tight, his fists were clenched, he was shaking ( I can now see this must have been from adrenaline), he could barely speak. I've never seen an expression like the one on his face. I have no doubt that PP was right; he was right back in those violent childhood experiences. His mom finally stopped beating him when one day he picked up a kitchen knife and her he would kill her if she touched him again. I think that he was like that as his body was both preparing for a beating and preparing to violently defend himself. Afterwards, he texted me to tell me that he had been badly triggered, and how the incident had brought up a lot of very difficult stuff for him, and that he wanted to be able to move past it but didn't know if he could. His subsequent texts told me how he was going through his process and was trying to deal with it, but ultimately he couldn't' deal with it. He told me he hated himself for not being able to and still being controlled by his trauma. Basically, he now associated me with those traumatic childhood experiences. That whole incident was entirely and exclusively about the trauma.

I can see now the whole relationship from start to finish was all centred on his trauma. He liked me as he had idealised me as someone who was soothing his trauma. He ended it because I became associated with those violent childhood memories: with his mother.

@wrinkledimplelover thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. You are right that he does deserve compassion and understanding and posts like yours and those of other people have really helped me to see that, so thank you again. It is deeply sad for him as he so desperately wants someone to share his life with.

@hopingforbettertimes Oh my god that is awful. I am so sorry that happened to you. I am not bloody surprised that you feel used! I really hope you find the decent man that you so clearly deserve. And you are right, it is best that I am not with him.
I know being in a relationship like that would have sucked everything out of me. My ex had serious issues too, different ones, but I really couldn't cope with another relationship where I had to manage myself to manage someone else's emotions/ difficulties.

Thanks again everyone. This thread has been a real eye opener, really informative and really helpful.

Really interesting thread. I have a partner with cptsd from childhood trauma.
It's heartbreaking. Soul destroying. My partner is constantly burdened by suicidal thoughts and plans. He is not easy to be in a relationship with but its not his fault he is so damaged.
In his best moments he is the most loving, kind, gentle, generous, thoughtful considerate being and I feel truly blessed to share my life with him. In our hardest times I wish we'd never met because no matter which path we go down now heartache is inevitable.
Seeing someone you love struggle with life everyday is heartbreaking. You have to constantly find ways to keep your own cup full and keep faith.

Op will you keep in touch with him?

@inmyshoes the OP has said that the man finished with her and they are not in touch. In relation to your situation, I am very sorry to hear about your partner. In recent years things have moved in relation to therapy for trauma and very effective ways are available to help people move on and recover. It is worth him finding a clinical psychologist who specialises in trauma. I could send you a link by PM if you like with more information.

@user18463585026 There are techniques people with trauma can learn to help them cope with the experience of trauma intruding into the present, flashbacks, etc, but they don't stop them happening

This isn't exactly right, according to my experience, it is possible to recover from trauma, and also to process memories so that they no longer trigger you.

To assume it is a "life time work" is incorrect too.

Many, many adults suffer from childhood trauma and move on successfully so that they live full happy lives and have good relationships.

I think @quitelikedancemusic that whatever the truth is here, if he or someone who knows him reads this, he may be identifiable. It is his life, his story. I would be very, very angry to see that someone I had "dumped" then wrote about anything I had told them in confidence, in trust, online afterwards. I think that the kindest and most loving thing you could do is seek answers to your questions in real life in relation to someone else's life, so that you are not telling someone else's story online, and get this deleted. You won't get anything other than a superficial commentary on trauma here whereas in real life you can go into things in detail with a therapist, in confidence. Though, he has finished with you, so possibly it is now time to just concentrate on yourself.

Just to explain my first post, below are both your quotes but they sound like they describe quite different scenarios:

Quote before my first post: But he kept saying I had made him feel like that, and it could only have been worse if I had hit him, and he felt that he was repeating the pattern of picking violent women like his mother

Quote after my first post: Afterwards, he texted me to tell me that he had been badly triggered, and how the incident had brought up a lot of very difficult stuff for him, and that he wanted to be able to move past it but didn't know if he could. His subsequent texts told me how he was going through his process and was trying to deal with it, but ultimately he couldn't' deal with it. He told me he hated himself for not being able to and still being controlled by his trauma. Basically, he now associated me with those traumatic childhood experiences. That whole incident was entirely and exclusively about the trauma

sorry the first bit was to @inmyshoos not @inmyshoes

@privateprivate The incident described wasn't witnessed by anybody so nobody would be able to identify either party by the events described. We don't know who/where OP is.

I think an anonymous Internet forum is the ideal place for OP to talk about her experience. She has been hurt by the sudden and unexpected end of her relationship. She has just as much right to talk about the events as her ex. His abuse should not make her feel silenced.

@privateprivate yes that would be helpful thanks although we have tried many times to find a good therapist with little success. We now have another psychiatric referal so hopefully we can get some help there too.

It's sad that he's so damaged but you can't fix him. Therapy may help but that's if he even wants it.

This kind of relationship is no fun and leads to all sorts of problems further down the line. You won't be allowed to have an opinion, you'll get frustrated, you'll feel guilty. By all means, give it a go if you want but what's going to happen when you both encounter life's challenges?

