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Original poster

Fiance drinking

68 replies

Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 21:37

Hi we are getting married in 5 months time. My partner has drank all his life and stopped 5 weeks ago but has started drinking at weekends and doesn't see a problem since it's the weekend. He knows I don't like him drinking as he changes from the best man ever to falling out with me constantly after he drinks...I don't know whether to go ahead with wedding even though i love him to pieces. Will he ever stop to save our relationship

OP posts:
Eesha · 08/02/2020 21:44

Having been with an alcoholic and had kids, I'd postpone the wedding till you are on the same page with this. My ex was similar but actually a functioning alcoholic. Although we have our beautiful children, we split when they were very young and I regret not leaving him before this.

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 21:46

Thank you so much for replying I'm at my wits end with this

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2020 21:49

Do not go ahead with the wedding now, you cannot really go ahead knowing what you know now. You cannot unlearn what you've already seen.

The relationship really is over. This is because his primary relationship is with alcohol and not you. All of his behaviour points to he being an alcoholic and he is not going to stop for you (and infact has not stopped at all; he has merely changed when he is drinking to weekends). Only he can stop drinking, you have and will continue to have no influence whatsoever. He is showing no indication of actually wanting to (alcoholism is really a cruel mistress).

You can only save yourself ultimately and ending the relationship, painful as it will be, will be better now for you than needing to divorce him because of alcoholism several years down the line (and when you are completely spent and or otherwise worn out and down). Do enlist the help of family and friends in cancelling such arrangements.

Are you really confusing love here with codependency?.
You are most likely to be in a codependent relationship with him, read about codependency and alcoholism and see how much of this is reflected in your own behaviours towards him.

BTW did you see heavily drinking parents yourself when you were growing up?.

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 21:50

I asked him to stay with a relative so I have time to think what I want and he said if he goes there's no turning back

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pointythings · 08/02/2020 21:50

He won't stop unless he wants to stop. Alcohol causes him to change his behaviour in a way that concerns you - that's a red flag right there. He only lasted 5 weeks without booze before deciding that drinking at weekends was OK - that's another red flag.

As the widow of an alcoholic my advice would be to at the very least postpone the wedding, and tell him honestly why. Then you'll know who he really is.

thethoughtfox · 08/02/2020 21:51

No. He will not. Don't saddle your future self - and any children - with a life of arguments, worry and insecurity.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2020 21:51

He will continue to have you at your wits end if you remain with him too.
Its over really because his primary relationship is with drink and not you. His thoughts likely centre around where the next drink is going to come from.

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. Al-anon would be a good source of support for you here too as they are helpful to people affected by another person's drinking.

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 21:52

Hi thank you, yes I did and have always been wary of people who drink

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 08/02/2020 21:54

It’s not about drinking. It’s about how it changes his behaviour and how it affects his relationship. He is a problem drinker but wants to carry on drinking.
You can’t stop him. He won’t stop drinking for you. Don’t marry him. It won’t get better. Sad

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 21:55

He says I'm being stupid and that he works all week and needs to relax etc

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2020 21:56

Thought that you grew up seeing such. So many people who embark on relationships with people who turn out to be alcoholics have seen such behaviours themselves in childhood. Sometimes they have been conditioned to otherwise try and rescue and or save the alcoholic.

This man drinks and he has a long standing drink problem. You otherwise minimise such red flags at your emotional peril. Your relationship with him is over in any case.

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 21:58

I think you are all saying what I know already but won't admit it to myself, I have a local al anon group and his friend told me to go chat with them . It's just the fear of making that first step for help

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2020 21:58

Those are all words that a person with a long standing drink problem would utter. Ignore that at your emotional peril.

If you marry him you will end up in the divorce courts because of his ongoing alcoholism. Do not put yourself through that, you've been given warnings re him and his relationship with alcohol now.

Wolfiefan · 08/02/2020 21:58

Of course he does. And getting shit faced and being argumentative is the only way of relaxing? Really don’t marry him. He is a problem drinker who’s making you out to be the problem. Run. Before you subject kids to this.

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2020 21:59

The hills are that way >>>>>

You would be CRAZY to marry him

HollowTalk · 08/02/2020 22:00

He knows I don't like him drinking as he changes from the best man ever to falling out with me constantly after he drinks

I would end it, tbh. I wouldn't spend years arguing about it. I wouldn't marry someone with a drink problem. I'd set myself free.

HalfBiscuit · 08/02/2020 22:00

How often does he drink and how much?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2020 22:01

Please admit it to yourself; denial does you no favours. Its not your fault your fiancé is someone with an alcohol problem. His own friend has told you as much too and has advised you to talk with Al-anon. You will meet ordinary people from all walks of life there. Please take heed of what his friend is telling you.

Taking the first step is often the most difficult one to do but once you have done that, it will get easier.

HollowTalk · 08/02/2020 22:01

That doesn't really matter, @HalfBiscuit. It's the impact it has on her when he does drink.

Wolfiefan · 08/02/2020 22:01

It doesn’t matter how many units he drinks. Ot how often.
If he drinks and then is horrid and argumentative to the person he’s about to marry? Then he has a problem.
He needs to stop. But won’t.
So you need to get away.

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 22:02

Bottle of wine and mostly about 5 beers which he says is ok!

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Wolfiefan · 08/02/2020 22:10

Of course he does. Never mind him. What do you think?
My view?
That’s a massive binge and the fact he thinks it’s ok only shows how much he is used to drinking.

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 22:13

Once he finishes all drink he buys he gets argumentative then goes to bed and the next day it's made out to be my fault and that I'm over reacting...

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AnotherEmma · 08/02/2020 22:14

Sounds like great husband and father material

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 22:16

I know in my heart you are all right and I will go to a meeting to speak to people this week and tell him tomorrow that I've had enough and he has to move out even though I'm heartbroken

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