@inmyshoos I will find it and send it later today

@Eckhart My worry is that the man would definitely recognise themselves, and anyone who knows him well and a bit about this relationship might well too. It would make someone feel horrendous to read something like this written about them by someone they had trusted. It isn't just the one incident where no one was there, it is how the dynamics are described, the situation generally, the OP's language and writing style. You find on MN that you can recognise people you know fairly easily, and also where people change names a lot to try to protect identity people who have read their posts a couple of times in the past will recognise who they are.

It is the OP's choice, but I wouldn't have done this, personally.

And also many people suffer from trauma and recover but the way they are being written about here - so sad, so damaged, you can't fix them, they can't have a relationship - it is quite simply wrong to generalise, but also pretty insulting and potentially humiliating for anyone who is has suffered trauma but yet is not an emotional cripple.

Privateprivate - I am not quite sure what your motivation is to post here other than to try to pick me apart. In fact, I ended up giving more details than I had originally, precisely in response to your questioning and fabricated analysis of my post.

Those two quotes are not from different situations and I struggle to see how you see them that way. in both quotes he is clearly saying he now associates me with his trauma.

I have found everyone else really helpful and supportive. Thanks to everyone else.

private Yes I agree that it would be horrible for him. But he left her. I don't think it's a good idea, after your partner leaves you, to continue to put their needs above your own. OP needs to take care of her own needs now, and that's completely understandable.

You're concerned that she is breaking his trust. He broke her trust massively by doing an emotional 180. Abuse may be a reason, but it doesn't make it ok. If he's able to hurt her like that, she shouldn't be expected to pussyfoot around his feelings.

Thanks Eckhart. And the chance of him ever finding out about this post is vanishingly remote. But of course, if I give details to explain this, Private will then be able to further accuse me of giving out too many identifying details.

I notice this concern for privacy was absent from Private's first post. You would have thought that if that was your primary concern you would have stated that and left it at that. Rather than a very long post on your detailed analysis which was very likely to encourage the thread further.....

OP I think I read your posts correctly first time round.

Private will then be able to further accuse me of giving out too many identifying details. Why are talking about me in the 3rd person? Is it a sort of put down?

I notice this concern for privacy was absent from Private's first post
My post could not breach his privacy OP and did not, obviously.

MN is read by men and women, all over the world. Once online, it is online forever. I think you should rethink whether or not you take it down.

I will leave you to it now and hide the thread. Good luck to you and in relation to all your future relationships.

What a crock.

I really feel for you OP. It might be worth getting some therapy for yourself to unpick why you are drawn to men who need 'rescuing'...I'm exactly the same and I'm currently having therapy to work it out and create more healthy patterns, it's very enlightening!

OP I think I read your posts correctly first time round

I think it is quite clear that you are the only poster on this thread who didn't understand the posts.

My post could not breach his privacy OP and did not, obviously

No, but normally people who are concerned about privacy breaches simply post,' This post is identifying OP - you might want to ask MN to take it down'. And leave it at that. Because they are genuinely concerned about privacy and don't want to encourage the continuation of the thread. They don't repeatedly post long and questioning posts which will result in continuing conversations. Just saying your actions are in contradiction to your alleged ethical concerns here.

Hi OP. I said that I was hiding the thread, but you have directed a post at me, so I'll respond.

In relation to identifying, what I meant was that he might find it re-traumatising and so on that basis delete. In relation to my posts being in conflict with this sentiment, firstly I posted my first long post and then reflected and thought afterwards that I should ask you to take it down hence it being in my second post, and secondly because you were leaving it up someone giving a different point of view as I am doing would help him not make it worse, if he reads it. I would, in his shoes. Though it would be better to take it down. A pp has said that he did a 180 so you can put your needs first, but you could put your needs first and also find out more about trauma and be assertive without doing this.

You are clearly upset and confused about what has happened, and my very best advice, genuinely, is that you need to do some work on boundaries - both yours and your respect and understanding for other people's boundaries. You may see this as patronising, but it isn't - I am far from perfect.

In your first post you said had offered love and support but that it wasn't enough - in fact, judging by your posts I think that when there is something you don't like you become aggressive as you have done here. You might call it feisty and forthright, but others might well feel attacked when you become like this, even if they have not experienced trauma, and walk away. Whereas some people will like you being exactly as you are and give you support.

If you yourself aren't happy with how things are turning out, look inward rather than blaming or slating other people.

Good luck.

User- fantastic posts and all spot on about cPTSD

Private- no, cPTSD is lifelong. There are treatments for PTSD where a person has had only one or two traumatic events. But sufferers of cPTSD have hundreds to thousands of traumatic events so you are wrong, there are no treatments that can cure the flashbacks, nightmares and insomnia.

OP- it’s sad that the relationship ended. I agree something triggered him and he was having a flashback.

plan I have personal experience of the sort of thing described here, and I can tell you for an absolute fact that what you have said isn't correct. How well people recover depends on many different things. It also doesn't say that the man has been diagnosed with ptsd ie a diagnosis of a disorder by a psychiatrist. If someone is suffering from trauma/affects of adverse childhood experiences they should be encouraged to seek help with the belief that they can be helped, rather than made to feel that it is all helpless and something they have to endure. Many, many people I know suffered adverse childhood experiences and have gone on to live happy successful lives with good relationships. There is a lot of help out there now and many therapeutic ways to help people deal with symptoms of trauma. There is a lot of confusion about trauma on this thread, which is another reason why I think it should be taken down.